Does my lifelong friend secretly want me?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by valleybutch, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. valleybutch

    valleybutch New Member

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    I am 48 years old and lost my wife of 19 years two years ago. My best friend since high school retired from 25 years in the military several years ago. She lives 5 hours away from me. We keep in touch regularly through phone calls and emails and I try to visit at least a couple of times a year. I have a standing invitation to her family's Thanksgiving and Christmas get togethers, where I am treated like one of the family(and this was always the case until I got "married") My friend has not had but one marginally successful long term relationship, but she keeps trying. However....she started asking me to move up to the town where she lives only a few months after my wife passed. I thought at the time that she was just worried about me, considering my state of mind at the time, and wanted me closer so she could keep an eye on me. I am doing pretty well now, but she keeps asking. Most recently two days ago. Now I should point out here that she also told me about a brand new (less than two months) woman she is dating and that "she had found the woman she is going to marry." Now, why would she need me up there when she already has plenty of friends and the woman of her dreams up there? I can't help but feel she is trying to put pressure on me. Because...I was in love with her years ago before I met my wife. A little over a year ago, I admitted this in a drunken e-mail to her and wished she could feel the same way. She told me (nicely) that she had never felt that way about me. I took it well and left it at that. I should also add that we came pretty close to having sex when I was 20 and I stopped right in the middle of things because I found she was on her period and I was a virgin and didn't know what to do with that situation. Pretty much shoots down the "I have never thought about you like that" argument, huh? And she was pretty mad, afterward, but refused to discuss it on the grounds that our friendship would be over. I have a very good straight woman friend whose take on it is that by moving up there and letting go of the house my wife and I shared, I would symbolically be letting go of my late wife and coming to my friend. I just wish I could think of any other reason why she wants me closer to her. I would feel like a fool if I really did move and she had other motives and/or reasons for wanting me there. Love, now that is a pretty good reason and I would be a very lucky woman for the second time in my life if she does love me. But friendship is not a good enough reason to uproot my life here. Well, ladies, any and all input is appreciated!
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would only move to a place that I like living in and there is work for me there. I would only want to contemplate a relationship with someone who openly wants me.
     
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  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Moving to another city and leaving your life behind is a big deal. Doing it without know what to expect doesn't seem like a good option.

    She is your friend and you know each other for a long time. I think asking her directly why she wants you there and what it would mean to you is a valid question. Furthermore, telling her a powerful reason why you would do it is also valid. Is she currently insisting on you moving up there? Have you talked about it?

    Good luck.
     
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  4. valleybutch

    valleybutch New Member

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    Thanks, ladies. Greylin, I am with you. I just can't see moving up there on "hunches and vapours". I know in my heart she thinks about me as more than a friend or even part of her family. But she obviously has concerns or fears that are holding her back. What I really think is that she wants me closer to her so we can come together naturally as a couple instead of declarations being made. Why she can't just admit it, I do not know. And Coffee Addict, I did ask her and she said because I am her oldest friend, we've known each other since we were kids, I know her better than anybody and she just would like to have me living closer. Is that a good enough reason to you? I think it is sort of lame.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Moving closer to friends and family is always nice, especially when you don't have anyone in your town you would rather spend time with. But you have to like that town you are moving to and you have to like the homes there, the jobs there. Otherwise you will find your downtime with your friend filled with resentment. Why not just spend a vacation there with her or just some weekends and get a sense of the landscape and emoscape? Like CoffeeAddict said, pulling up stakes is a big deal.
     
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  6. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    Is she still seeing the said "woman of her dreams"? If not, maybe you could ask her out? You could try to go visit regularly on weekend and see dating goes before making big decisions about moving...

    If she is still with the other woman, then I would just decline her offer and move on... she will always be your friend, but you need to be emotionally available for other possible dates...
     
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  7. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    As a motivation for you to move out there is as strong as a motivation for her to move where you are. Personally, I would move across the country out of love ... heck! across the globe if necessary! However, she is not admitting to love (at least the romantic kind) that would be waiting for you there.

    I am not sure if you would get a straight answer from her by email/phone. I think I would need to see the person face to face. Here is a crazy idea, what if you do a trial ... like a "30-day money back guaranteed". Let's say you plan to stay for as long as you can, e.g., two weeks, as if you were living there. That might give you a chance to know what can you expect and how things may work, and also gives you a chance to figure out what are her real motives. Like I said, it is a crazy idea, and you may have done this before.

    Good luck.
     
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  8. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I kinda think she was clear enough with why she wanted you there. They may not be reasons enough for you to go, but from her perspective, they probably are reason enough for her to ask you to move. Granted, she is underestimating the ties you have to your current location and maybe she thinks moving isn't that big a deal or would be good for you etc. Maybe she is concerned that you are lonely, or maybe she misses you and wishes you were around. I understand you wondering if it means something more, but by no means would I assume the request to move was good evidence that it does.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't think it actually matters. If she can't have a proper conversation with you "I want you to move because I am secretly in love with you," then she isn't worth moving for. And likewise, if you can't have the "do you want me to move because you have any romantic feelings for me," then you aren't up for moving for her. Even if she / you did say that, it would be a date and then see about moving in the future.

    And if she is just a friend - well, not moving for that either.

    Honestly, I'm kind of missing the point here? I don't think that she wants you. And I don't think that you guys communicate well enough with each other to entertain a serious relationship commitment. I mean, step one is being able to open yourself up to the other person and you gals don't seem there right now.

    I don't mean to sound harsh, but given the stakes here - moving, a long time friend, etc... I think it is best if I am just very honest about how I see the situation.
     
    #9
    invincible likes this.

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