Confused in CT!

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by WineLover, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. WineLover

    WineLover Member

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    I'm trying to figure out who I am. In my forties with 2 teenage kids, girl (16) and boy (13) and still married.

    My H is still in love with me but I don't think I have those feelings for him anymore. It's hard because he is a decent guy. I've been drifting away for years and he refused to see it.

    I'm not sure if I'm bi, lesbian or still straight (and bored). I just feel better around women, they seem to really understand me. I did kiss a woman I played softball with this summer, but the season ended and we haven't hooked up again. I'm not even sure if she liked it or not. I enjoyed it and keep thinking about her. Now I don't know what I really want. I thought this website would be a good place for me to start trying to figure out who I am.
     
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  2. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps you should make a couple lesbian friends and get to know "the world" better. You may just want something new and exciting in your life, so I wouldn't stress about it and throw your marriage away. You have been married for awhile so why not talk to your husband about it. Perhaps he will be okay with you making out with girls and seeing if you're interested. I know of a few girls who were married, left their husbands for a girl, and eventually wished they never did it. On the other hand, I know of a few who left their marriage and would never go back. So, it all depends. Check out lesbian or bi meetups in your area.
     
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  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think that whatever happens, should happen inside the context of your marriage first.

    You are married to a decent guy, who loves you and you have 2 kids together. Sexual orientation is not a free pass to disrespect all of that. You have made a commitment and should honor that commitment. Are you a straight woman who has grown apart from her husband? Are you bisexual and have grown bored with the routine? Or are you really a lesbian?

    Personally, I think that you should explore the first two options first. Get couples counseling. Get an individual therapist. See if working on your marriage - actively reconnecting with your husband instead of allowing yourself to drift away, dealing with lingering issues, getting back in touch physically - help rekindle the flame.

    Lots of people, both gay and straight, hit rough patches in relationships. They throw them away, instead of trying to repair them. They run out and get a shiny new relationship. Until the same problems surface in the new relationship, so they pitch that one and move on to a third (or fourth, or tenth).

    Not all relationships can be saved. But lets face it - finding someone, man or woman, who loves you and who is decent to you - isn't all that easy. You don't want to throw this good guy out and then realize you made a bad mistake. @Spygirl deals with divorces and she can probably tell you how you don't want to rush into one.

    It is possible that you are a lesbian and that you just can't feel that passion for your husband. If so, then no, I don't think that you have to stay in an unfullfilling marriage. But I think that you owe it to a lot of people (yourself, your husband, your kids, etc...) to at least try.

    (As a word of background, I am in my 40s, I am married to a woman and I live in Newe England).
     
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  4. WineLover

    WineLover Member

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    Thank you both for taking the time to reply. As I mentioned, I am confused and don't really have anyone to talk to and you've both given me things to think about. I don't know how H would react if/when I tell him. He knows something isn't right, but when he starts to question why I locked my i-pad and I-phone, I get mad because he 'doesn't trust me'. After all, don't we all have the right to a little privacy? Maybe I should see a counselor first and see if that helps, then try couples counseling.
     
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  5. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @Bluenote ..."Sexual orientation is not a free pass to disrespect all of that..." is something that should be quoted often.

    But I digress. I do handle divorces (although I don't do a lot of them because they're emotionally draining...I'm an attorney...also in my 40's, married, with no children) and they can get ugly, especially when there are minor children involved. And most of the time, the driving factor behind animosity in divorces is usually money.

    That being said -- I'm going to keep this basic because this is exactly how you should be looking at it. Remove sexual orientation from the equation, ok? Why are you not happy in your marriage? Is this just a product of not growing together, not communicating, lacking affection, the normal mundane routine of life...or is it symptomatic of an actual event you can pinpoint which changed your way of thinking? Was the attention from softball girl genuine and spark feelings you didn't know you had or was the attention welcomed if you're not getting attention at home? Would you have welcomed such attention from anyone -- man or woman? The problems you need to face are yours alone at this point..first figuring out the WHY and what it exactly is that you're feeling. Seeing a professional may help.

    Throughout all of this you need to maintain respect for your husband as well. I have a friend right now whom I could slap (and I'm not violent..I say this for effect..she's going through a divorce...and I don't handle friends' cases) because she and her husband are co-habitating while they prepare for a divorce and she's lying to him...BIG HUGE lies. I had to remind her that at one point she loved him enough to stand up at the alter and promise "for better or worse" to him and that now she's treating him in such a way that it will come back to bite her in the end -- especially when there's no reason for the lies and he WILL find out the truth. So, suddenly locking your iPhone or iPad when you haven't done so in the past is sending strong signals to your husband that something is different. It's not about trust because by changing your behavior you've given him a reason to wonder. I have absolutely nothing to hide but my passwords are open to the wife and she can read whatever she wants of mine..she doesn't because she's got no reason to worry.

    Respect your marriage and husband as you go through the process of self-exploration. You don't want to make any kind of knee-jerk decisions because you're bored. You also don't need to rush to put a label on yourself or rush to change things in your marriage until you're absolutely sure as to who you are, what you're feeling and what you ultimately want. I always advocate being honest but also being true to yourself...yes, you have a right to be happy and if that means ending the marriage, then make sure it's the right decision before you take action. A divorce is like death. Remember, you also have 2 children involved who will be very much affected by any decisions you make. Take the time to find out who you are but be mindful of your family as well.
     
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  6. WineLover

    WineLover Member

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    @Spygirl - Thank you. Yes, there are issues outside of sexual orientation. I feel emotionally alone (for years) and I'm also the primary bread winner. Now my daughter is really struggling academically in high school, and I blame him for not being hard enough with either of the kids regarding schoolwork and study habits. He is their friend and playmate and he wants them to figure it out on their own.

    He works as a bartender and usually isn't home or available for us to go out on Friday or Saturday nights. I work M-F and go to bed early when he wants to go out (or do other things) during the rest of the week. So we haven't been connecting on many levels.

    He always seems to be 'in the mood', but I am almost never feeling the same. He thinks more intimacy would bring us closer. I want to be closer before we are intimate. Dilemma!

    I'm sorry for bouncing all over the place. I hope you could follow. But once I started writing, so much is flooding my mind, I can't keep it straight!

    Now, on the other hand, I'm not sure if my feelings for softball girl are real or just filling a need for affection?

    Since I don't have anyone to open up to around me (yet), I am very grateful for your advice.
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    @WineLover ...that's what we're here for. It sounds like you've been two different people who've not grown together in the marriage and that you've had things bothering you for some time...and these things fester until they reach a boiling point, then a breaking point, and you find yourself no longer able to endure the situation. I'm sure it's tough for you to be the mom and the dad so-to-speak when your husband is the playmate.

    There's no magical formula to all of this -- no right or wrong answers. They'll come from within. Clearly though, your marriage has issues regardless of your sexual orientation.

    I once had a mentor tell ask me this question when I got to a point in work where I was buried and didn't know which way was up...she said "How do you eat an elephant?" I looked at her, puzzled. Her answer "one bite at a time."

    So, take baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day. A better version of you is waiting..whatever that may be. Just take your time as you figure out your path.
     
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  8. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @WineLover I would really encourage you to get individual counseling and couples counseling.

    If it has gotten to the point where you are kissing other people (and not seeming to feel guilty about it) and he feels threatened that you are locking your devices - then it has gone pretty far. I would suggest that you work on your marriage and work on your own issues before your marriage hits a point of no return, where there is so much baggage that forgiveness and healing are impossible.

    Lets start with the reality check bit. It is easy for you to fantasize about softball girl. But the reality would be really different. You would either a) have and affair or b) separate from / divorce your husband.

    a) Affairs suck - setting a horrible example for your children, always hiding, wanting to be with your lover and resenting your husband, being pressured to leave your husband for your lover, making friends lie for you (or keep your secrets).

    b) A separation or divorce would suck too. As you are the breadwinner, I assume that your husband takes care of the kids. There is a good chance that he would get primary custody. It would likely be best for the kids to stay in the house (with husband), so you would be moving out to an apartment. And, possibly, paying child support and spousal support. You would work m-f, then come home and cook, clean, care for the apartment. Then in your free time, you likely would have the kids.

    This wouldn't leave a lot of time for a lover. The issues you would have with your husband would still be there - you would be really tired m-f for dating. And you wouldn't be able to go out on weekends when you had the kids.

    c) Either of these options would be really hard on your kids. I am not saying that you should stay in an unhappy marriage just for them. But I do think you should be really sure of things and not rush to an affair, separation or divorce.
    It is easy to fantasize about things and, of course, our fantasies are fun and perfect. No one every fantasizes about being too tired to see their lover, or about not seeing each other for weeks at a time because of scheduling stuff. Or about realizing that someone who will cheat with you, is also going to cheat on you.

    Nothing in your posts really jump out at me screaming 'woah, this lady is so gay.' You seem sort of vague in your post 'I prefer the company of women, I have drifted apart from my husband, this lady kissed me and now I fantasize about her.'

    - Plenty of straight (or bisexual) women prefer the company of other women.
    - Your underlying marital issues can explain why you are no longer attracted to your husband. Resentment and judgement easily kill affection and attraction.
    - Straight and bi women (and lesbians) fantasize about sex with women. Fantasizing moves you about 0.5 points on the kinsey scale, it doesn't mean you are full blown gay or bi or whatever.
    - Women's fantasies are frequently about more than sex. They also express a desire for intimacy, passion, eroticism, a dominant or submissive lover, nurturing, etc...
    That last bit about fantasies is really important. You talk about feeling emotionally alone. You also talk about how women understand you better. And you talk about how you want intimacy first, then the sex will follow. So it is quite possible that your fantasies is about a lot more than sex. It could be about wanting to have that emotional connection and closeness with someone. Couples counseling could help you and your husband develop a better emotional connection, get you two having more affection outside of sex and so on.

    Resentment and judgement can really kill attraction and affection. You talk about your husband in this mixed way. On the one hand, you say he is a decent guy and loves you. On the other hand, you say that you have drifted away from him and "he refuses to see it." You also don't approve of him being more hands off about homework and school. And fights about your iphone and privacy are no good.

    You have to own your part of this. You have chosen to drift away from him, however passively. This isn't all his fault, he doesn't get all of the blame for "refusing to see it." Why have you drifted away, instead of fighting for your marriage? Why have you chosen a passive approach, rather than confronting things? Are you doing other passive things to undermine your marriage? If you are carrying around deep resentment, individual counseling can help you get in touch with that and deal with that in a healthy way. If you resent your husband because you feel like you have been emotionally abandoned, left along to be the breadwinner - that is a pretty big resentment.

    Looking down on his parenting approach is not helping your attraction to him, either. Now, I am not telling you how to raise your kids. It is important that they do well in school and get an education. More just - a couples counselor can help you guys find a solution that works and doesn't leave you frustrated with him. Maybe you take on more of the homework duties. And see the positive things about his parenting approach - I mean, the kids have gotten this far.

    The privacy bit seems like a bit of a cop out on your part. Yes, we all have a right to privacy. But that right doesn't trump our responsibility to honor our relationships. It's one thing to like a little privacy so we can look at some kinky porn. It is another thing to want privacy so we can conduct multiple affairs. So if privacy is code for "I want to check out of my marriage and get involved with women" then no - privacy is not ok. But if privacy means - "I need to work on my marriage and myself" then yes, privacy to work on one's self is ok. Looking at AfterEllen = ok, sexting other women = not ok. You get the idea.
     
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  9. WineLover

    WineLover Member

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    Thank you Bluenote! You have really helped me with a different perspective. I have been floundering for a long time and haven't been able to get a grip on everything going on in my head and heart. That's why I've felt so confused and really overwhelmed. You have laid out several options in an organized way that will help me get through this. I know I have a lot of introspective thinking to do and I will give some thought to couples counseling.

    Looking back, I did fight for my marriage a few years ago and that's when he refused to see it or take me seriously. I told him that things needed to change, but they didn't. Now, 3 years later he is making an effort, but it may be too little and too late.

    If I (we) decide to go to counceling together, I'm not sure if I should tell him what I'm going through before or just let it come out during counseling. He seems to have an idea that something is going on, but I have managed to put his mind at ease (I think) so far.

    I'm glad it's the weekend and I'll have time to think while he's at work.
     
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  10. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    That is a really tough situation @WineLover . I can understand how if you ask your husband to change and he refuses, that leaves you feeling trapped, abandoned, resentful and a bunch of other bad things. It also sounds like you aren't hopeful that your husband will change, even with therapy.

    I think that it is worth giving therapy and couples therapy a shot. Your husband may take things more seriously if a) he sees that you are so fed up that you insist on counseling and b) if a counselor is backing you up that things need to change. Of course, he may not change, or he may refuse to go. But it would still be useful. Because you could really clarify what you want and need, what you feel is important and what is lacking. Also, it would allow you to say to yourself (and your kids, family, etc...) that you did what you could to try and save your marriage.

    As for telling him - personally I think that you should explore stuff a little with an individual counselor first. You want your own thoughts to be clear in your head, before his reaction influences or confuses you. I guess if it was me, I would tell him during counseling - he might not take it so well and a counselor could help mediate it.

    "Our marriage isn't great, I need more affection and connection, ps I might be bisexual" has a very different dynamic from "I might be bisexual, ps, I am not happy in our marriage." The first version sets it up that marital issues are a big part of your unhappiness. In the second, it seems like everything falls on you because might be bi, gay, whatever. This isn't all on you, you have legitimate reasons to feel abandoned, uncared for, isolated, and so on.
     
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  11. WineLover

    WineLover Member

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    Thank you again Bluenote. You seem to have a better grasp on my situation than I do. You make it almost sound simple. I think I need to relax and take a step back for better perspective.

    I have another question which I would like your thoughts on. H thinks that sex/intimacy will bring us closer and as I've mentioned, I'm not there mentally. I come up with excuses (too tired, sore throat, stomach issues etc...) or I just pick a fight when he gets that look in his eye. He says he understands, but he has no clue about what I am really feeling.

    I'm guessing I should talk with a counselor about it, but you have really been helpful and I would love your thoughts as I'm not sure if/when I will be able to see someone. I've given in to him 2 or 3 times this year and each time he always wants more. I don't hate it, but I don't enjoy it either...
     
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