Dealing with my wife's ex, the kids father

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by starstruck23, Aug 16, 2018.

  1. starstruck23

    starstruck23 New Member

    Aug 16, 2018
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    Hello AE members,

    I'm dealing with a situation here that deals with issues pertaining to my wife's old boyfriend. They had two boys together. When I met my wife the boys were 3 1/2 and barely 1 years old, it was the last half of 2015.

    He has been a shit father to the boys and was a horrible partner to my wife. He would always go drinking with his friends to the point that our older son didn't want to be held by him. When he cheated on her (for months) while she was pregnant with the second baby she almost left him but he somehow convinced her to accept his infidelity. He wanted the woman he cheated on my wife with to move in with both of them. That actually happened but after a year that woman left him and said she couldn't deal with his behavior.

    I met my wife a couple of months after that woman had moved out of their home and apparently he was still having sex with that woman. He wanted their relationship to be open and he accepted me as her partner(only because he had his side B). He would always get jealous of my relationship with my wife and at several points had asked her to leave me. She obviously did not. He would also send me messages to leave his "wife" alone when they were never married. He tried to propose to her in mid 2016 and that's when she finally told him that it wasn't going to happen.

    He asked my wife to pick up the kids on several occasions because he was drinking and couldn't bring the kids home. He demanded he have the kids on the weekends but would flake. Once he starting "dating" some woman, he would actually come around to take the kids. They got into a big roll over accident and he told my wife it was a fender bender until the kids told us that the car had rolled over several times. He filed the kids under his taxes when he only had them maybe 10 weekends out of the whole year. My wife is very gullible and he said he needed their socials because he was going to put them on his insurance (this was after he got pissed, when he found out that I had put the kids on my insurance). He never buys clothes or shoes for them, he's careless and they always end up being ruined. There has just been so much more crap that I have had to deal with because of him and it's affecting the relationship I have with my wife.

    I have been unemployed for almost two months which is very unusual for me. The longest I had been without a job in my whole career was three weeks and my wife gets upset because we are so tight on money(some of our savings have dwindled). I've been actively applying to jobs but no one will hire me because of my experience. Indeed, CL, glassdoor, you name it.

    I've been trying to convince my wife to go to child support services to get advice on this and she hesitates. She says she doesn't want to be like him and I just want what's best for the kids and their well being.

    What should I do or what would you guys suggest might alleviate the situation? I feel like I have my hands tied around my back :(

    Thank you for any words or advice you might have to offer.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
    Likes Received:
    It sounds like you can only stay in your lane for a little bit before you carry your wife's burden.

    1. Go get unemployment, you need something. I hope you have unemployment where you live.
    2. What is your status with your wife? Are you together legally? Can you collect government aid for the kids yourself?
    3. Get legal advice, hopefully somebody who can provide it for free on what your wife can do about her ex and the kids.

    You can't sustain things the way it is. Unless she can work and you can watch the kids for a while. There are work at home jobs you maybe able to do. Even do some gig type work, walking people's dogs, pet sitting that you can do while with kids.

    I have sorry what you are dealing with and her ex is a class A jerk. But do focus on the money bit for now and figure the rest later. I can't believe he has the gall to file head of household with the kids.
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I guess love is blind...but you walked into a situation with your "wife" that had a million red flags from the beginning with a dangerous situation with the kids -- one which, IMO, requires legal intervention to set boundaries on custody, visitation, child support. You can't change the past though, but you can change how you move forward with this.

    1. If your wife truly wants what is best for the kids, then she needs a child support order in place. Period.
    2. Your wife puts up with the ex's crap to the detriment of your relationship -- that she entertains his bs will continue to cause your relationship with her longterm problems.
    3. Your wife needs an established custody/visitation order in place. The kids don't sound safe with him.
    4. Your finances -- marriage is a partnership. You pick each other up when one person needs it..not blame the other for a lack of a job. What is SHE doing to try to help in this situation other than getting upset that you're tight on money?

    You need to take a long, hard, objective look at the situation and decide what is ENOUGH, particularly when it seems that your wife can't take a healthy approach in managing her relationship with her ex.

    Sorry to be so blunt...

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