Does it get better? Im feeling blue....

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by driverdown, Apr 24, 2016.

  1. driverdown

    driverdown New Member

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    Let me start this off by saying, I've been super sad lately. I have been out for about a year now and although I have my friends and my sisters I don't feel they can offer me advice on the troubles that are.....dating women. This is going to be a rather longer thread but ANY advice would help....

    My biggest problem is, I do not know how to pick up girls, pick up on flirting. etc...just be able to flirt back without sounding like an idiot or looking like a bitch. I say that because most girls I meet tell me, oh you looked like a bitch at first haha.

    Quick story that lead to this brief period of the blues...So at my work this really cute girl kept coming in. I work at a local cafe that is super hip and stuff so some interesting characters walk in there, but she was very calm and collect. After a couple times of coming in I finally got to talk to her. We talked about coffee (I'm a huge coffee drinker) and we talked forever. Then, the conversation just took turns. Like, I couldn't...shut up. So she came in the next day and again. Now she does seem kind of awkward. Like, almost like she's awkwardly flirting which is cute really but this is where my lack of experience was kicking me in the head. So last week she walked over to order some stuff and she was like hey! this is the 3rd time I get in line and we finally get to talk. This got me all mushy and gaga. Now where it started getting weird was of course she told me her name and said maybe we'd hang out sometime. Turns out she knows a couple of my friends cause of college, and one of my friends that recognized her was like dude, she's in a relationship on FB. Which, Im not on social media so I couldn't see much but I was bummed. I didn't understand what I had misinterpreted? or what? Im pretty sure she's gay but she's
    1. In a relationship IDK if with a guy or girl (my gaydar was going off big time but I rarely trust it)
    2. It ends here. :(

    I went out that evening with some friends and we discussed it. I was bummed. She's cute but taken and its just me again. I started letting negative thinking get the best of me and I feel like a failure at being a gay girl. I realize that one of the bigger problems is while everyone else was supportive and dealt with me coming out, I don't think I've fully accepted it and I think its partly because I feel I'll never find true happiness. Almost like I hate myself for being gay and being in this position or never ending lonely loop. Now, Im hoping to start grad school next year and honestly am a busy gal so convincing myself Im doing fine alone has been the padding I wear but after cases like these, I let my guard down and Im left with my little heart beating out of my chest. School will keep me busy but i guess i'd be nice to have someone there. It seems as though ever since I came out, I doubt myself every step of the way and then I see these couples that are so happy and I can't stop myself from hating them and myself. I often want to hit on a girl I get a vibe from but fear flirting is going to freak them out, like wtf...Im not gay, or I just simply don't like you. And I mean I think Im pretty good looking. I do agree I look like a bitch. I suffer from RBF big time....Idk if this is repelling women away or if I literally have "baby lesbo" printed across my face. I have one super butch friend thats always like dude just hit on them. I do. Women like confidence, and I know they do. But I've seen her "game" blow up in her face before and I don't ever want to creep a girl out like that....Shes kind of a creep haha.....

    Ive been in small brief relationships but nothing that has taken off. Ive had ONE serious relationship with a girl that still stings anytime I think about her. 4 years and she moved on. Like I said, I am pretty busy so honestly the idea of a relationship seems like a superficial thing right now, which isn't good. But then I think and Im leaving all this hope in my future to find a girl I can love and will love me back once I graduate and grow up. (I'm 24)...what if I graduate, sacrifice years and tears only to still be just as alone at the end of the race? I am reaching an age where I don't care about the party or the life. I just want a calm night and a girl who will do the same. My friends love to party...I used to and I feel like their life is going on and mine is passing me by. Im stuck and feel blue. Im not sure what to do to get out of this funk because stuffing it under a rug for later will come back. Sometimes I think maybe it is me? Maybe Im ugly? Maybe its my hair? The way I dress? My tattoos? I mean it all comes down on me at once.......I flirt the fine line of femme tomboy. But i'd like to think I make it obvious Im gay......? whats going on here? I realize I can't live in a world where Im always afraid to take the first step but I have no idea what Im doing here.....
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Oh the angst of dating, how to flirt, does she like me woes that we ALL get at some point. That second guessing ourselves, over-analyzing and over-thinking that we just forget to "be" in the moment. Trust me, there have been times where I wanted to kick myself or give myself a big ol' face palm because I was dense, didn't pick up on cues, didn't react to obvious flirting, or couldn't even bring myself to have a coherent conversation with someone I liked.... and here you've gone from a promising situation to feeling like you'll never find happiness because of an encounter that, from what I can tell, you've played the right way.

    This situation is not about anything you did or didn't do...so why are you getting yourself down over something over which you have absolutely no control? The girl keeps coming into your cafe...she says "maybe we can hang out sometime," and you're ready to chuck it all over an unverified conclusion that her FB status says she's in a relationship. She's taken the initiative here to talk to you, to suggest hanging out, to giving you her name and she seems equally awkward with the flirting...seems to me that you're doing something right if she's making these kinds of efforts. You're at least portraying yourself in a way where she might be picking up on the fact that you're intrigued by her...and giving off just enough of the right signs to talk and get to know one another. The other thing -- FB doesn't always equate to real life...she could have "in a relationship" on her profile because maybe she doesn't want to advertise she's single...or maybe she's not single and her relationship is ending...or maybe she is in a relationship and still just wants to be friends with you. The point is, you've flipped and made up your mind on this girl entirely on hearsay, which may or may not be true at all. While I'm not a fan of people dating other people if they're in a committed relationship, you haven't given yourself a chance to find out what's really going on with her. I don't see that you've misinterpreted anything here. And hey, if she is in a relationship -- then why are you beating yourself up about the situation when she's been the one to take the initiative to talk to you? The only way to find out for sure is to talk to her...and even then, instead of going all into "I'll never find happiness because of this one girl" doom and gloom...maybe you should change your perspective and think about the fact that she showed interest in you....

    The point is...we've all been there...liked girls who don't like us back...or found ourselves in impossible situations to where the cards don't allow us to have that relationship we want with someone. But you're young, girls are making efforts with you, and you're worried about ending up alone some day.....all this precipitated by a situation where you did nothing wrong.

    Now: Stop. Relax. Breathe. Enjoy being you and learn to love yourself rather than critique what you aren't....when you're happy with who you are and where you're going, that confidence will resonate and become attractive to others. When you're confident in who you are, taking risks in flirting or talking to people seems less scary, too. Live in the here and now rather than worrying about a perceived lonely future that may never materialize.

    Lastly, if this girl doesn't work out or if she's in a relationship, then you can't allow yourself to jump to the conclusion that you'll end up alone some day. Talk to her and find out what her deal is -- and if she is in a relationship, then be flattered she took the time to notice you and end it there. Seriously, you're getting yourself upset about a situation that no matter what you did -- even if you were perfect -- might have the same outcome. Change your perspective and focus on things you can control and stop getting yourself down about those things you can't. And, take a positive lesson from this no matter what happens -- she kept coming back to talk to you.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 26, 2016
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  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    @Spygirl has given you good advice. I will just give you a brief opinion.

    Go out with the girl, get to know her (the real person, not the Facebook profile). Make connections. I am not saying she is the one but she might lead you to your princess charming.

    A good way to stop thinking about blue things is to do things for others. For example, you can do some volunteer work, tutoring, participating in a community event. It will help you get your mind off negative things, plus it will make you feel better about doing something meaningful. You can also meet new people and get some perspective.

    Don't worry, it does get better. I wish you the best.
     
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  4. driverdown

    driverdown New Member

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    @Spygirl and @Coffee Addict thanks for the replies! As for the negative thinking, I know it isn't healthy to think like this but like i said, I often find myself being upset by things I have no control over. I know its about as useful as beating a dead horse.........nothing to gain from it. But, I don't know how to approach this girl. Which ironically we've been super awkward at work haha! Definitely not where I wanted it to go but I feel like she gets nervous talking to me too.....we'll see. Like now, unless I start the conversation with her she's kinda shy. Sometimes if I look at her she looks away....women are hard to decipher!!!!!! Anyways, School definitely keeps me busy and I do end up doing volunteering work often and that definitely always helps! I know I have to take risks when it comes to meeting women, and I know that rejection is part of the game but Im sure she's out there for me.... I am hopeful on most days. Occasionally black clouds hang around....but again thank you to both of you! so much!
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes it does get better.

    It gets lots, lots better.

    Really. Just hang in there.

    What you are experiencing is very normal. Basically, you are having kind of "growing pains." And yeah, if someone had said that to 24 year old me, I would have wanted to punch them in the face. But let me explain.

    Let's say you have a 6 year old boy, who really wants to grow up and be a man. Very reasonable wish. But when this little guy hits age 10, he is really frustrated that he hasn't started shaving yet and isn't 6 foot tall. Well, that is not reasonable. Some things about growing up just take time. Of course it is frustrating, very, very frustrating that they don't happen faster. But there isn't anything "wrong" with the 10 year old boy who is still - well, just 10 and not yet a man.

    At 24, you are still growing as a person. You are developing relationship skills, working on your career, learning to be more and more independent from family, learning possibilities and working towards your dreams. It would be awesome if it could all happen at once. If we could say 'hey, by 25 I want to have my career, my personal life, my finances, my life goals all figured out.'

    But it just doesn't happen that way. It is normal for someone to be on a good career track, but have the relationship lag. Or to be in a good relationship, but to still be working on getting independent and working towards their dreams. So you are very normal for 24. And yes, you will get stuff figured out and it will get better.

    And yes, you can be gay and find happiness. I am married (legally married, recognized by the whole USA, thank you very much) to a wonderful and hilariously funny lady, whom I love so dearly. @Spygirl is married to and awesome gal. @rainydaze beat us all by doing marriage and kids. I am sure that there are lots of other ladies on here who are either married or happily partnered. Being gay does not mean that you are destined for a life of loneliness, bad hair, flannel* and Melissa Etheridge concerts.

    This girl is not the only girl in the universe. If things work with her, that is cool. If they don't - there are other girls. And there are other places to meet girls - meet up groups, pink cupid, ok cupid, local lgbt groups and through friends or activities (hello women's soccer).

    Don't think of it like 'wow, I am so awkward, I finally got to talk to a cute girl and I can't blow this.' think of it like 'there are lots of girls in the world and I am going to take my time to find the right one.'

    My wife can be shy and is not at all a 'player,' or 'smooth.' She thought she would never find 'the one,' because she wasn't into bars, didn't know how to flirt or put the moves on a girl. She and I met through friends and had a good connection from the first time we talked. I never needed her to be 'smooth' or 'know how to flirt.' I just needed her to be her. On our first real date, I got there first and ordered a drink. When my (now) wife showed up, she was so nervous that I offered her my drink. It kinda took the attention off of her and gave her something else to focus on.

    You seem like a thoughtful, honest and hard working person. You sound like you have your life and yourself more together than you give yourself credit for. (Plenty of people don't have a clue about grad school, putting in work towards a career at 24). I get that you feel discouraged, but you are doing all the right things. You just need some time to get everything sorted.

    Talk to this girl if you want. Just talk - just be you. Not pick up lines, not trying to be a femme fatal or stud - just be you. Maybe she is just looking to be friends. Maybe her fb just says in a relationship to ward of creepers. Maybe she has an open thing. You will never know until you get to know her and ask her. Yes, if she wants someone who is smooth and has tons of lines, then you are probably not right for her. But if she wants someone who is honest and thoughtful - she would be lucky to have you.

    So hang in there. It does get better.

    (* no flannels were harmed in the making of this post).
     
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  6. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Okay, so you're basically feeling like "the only gay in the village". I do know what you mean, just like everyone on this website.

    *she's taken-it sucks that she's taken but this can happen to anyone, even straight people get into such situtions. However, that doesn't mean that you'll end up alone-yes, you're single, yes you've been lonely for quite a while now but you will eventually be happy. It'd sound more convinient if I could tell you : "On 3rd May you will find your true love and you'll live happily ever after". You will find someone-just be patient-you're 24 years oldand it's never too late for love.
    *flirting-I suck at flirting big time. Been told I'm a big flirt when 'm not trying-maybe that's it. Once you stop trying to flirt, you will actually start flirting.
    *gaydar-mine usually works for spotting out gay & bi men so it's not that useful for me. However, you just end up meeting someone and it just goes from there. The more you pressure it, the less likely it is to come true.

    My piece of advice here would be not to make yourself feel bad. Focus on your work,. studies & friends-your girl will come along eventually. In the meantime, some random crushes & hook ups are a plus, if you ask me :)
     
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  7. driverdown

    driverdown New Member

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    @Bluenote I absolutely loved your response....not that I didn't enjoy anyone elses but one of my biggest problems is I've never been one to give myself much credit. 4 years ago I was a drunk hot mess blacking out and waking up not knowing where I was....and 4 years later here I am. (I think my drunk fits had a lot to do with me not coming out and feeling sexually trapped) BUT now I am Finishing my undergrad and prepping for grad school. And while these are the great things I should give myself credit for it depends on if I look at the coffee cup half full or empty. For one, yes things have turned around. I have a bright future ahead of me and I can feel myself growing as a person. I truly look forward to my future, but then I think this all turned around for me.(YAY!) where the hell is she!? It's like....the cherry on top is missing. I hope one day to be where you and the rest of the members that you listed are. Happy. With a girl. So again, thank you very much!

    And @TheScandinavian , thank you to you too. While I have been able to use my "I'm terrible at flirting" to my advantage once to get a number and a kiss.....it hasn't worked again. It went something along the lines of......"hey, Im drunk and very bad at this being gay thing. So, Ill just say I can't stop staring at your lips." And boom! While that was fun, it's never been my style.....but who knows. While I am good at making this particular girl laugh I'm still very hesitant about making any type of move on her because I don't know if she's taken. Open relationships....again not my style. Believe me, I didn't spend 24 years banging on a closet door to be let out and find out I have to share my girl! ...but Maybe someday I'll get really good at little hook-ups.... (doubtful)

    Again, thank you to every single one of you. When I first posted this I was sad, nervous about finals, and lonely.
     
    #7
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