Confused girl or not?

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Chem7, Feb 8, 2019.

  1. Chem7

    Chem7 New Member

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    Hi guys,

    I'm new on here but have spent the last couple of weeks reading a number of the threads. My 'issue' isn't painful or urgent, just very slightly frustrating and I just wanted some outside perspectives.

    I've been on a social media platform for a number of years. I have quite a large following on it and get many private messages from all sorts of people both here in the UK where I am and abroad. A couple of years ago a girl popped up who commented on a lot of my work and private messaged me. It turned out she lived only 10mins away from me and we shared some mutual interest for art and poetry. We spoke at length through private messaging over the next few days (constantly) but about insignificant things really, until something quite big happened in my personal life and I was off social media for a couple of months. During that time she would every couple of days or a week like an old post of mine. Not ever messaging me directly to ask how I was. I eventually resurfaced online and she messaged me after a few days and I, in the course of conversation, explained the upheaval in my personal life (family related). Anyway after another full day of messages she went silent. Over the next two years this whole cycle continued. She would message, we would talk through messages over the course of a day, then she wouldn't respond to my last message and disappear from direct contact (although not from being online) for a number of days or weeks and then come back again. Eventually I asked for her number and she gave it but when I said I'd call she was clear that she didn't want a friendship and that she preferred no labels?! Whatever that meant. I was abroad on holiday and left it at that. It didn't make any real difference to my life really as I was busy getting on with work, friends, dating, family, whatever. Eventually the contact became more sporadic and I forgot about her largely. Or just considered her as some quasi-internet follower/friend type. All this time as far as I was concerned she's straight and I hadn't spoken about my sexuality as it never came up.

    Fast forward to this last Christmas and her messages became more frequent all of a sudden and more flirty through this social network. I then decided to message her number in the hope that maybe some direct contact would get to the bottom of what she actually wants. We spent a few days having some intense conversations through text. Emotional, flirty, funny, whatever. And in the middle of it there it was again 'I don't want to make friends, I'm fighting my own personal battles etc.' So I had a bit of an outburst and sent her a long message saying I don't understand what she wants if it's not even a friendship and that it can't be all on her terms which it has been these last two years. But I said it in a much sterner and meaner way and implied she was being emotionally manipulative. She didn't message back. Weeks went by. I eventually relented and messaged her, she said she had been upset and sad about what I said and me leaving and that she 'had' liked me a lot (what??). Anyway I apologised for being abrupt and we started talking again. Lots of intense and flirty conversations over a couple of days and then wham back to being cut off. I then told her I was gay to see if that would illicit a reaction. Not much. Then I asked if I was ever going to hear a voice (I had heard it on social media but we hadn't spoken directly). Right after my question, she mentioned some guy was trying to message and flirt with her! I then backed off. In the meantime a girl I met some time ago at an event asked me out to see her, I told (internet) girl about this proposed date and she got all funny about it. Not being able to work her out I completely backed off and now she tries to flirt again by sending me videos of her cooking and saying she wants to cook for me. Am I missing something?! At the same time in the middle of a flirt she will throw in a story about a guy or that she has her own issues and I shouldn’t have expectations of friendship.

    None of this is world ending, I completely appreciate it. But just what are the games about? Or are they games? Just wondering partly out of curiosity and partly out of frustration.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If she said you "shouldn't have expectations of friendship." I would take her word for it.

    I think your assessments have been spot on about her, she is doing everything on her own terms and it is a "quasi-internet follower/friend type". That term is so perfect!

    In a nut shell, on people who won't meet you to hang out even if they were just living 10 minutes away, are either not that into you and just want attention, or into you but don't want to be for whatever reasons, but just want attention. When you told her you are going out with someone, she got funny about it because, hey, there goes her attention.

    It is sad because when you do connect with someone, you want to care about them, hang out, and have them care about what's happening with you. People who crave attention but do not have the capacity to give too much are very good at making you feel great connections when you talk to them. She is not mean or awful, she doesn't sound like the kind of friend that you need is all. She was upfront about not being able to give you much but to flirt and have fun. She does not realize flirting can be hurtful because you would like more and she should be more sensitive to that. I suspect she does that out of habit and will forget even if you tell her straight up to stop flirting with you if she does not mean it.

    You sound like you would be a great partner to someone who wants real connections and emotional intimacy. Good luck on your date. I am sorry you went through all that family stuff, hope all is better and at least on the mend now.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I think you're right about the emotionally manipulative part -- she wants what she wants on her terms only. I keep re-reading your post and thinking that maybe ... just maybe... she's caught up in the fantasy of you or who you are that has her enthralled and that the idea of anything real with you either (1) scares her; (2) forces her to admit something about herself that she's not ready to admit; (3) is impossible given real life circumstances. Maybe keeping your "not a friendship" on the internet only is her way of staying safe within her own boundaries.

    Clearly there's something there on her part...why be flirty? Last time I checked, my straight friends didn't flirt..at least to where it could ever be taken seriously. However, her words contradict her actions.

    Stick to your boundaries...these are her issues to sort.
     
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  4. Chem7

    Chem7 New Member

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    Thank you, for the advice and well wishes.
    I think what you say is pretty much on the money. Since my post, I actually by sheer coincidence ended up in her area with some friends and snapped her a photo and she replied instantly saying 'so close...' and I said 'and yet so far' and then she asked who I was here to see and I jokingly said I'm not sure anyone in these ends likes me and she replied 'I like you'. And because I didn't respond immediately she messaged again saying 'why so quiet?' and I replied that I'd got caught up navigating my friend. We've messaged backwards and forward over the last couple of days, flirting. She said 'I think of you more than you think of me'. She commented on how soft my hands looked in a photo I had up. And then wham again just now right in the middle of it she sends me a screenshot of her conversation with a guy (nothing flirty in it, but they had clearly been messaging at quite early hours of the morning). And asks me if a guy was not interested in you, would you still message back if he hadn't responded to your last message. It's stuff like this that confuses the hell out of me. So you think about me but you're interested in him? Which is it because it can't be both?

    A huge part of me thinks she's just interested in someone she can't have and I'm just someone she is passing time with to fill that vacuum. That gives attention like you said and perhaps it's an ego boost. I'm not sure if I should just a) call her out on it; b) just not give the attention but message back within very guided boundaries or c) just delete and block her altogether (extreme, I don't know)
     
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