confusion - it's killing me

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by anonymous_, May 30, 2015.

  1. anonymous_

    anonymous_ Member

    May 30, 2015
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    Hey guys,

    So I've just turned 21 and have been with my boyfriend foe nearly two years. This past month I feel like I've drifted apart massively from him; to the point I don't want to stay in the same bed and I avoid physical contact.

    I have had general curiosity for the same gender and once had a drunken experience which I didn't particularly enjoy :S I've just started a new job a few weeks ago and I think I'm possibly experiencing a huge crush on a girl at work. She's perfect, funny and around 36 which I just want to take care of her and I often wonder why she hasn't been snapped up?! Do you guys think this is a crush?

    I moved back home last week for some space away from my boyfriend but it's just all so confusing. Any comments on this horrible matter would be much appreciated.
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I don't mean to sound condescending...but at 21 when people told me that I was too young to settle down or that I didn't know much of anything, I thought those people were wrong. I thought I knew everything and did the eye roll when someone tried to tell me these things. In retrospect, however, that advice was sound. Looking back, I had no clue who I was at 21...or even 25 or 28...I really didn't come into my own until I was about 30 years old.

    The point being, you're 21 and you have a whole life ahead of you. If you're having feelings for anyone other than your boyfriend -- guy or girl, then he's probably not the right one for you. If you don't want to be near him and are avoiding physical contact, then he's definitely not the right one for you. That being said, if you're having feelings for girls, maybe you should explore those feelings. Take the time to find out who you are because until you know who or what you want out of life, then you won't be able to be good to anyone in any kind of relationship. I would stay away from work crushes though.

    This isn't as horrible as you think - you're just beginning to come into your own sense of self-identity. There's no guidebook or plans to point us in the right direction. Just do the best you can. And, for what it's worth, it was at 21 when I finally acknowledged that I'd been crushing on girls as well (I can pinpoint back in life..but never was willing to acknowledge it).
    Bluenote and anonymous_ like this.
  3. Avatar Korra

    Avatar Korra Member

    Mar 12, 2015
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    I'm 21 years old like you (but a wilder type) and sometimes I have this feeling too, wanting to take care of someone and that's probably because it is supposed to make us feel more mature, i think.
    it is kinda early to feel this way in my opinion, but is better to not listen to this feeling because it means to give up on a big part of your freedom. You need all the time in the world to fuck things up without enduring lots of consequences, without someone trying to stop you or tone down your wildness because you're hurting him or her, you don't need to spend time on those unnecessary responsibilities that won't teach you much and then you won't have time for better lessons, because a relationship at this age when you're still fresh out of the oven, won't take you on a long ride like in a mad max: furious road style; you can invest your time in funny/stupid stuff to experiment and learn, it is no fun to drag your other significant into a storm of confusions and you can easily fly from flower to flower whenever you want without being chained to promises and then regrets.
    to take care of someone it takes great responsibility and i'm pretty sure if that woman is smart, she must be an independent woman who got that tough attitude like "i don't need no one's help, i can take care of myself"
    have fun guurlll
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I guess it depends on what you want.

    You say you have a bf of two years and that you want some space from him. But you don't say much else - do you still have feelings for him? Are you unsure? Do you want a break?

    I think if you aren't attracted to him and don't love him, you're probably better off breaking up. In the long run, it's not good for either of you to stay in a loveless / sparkless relationship.

    If you think that you might be interested in women, then explore that. It's ok to be 'questioning.' It's ok to be 'bi curious' or not sure how to label yourself.

    Like Spygirl, I don't mean to be condescending when I say 'at 21, blah, blah...' But- I think it's pretty normal to still be figuring out your sexuality at 21. You will probably find a lot of other women your age who are also exploring/ questioning their sexuality, who aren't going to demand a serious relationship after the first date, etc...

    At this point, I wouldn't persue your coworker. You aren't sure of your sexuality, you gals work together and she is a good bit older. That's lots of things adding up to a possible- mess. Not all crushes are meant to be acted on.

    It may feel like this girl is amazing and perfect. But if you get out there in the LGBT community you can find other girls who are amazing and perfect, but also your age and not coworkers.

    Good luck.
    Spygirl likes this.

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