Dealing with first broken heart

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by daydreamer33, Oct 29, 2014.

  1. daydreamer33

    daydreamer33 Active Member

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    Hello and thank you in advance to anyone willing to give me some advice. I was with my first girlfriend for six months and we just broke up last week. I am in my mid 20's so I guess you could call me a late bloomer. Anyway, the whole six months of dating was pretty great overall. We were very compatible, had lots in common, didn't argue much etc. There was also lots of sweet romantic gestures and very tender, sweet sex. The first 4 months or so of the relationship I was just trying to enjoy it and not get too caught up in the future because I didn't know where we were headed. Then around month 4 I started to really consider a future together.

    I knew that eventually my (now ex) girlfriend would have to move to a bigger city to pursue her education. I started to think about what it might look like for me to go with her. The idea was very abstract because no decisions had been made and there was no particular timeline on when she would go.

    Anyway, last week with tears in her eyes she broke up with me, saying that although she didn't want to break up, she also didn't want to disappoint me. She thought that she just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. At the same time she also explained that she'd decided where she was going to school (she will be leaving for the big city in about 6 months). I was totally blindsided. I hadn't even imagined we would be breaking up at this point. She told me that she just didn't think she could be there for me emotionally. It may be worth mentioning that she is also a few years younger than I am.

    She had shared with me early in our relationship that she has an ongoing struggle with anxiety. I was very accepting and supportive, but I am wondering if this is possibly a contributing factor. She basically told me that the idea of a serious relationship causes her panic. I was certainly surprised because she always behaved so romantically and treated me so well. She was the one who asked me to be her girlfriend. Anyway, now I feel totally confused because our relationship was so great up until it wasn't. It feels so strange to know that she is living right down the road from me, but that I will likely never see or speak to her again. We did agree that continuing our relationship until she moved would probably just make things harder for us both, especially because she didn't feel ready to have me move with her.

    I know that I will just have to move on but right now I am so confused and hurt. I am especially hurt because I really put my self out there as we were breaking up and basically said I was willing to do just about anything to see if we could make it work. She still said she wasn't ready, but that she wished she were. I am glad that now I know for sure that I want a serious relationship... I just don't quite know what to do differently in the future and I miss my girlfriend a lot. Any advice from anyone out there? Maybe someone could shed some light on how my ex is feeling?
     
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  2. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    so reading from your story is.. I get it that you guys broke up in the name of love right?? like its not a bad break up and stuff..
    first of all you're not a late bloomer mate <3, everyone have their own moment whether its on their 20 or 30 or 40 who knows, you're perfectly okay..

    now about the break up.. have you guys ever consider long distance relationship?? I mean I know shes goin to be busy with uni and other stuff but that is one of the option that you might want to consider but if shes not ready for it, the only way is to let her go...

    I'm a wee bit late on reading this post.. but I know how you feel right now.. you're hurt and confused but eventually it will pass on.. you will feel better in time but for now try to get better first, go out and I do think being friends with her is goin to make it harder for both of you but it might work. I personally think its really hard and its not do-able but you might made it and stays as friend

    but anyhow good luck with everything, I would love to hear from you and listen to you if you need someone to talk to :)

    xx
     
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  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    Break ups are hard regardless of the circumstances. You are learning from this experience even if you don't realize it yet.

    Sometimes we get caught up in our own dreams and think that the other person is in synch with them. You love each other so much that it does not make sense to think otherwise. However, we do not know our significant other's state of mind, we can guess but we don't know for sure. Later, when we check with each other we get surprise to see we might be thinking differently. It looks like this is what happened to you.

    Here are my two cents about her. But take this with a big chunk of salt because I am just speculating based on what you said and some personal experience:

    I think she does need to figure some things to be able to actually treat you well in the relationship (I know she was nice to you but that is not what I mean). That is, to offer you commitment. I am sure she loves you but it is not the same as offering you her word that she will be by your side. My guess is that she is thinking about all possibilities right now: school, a new city, new people, a career... and all of the sudden she looks at those things and your relationship and she feels like it is one or the other. I don't think she broke up with you because she fears to disappoint you but because she wants to do things that seem difficult if she is committed formally to you. Unfortunately for you, she came to realize all this things when she had to actually make decision about her future and not before.

    I am not justifying her, and neither should you. I am just trying to understand.

    If you lose her as a friend because she is going away and she says is to painful then it is up to her. You can offer your friendship and leave the door open so she knows she counts on you as a friend. However, it does not mean that you are waiting for you or you secretly hope she will take you back.

    Now, what to do? that is a different thing. The suggestion of having a long distance relationship is valid as long as you two are willing to work the relationship. But I have the impression she has other ideas.

    You might need to face the decision of letting her go, putting distance, or go after her. Letting go is not easy nor pain free. I will not lie to you, your feelings for her will remain, they will evolve but you will have feelings. However, you also need to think about yourself and think about your future. You are young and you are still building your career and your options.

    Things are still fresh and it is confusing. Take one day at a time but rest assure that you did everything right, you gave her all your love. That is what matters.

    Best of luck for you.

    -- CA
     
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  4. daydreamer33

    daydreamer33 Active Member

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    Thanks everyone for the thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. I don't think that a long distance relationship or even a friendship will really work out in this case. Over time I just have to let go. The idea that she could still love me but not be able to promise to stay by my side really helped me. Because I have been trying to understand how our relationship could seem so good in so many ways and still end in a break up. Thanks again.
     
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  5. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

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    Good luck mate<3 you will feel better in time :)
    xx
     
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