Do long distance relationships ever work out?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by okaythen, Jan 26, 2015.

  1. okaythen

    okaythen New Member

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    Hey everyone. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now and we live an ocean apart (literally...the Atlantic ocean). I've never been happier! Despite the fact that we can't be together right now (and have never physically met) do to school/college we're always planning our future together and remain hopeful. We send each other things and write for each other, guys. She's gonna come visit next June. We're both still young but I feel like this is it. What I'm feeling is unlike anything before, and it's usually hard for me to find people I can open up to and remain interested in, I've never been so interested. It's so genuine its surreal.
    Anyway, the thought of it not working out due to the distance is hard to bear. Also the fact that we're each others first girlfriend. The cards seem to be against us but it doesn't have to end like that, right?
    I can't imagine this ending. I'm so in love! It's terrifying to think about tbh and I know it would devestate both of us. So I was wondering if any of y'all have any success stories (or home truths) for me? Encouragement even? I don't frequent this site often but I thought I'd give this a try!
     
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  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    Here's your encouragement, and your truth:

    Long distance can work. It is hard. It is work. It is emotionally exhausting and draining, and can cover up some bad relationship behavior which can later lead to real problems. Long distance sends you into a pattern of binge and purge - so so good together, so so hard to be apart - and that wears on you over time (some studies have compared the brains of those in LDRs to manic depression, and it's no joke). The drain and distance motivates you to make grand declarations and decisions ("she's the one," "you're my forever," etc), because that's how you establish emotional intimacy when your words are the only things in your control. These grand declarations are sometimes cover for problems, sometimes bandaids for disfunction; sometimes they are true.

    My best advice is that you are thoughtful about the habits that you establish now, while you're still buzzing with honeymoon hormones. How will you communicate? How will you establish boundaries? How will you deal when someone needs more care, and someone needs more space? How will you deal with the lack of physical contact? With the loneliness? How will you fight (because you will fight)?

    If it becomes too hard, more work than support, be open to its end. I know that new love feels really good, and young love feels really good, but know that you have an exit, and that the intensity of your relationship does not need to become a trap. And know that sometimes, no matter how much you want to be physically compatible with someone you are intellectually compatible with, you might not be, and that your history and wanting does not need to trap you into something that feels wrong, either.

    My wife and I were semi-long-distance for the first 10 months of our relationship, and we had a lot of relearning and undoing of long distance habits to do in the next year (or more!) that we were together. I would not trade her for anything, but it was very hard, and the hurt of separation did not go away when the distance closed. And I have many friends who did not make the transition from distance to proximity well or healthily, or who did not know how to care for each other while they were apart, and their relationships did not last (no matter how much they wanted them to).

    It can work. It is hard, and it takes more work than some people want to put into their relationships, and you wanting it to work might not be enough - but it can.
     
    #2
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  3. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    Hey,

    In my opinion, I would definitely agree with what lorienczhiu said about your situation: 'Long distance can work. It is hard. It is work. It is emotionally exhausting and draining, and can cover up some bad relationship behavior which can later lead to real problems. Long distance sends you into a pattern of binge and purge - so so good together, so so hard to be apart - and that wears on you over time (some studies have compared the brains of those in LDRs to manic depression, and it's no joke). The drain and distance motivates you to make grand declarations and decisions ("she's the one," "you're my forever," etc), because that's how you establish emotional intimacy when your words are the only things in your control. These grand declarations are sometimes cover for problems, sometimes bandaids for disfunction; sometimes they are true.'

    As far as LDRs are concerned, it first starts with you asking the question: 'Are you ready to sacrifice the time, effort, and intellectual energy to make it work? Because if you're not investing the right time, with just the ideal amount of effort to balance it out - the rest won't matter. #BeenThere #DoneThat I've had experiences as such where, I've had a lot of one thing and too less of the other, that it either didn't make sense or just didn't add up. So for me it was, either it didn't work, it fell too short, or it just didn't last. You also have to know what has you attracted to that person - their sense of humor, their lifestyle habits, the communication differences (language barriers, ideologies, etc.), etc. - and how you're coping up with the pressure it demands to keep it all together. On one hand, you have your feelings attached to them to an extent where it's normal and acceptable; but at the same time, on the other hand, you have to know how to keep them in control to not have them fluctuate your current situation (no matter what happened, is happening or will ever have a chance to happen).

    So keep hoping, keep loving, and definitely it'll keep going. Good Luck. #Cheers
     
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    Last edited: Feb 10, 2015
  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I think the other two answers hit the nail on the head, so I'll just add this (and I've had several long distance relationships...some have worked, others no...and my last one of course worked amazingly):

    For a long distance relationship to work, there needs to be a proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." Meaning, there ultimately needs to be a resolution to the distance part. Because, let's face it, relationships are also very physical. And no I'm not just talking about sex. You need to have that physical bond...a hug at the end of a stressful day; just being around each other through the mundane day-in-day-out types of things that you typically don't get to see in long distance relationships. Once you get together -- there's a whole new process and growing pains of getting to know someone who's actually present. My relationship was long distance for the first 6 or 7 months...but we went into it knowing there could be a way around not always being a thousand miles away.

    If, however, you intend to remain long distance -- then all of your needs are likely not being met -- and time will wear on you. You will likely face a point of -- where do we go from here? Because you certainly don't want to continue long distance for an indefinite period.
     
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  5. waleed121

    waleed121 New Member

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    My best advice is that you are thoughtful about the habits that you establish now, while you're still buzzing with honeymoon hormones. How will you communicate? How will you establish boundaries? How will you deal when someone needs more care, and someone needs more space? How will you deal with the lack of physical contact? With the loneliness? How will you fight (because you will fight)?
     
    #5
  6. larinni

    larinni New Member

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    I am on a distance relationship for one year and a half. We leave 600 miles away and we see each other twice a year. Its totally perfect when we are together
     
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  7. Salmon Fish

    Salmon Fish New Member

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    Depending on Individuals, some could deal with LDR, others might not. This year is my fifth year with my partner and we are separated by an ocean. Though we face challenges and at times, they weren't pleasant but it still could work out. We meet up once every two months or three. Eventually, at the end of the day, when you are certain that person is the one, vice versa, you will find ways and means to live a life with her.
     
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  8. ladydesiree7

    ladydesiree7 New Member

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  9. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    well, I almost married my ex-fiacee and our relationship was a long distance relationship.. we didn't end up marrying each other because "some other stuff" but not because the long distance problem it self.

    Don't forget to put some thought into it. long distance is a very hard relationship to managed because at times, it based on words that you said. there's no touch, no eye contact, no smell nothing beside voice and words. when you guys meet each other, you will notice every little thing about her that is not displayed during those night skype call, but on the other hand when you guys do meet each other it will be one of the greatest thing that you will ever experience.

    sometimes with long distance, especially ocean apart does bring a lot more problem (that can be talk out, calmly ofcourse) for example whose goin to move where, Atlantic apart means you guys have different nationality which bring into the problem of visas that might be problem, and the biggest problem might Timezone. I noticed you mention that you're very young, yes? and your partner is very young, yes? during these time both of you still have a lot of time to talk to each other. What will happen when one of you work and you cnt text each other all the time? what will you do when she's sick and you cnt be there?

    But like every other couple long distance or not, you guys should also think about the future too. Sometimes with long distance relationship you guys only talk about all the sweet things, getting to know each other and stuff. there is a big different between painting a canvas with a scenery with only big lines and big picture and paint scenery with details. do you get it?

    but despite all of that, I do still think that long distance can work!!. its goin to be a lot of work but yeah it is possible.

    Tan
    xx
     
    #9
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