Discussion in 'General Advice' started by jenee9, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. jenee9

    jenee9 Member

    Sep 17, 2013
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    Hi, I am 22 years old and I have a dilemma I don't know If I am gay or not. So I don't know when it started, but I think it was between grade 6 or 7. Whenever I walked by cute girls or had to stand by them I was very cautious. It's because thoughts like "if you touch them they will think you like them." Or other thoughts along those lines. After that I started to realize I might like girls.

    I am from a Catholic family and being "gay" is a sin. So when I realized I might like girls I forced it to the back of my mind. When I entered high school everyone had boyfriends and I did think boy were(and still are) cute. So I asked a boy out. We actually really liked each other and were in a relationship for about 2 years. (He was not my first boyfriend I had 2 in middle school but they lasted about a month. I just wasn't interested.) But at the end I just didn't feel a connection. Like when I kissed him I didn't feel a spark, even from the beginning of the relationship. When we slit up but I was not a heartbroken as I thought I would be. I kissed a few more guys but I really didn't feel anything for them.

    Then when I was 20 I held a party at my house and this girl told me that she was going to kiss me later. All night I actually looked forward to the kiss. Thoughts like "is it going to be good" and "oh no what if I am a bad kisser" went threw my mind. Then around 2 she came up to me and she kissed me. I have to say it was the best kiss I ever had. But then the thought "no this is not right I am not supposed to like kissing girls" went threw my brain and I pulled back. She looked at me and asked "did you stop kissing me because you didn't like it or because your "not supposed to"". I was actually really freaked out cause she hit the nail on the head I did like it but was not supposed to like kissing girls. But I got scared and told her it was because I didn't like it. What a total lie lol. I thought of for the rest of the week.

    I am just really confused because I think both guys and gals are great. Its just confusing. Do any of you have any tip or advice about exploring this feeling. Like what tips of things I could do like join clubs or something?

  2. Eva Mac

    Eva Mac Well-Known Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    You need to explore your feelings without judgement, otherwise you'll never get a clear answer. I carried Catholic guilt around for years, I mean, I accepted I was gay, my family accepted it, my friends, they only part of me that couldn't accept it was the small minded Catholic part. Can human beings really be more accepting and tolerant than God? Really more full of love? Does that sound right to you? Human beings wrote the dogmatic principles of religion, not God. That's the conclusion I came to.

    Now, you're still exploring your feelings, no one can tell you whether you like men or women or both but yourself, but you'll never get to the answer unless you can get that horrible little dogmatic voice saying "sin" out of your head. So yeah, maybe some sort of support group where you can talk to other gay or bi folks, or talking to a trusted non-judegmental friend or even a counsellor, to discuss your conflicted feelings. Above all though, you need to remember that the Catholic Church was founded by human beings, not God, and sometimes they're wrong. I hope I'm making sense and might help a little :) .

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