disastrous situation

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by GreenBeen, Dec 29, 2016.

  1. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Hey girls,

    So I'm in my mid 20s and full on gay.

    I have a best friend who I spend a lot of time with. Over the summer suddenly she kissed me at a bar. I didn't think anything of it since she has often stated that she is straight.

    Another time we were out of town and she full on made out with me. We ended up having sex. Another time, sober she got on me and we almost had sex.

    After that we were cuddling one night and I went in for a kiss. She started saying she didn't want it to be an all time thing and just did it a few times because she was bored. She felt she wasn't into it. I was upset but just decided to forget about it and our friendship resumed.

    However, our friendship was too close. We would sleep over at each others places every weekend, cuddle and hold each other. She would let me touch her breast and massage her. We would go for breakfast , Fall asleep on each other while holding hands. We basically were a couple without having the label couple.

    I should have not continued this physical cuddling couple stuff because I was developing feelings.

    Things exploded a week ago when a guy friend of mine who she was into was at an event we were both at. I felt hurt and jealous of seeing them together. And the next day when I say my friend, she was in a bad mood but mentioned how happy she was to talk to that guy and I made a comment "oh you'd be in a better mood if he was here" and she said yes.

    I felt hurt and started telling her how it was killing me. That I want her to be happy, but that it hurts me. She was upset because she felt like I was putting the guy she is into down and not supporting her. I told her she would be the perfect girlfriend for me and that's how I truly feel even though I told her I know she doesn't feel the same.

    It just got worse because I tried to put my arm around her like we always do and she pushed me away. I was really hurt and told her to not be like that. Eventually I just left because she was upset at me.

    The next day she sent me a text saying I was rude and unsupportive. That she didn't like me putting the guys she likes down. I apologized but I never even said anything overtly mean about the guys. I just reiterated what she would say. I told her that we shouldn't be physical anymore and that all I want is for her to be happy.

    We met up and talked about and she wants us to be friends and support each other. She wants me to support when she likes a guy. I told her I just want her to be happy but that she understands my viewpoint.

    It hurt because she mentions how it made her uncomfortable that I said she would make the perfect gf for me. It was kind of crushing to hear but nonetheless our friendship was mended.

    We have been talking like usual but I found myself wanting some distance. I should know better not to invest in a experimental girl. It just hurts that all those times of cuddling and everything means nothing to her.

    Worse than that, before our big fight one night we were out and she wanted to bring a guy home. In my car. I was not having it. I didn't want to drive him home and I was hurt but never told her why until that big fight.

    I feel a lack of compassion from her. It's normal to feel hurt and jealous. She was mad at me because of my lack of support for the guys she likes. But what about my feelings. Anyways thoughts?
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, I think that you already have the answers that you need here. But sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else too, so here goes.

    1) What is up with her? It is not entirely clear from what has happened / what you have posted.
    -Maybe her definition of straight is just different from yours (see item 5, way down below)
    - Maybe she is bi, but isn't looking for a relationship atm
    - Maybe she is bi, but would prefer to just hook up with women, but wants to hook up with and be in relationships with men.
    - Maybe she is bi and in denial or closeted.

    2) What is up with the situation?
    Honestly? Sexuality happens on a spectrum and 'relationships' happen on a spectrum. What do people get out of relationships - companionship, romantic love, affection, sex and more. It is not so much a black and white line with friendships on one side and full on long term monogamous relationships with companionship, love, affection and sex on the other.

    Sometimes people just want no strings attached sex, other people want companionship and love but open relationships, etc...

    3) What are my thoughts?
    It sounds like this girl is bicurious, but wants very different things from dating right now. It is up to you to communicate what your boundaries are about sex and dating and stick to them. It is up to you if she won't respect your boundaries to take a step back from spending time with her.

    When I was a baby dyke, I got burned pretty bad once (OK, more than once, but once that is relevant to this situation.) I really liked this woman. We went out a few times, I had a huge crush on her and really liked her. We hooked up. The next morning she was like 'that was fun, but get out.' See, she wasn't really all that into me, but she was coming off a nasty break up and just wanted a hook up. She got what she wanted and was done with me. I felt used and hurt.

    I learned my lesson that not everyone has the same ideas about what dating, hooking up and relationships mean.

    People use each other all the time. For sex, for companionship, for support. That doesn't mean that they like you, that they want to date you, or that they even want to reciprocate the support and connection.

    I can't really be mad at the woman who hooked up / dropped me. She didn't lie to me or anything, I just assumed something and ran with it.

    I did learn from my mistakes. After that, I never slept with someone without talking to them a little bit first. 'Do you just want a fwb thing, are you open to dating and seeing where it goes, etc...?' I had a number of women say 'nah, I am just looking for a hook up.' I don't really do hook ups, so I would say no - and avoided a repeat of that used hurt thing.

    You seem to be in a similar situation with your friend. It seems like she wants to be your good friend, with affection and companionship. She also seems to want a no strings attached fwb situation. But she doesn't want a relationship, she certainly doesn't want to be monogamous with you. She wants to be able to hook up with other people.

    In her mind, she never promised you anything, so she thinks you are out of line being upset that she hooks up with other people.

    4) What should you do?
    I think you should think long and hard about what you want. Do you have feelings for this girl? Do you want to date her? Do you want to have fwb with her? Can you deal with her hooking up with guys and other girls?

    Then decide what your boundaries are. If it's too much to see her hooking up, then maybe you take a break from going to bars with her. If fwb is too much for you, tell her that you don't want to hook up / make out / talk about sex with her anymore. If you are too hung up on her, you may have to take a break from being around her.

    5) What you shouldn't do
    Don't focus too much on analyzing her. Maybe she behaves this way with you because she is in denial about her sexuality. Or maybe she is just a bi 20 something who wants to have fun and hook ups. Maybe in her mind she considers herself straight because she falls in love with guys and girls are just hook ups to her. That may not be how you define 'straight,' but it is complicated taking sexuality that occurs on a spectrum and shoving it into 3 neat little boxes. I know plenty of lesbians who enjoyed sex with men, but consider themselves lesbians because they only fall in love with women.

    Good luck and post as much as you need.
     
    #2
  3. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    I cannot thank you enough for your post Buenote. I appreciate the detail of complexities that surround love and sexuality.

    What I know for sure is that she has mentioned how she feels she is perhaps slightly bisexual. However, in regards to how she feels towards me, she really does not.seem to want to date me at all. How I know this? Well when we were having the big fight and I mentioned to her how she'd be the perfect gf for me she replied "but I'm not" and I also didn't want to bring any of it up with her since I knew that it is not reciprocated.

    When I last saw her, she told me how she was upset that I was being an unsupported friend about the guys that she likes. (Really though I wasn't being unsupportive I tell her again and again how I want her to be happy, all she knows now is that it does make me jealous)

    It's like the guys she likes have a much more important role than me, in which when I told her when we had the fight that it hurt me.to see the guy friend there being at the show hurt me seeing them flirt and that in a way I wished I hadn't invited him because it hurt me to see them flirt. I told her that and that my rudeness was a cause of my hurt.

    She said that upset her that I said that about the guys so clearly she wants to be with them and not me.

    We did mend our friendship and that is what was most important for me. However, I was left with a sense of heaviness and hurt. And I think the root of thus hurt is that my feelings for her are not reciprocated.

    Most importantly, I'm upset at myself for showing my hurt because now she no longer wants to cuddle and touch each other as we use to. That bothers me because I really enjoyed getting some kind.of physical intimacy with her and now that physical intimacy is no longer there.

    That's what I find bothers me the most, that physical closeness is lost. But then again why does that bother me.so much? Because I have feelings I would say. I don't think it never meant anything for her.

    We've been talking as usual this week although I have been a bit distant recently because I feel hurt. I can't put my finger on why I'm so hurt, I think it's her lack of compassion for my hurt, unreciprocated feelings, rejection and self blame for putting myself in this situation.

    I've also been feeling a lot of self blame. That I shouldn't have shown my jealousy or else our cuddly friendship would have resumed and I would not be feeling this turmoil at the moment. But then again seeing her with guys tore me apart so I think it would have just made me feel worse in the long term.

    Thoughts?
     
    #3
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Honestly, I think this is the crux of the issue. You two are in different places. You want to date her, she just wants a fwb thing with you. This has resulted in hurt feelings, her resenting your hurt feelings, etc... There is no 'right' or 'wrong' in this situation. Sometimes people with the very best of intentions still wind up hurting each other.

    Back in my younger days, I certainly dated a few girls who "wanted to like me" (because I am a sweet girl and liked them) but just didn't reciprocate my feelings. I felt hurt. They felt guilty. No one was 'to blame' it's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes. And, of course, sometimes the situation was reversed where a sweet girl really liked me and I just wasn't into her back.

    Again, I think this is the crux of the issue. You would like to date her, she just wants fwb. It is normal that you feel hurt, sad, weird, whatever. It is also normal that she doesn't want to take on your sad, hurt, etc... I think it is best if both of you quit trying to justify your feelings and just own them. She doesn't have to have done anything wrong for you to feel sad. She could have done everything 'right' and you could still wind up feeling sad. You aren't responsible for any guilt that she feels. If she is going to run around having hook ups and fwb, without setting some boundaries first, she is going to have to get used to the fact that she will hurt some people along the way (more on this later).

    Separate your feelings from judgements about what is 'right' or 'wrong.' Just feel your feelings.

    I am sorry that this hurts, believe me, I have been there. It hurts when someone you like likes someone else. No matter the reason - if she's more into guys, if she really like another girl, whatever - it would hurt. Just deal with the fact that it hurts. Let yourself be sad or mad, write in your journal, listen to sad music - whatever you do when things go wrong with a girl.

    I don't think the cuddly friendship thing is good for you. I think it is good that you two have stopped it. You clearly like her more than she likes you. Being her spoon / occasional hook up on the side does not work for you. It's just bargaining to think maybe you could go back to spooning but no sex and things would be ok. Could you really be her spoon buddy, but be ok with her hooking up with guys? With having a bf? Or a gf? Or other girl spoon buddies?

    It really doesn't sound like it from your posts. And that is ok, open relationships aren't for everyone. If it's not for you, it is best to not try and pretend like you would be ok being in an open relationship. Just because the 'relationship' would just be spooning with a crush doesn't mean that it isn't an emotionally meaningful relationship to you.

    So yeah, no cuddling with her.

    This is a sticky wicket, because it gets back into the issue of 'right' and 'wrong' and all that. I still am of the belief that you two both just need to focus on your feelings without trying to justify them.

    That being said, if she is going to do the non-monogamy thing, she is also going to need to learn to deal with the consequences. You see, there is the bare minimum of being a decent human being and then there is being healthy and respectful.

    As a bare minimum - she didn't lie to you and she didn't trick or coerce you into anything.

    But she wasn't exactly healthy and respectful, either. She didn't lay out her feelings and expectations (any more than you did). She didn't say 'hey, I just want a no strings thing,' or 'this is fun, but I see myself with a guy.' If she is a big enough girl to play, then she is a big enough girl to face the consequences. In this case the consequences are - if you are going to do non-monogamy without setting expectations, you are going to wind up hurting some people. You can't then put all the blame on the other people for getting hurt. At some point you have to realize - hey, if I am going to do non-monogamy without breaking hearts, then maybe I need to do more than the bare minimum and start actually talking with people about what I expect before just diving into things.

    She is not 'right' or 'wrong,' but she is wanting to behave a certain way, without excepting the consequences of that behavior.

    Honestly, I can't figure out why you want to date her. She seems selfish, immature and spoiled. I think that you really can do better. You sound like a mature, thoughtful person. I really think you can find a much better girl than this immature emotional wrecking ball.
     
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  5. GreenBeen

    GreenBeen Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your advice Blue Note. You have written the most in depth and helpful advise I have ever read. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time for writing all this.

    I have simply just felt my feelings. And to update, we had a new years party with my friends. The guy she was crushing on was there and at some point they got all cuddly and I did feel hurt. I didn't say anything all night but the guy has a GF and I simply said whilst being drunk, "I don't think your GF would like that"

    My friend whom I had feelings for was a bit upset about that but she does think I'm right at the same time. We had a heart to heart the next day and I basically told her how I was hurt and all I was feeling and we basically just underlined the importance of our friendship. She even came over last night when I was really sick and was feeling down and we pretty much resumed our strong friendship. She mentioned how she never rejected me, but that I knew that she wasn't into girls from a long time.ago and so I knew where I stand.

    What matters at the end of the day is the friendship I have with her. It's funny because I have reached this acceptance that she will never feel the same way about me. She is crazy about that guy friend. But that's okay. At least she knows how I felt.

    I'd simply like to find a passionate love. I'm focusing on my life, goals and hobbies and always trying to better myself until the right one comes along and wants to join me.

    We have a very strong connection. And like I said odds are nothing will ever come of it. I'm just going to give her the best friendship I can give her without the expectation of her romantic love.

    Although in my dream fantasy mind, movie scene thoughts, can she ever one day grow to love me? Has anyone ever been in a situation in which the person started to love them? (I'm just being curious, I don't hope for this)
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Nope. Any girl who wasn't into me after hooking up or making out never went on to later fall for me. Any girl who experimented with me but was really into guys never went on to fall for me. The chemistry is either there or it isn't.

    She keeps telling you that she is straight and she clearly likes this guy enough to kinda cheat with him. She is not gay, you were just an experiment thing for her. I get that that hurts (having certainly been there). She isn't exactly treating you like a friend, she was happy to use you without thinking about your feelings. Move on to an actually gay (or bi) girl.

    Good luck.

    (And ps, she is probably going to wind up getting drunk and cheating with this guy and it's gonna be drama. Buy popcorn).
     
    #6
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2017
  7. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    No. I have been universally disappointed by one-sided friendships-with-attractions/hooking up/levels of seriousness. Any time I have wanted someone romantically where they have wanted friendship, or wanted a relationship where they wanted casual hookups, or wanted exclusivity where they wanted friends-with-benefits - any time at all - I have gotten hurt by our mismatched capacity and desire. Even when I knew they didn't want what I wanted. Even when I told myself I'd be okay with "just" friendship, or "just" sex.

    And I have been the other girl, who really tried to be clear about what I wanted or was capable of, and ended up hurting someone terribly because they just kept secretly deep-down fantasyland hoping that I'd realize that she was there all along (though we were college kids and it was more along the lines of "cuddling during movies and staying up late having intense conversations" than hooking up drunk). I hated being in that position, too, and really wished she could have heard my "no" for what it was.

    The best thing you can do, for you and for her, is to hear the "no" and move on. Because the world is full of gay girls who actually want to be in a relationship with you and you alone, and you should start meeting them and investing your time in relationships that can actually go somewhere other than heartbreak.
     
    #7
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