Confusion in the Closet - My friends think I'm asexual

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by deerintheheadlights, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. deerintheheadlights

    deerintheheadlights New Member

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    ...
     
    #1
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You say something a few times...which makes me think. You use words like: "...when I don't even know myself..." "...because i don't know myself yet..." "how I can not know myself at this age." Then you also say "I know I am not asexual." At the outset though you say "my friends here are aware I'm not straight..."

    So, this leads me to think one of two things: (1) you honestly don't know WHO you are; or, (2) you're in denial about who you are. Given that you've admitted that your friends are aware that you're not straight, I think it's the latter. I also think you're just not ready to admit it (and that's perfectly okay).

    Take it from me...I fought "the gay." I didn't want to be a lesbian. But repressing and covering up who I am only made things worse. I got the same comments as you "You're pretty..why don't you have a boyfriend." (I was uber girly in my early 20's when I was admitting to myself that I was attracted to women in a more than friend way).

    It's ok to work on yourself and reconcile what you're feeling with what your family and friends expect of you. But I think on some level you already know who you are...knowing who you are is far different from accepting who you are. And that's the real battle because to garner acceptance from others, you really need to love and accept yourself first. Therein lies the problem. You're still in the midst of a very personal and defining struggle where it's impossible to have the confidence to stand on your own without friends and family undermining you.

    Each person's journey is different...so I'm not sure I have any answers for you other than to say: a lot of us have been right where you are. A lot of us have gone through very similar things. There will come a time when you're ready to make some acknowledgments..first to yourself, then to others. Allow yourself the proper time to grow into the shoes you'll eventually fill.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Tell your home friends to fuck off. People will push you around as long as you let them. And you are letting them.

    You are sitting back, so afraid of confrontation that you are doing something worse - not living your own life.

    If my friends gossiped about my sex life, heads would roll. If people interogated me about my dating, I'd tell them to fuck off.

    Come out at Uni. Tell your friends at home to mind their own damned business.
     
    #3
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I gossip about your sex life all the time ;)

    In all seriousness, I get what you're saying @Bluenote ...and I wish I had this advice when I was 21...because I was very much dealing with this same struggle when I was 21/22.
     
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  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I came out at uni and let the folks at home gossip about me. Looking back I would've handled it differently but doing the home life uni life was a good way to work myself out and plan what I was going say to my family and the friends at home that I cared about. People do talk, but sometimes it comes from a side of not knowing how to talk to you about it all. I found talking to my oldest friends the hardest because when I was working stuff out I hid a lot of my worrying etc from them. I'm not saying their gossiping is right because saying stuff like that is dangerous, I'm trying to shed light on why they maybe not talking to you and instead talking about you.
     
    #5
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  6. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I left my family home when I was 16, but would always hear those exact words. "Why don't you have a boyfriend? You're pretty!" ... It's really annoying when you don't really know yourself!

    I used to defect those questions by taking about my awkward dates with guys, but never talking about girls. Not the most secure way to go about things lol! But my adoptive family knew I dated girls and they were fine with it. That's the grate thing about being young and in a new environment, you can be yourself because nobody else knows any better.

    When I got into a serious relationship with a girl, (after being back in the closet and dating a guy for 5 years) I came out to everybody in my family and friends from home... I got comments like "Come home, we'll find you a good man!".

    Your sexuality is your own personal information, and how you come to find yourself is, as the other ladies said, your own experience. You start to learn after you come out, that the people who care that you're gay don't matter, and the ones who matter don't care that you're gay. All the family I left as a teen, my aunts and uncles, mother, and some friends all made the homophobic remarks. However, my brother, adoptive family, and new friends all accepted my sexuality.

    Embrace your new life in a new town and find whatever makes you happy. If you don't want people to know, tell them they're being ignorant and to mind they're own business. Don't be afraid to drop negative people out of your life, you're a grown woman, don't take that shit!

    Is there one person you can confide in back home? Or are they all gossiping tools?
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I had an "ah ha" moment reading the paragraph about being wrong and having to backtrack. You're looking at things very much in black and white...sexuality isn't black and white. I came out...then went back into the closet and dated a guy...then didn't really come out again with any grand gesture when I started dating women again. Some people say the concept of sexuality is fluid. I believe people are always evolving and growing if they're living right...so why be afraid? Own who you are with conviction and always accept that you're a work in progress. What might be right for you today -- might not tomorrow. Or, you just might be right all along after having embraced who you are. As an aside, straight people don't really go through this much questioning.

    Focus not so much on the label. Find what makes you happy.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 3, 2015
  8. beaaa

    beaaa New Member

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    I can relate. Im only 15 but one of my friend says that he thinks im asexual because i never had a boyfriend... I think you should come out, you must be happy! And if your friends don't support you, they are terrible friends!
     
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