Do I Forgive Her?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by WhatNow?, Nov 5, 2013.

  1. WhatNow?

    WhatNow? Member

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    My girlfriend of 4 years started a new job and met someone that she seemed to like a lot. I was a tad bit jealous because of how often she talked about her/texted her and she told me that I had nothing to worry about because they were just friends even though she admitted that the girl was her type. I believed it and just tried to brush it off as me being stupidly jealous for nothing until I saw a heartbreaking message she sent to a friend detailing her feelings about this girl; she said that she loves me but I'm not as easy to talk to as this other girl and that she wants her. She also said that she wishes she was single because she shouldn't be in a serious relationship if she's having these feelings and that this other girl is so amazing and so easy to talk to that they could be open with each other after only a few days of talking.

    I was pretty destroyed after reading it; I confronted her about it and broke up with her but she said that she drunkenly wrote that message and that it didn't reflect how she feels at all and that she was mad at me at the time. I took her back after a while but asked her to stop talking to the other girl and she said she would. Things weren't going great because I didn't trust her and then we had an argument and I found out that she messaged her on facebook about me and it made more mad than ever and once again, she begged for me not to leave and said that she just fucked up and will do anything to show me that she actually does love me. I don't know what to think at this point, do I forgive her and try to trust her again or just end it for good?
     
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  2. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    Feelings and thoughts are 2 different things.

    Not all thoughts are real but feelings and emotions are!

    ur situation sounds somewhat typical and i am not saying that in a condescending way. the part where 2 people break up and come back together but one is being told to cut off all communications with the person that ur gf is so attracted to. it usually never works. why? because feelings don't go away on their own, there are unresolved things here, in between a rock and a hard place kinda deal.

    ive said this before in my other posts that using alcohol as an excuse is the saddest thing in the world. in fact being drunk makes u say exactly how u feel and do what u want to do but normally wouldn't for whatever reason. using alcohol for cover up indicates fear.

    sounds like u guys have communication problems within ur relationship. ur gf clearly has issues expressing herself to u in the past and now. do u tend to be passive/ aggressive? do u know why she doesn't feel like she can talk to u easily.

    i think she's scared and doesn't know what to do. she has a history with u and cares for u but also she is very much attracted to this co worker and it excited her and scares her and so much more.

    I can understand how devastating this must be for u , 4 years is a long time. If something similar to this has never happened to either of u, just imagine how it must make her feel. just waking up in the morning and having all these feelings and emotions that u don't know how to control.

    ur trust issues are understandable, so are feelings of betrayal etc but asking someone to cut off all communication is not the best idea if it's not something ur partner doesn't actually want to do she will do it behind ur back simple as that. because well it brings u the place u are now with the facebook thing. also i do hope that u are not going through her stuff cause that would just fuels this whole thing. Step away, take a break and breath. if she really tried not talking to her but couldn't help herself then she probably has deeper feelings for this lady than led on

    I recommend therapy, a non judgmental source who is not going to take sides and is gonna provide u with support.

    you guys needs to have a long long talk. open communication. sometimes when ppl look for emotional and mental attachments/ connections else where it shows they are lacking that in their own relationships. so id say to sit down and let it all out, assertive, no yelling, no name calling, no threats.

    ask her about how she feels and about her attraction to her. obviously she can't have both of u.. and if she wants to be with u but at the same time have this nagging thought that she wished she was single so she could sort things out herself then maybe she needs to take time off to find herself again. u want a healthy relationship not something that is based on resentments. If she wants to continue a relationship with u, trust needs to be rebuild from ground up, and she has to want to work on that. hostile environment would not work at all to ur favor.

    i dont think it's a switch that can be turned on or off, if she likes her she needs to resolve her feelings first, and it's not fair to u either.

    forgiveness just like grief is a process and a journey that u both have to take part in to rebuild what was lost or damaged along the way. to be blunt with u, its not something that would go away with a hawaii vacation or a new car or a bunch of promises or blocking the girl on facebook. it starts with facing the reality and then going from there, open communication and sharing and more sharing, honestly, being heard, listened to, understood and validated. it goes both ways.

    best of luck to u and i hope i was at least a little helpful :)
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Forgive but end it. She needs to get it out of her system. I am sorry.

    @Omglol, yep I really dislike the alcohol thing.
     
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  4. WhatNow?

    WhatNow? Member

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    We did have a long conversation about this with no yelling etc. She says now that she just had a crush and that it went away and that she doesn't have legitimate feelings for her. She also said she doesn't feel the need to talk to her anymore and that talking to her makes her uncomfortable now because she can't believe that she screwed up our relationship over someone that means so little. I actually wasn't going through her stuff, she told me about the facebook message afterwards because she wants to work on finally being honest. That's one of our biggest issues, she lies about a lot of things and I find it upsetting because I'm honest to a fault. Why I'm not as easy to talk to is because I don't talk to her much when she makes me angry and a lot of the time when she has a problem with something I say/do, she doesn't tell me about it. Instead, she vents/trashes me to other people. Given this info, I should still end it?
     
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  5. Omglol

    Omglol Well-Known Member

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    the thing is I can never tell u to go on with the relationship or end it. it's not fair. I am not in ur life, i do not know what has been going on in this relationship the past 4 years u know?

    i am also a very honest person, the fact that i can pick up on ppl when they lie makes it harder let me just tell u that. so i can understand how annoying that can be.

    what i dont understand is how long has this whole thing been going on? if she just woke up and is like oh ok i dont wanna talk to her anymore... then that's a red flag that's denial ish.



    "she vents/trashes me to other people. " ohh that's not good. ya again i think u guys have communication problems and if she lies a lot for no particular reasons then u know these are things that needs to be seriously addressed.

    u dont talk to her when she makes u angry? so do u think u have passive anger then? again these are things that u 2 both should work on and that would strengthen the bond between u 2.

    i guess u should ask urself, do u respect her, r u attracted to her ( emotionally, mentally and physically) do u want a future with her, do u trust her... etc. i get it it's all confusing. I think u 2 should get couple's therapy if u want to continue being partners and work on ur problems.
     
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  6. WhatNow?

    WhatNow? Member

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    All of this has been going on for 2 months (although she told me about her lack of interest in the other girl a month ago), she didn't just wake up one day and say that she doesn't feel the need to talk to her anymore. She said that she spent a lot of time thinking and really analyzing the situation and she really regrets all of the things she said in that message because she mistook the excitement of a possibly strong friendship for something else. She told me that after realizing how much she hurt me over something that really wasn't important, the other girl became the least important thing in her life. She chose to block her on facebook and discontinue the texting because she said she wanted to do anything to prove to me that the other girl really meant nothing and that it was a huge mistake.

    As for my anger, I don't think I have passive anger because I have no problem saying what I think/feel to her. I just like to distance myself when I know that the argument isn't going anywhere good.

    I just posted this now and not when it originally happened because I figured I could sort it out myself but I'm still having trouble getting over all of it and just wanted to read other people's opinions on it. I've never been in a situation like this before so I appreciate all the responses. I really do want to be with her but I'm just having a hard time getting over the things she says behind my back. She hasn't been doing anything like that at all lately but I guess I'm still pretty hurt about everything and have yet to move on from it.
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you want to stay with her no matter what, you just want to fix it? It will take a journey and like Omglol said, go get help and counseling. In a relationship you will have uncertainty and your partner needing to vent to someone about stuff from time to time. It is best that if you have a problem with your partner, you can always work it out between the two of you but it doesn't always happen. You are unhappy with her about her past actions and still have doubts. She is in general having some issues with her relationship with you and have this defense mechanism that kicks in that lends her to go to everyone else but you.

    It is muddy for you right now and every time you want to completely forgive her and move onto the good times, your doubts kick in and wonder if this is all worth it. It is worth it as long as you both and truly love and accept each other. A good counselor can help you sort things out and facilitate communications between you two. You would be amazed how something like that can clear things up. I have seen a relationship bulletin board where they actually encourage both the couples to post on the thread. That is harder and seems kind of dicey because the responses are not instant but I have seen some good results even from that.

    I understand that sometimes you are not supposed to really know what someone thinks, because some thoughts are passing ones. It is like having dreams of someone else while you are in a relationship and you wake up and don't really want to share that with your partner. Yes, there is a slice of truth about someone but it does not really mean that is what that person really wants. It is similar when someone drinks and talks about some forbidden desire that flares up. For me, I can only hope that I provide my partner a truly safe space to talk about such things, whether it is a sordid dream or wakeful sideway glance outside the relationship. Cause, after all, what we really want is someone to hold, and accept and love. The world is flawed, we are flawed but screw all that because we have a space with a loved one on a journey down clear waters.
     
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  8. WhatNow?

    WhatNow? Member

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    Thanks for all the help, I really appreciate it.
     
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  9. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Coming as I do from a nation of piss heads, I would fully support the 'I was drunk Your Honor' defense. Like, I reckon small parts of ourselves, maybe undesirable parts, sometimes come out when we are drunk. But they are not 'the real truth' ect ect, because when sober, they may be balanced by many countering and perhaps more rational thoughts. So what she said in that text message need not necessarily be the truth, just one small aspect of how she feels about you and the girl. Perhaps a much larger part of her feels as she is pleading with you to believe...that it was a small crush that got out of hand.

    If I was you, I would give it another go. She has prob learned her lesson. See if you can have a little chat about what she went looking for in the girl that she couldn't find in you. Like maybe you are 90% perfect for her, and the little 10% that's missing, maybe the other girl had that in spades. And she wanted a little of the 10%, but she realized sharpish that the other 90% wasn't there at all, so she feels foolish for risking what she had with you for that little 10%. But the 10% had to be important, for her to to go there, as in, whatever is missing is a pretty big need for her. She kinda said something to you didn't she, in that text? Communication. She can talk to the other chick.

    Like the girls said; therapist, and as far as I know you didn't address that. Personally I find therapy shite, so I'm not saying you should go per say. However, the non-communicator will be very resistant to the notion of therapy (hang on, am I calling myself a non-communicator? shite..anyway, bear with me...). My point is, have you mentioned therapy to your gf? Who of the both of you would hate the idea more? How about you plonk yer respective selves in front of a fire with no telly and no computers, and talk, really talk, over a pot of tea? That's kinda therapy in itself. And I don't mean, 'you said, she said, no, I said' kinda talking, I mean 'In an ideal world, what do you want/need? What is important to you? What is my role in that and how do I help/hinder that?'

    Try to find a way to let her talk without taking it very personally or being very hurt by it, and hopefully she will do the same for you. It sounds like this conversation is way over due. What ye are hoping for currently is a 'please forgive me, lets forget about it' kinda brush off, and that prob won't be very successful long term. This happened for a reason. And that needs to be talked about and maybe that reason was to shine a light in a weakness in your relationship so that you both are forced to address it and can move forward all the stronger for it.
     
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  10. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

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    Ive been on the opposite side of this situation. And I not that it is okay, but it is something that will happen in an long term relationship. . In various degrees anyways. But it sounds like she has sorted it out and you are truly what she wants.... and who knows this could strengthen your relationship in the end. The fact that you guy's have overcome this obstacle. .. is really just proof that youve obviously got something to fight for.

    When youve been together that long... the honeymoon phase is over. And it can be confusing when you become attracted to or even infatuated with a new person. we just gotta be smarter than our whims... don't go making life altering decisions on temporary emotions.

    It sounds like you guys got it figured out though. Good luck to you &your relationship :))
     
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