Crazy Hippie Girl From Work

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Jenna, Jun 15, 2016.

  1. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Ok so here goes...

    I'm having a hard time with a crush on this girl from work I met a few weeks ago. She is new and I'm moving in two weeks so at this point it would probably just be a hookup if anything happened.. I really like her personality and I know she likes chicks and she's just this hippie type who doesn't take sex seriously and loves everyone. She is incredibly sweet and optimistic and friendly and has this beautiful soul that she isn't afraid to show people. She is like a little kid in her love for life. But then again she is a lot younger than me and apparently has a lot of baggage and is very immature and impractical in many ways.

    I really thought she was cool after working with her for a few days. We immediately clicked and opened up to one another and I loved how she doesn't judge anyone. Well only after working with her twice she made some joke about putting a temp tattoo on her ass. That night she found my phone number on our work board and started texting me funny things. I asked her how the tat went and she sent me this picture of her ass with her pants down so i could see the tat. At that point I started thinking of her different because I was pretty turned on and I also thought she had taken the pic for me.

    I started having fantasies about her pretty quickly and then I got all caught up trying to make plans with her and text her, but be casual about it. I realized when we talked about the pic that she had sent it to several other friends and she's just kind of brave and crazy like that. But I still can't stop my attraction and sexual feelings at this point.

    After a couple of our talks I don't get the sense that she is interested in me and think she just likes attention. She does make comments that give me hope like when I was talking about how I don't feel comfortable in a bathing suit she said "I don't know why because you have a beautiful body." but she says things like that to everyone.

    So we went to the beach today and She started opening up about some bad things in her past and I felt really guilty because I just kept thinking about what she looked like without her suit on. I feel really bad because I keep hanging out with her and it's more because I want to hook up with her and less because i want to be her friend. But I also really like her...I just think I have ulterior motives and actually this happens quite often with female friends (I've been single for a long time).

    I guess there is a small chance that she feels the same attraction but I also feel kind of pathetic because I don't think she spends the time and energy wanting me and thinking of me that I do about her. I also want to be stronger and care more about her and this friendship than something fleeting and empty like lust, but i'm having the hardest time and I just don't want to hurt her or mess this up because we really do have a unique and intense connection and I sense that she really needs that and someone to TRULY love her and not use her.

    I know this isn't the typical Does She Like Me so I apologize if this is the wrong thread for this.
    Thanks for reading!
     
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    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016
  2. Susanah

    Susanah Member

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    Okay. First off, don't feel guilty. You can't really do all that much about your feelings.
    Now, you can start by being there for her, and then hint at your attractions? I'm really not the best at wooing a lady or anything, but that's what I would try to do.
     
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  3. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Okay so this might not be what you want to hear but I'll give you my opinion nonetheless. She's a coworker. I don't know how much younger she is, but those two facts combined already tells me you shouldn't do it. I get you're leaving in two weeks so for you it might not matter as much, but she's probably at the very start of her career, you're an older colleague she might even be looking up to or seeing as a type of mentor figure. That to me makes it sound like there might be a sort of power imbalance in place (correct me if I'm wrong), which is unfortunate especially because it's in combination with the professional area of her life which she's just embarking on.

    And secondly, you do mention a lot of things about her you like/find endearing or attractive, but on the other hand it does seem like you don't fully take the time to get to know her and that you view her more in terms of a quick one to release some pent up frustration. I mean, you call her 'impractical'.(I won't mention the 'immature', because okay she might be but then shouldn't that stop you if it's such a dealbreaker?). Sounds like you don't really respect her in my opinion, which for me is a huge thing in terms of wanting to go anywhere with someone else. I apologize if this comes off as blunt or rude, not my intention at all, but my personal advice would be to leave it. She hasn't even hinted at wanting anything or seeing you any differently than any of your other colleagues.
     
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  4. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Wow Gyldenragg...this is pretty spot on. I'm impressed. It's probably less of a power imbalance though because it's an entry level type job, but it is in a field that she wants to get a career in and she's actually there on an internship.

    many of your points hit home, especially not respecting her. I often find myself willing to compromise and make ridiculous decisions (my last two hook ups/relationships were with coworkers) out of lonliness and sexual frustration. I don't think this is any different.

    Sadly I am battling viewing her in a sexual way only, instead of as a friend I can be there for. I do want to get to know her, but I guess at this point it's better for me to back off, even from the friendship, because of my murky intentions.
     
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  5. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    Hmm, although it might just be an entry level position, I still think there's automatically a bit of a power imbalance if she's just started as an intern in the company. I myself have gone through those exact steps of internship and then progressing to the junior positions in a big company. I know exactly the slight shifts in dynamics and the way people automatically look up to you if they come in as interns and work with you - even if or maybe partly because you're practically their own age (which isn't even the case for you).

    I'm glad my post helped pointing out some things to you. I think at the end of the day, it also goes back to what kind of decisions you want to make in life - and how they might make you feel in the longer run. Instant gratification vs longer term integrity kind of thing, when you consider the bigger picture of going somewhere with people 'just because' and having a level of respect for the person before doing anything.

    Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with hookups. But in a combination with work, especially if the coworker is so young and fresh, I would thread carefully. Maybe easier said than done since I don't know much about where you live, but try branching out and seeing people from outside work? Even if that only turns out to be short flings as well, it's probably better to do with people outside of the work environment than in it. Best of luck! :)
     
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  6. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Thanks for this good advice! I kind of have bad luck with the online dating pool but I haven't given up Haha
     
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  7. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Jenna -
    Gyldenragg has made some excellent points and I am glad that you are open to her honest and helpful feedback! It sounds like you mostly already knew this about the situation, but were feeling very conflicted about your feelings for this younger, very free-spirited co-worker. Remember that you do not need to feel guilty about feelings, we don't really have control over these. They just happen! BUT behaviors...those we need to take 100% responsibilty for... we do have absolute control over actions! The more self-aware we are about what we are feeling (rather than denying, justifying, repressing feelings/emotions), the wiser and more informed we can be about our choices.

    From your posts, it sounds like you know that other past hook-ups with co-workers (behavior) did not go well because they were prompted by your loneliness and sexual frustration (feelings). Knowing this helps to inform your next choice of behavior, because you know that your feelings of loneliness/frustration influence the clarity of your judgment.

    For the young intern's sake, it is probably good to keep the contact at a friendly and professional level, even if she seems more free spirited and you find her attractive.

    For your own sake, you may want to explore how you can address your loneliness and dating/sex life, outside of the work environment. You probably don't want to be the one who seeks multiple hook-ups at work? Try to develop your social life and friend circle outside of your work life, if you are able. Hook-ups are fine as long as they are a mutual decision by two people on an equal playing field. Try finding out what lesbians in your area are up to, even in the smallest communities we are always trying to find each other and make friends, develop social circles, and be active and fun. Friendships can lead to relationships or friends can introduce you to some new and interesting people.

    Also, I agree with you that you shouldn't give up on the online dating thing. While I've been in a long-term relationship since the olden days before the internet :confused:, I certainly speak with a lot of people who are in the big pool of online dating. You may not have instant success, but it sure seems easier these days to "meet" lots of people at home on your laptop in your pajamas, than it did back when you had to hang out for hours in bookstores, coffee shops, or dark bars in the bad part of town!
    Best wishes and keep us posted! :)
     
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  8. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Ok so for anyone who cares to still read this I have an update and I apologize for the length.

    I decided to take the advice of others and not mix business with pleasure, as I have so many times before. I attempted to keep my feelings quiet about my workmate (let's call her C to avoid confusion) and keep things light. The weekend before my big move to my new town, I went out to a gay club with another friend, who is "straight", but talks about her interest in kissing girls. Our hangout at the club was very awkward, which I thought was mostly because I was picking up vibes that she was into me. Mostly it was disappointing because I was shy and didn't dance with any gay women or even make a move on my friend, who was giving me some pretty clear signals.

    After going out I texted C to tell her about my failed attempt at picking up girls. We ended up having a deep convo about life and relationships. We basically talked about our fears, weaknesses, and insecurities, me more than her. After that convo I felt very vulnerable and didn't text C for a while. I finally worked with her again and we kind of argued a lot and seemed to annoy one another. Still, C wanted to hang out after work and I couldn't say no. I was kind of shocked because I thought she was irritated with me.

    We ended up hanging out all night long into the early morning hours. We got dinner, then went to my house and talked, played basketball, and danced until 2am. Out talk was incredibly deep and we shared secrets with each other. It felt incredibly intimate and special to me. At some point we started flirting with each other and things were getting a little heated. We started talking about sex and porn and I was getting super turned on. I felt this intense chemistry with C, but I just didn't feel like I was anything more than a friend to her and I kept reminding myself of all the problems that would happen if I made a move on her.

    At this point I only had two days left before my move so I was pretty sure this was the end of things. I saw C on my last day at work and we just chatted and were playful with each other a little and that was that. When I got home I was feeling like a nervous wreck about moving and was very wired up and couldn't sleep. I also couldn't stop thinking about C and our night together. Then C started texting and asked what I was thinking about and I said "you". I knew I had kind of put myself out there at that point. So C said "i'm flattered and very curious to know what you're thinking about me". I basically complimented her excessively and talked about how much I would miss her. Then C asked if I wanted to "cuddle" since it would probably be our last chance to hang out.

    My heart was racing at that point because I was now pretty sure C liked me too. So C came over and it turned out she had been drinking quite a bit and was kind of a mess. That should have been another red flag... We awkwardly cuddled at first and kind of joked with each other and I thought for sure I had made a huge mistake in telling her I wanted her to come over. Then I just started thinking "Well fuck it" and I turned over to face C and just started kissing her. She kissed me back and things moved very fast. I stopped to tell C about all my reservations about crossing this line with her and stressed that I did not want to take advantage of her in any way. She also was drunk and I was sober... C basically told me to shut up and I felt very out of control at this point and we had sex.

    I can't deny that the sex was pretty incredible because we have a lot of chemistry. C also was the first girl I have slept with in two years. Afterward we cuddled for a while and she had sobered up at this point. I told C about the crush I had on her for so long. She told me she had been jealous when I talked about other girls around her. C was very sweet and gentle and basically just stroking my hair and telling me how perfect and beautiful I was. When this level of intimacy happens I can't seem to control myself and always feel giddy and clingy, especially because it has been so long and I have this insane chemistry with this chick...

    So I walked around in a happy haze the next day, but avoided texting C because I didn't want to come on too strong. It was my last day in town and I really wanted to see her again the night before I left, but I didn't want to push things.

    So C finally texted me really late at night and asked if i wanted to go watch the sunrise with her on my last morning in town. I said yes probably way too quickly. Then about an hour later C texted again and said she was really drunk. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I do not drink and used to have a problem with drugs and C knows I have a problem with her drinking. She seems to have her own issue with drinking too much and I sometimes feel like I judge her for it because I have to be careful of myself. So C and I had this weird convo about her drinking and how she has a problem and then she ended up falling asleep and I got very upset at myself for liking her in spite of all the red flags and also felt disappointed because I knew she was fucked up and wouldn't make it to the sunrise with me and I would probably never se her again.

    In the morning I sent C a very sweet, touching goodbye text and got all my boxes packed up to move. I decided it was over and that was for the best. So I was waiting on my mom to bring the moving van to my house and C texts me. She says please let me come over and make you breakfast. So I waited like 30 minutes trying to avoid texting her back and I finally said ok. C came over and I was pretty mad at her and she kept trying to make me laugh. It was pretty obvious that I was pissed at her and I was basically being a bitch and telling her I had already said my goodbyes and she was messing things up. She still kept being so sweet to me and acting silly and finally I started lightening up and my anger dissipated.

    So we made plans to go by the store while we were waiting on my mom and right before we left My heart started beating again and I had this overwhelming urge to kiss her and i just kind of grabbed her and threw her on the couch. I knew at this point that I was in way over my head and my feelings were a lot stronger than i realized. So we basically spent my last two hours in town holding each other and kissing and having sex. I told her it probably would not have worked out if I had not moved because I want a relationship and she doesn't and I can be very jealous and controlling. She just kind of laughed about that and said her BFF is controlling too. I started feeling very sad about leaving her and she kept saying how much she would miss me and how she would come visit me. So she finally left before my mom got there...

    Well fast forward to last night and i finally got to my new town and I texted C. Toward the beginning of the convo I said "i already miss you" to C and she didn't respond and talked about something else. We texted for about an hour about silly things and things we care about. She also talked about visiting me. I said I was thinking about her laugh and smile and she said she thought I was just trying to be nice. I assured her I couldnt stop thinking about her and was actually holding back, to which she did not reply.

    So at the end of the convo she said something sweet and I said "I wish I could kiss you right now". C didn't respond for a while so I asked her if it was ok for me to say things like I miss her and want to kiss her and she replied that I should say whatever I feel. It was pretty clear to me that C did not feel the same things or she also would have said them. So I just texted her " i think i should go to bed" and she said ok good night beautiful. Today I got all moved into my new place and I got so excited this afternoon when I saw a text from C that was like "i just woke up and about to go into work". She then followed it up with "this text was actually meant for my friend K" and didn't say anything else. I felt crushed and didn't respond and I still haven't. I feel like she is blowing me off...

    I realize there are countless problems with my relationship/lack there of with C, but I feel like I have already caught feelings and at this point can not turn back without trying to have something with C. I feel pretty hurt and rejected because I feel like C doesn't have the same feelings as me. I am afraid this thing with her is going to fade away quickly. A huge part of me wants to have hope though because there's a chance she has been hurt so much and she is afraid to let herself get happy and open herself up to me (she shared a lot of painful past memories about relationships with me). For anything to work out she would have to deal with her drinking problem and decide she can deal with a relationship and actually be interested in dating me for that matter. So many what ifs.. And of course there's the issue of us being four hours apart now. I am just super upset at this point and feel a little heartbroken.

    I know many of you might think I told you so. Yet, when it comes to sex/love I seem to have the worse judgment ever and to throw logic out the window. I know there are way too many details in this update and I have not followed the past posters wonderful advice so sorry if i frustrate ya'll. Thanks for reading if anyone actually got this far. If anything it may have just been a cathartic journal entry for me.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 1, 2016
  9. Plane Jane

    Plane Jane Active Member

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    I think she likes you as person, but doesn't want a relationship with you. If she did, she would say so, or say more. Even if she's been hurt in the past, she doesn't sound like the type who has a problem saying what she feels. She had the perfect opportunity when you asked if you should say things like you miss her/want to kiss her and she said you should say what you feel, but then she didn't say anything about having feelings for you--that's a pretty glaring omission (which you yourself realized--listen to your instincts!).

    Maybe with you leaving, she saw an opportunity for a nice little uncomplicated hookup, then you'd leave--easy, done. Or maybe it was just the alcohol. (I don't mean that as harshly as it sounds--again, I do think she likes you as a person, but people have come on to me under the influence of alcohol who wouldn't do so sober.)

    Ironically, after all this time you've worried about trying not to see her only in a sexual way, you've caught feelings and it seems to me like she has done to you what you were trying not to do to her. Just because she's younger and has had hurtful relationships doesn't mean she wouldn't use (in the nicest possible sense) someone attractive for a hookup out of lust or sexual frustration, as you have sometimes done.

    If it had the potential to really be a relationship, I don't think there would be so many 'what ifs.' It would be easier, would come together more easily. You wouldn't be so unsure of her. And then the drinking problem, whether she can even handle a relationship--you already know those are awfully big obstacles, and that's if she wanted to date you. (Again, not so much saying she doesn't like you, but it sounds like she is not in a place where a relationship is a possibility for her.)

    Is there any chance some of your feelings for her are magnified by the fact that you moved? It can be daunting, if not outright scary, to go through a big change like moving and having to make new friends and everything. Maybe you are clinging to her a little bit emotionally because she's familiar? I know catching feelings for someone can sneak up on you and surprise you, but all along you were more trying not to see her just as a potential hookup than being interested in her as a friend:
    I'm sorry you're feeling heartbroken! I feel for you there, but I think you should do yourself a favor and move on with your new life in the new place and not keep hoping for more from C.



    You're certainly not alone in that!
     
    #9
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  10. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    I don't think there's anything wrong with your judgement really. You 'saw' the situation for what it was in your previous posts quite well.
    Your past expectation was that if anything would happen it would be a short fling, a casual hookup before you left for your new life in a new city. And you seemed okay with that prospect. Now that things happened, it gets more complicated because suddenly you have lived the experience (not just imagined it).

    It can be hard to go from being so connected with someone even for a few fleeting days to suddenly not having anything, especially if you've been single for a while and you miss having that connection with someone. And I think that's largely what this is about. Is it really this one, particular girl? Or is it the fact that she's the one you've happened to have a deeper connection with lately and now that you've had it again, it's hard to let go?

    Again, although you guys certainly have a connection for both of you to open up to the extent that you have and to have sex, I still don't get any hints from her (from what you've shared) that she wants a relationship from it necessarily. But this is also where you need to be honest with yourself. In your earlier posts you weren't talking about relationships, so what is it that you want now?
     
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  11. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Thanks for the feedback guys! It is very much appreciated. Y'all are so astute. I agree that C does not seem to want a relationship. That was not my intention to begin with as well, but now that these intimate feelings are present I don't want to slow down.

    I strongly agree with the posters who mentioned there are too many what-ifs for this to be a good thing and also the idea that I am clinging to C to assuage the fear and stress of my move. C is not relationship material and I don't want to accept that.

    Also, I am missing the rush i felt around C after we had that connection, as one of you mentioned. It's more about those good feelings than it is C. I'll just keep telling myself these things and hope they sink in.

    I have also been getting mixed messages from C. Yesterday morning she texted and said I was on her mind. She said she was planning what she was going to do when she saw me/fantasizing. When I asked her to tell me what she was imagining she said she was too shy to say. I was busy the rest of the day but i kept thinking about what she had said and getting turned on trying to figure out what she had been fantasizing about.

    Later last night I told her the messages from the morning had turned me on and she said she had only been thinking of seeing me and I had read too much into things. That felt confusing and disappointing to me. Then I told her the fantasies I had about her to sort of get things going and asked her to send me a pic.

    She sent me a dirty pic but she still didn't seem in the mood so I let it go. Then she said she might come visit the area this week (her family/friends live close to my new town because she grew up near here). She asked if I wanted her to visit me and I said of course. She said she thought I might not want to see her and I was shocked because I think I have been super clear on how much I like her.

    She then started saying I make her nervous because she's afraid to say the wrong thing and make me dislike her or make me mad. I told her if anything I like her too much and the only reason I may have reservations is I was actually worried about getting too attached.

    Well of course she didn't say anything to that, which frustrated me. I finally texted her a couple hours later and after some chitchat she was telling me about her thoughts and saying she wished I was there and we could cuddle. Then today I didn't hear from her at all.

    Like all y'all have said this just doesn't seem to be working... So tonight I texted her because she didn't text me all day and after a brief chat she said she had to go and when I said I had been thinking of her and hoped she would be able to visit she didn't respond.

    Really I just feel so angry right now and want to ignore her. I hate when I get like this. I feel like it's humiliating and pathetic. I want to be able to walk away from this thing, but I'm definitely clinging to the rush I get when she gives me attention.

    My plans are to keep myself busy this week with all the moving stuff, but if she comes to town I know I won't be able to stay away from her.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 3, 2016
  12. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You used to have a drug problem. You are pursuing a girl- hard- who drinks to much and treats you like crap.

    Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you risking your hard won sobriety for a girl who doesn't even respect you?

    Why are you willing to throw this much away when the majority of your interactions with her leave you feeling empty, angry, insecure, uncertain, etc...?

    Seriously, exercise some damned self control and quit chasing the tiny little 'rush' you get from this girl. Take some responsibility and quit being like 'I am so powerless around girls,' or whatever. You have the power to resist getting involved with a girl with a drinking problem.

    Get help. However you quit drugs - NA, AA, therapy, cold turkey, help from family- whatever- turn to that here. Use the same approach you used to quit chasing the rush of drugs to quit chasing the rush of sex with a drinker. Be honest about whatever unhealthy motivations you have. Don't make excuses for your demons- face them head on.

    This whole situation is seriously screwed up. Get yourself out of it before you really hurt yourself.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    What you really want, drugs, drinks and hookups won't fill. At least, none of that stuff will work for long and will only leave you hungrier and more empty.
     
    #13
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  14. Jenna

    Jenna Member

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    Thanks for trying to help y'all. In my experience there are multiple facets to my addiction and when I resolve one, another pops up. Sex/relationships appear to be the next challenge for me. I use AA for my drug addiction so I am going to seek help through that program. I want to believe this issue is not as serious as you're making it sound Bluenote, but unfortunately it could potentially be a threat to my sobriety, as you indicated. Thanks again!
     
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  15. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Jenna - I do believe it is wise advice to consider addressing the issue of sex/relationships through your AA steps, as "addictive" behaviors and patterns can continue to pop up in other areas of life even when one is sober...you already know this. Since you say the AA program has served you well in many previous challenges, it sounds like a good idea to start there, talk with your sponsor. Especially considering that you consciously chose to pursue someone who you see as having problems with drugs/alcohol. Some times, individual therapy may be a good idea, too, especially if the details of what is going on with you feel like they need more 1:1 attention and problem-solving with a skilled therapist who is sensitive/comfortable with lgbtq clientele, as well as issues of addiction.

    It is interesting to me that the first response I made to you in this post was addressing your concern that you were going to hurt a young, vulnerable intern, and Now, I am responding to you on the same thread regarding Your hurt by that same co-worker/intern. Same formula though: one person likes the other person more than she likes her back + feelings override good judgment and sensible behavior choices = one person is left feeling angry, confused, hurt.

    I would suggest that you are using the wrong formula for love & relationships, even of the casual kind. No matter where you are plugging yourself into this equation...the result is someone is set up as the powerful one and the other person is set up to feel "victimized" (not saying either is a victim, but that one "feels" like a "victim". big difference) That is Not romance and does not feel good, sexy, or satisfying.

    I'm saying this as much for you as for anyone that might be following this thread. Beware of that Oxytocin! - it is an incredibly powerful drug! And when we create it in ourselves through hugging, kissing, touching, thinking, looking, talking, sexting, and most powerfully through sex acts with another (...the skin, sounds, smells, tastes, and Orgasms!!!), that is one hormone that is super difficult to reason with! There is just no convincing an individual who is "high" on oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that she is NOT in love. She is quite simply high on her own brain chemistry! And that messes with your judgment, for sure!

    Now, I am pro-sex, trust me! I love it! Sex is my Favorite Drug!!!...because with the right person who loves you back and will not hurt you, it is the cheapest, most satisfying, finest high there is with the least complications and consequences! It is by far the Most Fun and has no hangover or bad side-effects! (with the right person, that is! key component here!)

    But!!!! with the Wrong Person!?! - UGH! the cost is Unbelievable at times - You name it, it has happened!- it has cost so many people: self-respect, sleep, heartache, jobs, careers, family, status, money, dignity, friends, health, stress, stability....and on and on and on....

    It is hard to understand that our own brain chemistry can put us in such dreadful positions that we can't seem to think clearly or make reasonable, rationale choices for our behavior. It was interesting to me that in your posts you were basically spelling out the struggle between knowing the behavior you "should" choose but deferring to the behavior you absolutely knew was not good for you, but that you were driven to by emotion/feeling....almost like it was your destiny to choose poorly and suffer somehow.
    That is a battle that is age-old, of course, but as humans, I do believe we are not doomed to be ruled strictly by our feelings and impulses. We do have the ability to be reasonable and to make decisions that are good for us, that will not harm us or others, but that will ALSO be satisfying emotionally, mentally, and sexually.

    You have to figure out that you want to be that kind of person. Someone who can feel and still make choices that are good for you. Someone who can want, need, and desire, but not be doomed to self-destructive behaviors. There isn't a quick and easy answer...it's a journey and it takes commitment to yourself to not treat yourself (or others) badly no matter what you are feeling. It means having enough discipline to listen to your "gut" when your mind and heart are in total disagreement. Your "gut"...the most soft-spoken vote... is almost always right. It deserves acknowledgement and is a wonderful, quiet, tie-breaker when your mind and heart are screaming their opposing thoughts, fears, and wants for you.

    Of course, my "advice" to you is let this girl go (it is what it is, don't over-fantasize it), start over in your new town, with your new job, and focus on what is good and healthy for you....but you already know all of that, right?

    Best wishes to you, if you choose to explore this journey with yourself and break your old patterns in order to allow yourself real intimacy with someone who is good to you and for you. It can be scary and frustrating, but is well worth it! And if you have already battled addiction, then you have survived, and maybe you are alive and well and ready for another level of human self-exploration and challenge!

    ....and give us the update! ;)
     
    #15
    Bluenote, rac, Spygirl and 2 others like this.
  16. Jenna

    Jenna Member

    Joined:
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    @rainydaze
    What are you?! Some sort of wizard? Your feedback was lovely and very much needed! Thank you

    To be honest I did not follow my gut and even after my last post i stayed involved with C. I had the right idea though. I called C and confessed my feelings, which was super hard for me. I told her it was obvious she didn't feel the same way so I didn't want to see her again: i was confronting things basically and expecting things to end. I was almost relieved to end the obsession, though I was very depressed.

    To my surprise, Actually C said she felt the same way and couldn't stop thinking about me. Apparently my perception was wrong all along and C had feelings for me and had actually been fantasizing about being my girlfriend but was afraid to be honest, which is why I felt like she blew me off about the whole fantasy thing. So I was pretty giddy in spite of all the logical red flags you all have highlighted.

    She came over that night since she was already in town. We spent two days in bed together. We didn't leave the house and that oxytocin was definitely at work, as was mentioned. So after she left I was incredibly depressed and sensed I had been in some sort of altered reality...which makes sense with the chemical thing.

    So since then we have stayed in touch through text and of course there have been many problems. I can't ignore them and I told C that yesterday. She said she would come visit me again next week and was talking about Sending me care packages and Visiting me this Fall So I told her all the doubts I have been having.

    C kept telling me to take a chance on her and getting upset when I confronted her issues with drinking and the bad crowd she hangs with. We ended the convo on a positive note, but overall it didn't go well in my opinion.

    I have talked about this to my sponsor, my mom, a new AA friend and my old counselor and their feedback is all the same as yours: it's not healthy. So yes rainydaze: exactly what I already knew.

    Your reply was encouraging and inspiring. It came at a good time. I have to make a decision before Tuesday, when C says she might visit. I got some much needed strength from your positive words. I can feel myself moving toward taking the right step. Sometimes I don't move as quickly as I should, but I'm trying to be compassionate with myself.

    Thanks again for reaching out. I will keep y'all updated.
     
    #16
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2016
    rainydaze likes this.
  17. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    @Jenna - Yes, I am a wizard...online, part-time only. Lol! ;)

    But, seriously, glad to hear you are accessing your support people and making some steps toward taking better care of yourself. Don't worry about your speed in doing so...remember it's your life's journey, not a race. Bravo to you!
     
    #17
    Jenna likes this.

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