Confused

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Corose, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. Corose

    Corose Member

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    ***
     
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    Last edited: Apr 21, 2016
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Having feelings and being able to deal with those feelings in a healthy and constructive manner are two very different things. No matter what she may or may not feel for you, if she is not capable of dealing with those feelings, why would you even try to date her?

    Bluntly, she treated you like shit before. Doctors are actually supposed to have people skills - it is a big part of what they do. (My wife is a Doc). Her 'get out of my office' was just totally jerky. She could have said 'no, I don't have feelings for you.' or 'this is not appropriate at the workplace, don't do this again.'

    But no. She crosses a bunch of lines with you and then gets all pissy that - woah, you actually want to be close with her.

    That is not a coworker - coworker thing. This is not a reserved person thing (I am very introverted.) That is a person who does not have the interpersonal skills and / or empathy doesn't own their own behavior, set boundaries and behave appropriately. Sure, I would give her a pass if she was some 22 year old undergrad. But at that point she had been through at least 4 years of undergrad, 4 of Med School and I am assuming at least a few of Residency - so I am guessing she was at least 30, or close to it. So no, I don't give a 30-ish year old woman a pass on not being able to say 'I am sorry you got the wrong signals, but this is not appropriate to talk about during the work day.'

    More appropriate behavior from her would have been to never get so close in the first place. Or to have been more clear / kind in her turn down 'this is not appropriate to talk about at work, I am sorry if you got the wrong message, etc...'

    Now, lets fast forward to the present day. Has she learned her lessons? Doesn't seem like it. Here she is - giving you mixed messages again. Packing your ex off for 1,000 $ is a crazy boundary crossing right there. That is not coworkers or coworker / friends. A really good friend might loan you the money to help you get away from an abusive ex. Or they might chip in some and loan you the rest - but pay it? NFW.

    And tons of hanging out with a woman who has feelings for you, letting her cry on your shoulder, giving her relationship advice - way more mixed message boundary crossing. By now she is 40 plus and pulling this same shit that caused so many problems before.

    Quit making excuses for her past and current behavior. Why do you want to date someone who treated you so poorly before? Why do you want to be with someone who can't seem to express their feelings for you, gives you mixed messages, can't seem to let you get truly close and then turns on you when she can't cope with the mess that she has made?

    For the love of all things good and Saphic, please do not look at her as a little wounded bird who needs help learning to trust. While she may well be how she is for good reasons (crap childhood, bad past relationships, etc...) that is for her to sort out in therapy.

    Dating your mentally ill ex / abusive ex might be an aberration. Or it might be part of a pattern you have of settling for women who treat you poorly. Doctor lady is treating you poorly. Unless she can step up to the plate, give clear messages, own her own feelings and set boundaries - move on to someone else. Someone with less baggage, who will treat you better.
     
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  3. Corose

    Corose Member

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    well, that's what you get when you ask for advice on the internet, LOL. Thanks for the tough love, uh, I think. OUCH.

    One thing to clarify, years ago when I told her I had feelings, it was not at work. It was in off time when we were together.

    Nope, I don't think she is a wounded bird - After 14 years, I recognize her faults pretty damn clearly, LOL. I also recognize mine.

    I can't say I feel better, but I appreciate the time and effort you took to reply.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Yes, when you ask for advice on the internet, you will get a total stranger (or more, if you leave your post up) who take the time to give you their honest opinions. I get that you don't really like my opinion and that is ok. But it does come from a good place. Plenty of women come on here trying to pursue unhealthy situations. They might not want to hear 'wow, this sounds really unhealthy for you,' but it is honest advice.

    I wish you good luck with everything.
     
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  5. Corose

    Corose Member

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    You didn't say anything I hadn't thought myself. I was feeling vulnerable and half crazy overthinking it when I decided hey let'sgo on the internet and ask for advice! 0_o

    Mostly the conclusion i have come to is dammit, I'm awesome. If she can't do any if the work, if she is going to continue to run hot and cold... she doesn't deserve me.
     
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  6. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

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    Corose gal like u said this is the internet but even in real life u should alway take advice/ pples opinions with a grain of salt. I actually read yr post b4 u removed it n think u shld give the doc a chance n cut her some slack. Pple deal with things differently n we rnt all programmed the same way so her having shut u out back then cld have been her way of dealing with u suddenly not wanting to hang out as much after 4 years of being close mayb u too broke her hearrt in a way. But either way cldnt she just maybe have realised her mistake n is trying to give u guyz a second chance. N if she continues to be hot n cold just talk to her gal call her out on her bs , but dont just let this go.... Gdluck :)
     
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  7. Corose

    Corose Member

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    Thanks never again for sharing your thoughts. I'm going to see where it goes tomorrow nite. I don't think Im quite willing to give up yet. :) i may be a fool, but that's another subject.
     
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  8. NeverAgain

    NeverAgain Member

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    Corose any updates?? :)
     
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  9. Corose

    Corose Member

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    Thanks for thinking of me snd asking!

    So short and sweet: dinner that night was nice. Very low key.

    I went home that nite snd said to myself, slow this train down. Go slower. Enjoy the relationship building. If it goes to romance, so be it. If it doesn't? This is pretty much your best friend. How about just enjoying whatever it is for awhile?

    And that's what Ive done. She's been more relaxed and more open with me, and I'm just enjoying life.

    Its good.
     
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