Confused

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by seven, Nov 8, 2015.

  1. seven

    seven Member

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    W
     
    #1
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2016
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You are not seven of nine are you? :)

    You two are people of good vibe and normally I would do a very crufty disclaimer (sounding solemn and everything) about working closetly with someone and dating but I really don't think it would hurt in this instance to feel it out by seeing her outside the office. I mean if you might torpedo your whole career over a dame (sounding like bogart now) then it best be a really really worthy one. But if she is so keen to go out then go out. You don't have to jump her bones right away or anything.
     
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  3. seven

    seven Member

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    Star Trek? Unfortunately not! Lol
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Making a move is kind of far off right now it seems if all you know of her is this ideal that walks around in perfect politeness in clothing and deed at the office. Get to know her a bit outside that setting then you have more info to go on.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Also, just one more thing. If I were you and the outings go well, I would ask formally for a date as my move and make sure that yay or nay she understands it wouldn't affect the professional relationship. Even though I can't see how it cannot.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She is 10 to 12 years older than you, you work together you share an office and she likes dudes.

    What could ever possibly go wrong here?

    Stay away. Stay far, far away. It is hard to date a coworker. Harder still a coworker that you see constantly. If you break up - then your personal life and professional life are a mess. Not to mention work sexual harassment risk and all that awfulness.

    Plus, she is a lot older than you. There is a big difference among people who are 10 years apart in age. The things that you listed as similar are somewhat superficial - liking the same music, shopping at the same shops. But there are other really important things that would impact how you gals would get along in a relationship, such as:

    1) does she actually like women?
    2) is she / are you into monogamy?
    3) Would she / are you willing to come out?
    4) does she / do you want to settle down?
    5) does she / do you want to have kids?
    6) how do you / how does she handle stress and problems in life?

    It can seem all neat and wonderful to meet someone and have things in common with them. Until you realize that you have a big difference - say, she wants kids now and you want to wait. Or she isn't into monogamy and wants to be able to have hookups with guys on the side. Or you are still growing and finding yourself and she wants to keep the status quo. Or you want to settle down, but she is bored and wants to try and recapture her 20s.

    Then suddenly - boom - you don't have so much in common anymore. And you are staring at each other across a tiny office, remembering last nights fight / melt down / break up / etc...

    Seriously, don't shit where you eat. Because eventually, you will wind up eating... well, you get the idea.
     
    #6
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    OK...to add to what @Bluenote said and with what you agreed: are you capable of being objective here, or are you seeing what you want to see in the relationship? Many times we project or read into things which even remotely favor our point of view. Can you look at the situation from another vantage point before you decide that this is something so huge that you should risk your job for it or are you so clouded by what you believe are things "happening for a reason?"

    I'm not so sure I believe in fate...or things happening for a reason the way you think they do....I think sometimes we see what we want to see and look for little hints because we need something to hold onto.

    Frankly, at 22 I thought I knew what I wanted out of life...looking back 20+ years, I realize I had no freakin' clue. You might think you're ready for the same things a 34-37 year old might want out of life, but I can assure you, there are vast differences. That's not a slight on you..that's just life and biology. If someone her age is into you, then you also might want to question why...as in...why would someone of that age want to be with someone of your age other than sex? I'd think that person had issues, honestly.

    If this job means anything to you -- don't risk it. You have a future ahead of you that you don't need to be derailed because of a connection which may not be the connection you think it is.
     
    #7
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  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think, Seven, I get the title of your post now. Indeed your confusion may lie on whether this is a deeply spiritual connection and not romantic. Sometimes those two things could look similar. I have seen women who would meet and become instant soulmates without the romance. Some of those spirtual twosomes are actually decades apart in years. I have this bosom buddy once, she was in her 80's when we met and I have lost her now but we talked at the same level and she was a light in my life.

    I am not alarmed at her age and your interactions so far. She is not declaring undying love for you nor am I detecting any inappropriateness. It would be scary if she is someone who latches onto anyone close and does cold reads to find out what you like and pretends to like the same. But seeing her outside the office may help you discern such things. Meeting her family and getting her to talk about herself while mentioning very little about yourself for a change can certainly help.

    As for the age, I really can't judge this because I have seen so many people with that difference work and so many people who don't. But I think we are way jumping the gun here. I don't think you know her well just yet.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    You have a crush. Your ovaries are saying that you want to get involved with your coworker.

    Your mind is saying that it is a bad idea to get involved with a coworker.

    Your ovaries are trying to convince your mind that it is a great idea to risk your job (and maybe career) pursuing someone whose sexuality is unclear and who is definitely older than you AND who sits about 10 feet away from you every day.

    So hey - presto - bargaining and exceptions!! Dating this coworker won't blow up in my face because this is different than any other coworker dating situation. Dating this woman who is 10 years older than me will be fine, because this is different from every other relationship with a big age gap. See we have this spiritual connection. We both feel something huge is happening. It is all happening for a reason.

    Look, other people who hooked up with their coworkers and lived to regret it felt this same way too. No one goes into a relationship thinking "Boy, I have nothing in common with this person and this is going to be a really big mistake." or "Wow, this is going to be really great until I realize that she dates younger women because she can manipulate them." Everyone looks at the positives - through the fog of a crush - and convinces themselves that a really bad idea is in fact a really good idea. Everyone mistakes their feelings - attraction, newness, crushes, wanting a partner - for something deeper and more profound. "We have so much in common (but not the stuff that matters in a relationship)," "we have this amazing connection (until I figure out she is immature and codependent)."

    And everyone takes what they want and projects it onto their crush. The crush is kind of a fuzzy picture, you don't really, really know them - and your mind puts what you want in the blanks.

    Because you want to have a spiritual connection with someone. You want to have all these things in common, to have someone to share life with. You want fate to send a perfect partner your way.

    So your mind ignores the things that don't fit (she is 10+ years older than you) and over emphasizes what you want (we listen to the same song on the same day, see spirituality). (This is what @Spygirl is saying too).

    It is not bad to have crushes. It is a normal part of life. The bad part is when we start getting tricked by our crushes and acting on the ones that are obviously not good situations. This is coming from someone who listened to her ovaries and wound up in some really painful situations (banging one of my college professors, dating a string of older women who only wanted me for sex, dating a girl with a hard drug problem.) I looked at situations that were obviously not good and convince myself that somehow these were different (age is just a number, fate brought us together, etc...).

    In retrospect, I was a total dumbass to think that fate brought me together with a drug user who wound up wasting her life away and oding young. And yes, we had a ton in common. And yes, we had this insane, instant connection. And yes, we were on the same wavelength about so, so many things. Except one really big thing and that made all the difference.

    You have already said that you won't take my advice. And I don't think that I will change your mind. But if you do wake up one day going "this just exploded in my face, wtf happened, how could I have been so wrong," then come back to my post. Realize that it was written by someone who rode the train all the way off the cliff - a bunch of times - until she finally figured out how to heed warning signs.
     
    #9
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  10. aTaurean

    aTaurean Member

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    Hi Seven, I can imagine how you feel after meeting a person who became instantly compatible. It is a beautiful feeling!

    She likes men and you like both men and woman. Now, you both seems to have a certain connection that brings you the possibility of taking this relationship to a sexual level, spiritual level or build a strong friendship that lasts possibly forever.

    If I were you, I would take it easy and try to know her better, connect with her more to understand how she feels about me. I believe it is very easy (in fact tempting) to fall in love with a person whom we find emotionally compatible. However, the worst heart aches can come from this very same person if you rush through it. So, it would be wise to control your feelings for her and continue to be a good colleague, a good friend for some time. Doesn't it also make going to work a little less boring?! :) You may end up getting a finest friend (or like @greylin mentioned - 'light in life') whom you can confide in without having to do much explanation about any matter. If the chemistry works out fine between the two of you, over time, then you can let go of yourself and free-fall in love. Age will not really matter at that point.
     
    #10
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  11. seven

    seven Member

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    Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Honestly. I have read every word and it is so so so helpful. I really can't thank you enough. You have given me a lot to think about, it's put things in to perspective a bit.
     
    #11
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  12. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    You can have a lot in common without dating. I met a co-worker three years ago and we found we have more in common than I can say about anyone. We were both born in the same state but moved to another state - the same one - when we were 10. Our father's worked for the same company. We both eventually moved back to the first state to live with our mothers. There are a lot of other similarities like never marrying or having kids, etc. But, she's straight. So, I never saw her as a possible girlfriend. We're just close friends at work. In fact, her boyfriend calls me her work-wife. Sometimes we get together outside of work for lunch, but we mostly keep our friendship at work. Just because you're maybe gay or bi doesn't mean every girl you meet you need to date.
     
    #12
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  13. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    Another thing I would consider is how hard is it for you to change jobs. A lot of people here seem to be thinking a job is something permanent, but I tend to switch jobs every 3 to 4 years anyway... if you have the kind of job where you can easily switch, I'd say get to know her better and see where it leads. If things get too intense, you can always change companies.
    I would choose meeting the love of my life over a job any day of the week...
    But that seriously depends on what type of work you do etc....
     
    #13
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  14. PooleContract

    PooleContract Member

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    I've had this at work where I was in the closet and my closest colleague was a hot blonde with blue eyes who asked me to go to the gym with her and we both even changed in front of each other but she never found out I'm gay and I knew all along she was into men. Trust me. A bond between two women is intense. And you'll never know if you can have her in that way unless it's a conversation that's explicitly had or if you two actually engage in some kind of sexual foreplay or activity.........otherwise you're just overanalyzing it.
     
    #14

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