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Discussion in 'Relationships' started by wicker_ne, Nov 30, 2014.
deleted. /no longer relevant
I have no info on being asexual but maybe I can offer some input. I understand that while you don't have sex on the mind, the actual sex is pleasurable for you both. Then, is it possible for you to schedule it? If the setup is mainly for you to pleasure her, maybe the most satisfying and easy thing to do is to start noticing what time of day or days of the week or months she peaks. When you get a pattern going then you can actually secretly code it in your calendar to surprise her.
As far as coming out to her, you can explain in a way where you don't allow her to think that it is all mechanical for you when you actually are in the act. Avoid her picturing you packing your briefcase and sandwich as if going to a job. Perhaps approach her and let her know why at times you just fail to initiate. Mates can have lopsided priorities from each other but still they can work to complement each others wants and needs.
I am a bit at sea here with where it goes wrong if you are both enjoying sex once you are having it. In what way is the game off? Is it the infrequency because you don't think of it therefore not initiate? Is she getting tired being the one asking?
hmm not to call too many questions on your diagnosis, but have you considered other medical explanations or at least spoken to a doctor? Its just from what you said, it seems to me like you have an extreemly low sex drive. The reason I say that is because you said that you still find your partner extremely sexually attractive. Which wouldn't be the case if you were asexual.
There are a number of factors that could affect your sex drive. If you've noticed that its decreased significantly in the last 3.5 years or if you were sexually active before your current relationship, try to compare yourself then to now. If there is a sharp difference then I would definitely speak to a doctor especially if you've noticed or have any significant medical problems.
Are you on an medication, maybe check to see if the side affects include a lower sex drive. Other things that will affect your sex drive include Fatigue, amount of Alcohol you consume, (a little will increase your libido but too much will seriously affect your sex drive). There are even non sexual diseases which affect your sex drive, these include arthritis, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease and neurological diseases.
Now this is NOT to panic you, I just think before you commit to the asexual route, be sure that it is actually what you are. In other words first Rule out any other reason for your lower sex drive. Maybe you have and just not stated it, if so sincere apologies.
Hi Wicker, Thanks for posting.
Wow! There is a lot going on there and you sure do have a bit of a tricky one going on. I'm a bit all over the place with this reply. Sorry. I answered the first part of the reply based on the assumption that you are Asexual and then examined other options later. I didn't go too deep into any solutions, until I know a bit more about the nature of the problem.
The questions I asked are a bit personal in nature at times, so you don't have to answer them on here. Answering them to yourself to seek clarity is grand.
You said you enjoyed sex with your gf. I'm not sure an Asexual feels sexual pleasure, so I'm wondering where your enjoyment stems from? For example, an Asexual's enjoyment of sex, if any, may be based on the altruistic pleasure of 'giving' something to your gf or maybe the enjoyment of emotional intimacy and closeness that springs from sex or even that your gf is happy after it. Do you feel those things or do you also enjoy the physical aspects of sex? Cause if you...you know...get turned on and you know...etc etc...that's prob pretty unusual Asexual behavior (You are right...we do need to hear from an Asexual on this, as I could be talking utter shite becuse I don't know enough about Asexuality). However, if u like sex cause your gf likes it, that is prob Asexual behavior and I would totally understand why you would rather not continue like that. Gosh, that's quite hard for you.
I should state that I'm a total sexual autonomy Nazi when it comes to sex. Being in a relationship does not and should not guarantee both parties a right to sex if one does not want it for any reason. I think the concept of entitlement where one expects the other to perform is gross and a throwback to the dark ages and the notion of women as property. So coming from that perspective, if you are actually Asexual and making yourself have sex with your gf for her sake (even if she is unaware of what you are doing) and because you are afraid that your lack of desire will cost you the relationship, then I think that may be damaging to yourself and should be something you look towards stopping doing as soon as possible. Which I guess from your post, you are thinking of doing?
Talking to your gf about this if you do decide to come out as Asexual is potentially going to be like a bomb going off in the relationship, because, apart from where you go from here, the past is going to be examined first. It will prob really reframe your relationship in her mind and not really in a good way. The sex you've had is going to come up and how you felt about that, which, if you are Asexual, is not the same way as her. She is going to as questions like whether you simulated auditory and physical responses to her in order to enhance her sexual pleasure, which is a kind way of saying she is going to want to know if you faked it. And if you say you didn't (either because it's true or because you want to spare her knowing that you did), it's going to discredit the Asexual tag in her mind. (Gosh, I'm a ray of sunshine this morning. Sorry). So, you have a significant problem if you are Asexual, as your choices are no sex and gf has to find a way around that or some sex, which is potentially damaging to you and where you gf now enters into it with the awareness that you are ...not in the same place as her about it, . Either option is fairly tricky, but not insurmountable at all with the right couple and frame of mind.
Now another thing to examine is the asexuality itself. A few things you have said kinda imply something else to me, like the fact that you have a low sex drive, or lesbian bed death or even high emotional connection, but poor sexual connection with your gf, i.e. you are not that attracted to her physically.
So a few questions to consider maybe that might help figure this out: (you don't have to answer these out loud)
Did you 'n your gf sleep together a lot more in the initial stages of your relationship and did it peter out over time as other forms of intimacy grew?
Do you rarely need or think about sex but on the odd time it happens you achieve sexual pleasure and/or climax?
What about previous partners if there were any? Or other girls in general? Did you have the same sexual feelings or lack of towards them? Has/have their been people in your life that you found yourself very sexually attracted to (even for a brief period) where you found yourself thinking sexually about them and wanting sexual intimacy with them when you were around them?
Sorry about all the questions. To surmise, I think what you need first is a clearer idea of what all this is about before you say anything...cause it's going to be a hard enough convo to have even if ur fairly clear on where you stand. I guess that's what you are doing on here and that's a good idea. Hopefully some asexuals will pick up on this and help you out. Secondly, I would advise that if you don't feel like having sex with ur gf for any reason, don't for now.
And to finish of with another slew of questions; how old are you guys? How long have you been together and do you have any kids?
Nothing to add as Moses has said it so well.
BTW, I just remembered listening to this podcast some time ago. Please check it out:
It takes a bit for the podcast to get going, like about 10 minutes in. Audio and maybe NSFW, adult subject and all that.
I like the part: Desire: Spontaneous vs Responsive vs Context-sensitive, Sex Break & Gas Pedals, and that doesn't start till after 20 mins in.
Have you recently gone through menopause? When I did, I had low to no sex drive for a few years. Even though my interest in sex has returned, it's nothing like it used to be. I still find myself attracted to women, but I'm not in any big hurry to jump into the sack with anyone. Although I'm currently single, when I do meet someone who catches my eye I'll be perfectly happy taking a long time getting to know her before we do the sex thing. When I was younger it didn't take long for me to want to become intimate, but now it's not that important. I still think it has its place in a relationship and it's an important element, but it's not the most important element.
I am not versed in the topic but I am not sure that you are asexual, you described being attracted to your partner. However, terminology is not important but how you feel. There many questions that people have asked here that are important and may help you understand your own situation.
If the fact that you have low sexual desire troubles you and you want to work on it, then having the support of your partner is very important. I don't think of it as coming out but sharing with your partner what is happening to you. I understand the "sexual nazi" above, aka Moses , when she says that one should not be forced to participate in sex. However, as part of the connecting tissue of a relationship sex is important and, ideally, you should be able to discuss all aspects of it with your partner.
Some experts describe sex a non-natural activity in the sense that it is not instinct, we have to learn it. For example, we are not born knowning how to pleasure (even ourselves) but we need to discover and learn how to do it. I guess this reinforces the idea of understanding your feelings and why it is happening to you. Furthermore, I think that agrees with the idea from Greylin about scheduling sex, or better yet, intimate time with your partner. To me, sex doesn't have to be penetrative and orgasmic always, but being intimate whatever that means with my partner and if there is some act involved then yay .
A little thing you can do is to make a list of the moments when you enjoyed and/or wanted sex (what were the conditions, timing, place, what did you do before and after, what did your partner do before and after...) You can think about what made those times special. Perhaps you can use that information to help you understand what is going on.
Also, when you talk to your partner about this type of topics, people recommend to use "I" statements such us "I feel...". Because you are not trying to point fingers but just describing your side. I know that talking about things that are not working in a relationship can be tricky and I hope you can find support on each other.
As a final thought, you can also find help with a sex therapist or a sex coach.