Confused for years ... Does she like me?!

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Ambient_Bro, Oct 15, 2015.

  1. Ambient_Bro

    Ambient_Bro New Member

    Oct 15, 2015
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    So I feel like the answer to this is probably staring at me in the face but sometimes you just need to hear it from others!

    I'm besotted with my best friend and in truth I probably have been since the day I met her, which was well over 10 years ago now.

    I think I've always been into girls but didn't want to address it and I was forever desperate to fit in! I'm a total Tom boy even if I can hide it better these days.

    At the start and for the first years it was the most intense friendship or relationship I'd ever had (I'd never even kiss anyone at this point) she would hug me, tell me she needed me and loved me and I was so caught up in it all! however she would do anything to land a guy and it made me jealous as hell.

    Then years later I went out with a guy and we had sex. She hated him but was seeing some guy at the time although it wasn't serious. Then one night one thing lead to another and we had sex but with only me doing stuff to her, she didn't touch me, typical I freaked out and she didn't seem bothered. We opted to forget it and it was never mentioned again!

    For the next few years through us both having boyfriends things would always happen when we were along - mostly kissing, hugging and boob touching but in a way it was waaaay over the line of friendship. Both families were concerned about our closeness & I know we both were asked if we were lesbians. She was appalled by this and to this day still makes lesbians out to be a negative thing.

    Then she met a guy and seemed to fall head over heels and nothing happened with us, I met a guy too and I started to get over her to an extent ... but she's always in my mind somehow.

    I got engaged and I was ok with that then a few months later she gave me old signals about how she knew me better than anyone etc and we ended up back at the boob touching stage again until her boyfriend arrived home and we had to stop. For the coming months it was all touching, cuddling and being lovey with each other but then she got engaged and i seem to have been cast to the side yet again.

    I'm ruining my relationship because I spend my time fantasising about her.

    If nothing had happened recently I'd be ok but now I'm more messed up than ever! Why would she send those signals out again after all these years?!
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Why wouldn't she?

    It sounds like she is bisexual, but can't deal with that. She pictures herself in a ltr with a man. She also is attracted to you. But she has worked out a compromise that she is ok with - she is besties with you, you gals make out, but she doesn't have to come out to anyone (including herself). It happens sometimes (a lot, actually). Women are bi or gay, but can't reconcile that. So they marry men, but fool around with other women on the side.

    The question more is - what are you doing to take care of yourself? If she hasn't come out, or said she wants to be your full on gf in - ten years - then she isn't going to. Do you want to spend (waste) the next 10 years being her on-again-off-again thing on the side? Do you want to mess up the relationship you are in, waiting (fruitlessly) for her?

    Is it possible that you are gay? Maybe you should focus more on your feelings and less on hers. Do you love her in a way you haven't loved any one else because - she is a woman? Is it possible that if you tried dating women, you could find the connection that you have with her - in someone who can commit to you?

    I know it is a lot of questions. But honestly - my advice is - it's never going to happen with her. So you should step back and do what is right to take care of yourself.
    Spygirl and lorienczhiu like this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    It doesn't really matter if she likes you; this is a mess.

    For the record though: yeah, she probably does. She likes to make out with you, and keep you on the hook, and have you as a fallback friend/hookup when she needs one. But she doesn't have the ovaries to admit it and to take the steps to have what she wants. So if she likes you, she is still in denial, afraid, and lying to you and her fiance. If she doesn't like you, she is just using you and manipulating you for her gratification. These are both bad options, and are both pretty guaranteed to hurt you in the end.

    I've said it to lots of women, who are involved with closet cases in denial: there are actually gay, out, wonderful women out there who will not freak out when people think you are together or feel you up when they are feeling frustrated with her relationship. You deserve them, if what you want is a relationship with a woman, not this mindf*ck.

    Also, with all the respect in the world, if you are engaged and making out with someone else: maybe you should not be engaged. I agree with Bluenote, that you should focus on what you want and need and feel, and why you are allowing her to put you in this situation when you are also in a relationship, rather than on her mess. That's the thing you control, and that's the thing you can change, and all we can ever do is worry about our own selves - our desires, our honesty, our integrity. You can't do anything to change her mind or her behavior, but you can change your situation.
    Spygirl and Bluenote like this.
  4. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

    Sep 17, 2015
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    What you are going through is so typical of some bisexual relationships.She wants both sides of the coin and in a way,so do you.You need to communicate with yourself about your needs and what you want out of any relationship.Then after your journey to self-discovery,have 'THE TALK' with this girl and decide which way forward.You both know that you cannot keep stringing each other and your poor boyfriends and fiance along.Be nice to yourself and respect the relationships you choose to have.....
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
  5. Ambient_Bro

    Ambient_Bro New Member

    Oct 15, 2015
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    Thanks for the replies. Yeah it is a mess and I probably eventually posted because I know I need to do something about it, probably starting with a conversation with her so I can move on past it, although I fear I already know how that will go.

    As for me being gay, I don't know she's the only girl I've ever had strong feelings for and I've often though in the past of dating a girl but I never can find what I'm looking for. However in my area there aren't a lot of girls that would give me opportunities to date.

    Thanks again

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