Dating a Muslim Woman?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by Dalo, Dec 8, 2013.

  1. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    So, I met this woman a few months ago. We hit it off instantly. I would flirt with her, she would flirt back.
    Ordinarily, I'm the type to directly go after a woman if I'm interested. But with her, I've been cautious. Now, talking to her from the start, I knew she was a devout Muslim because she wears hijab (the headscarf worn by Muslim women). She has also made it clear that her religion is important to her, but she's open minded and accepting of people. She has a boyfriend, mostly due to her family - as it seems they are "betrothed" in some way. Despite this, the chemistry between us is undeniable, and I want to go for it. I know some gay Muslims that would never act on their feelings despite knowing they're gay - for religious reasons. I don't know if this might be the case with her.

    So, here's my dilemma: how do I approach her in a way that shows that I'm very respectful of her religion, and I don't mean to be belittling or offensive? Because, there is always some chance that this is all in my head, and she doesn't feel the same way.
    Has any one ever dated a Muslim woman? What has your experience been? Are there any lesbian Muslims out there that could offer some advice?
     
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  2. melodyofalovesong

    melodyofalovesong Active Member

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    I really wish someone would answer this question because I am in the exact same boat! At this point, I have convinced myself that it is all in my head. It would just be really nice to hear someone else's perspective on the matter.
     
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  3. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    Hi melodyofalovesong, it's nice to know at least someone else is going through the same thing!haha I hope someone answers as well, I find that reply activity has dwindled since AE made layout changes.
     
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  4. melodyofalovesong

    melodyofalovesong Active Member

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    :cry: No one?
     
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  5. Dalo

    Dalo Well-Known Member

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    haha well, I'll just tell you how it went for me. I decided to leave her alone. Despite whatever attraction I felt, it was pretty clear that she could never really be "involved" with me. We most likely could have had a one time thing, or a secret thing - neither of which was what I wanted. For once, I wanted something simple, free and open - no hiding or games. She can't give me that. Funny enough, I'm now seeing another Muslim woman; she's not as devout though. Things are going great and are definitely more comfortable.

    My advice: stick with her if she's really worth it, depending on what you're looking for. Otherwise, remember that you deserve to be with someone that's not ashamed to show she cares about you.
     
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  6. humme

    humme Member

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    Sorry for the late response, i forgot the name of this website after a few years. Well i am muslim and it took a year of " Courting" before anything happened. This was how conflicted i was about listening to my heart and how damn persistant my partner was. We now just celebrated 8 years and 3 months being together. My family isnt accepting and they are in deep denial. They call her my roommate. Im not goig to force it on them, its the only thing we argue about, but end of the day we have each other. My advice is if she isnt offended then keep trying. She wants it. She needs to know she is safe.
     
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  7. melodyofalovesong

    melodyofalovesong Active Member

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    Update: So i'm back in trouble. I have spent a few days with her and I am pretty sure that I am falling in love. :shock: I get butterflies, she makes me feel like a kid again and we debate about trivial things just to amuse each other. She says these things to me that make me think that she is down to be more than friends; or that she at least thinks about it. Then she does other things, when we're not together, that make me think that she is definitely straight (or whatever). :x :x I don't know if she's flirting or just being her nice, funny self. I want to spend as much time, as she would allow, getting to know her. I literally want to learn who she is. I really do have it bad and I don't know what to do. I'm at the point where I constantly check my phone even though I know she hasn't texted or called. I have never loved and hated being around someone so much in my life. :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

    I haven't been this confused since right before I stopped being in denial about being gay.
     
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  8. Tartouffe

    Tartouffe Member

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    This may not be the advice that that you want to be receiving, but:

    Just come right out with your feelings and ask her how she feels about you. Yes, you're risking an awkward/painful response. No, it will not be more awkward/painful than unexpressed, unrequited feelings that drive you to the fringes of your sanity.

    Evaluate for yourself whether you can be friends with someone that you have romantic feelings for. Evaluate whether you have the ability to set the boundaries that this will require of you, and whether you have the ability to stand up for yourself in order to maintain those boundaries. This way, if you don't get the response that you want you'll be equipped to handle said response.

    If, for whatever reason, she reacts to you in a hurtful/insensitive manner, then just accept that it's a "no", be confident in who you are, and be kind. There's no use getting into an argument with her about it or trying to change her mind--we all know that that will be futile. And keep in mind that sometimes people react badly, and then later down the line (sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes even months or years) they realise that reacting so badly was an error in judgement and they seek out your forgiveness and a fresh start to your relationship. (Don't bank on it. Just keep in mind that it happens.)

    Side note: I'm southern African and have pretty close ties with my cultural community. I has happened (and continues to happen) where I've told people that I'm gay (and/or attracted to them) and they've had super-homophobic reactions, only to realise later that maybe they just need to get to know other gay people, because actually I'm pretty friendly and smart and open, and A) surely I can't be the only one and B) maybe some of the other friendly, smart, open people that they know are gay and just feel unsafe saying so. (There's nothing like that knowledge that you're directly responsible for the pain and suffering of someone you care about to suddenly get your conscience to kick in and change your mind about things... Jussayin'.) - Also, with regard to dating, I've only ever dated people who are as (or more) deeply rooted in their respective ethnic cultures (and religions--which can sometimes be heavily intertwined with cultures) as I am; and that's mainly because I really find it exhausting to explain things and I need for my partner to have an intimate understanding of my relationships with tradition and ritual, and with the with the western world (because I'm a first-generation westerner, and am consequently a member of a larger, and marginalised diaspora). -- Don't let my personal needs deter you though--most people are way more patient than I am and/or they love talking about their cultures and religions ;-)

    If you do get the response that you want, invite her to have a discussion about the degree to which she feels a sense of responsibility to uphold cultural-/religious prescriptions as dictated by her family (and her cultural and religious communities, if she's got close ties to them). Evaluate for yourself whether this jibes with A) who you are and B) what you want in a relationship with her.

    And as melodyofalovesong wrote before me, if you're both willing to negotiate and navigate these things, then be patient. And to add to that, accept that there may be things about her life and experience that you won't understand and may even never understand (and things about your life and experience that she won't understand). There's nothing wrong with that. The main thing is to not be disrespectful by treating her as though her experience is invalid simply because you don't understand it. You can be supportive by listening to her when she needs to talk something out.

    If you are curious and have questions about the ways in which she, personally, interprets and practices Islam, just ask her and don't worry about offending her. Even if you do offend her, that's simply an opportunity for dialogue--especially about why what you asked/the way you asked it is offensive.

    Respect is not about refraining from causing offense. Respect is about recognising that the other person is your peer and that she has the same capacities that you have to handle being engaged, challenged, and asked to think critically.

    The only thing that is truly disrespectful is treating her religion and religiosity as though they are something to be feared, or as though they are some kind of oppressive ailment that she needs to be cured of. Familiarise yourself with Islam (just don't treat her like she's an Islam Encyclopedia). Do your own research: Get to know the religion's source texts and familiarise yourself with the different schools of thought that exist within the religion (as with any other religion, there are a wide variety of backward-/conservative-/moderate-/reformist interpretations). As with anyone, getting to know a person is getting to know how that person experiences and perceives the world.

    SO, having said all of that, I do hope that at least some of what I've written is helpful to you (and/or not too late, since you posted about a month ago). Also: Good luck! (And feel free to report back ;-) )
     
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  9. cmite

    cmite Member

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    As a gold star Muslim lesbian, I can offer common outcomes to you two most obvious choices here.

    Scenario 1: You keep flirting and see where it goes
    In the short term this may play out really well for you. You may even end up having a physical relationship. But from my experiences as soon as you say the L word she will go in deep deep denial and break your heart. Or she could be secure in being who she is whether gay or straight and would be willing to have a proper conversation about it.

    Scenario 2: You tell her how you feel
    This might spook her if she is straight or unwilling to come out of the closet yet. But if she is cognizant of the chemistry you seem to share she would reciprocate your feelings and this scenario would turn out better in the long run and more importantly, it will save you from getting your heart smashed after falling even more in love with time.

    To save you from future pain and suffering (the kind I have suffered in the past) I would suggest laying it all out for her. Better to know now than later when you are even more in love with her.
     
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  10. lilpinkmonster

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    Hey, speaking from being one.. well used to be a muslim.. wasn't a devoted one either lol but being a muslim does not mean that she can't be a lesbian. if she's open minded and accepting. you could easily say that you totally respect her devotion and you don't mean to disrespect her in anyway but you have feelings for her and you just feel like she should know, that doesn't mean she should pursue it or that she's being forced into it because if she doest feel the same way its totally fine and its not going to change anything between the two of you.
     
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  11. melodyofalovesong

    melodyofalovesong Active Member

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    After months of contemplating whether or not I was going to tell her and making sure I knew why I wanted to tell her, I told her. It was an awful mess. I blabbed on and on about irrelevant things until she finally got impatient enough to say she was about to leave. That's when it fell out of my mouth like ice cream rolling off a cone and hitting the floor. She appeared to be shocked -- even though my best friends said they think she knew what was coming all along -- and in the end, she took it pretty well. There was no sign of a mutual feeling, but I am glad that she was cool about it and that I actually made myself do it. In the end, I hope that we can still be friends and that the situation makes me stronger and more confident.

    I really do appreciate all you guys posting your advice. I checked this forum every week since I first posted my response. it all really helped me out a lot!!!
     
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  12. mel12

    mel12 New Member

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    I am so glad this post exists!

    I have been talking to this wonderful Muslim woman for the past 6 months. Our conversations have recently started down the line of where we want to see things go. I've made it clear to her that respecting her faith is important to me and I want to be a safe space for her.

    Right now sometimes our conversations bring up questions about our relationship in relation to her faith we both don't have answers too.

    We both agreed we'll work through them, but it's good to know there are others like us out there.
     
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  13. Shakira Laura

    Shakira Laura Member

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    bookmark this page
    [​IMG]
     
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