Distance...

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by jinxie, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. jinxie

    jinxie Member

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    I've never posted before,not even sure what it is I want to get out of this but I figured it would be good to get this out.

    We met online. She lives in Europe (i will call her H), I'm from the Caribbean...miles apart. It started out quite innocently, simply looking for a friend to fill my days in between work. I don't know many gay people where I am from, it's simply not an accepted lifestyle so I always found myself searching for a connection anywhere I could find it...somewhere outside of my everyday realities. I'm closeted for the most part, only my best friend knows for sure since she's the only person I have ever told. Before "H" I had never been with a woman in any physical way. I had only admired from a distance and there was the one woman I fell in love with at 22 who I only recently stopped communicating with for my own mental health. She took me on an emotional roller coaster..highs, lows and everything in between. The typical story of the gay girl falling for her straight friend, even though there were times I questioned how straight she actually was but that's not what I'm here about.

    H and I hit it off,we were talking everyday by text and sometimes we would Skype. It got to the point where we both started to have feelings and maybe a month after communicating everyday she asked if I would be her girl. I said yes, we discussed the big issue of distance and decided to proceed. But in retrospect, I don't think neither of us knew how hard it would actually be. We met in person after 6 months of talking everyday...very much in love. She flew here to be with me and we spent 2 weeks together since i was only able to get that much time off from work. At the end of those 2 weeks we were both pretty devastated we had to be apart again and wait 9 more months before we could see each other, reasons being financial and other factors like job etc.

    This bring me to now where I think I am losing interest and feeling quite disconnected. I mean there is so much one can do through text and Skype. I feel like there is this huge hole that I want to be filled. I'm at the point in my life where I want to come home to hugs and kisses and instead I have to settle for an empty house. I told this to H because I think she was sensing that I was not myself. There is absolutely no way for me or her to see each other right now. At this point in our relationship we've only been together for 2 weeks in the 10 months or so that we started talking. I know that this is what we signed up for but I really had no idea how hard it would be. And she is always so optimistic and still very much in love but I'm slowly fading away and I hate this.

    So if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. As I said I don't know what response I will get from posting this but it feels good to do so anyway.
     
    #1
    HoneyDylan likes this.
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Been there.

    Long distance relationships only work if there's an ending to the "long distance" part. The fact of the matter is that via telephone, computer, text, you simply cannot get what you need from the other person to have a fulfilling relationship. People in relationships have needs -- a simple touch, a smile, a hug at the end of a bad day. You need to live through the day-to-day boringness to appreciate how great a relationship can be.

    The questions you need to ask yourself is "where is this going?" "does this relationship have a future?" Because, so long as there's an end to being apart, then you can make it work. My relationship was long distance until she moved here. If you stay mired in the same situation, seeing each other sporadically, the frustration will only grow worse. You need a real plan.
     
    #2
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  3. jinxie

    jinxie Member

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    Thanks for your reply. I completely agree with you about having a plan. I feel like all we have now are dreams of being together. We had agreed that some time next year i would spend 3 months with her but that also comes with its issues. Id basically have to quit my job and right now she doesnt work because she is unable to do so. She's actively working on getting better to start working again but we really have no idea when that will be. The more i ask myself the question of "where is this going," the more I see many many months of waiting and uncertainty. It breaks my heart and I really do try to be positive but its just so hard.
     
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  4. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    I hate to tell you, but this doesn't sound like it's going to work. It's easy to get caught up in long distance relationships with someone you don't really know, but the reality is you live in a different time and place. Real life does, and should, take precident over whatever is going on with the other person over the phone and the internet.

    The fact that she doesn't work is also a problem. How does she support herself? If she lives with her parents, how do you suppose she expects a relationship to go with you or anyone else? You would have to support her. It sounds like you're ready to find someone new. This time look only for someone who is within easy driving distance from where you live. Someone you can see in the evenings and on the weekends. She should also look for someone closer to her home. Eventually, it'll work out. It's just a matter of making a couple of mistakes before you figure out what will really work for you.
     
    #4
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  5. jinxie

    jinxie Member

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    Reality is definitely better than what I have now and i wish it was as easy as finding someone where im from. I live in an extremly homophobic country. There is really no way to live openly here and not risk losing your life. Long distance would have never been my first choice, especially with someone so far away but we really just clicked and all those feelings developed. I really do love and care for her so much. Im sure you dont doubt that but I say it anyway. She doesnt live with her parents and gets enough money to live by but definitely wouldnt be able to support both of us in her current situation. It will be a few more months before she will be able to work again. Im just emotionally exhausted. Having someone you want to be close with but cant physically do anything. I almost rather not have anyone at all. I respect your views and thank you so much for your input.
     
    #5
  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    If you have the type of job where you can work anywhere, then why not put a plan in place to move closer to her? A job...is just a job unless this is a long term career path kind of thing. And, if you're resourceful, you can take your skills and translate them anywhere. Besides, if you're in such a miserably homophobic country, what is keeping you there? Friends? Family? Start to think about what YOU want and what makes you happy.
     
    #6
  7. jinxie

    jinxie Member

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    I have nothing here but my possessions and a couple good friend but nothing I cant leave behind. I dont see myself living here and being happy... never have. Before i met her i had plans to relocate, my mom lives in States so i have explored moving there. H and I have discussed me moving to europe but with only 2 weeks together I will have to spend more time with her to know how to proceed with that plan. We have decided that I will stay for a few months next year. Id have to leave my job of course so this totally depends on her being able to support us during this visit. I currently work in Sales so thats pretty universal. Im also trained as a phlebotomist. Both skills i can carry with me. Im always so worried about being judged an rarely take chances. I really should reassess what I want and what will make ME happy. Thanks spygirl.
     
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  8. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    This is your life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start taking chances!!! Do NOT get stuck in a place where you can't be yourself and you feel you will never be happy. I know it is scary to get up and move, but think long term. You want to be able to walk down the street holding your girlfriends hand, going home to her after a long day at work, travel with her....There's so much you will miss just holding onto a never ending long distance relationship. I am also unsure if moving to your girlfriend who can't support the two of you for a bit will work out well... Sounds stressful...But thats just my opinion, no offense.
    Can you live with your mom in the states while you find a job and get settled? Why not try that?
     
    #8
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  9. jinxie

    jinxie Member

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    Yes i will be making the move eventually to be closer to my mom but of course when one moves to a whole other country there is a lot of paperwork involved. We will start this process soon. I thank you for your encouragement. I will get out of here. May take time but I will.
     
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