Dating A Shy Girl? I can't read her

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by keepinitreal, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. keepinitreal

    keepinitreal Active Member

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    A good friend of mine recently pseudo set me up with another friend / mutual acquaintance (we will call her X). She kinda did the whole ask each person if they had considered the other person romantically, and I guess we both said positive things...not that we were head over heels crushing on each other but that we liked each other and would be open to the possibility. X is someone I hadn't really considered before since I didn't know if she was actually gay or what her situation was. But after my friend brought her up to me in this context I started thinking of her differently.

    Apparently my friend said that X wants to take things slow and get to know me better to see if we should take it to dating. Also, she said that X is pretty shy/conservative and moves extremely slowly in relationships.

    So keeping this info in mind I waited until we had a group hangout. After that, I decided I wanted to get to know her better and be at least a little intentional about things, so I asked her to get drinks about a week later. She agreed and seemed positive about it, and even suggested the very next day, although she was taking a bit long to respond to texts to make the plan. She also suggested a group thing as an alternative option so that made me feel like she didn't want to go out with me. But she did end up just meeting me for drinks.

    I thought drinks went pretty well, I tried to keep it very casual because I didn't want to freak her out. She suggested we get dinner after so she did want to keep hanging out. I couldn't get a read on her though - I know I was super nervous and maybe she was too. I think we both felt a bit awkward at first. After dinner we bumped into some of her friends and so we stayed out for another hour with them. She seemed to be a bit more upbeat at the end of the night so maybe she had relaxed. She texted me to see if I got home okay and then said she had fun and thanks for being willing to hang out with her friends. I said we should hang out again and she said for sure.

    I couldn't really tell what her feelings were towards me, but I was also being very casual myself because I didn't want to come on too strong if she does indeed want to take it slow and feel things out. I texted her today just to say hi and ask how her day was. She responded and asked me about my day and then I responded but she didn't text anything after.

    Anyway I'm already stressing - I don't know what to do! I don't know how to walk the line between showing interest and taking it slow. I have no clue what sort of pace she would even want to go. I have a hard time making moves and I need the other person to help me out a bit. Should I ask her to do something again or wait for her to reach out?
     
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  2. MLL

    MLL Member

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    Seems like a great start so far, & I definitely agree that it can be quite tricky walking that fine line between showing interest and taking it slow.

    There's no harm in asking her to do something again, she seems to be quite at ease among others so maybe another sort of group activity followed by something you can do together? It seems like that has been working so far and normally the more we get to know someone & the more time we spend with them the more we start to relax.

    Try not to worry so much, and make sure you enjoy those moments you get with her :)
     
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  3. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Dude, ask her out again she likes you! Not everybody responds to every text, I know I sure don't. Just suggest going for drinks again, if she's more comfortable around friends maybe suggest a double date or something...
     
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  4. Cricket

    Cricket Well-Known Member

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    I recently had a "first date" with someone. I initially suggested it be a group thing. It wasn't because I wasn't interested. I was nervous and wanted to take off some of the heat and pressure of the situation. I'm pretty shy, am hard to read, and can see how someone could misinterpret this as lack of interest.

    In regards to delays between texts, don't read in to that. As long as she is responding to them and she is engaging in conversation instead of giving you two word answers, you are fine. I am particularly self conscious about texting back too quickly. Do you really want to date someone who has her phone in her hands 24/7? While she is driving? While she is working? Delays are normal. 8+hour delays are not normal, but 15 minutes to even 3+ hours is totally fair.
     
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    Last edited: Jan 26, 2015
  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm having a bit of a hard time responding, because I am not exactly sure what you mean when you say she is "a shy girl."

    To me, shy is about a person's level of introversion or extroversion. To me a shy person has a hard time talking to people they don't know well, doing social activities, expressing their emotions to people they don't know well and the like. The girl you describe does not seem particularly "shy" to me. It seems like she held her own in a social setting.

    I think what you are trying to describe is someone who wants to take dating slow. Both extroverts and introverts have reasons for not wanting to jump right into a relationship. Some people just like to move slow, emotionally and physically.
    If she is a go slow girl, that is OK (unless you need fast). You just need to adjust by taking a step back and slowing yourself down, too. You don't want to wind up always making the moves. So slow down and give her a little time to make moves back.

    In this case, I say text her. Tell her you had a great time and would like to see her again. But don't suggest a specific time / place / activity. That leaves it up to her to pick up the conversation. "oh, I yeah, get together, lets do drinks again..."

    It may take her awhile to respond, but that is OK. Then just go from there. Good luck.
     
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  6. keepinitreal

    keepinitreal Active Member

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    Hmmm - yeah you're right. Shy probably isn't the best word. From what I have heard she is more reserved and slow when it comes to relationships.

    My friend who had set us up said she was interested in the potential but she wanted to make sure about things before we crossed the line and kissed or whatever. Apparently that happened with her and a few other friends and she wants to avoid an awkward backpedal into friendship. At this point I worry that we are already overthinking this.

    Anyway, any tips on how to know when to advance things?
     
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  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    It is hard to tell, without knowing what her situation is, exactly. I mean, you described a girl who wants to go slow because in the past she kissed girls pretty quick, but wasn't that into them.

    So, in this case, I say wait until it is clear that she is into you.

    Step on is to get a second date. And if that is going well, go with the flirting, compliments and the like. If she seems into you, maybe go for the goodnight kiss. But don't push it for a big make out session or anything.
     
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  8. keepinitreal

    keepinitreal Active Member

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    So she initiated a group hangout with one other friend of ours. It was fun. Can't read her at all though. She seems very reserved. I feel outrageously awkward trying to display my feelings to someone who is sending ambiguous signals. She's not acting like she's into me....although I know some people can totally try to hide how they feel out of nervousness (I used to be like this although I'm much better about it these days). She seems to want to hang out with me though. I just don't know how to do this...I felt like there was a faint spark there on my end but it's going to be lost with lack of reciprocation from her end. I can already feel my heart protecting itself against being rejected by dousing that poor little spark that I had.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that's probably a little more dramatic that you need to be.

    She just wants to get to know you. Hang out with her a few times and don't worry if it's 'going somewhere.' Things will either naturally take off, or cool down.
     
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  10. keepinitreal

    keepinitreal Active Member

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    Well I think it's over. While I was out on the group hangout the girl in question (X) started making plans with our other friend right in front of me (It was just the three of us). I had asked X about it later in the evening by just casually mentioning "so what were you guys gonna do on Wed?" because I wasn't sure if I just wasn't invited or if they had assumed I heard and I was invited (they had made a huge deal about putting it in their phone calendars so it wasn't like they were hiding it). She asked if I wanted to come. I said yes. But didn't get any details. Never heard from either friend. Didn't know if it was still on or not, so I asked my friend if she wanted to hang out tonight. Said she couldn't because she was doing the thing with X.

    Can't even believe I am writing this as all are in late 20's. Over it. Such bad taste / poor manners. The weird thing is that my friend was the one who was trying to set me up with X. Over both of them at the moment.
     
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  11. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Well, guess she's not so shy after all.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So not cool, reaching around a friend to make plans with another. Sorry they were so insensitive to say the least.
     
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  13. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like you dodged a bullet to me. And it's so rude an awkward when people make plans right in front of you.

    It is annoying when you get to a certain age and people are still acting like its high school
     
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  14. MLL

    MLL Member

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    Sorry to hear that.

    As hard as it may be just try to do your best to brush this off and move on as you deserve to be treated better and to be with people that are more respectful.
     
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  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    If she's that kind of person, you're better off without her.
     
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