Does love really conquer all?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Stccy, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. Stccy

    Stccy Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    6
    Hi,
    I've been together with my fiancé for three years now. It was hard in the beginning of the relationship because I wasn't ready to let her in, I really had a bad trust issue. But now everything is fine, it's not perfect because nothing is perfect. We love each other, she always brings out the best of me and now we want to buy a house. The thing is she doesn't have a stable income, I do. Here you have to pay 20 percent down payment, which I have. But the problem is, we can only afford to buy a house that takes 1 h and 40 min to my work total of 3 h and 20 min commuting and really far from my parents house. So the question is, does love really conquer all and should we buy the house just to make her feel happy?
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Take love out of it. Only buy something if it makes financial AND lifestyle sense. Or you will just be living for the house and it will end up owning you.
     
    #2
    Gentry likes this.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    Absolutely NOT. Love doesn't justify making stupid decisions. Love should be reciprocated....if the love is there, she'd NEVER ask you to make such a commitment if you're at all unsure of the purchase. Also...I have a 45 minute commute to work -- and while it's relatively traffic free -- it takes a toll. Most of the time I enjoy getting to decompress in the time between the office and the house..but sometimes, it's just a pain. An hour and 40 minute commute -- you're going to spend the majority of your life AT work or commuting to and from work -- which means, your relationship will suffer if she likes attention from you.

    Secondly, you should never do something for the sole purpose of making someone else happy. The decision has to be the right one for both of you. If you do this, chances are that you'll ultimately start to resent her for making what could be a bad decision. What's the hurry? Why not save money and let her rebuild her financial situation so that the both of you can buy a house TOGETHER in an area that works for both of you? Set a goal and work together to achieve it.

    She should be happy with you -- and everything about you. Not just because you can buy her a house.
     
    #3
    Gentry, Toni and greylin like this.
  4. Toni

    Toni Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,558
    Likes Received:
    14
    What would you answer a friend in a similar situation?
    Would you seriously say yes? Like Greylin say: Take love out of it.

    Please don't buy a house just because you feel guilty.
    It is a big decision, not something I would jump into without thinking things through.
     
    #4
    greylin and Spygirl like this.
  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2014
    Messages:
    301
    Likes Received:
    257
    I agree with all of the above advice. Just wait a bit. Wait until she gets a more stable financial position to find somewhere closer. You lmay end up resenting her for the long commute and that could cause big relationship issues.

    Aside from that, this is a house for the both of you. You both need to be happy with it.

    Just wait a while. To make someone commute that long just because she has a dream of being a home owner is unfair.

    Have you told her your feelings on this? How you think commuting would be too far?
     
    #5
    greylin and Bluenote like this.
  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    No, love does not conquer all.

    It conquers a lot. It smooths a lot. It gives us the will to conquer some other stuff. But at the end of the day, there are situations and decisions that are bad ones, and wanting to make someone happy is not a good reason to walk willingly into something difficult and taxing. Three+ hours of commuting to a home in a place you feel isolated sounds like a pretty negative situation to me.

    Think about what that commute is going to do to your well-being, to your stress levels, to your income (gas is not free!), to your time together as partners. And then figure out a reasonable goal that makes you both happy, and work with her to take steps to get there. Example: you work towards being able to get a job in a place you can afford, or can telecommute; she works to make her income more stable; you start saving (together!) for a down payment somewhere more reasonable.

    (My wife and I super want to stop renting, but we live in what is no joke the most bananas market in the country. So we've planned to relocate, and the 2-year plan includes grad school for me to advance my career and help me get a job outside of expensive large cities, because the work I do right now is SO specialized, and we've taken into account where we can afford to live closer to our families in the process. It's not easy to wait, but we're going to be okay and supported... and that's better than buying the terrible places we can afford here.)
     
    #6
    greylin likes this.
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Just FYI, I know this person who was looking for something in a challenging area and she signed up on several websites to get notices of new houses going on the market. She also went with a well connected agent who would go on carravans with other agents to learn about prelistings. Some houses go before they are even listed. There are also seasonalities in some markets where the prices maybe more negotiable but the stock would be low, or there maybe a hot season for sellers but then you have more to choose from. If this is in the US, websites such as trulia and zillow (most people know about these sites but they really do help) are the ones I am thinking. Also Homepath.com is a government program I think to help clear distressed properties. Usually I don't see anything in hot markets but sometimes I get surprised by a notification here and there. Like all the above people are saying, plan, wait, save money and I submit research more on this. The research can also give you a better sense of the neighborhoods you are looking at, and sometimes one street vs another can make a big difference in the same neigborhood. I would also call the police department once you have found an address to see if any crime or disturbances had happened in the vicinity of that address. It may tell you a few things about the crime level on that street, the owners you maybe dealing with and any problem neigbors. Good luck. :)
     
    #7
    Gentry likes this.
  8. Stccy

    Stccy Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2015
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thank you guys for all of your advice! I find it comforting that I could write here and get some advice and answers from people that have other and different perspectives than I have. Sometimes it feels easier to ask some strangers about an issue than asking my best friend or my family. You know what I mean?

    Anyway.We talked about it today and it went well. She understood that it's not the right time to buy a house and she was willing to wait a couple more years to buy our dream house. We didn't realize that the whole buy a house situation is causing us a lot of stress and insecurities. It felt good that we lay all our cards on the table and took it from there

    Thanks!!!
     
    #8
    Gentry, greylin, aussie_gabby and 3 others like this.
  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I agree with what everyone else said. If you are feeling pressured to buy a house just because she wants it, that is not good. With a long commute and being so far away, you would find yourself tired and stressed, with little time for yourself or the relationship. This would lead you to being resentful and maybe even having stress illnesses (headaches, stomach problems, etc...)

    I am glad that your talk with her went well. Relationships are give and take, but buying a house right now would have been too much "give" on your part.
     
    #9
    Stccy and greylin like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice