confused but hopeful

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by akara, Feb 7, 2016.

  1. akara

    akara New Member

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    I already feel crazy for writing this. I'll try to be brief.

    There's this girl I really like. We work together at a large firm(she's in HR and I'm administration, but we run into each other quite a bit) and have known each other for about a year now.

    She's 34 and I'm 28, so there's a little bit of an age gap. She's very private, but a mutual friend who has known her for seven years said she's never dated anyone/ is not interested in doing so. She does mention guys from TV shows etc she finds attractive.

    However, last fall we starting hanging out more, and we ended up at her house and cuddled on the couch pretty intensely (facing each other, legs entangled, my head on her chest, etc). The following weeks she invited me over every day, we'd watch TV but mainly just cuddle. Sometimes I'd literally go over just to cuddle for an hour before work. As I know she's never dated before I took it slow. A few weeks later we started cuddling on my bed, my hands up her shirt, etc. It got pretty heated a few times, she'd straddle me, my hands would go under her bra etc. This continued but never went any further. One warning sign did seem to be that while she stroked my thighs etc, she never tried to go up my shirt/ skirt or anything. Most of the touching was done by me, which I was fine with and ascribed to her inexperience.

    Then right before Christmas she stopped inviting me, and started messaging me less, so I figured that was that. I had to travel for work the last month, and the night before I left she came over and ended up crying when we said goodbye. While I was away we messaged constantly the first two weeks, she wrote that she couldn't wait to cuddle me, all these places she wanted to cuddle, etc. Then she became more distant. Now that I'm back in town, she seems reluctant to see me. She says she is busy, but I know she sees other people and I'm so jealous. I just miss cuddling her so much (I'm terrible, I know, but due to all the physical closeness I don't just feel turned on by her, I'm also super attached to her. I physically miss her and have had trouble sleeping). A few days ago we did hang out, and she ended up coming home with me where we sat on my couch. She closed the door so my roommate couldn't see in, took off her sweater and laid in my lap while I stroked her back, stomach, chest etc, but did not cuddle me back. I feel like these are such mixed signals?

    Her family is Hindu, so I wonder if that factors into it. We're based on the west coast, however, while both our families are back east, so I would think she should feel relatively free from their surveillance? But who knows. That's the only thing I can think of. I should also say that I've only dated guys before, so I don't know if she thinks that's a drawback. I've obviously, besides the physical aspect, hinted heavily that I like her/ would like to pursue a relationship with her, but every time I try to steer the convo in that direction she breaks it off. I've never been this in love before, so maybe it's clouding my perspective.

    So my questions are:
    1) is she into me? was she into me?
    2) if yes, what can I do to get her to feel comfortable enough to express it again? I loved seeing her all the time/ cuddling, and miss it so much. But I also feel ridiculous because we never officially dated/ defined anything.
     
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  2. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

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    I think communication is the key here. You should make it clear to her what you want or would want between the two of you and start from there. She likes you. I wouldnt want to cuddle with someone i dont like. So that is not the question. I would suggest talking to her about it. Like maybe set an appointment with agenda? :)
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Ok...in my experience people who are "just friends" don't cuddle or touch, particularly under bras, shirts, etc. There's something there, but it's safer not to acknowledge it because once it's out there -- it can't be taken back.

    I feel like...with no real authority whatsoever, that if she keeps this thing unspoken, then it almost doesn't exist. Maybe she hasn't dated (men) because she knows that she may not be straight...and maybe she hasn't dated at all because of a a strict religious upbringing. Either way, your "friend" is clearly conflicted and probably has a mammoth internal struggle going on -- coming to terms with who she is and, even more importantly, who she likes is probably weighing heavily on her.

    You probably should talk about this; however, you should also be prepared that she's likely not ready to acknowledge anything about it. You've said it yourself -- you bring up the topic of dating or relationship -- she diverts the conversation to something else. So, any conversation about this likely could cause her to retreat into herself and away from you. So you've got a delicate balancing act.

    Perhaps you steer the conversation toward your confusion -- and make it relating to your own self preservation. Ultimately, that's what you need to do anyway because if you never get an answer with her, you'll remain in limbo while setting yourself up for emotional hurt. She should at least have enough respect for you to understand what this is doing to you on an emotional level to give you a definitive answer. Tread carefully, but protect yourself.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Perfect, perfect advice!
     
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  5. akara

    akara New Member

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    I so appreciate the replies. What you said about respect really, deeply resonated with me, Spygirl. I do wonder if she realizes how this makes me feel. She knows that I spend time thinking about her, that I want to see her, etc. It hurts so much that knowing that is not enough for her to actually see me. I wish she would just tell me flat out that she does not want to see me/ cuddle anymore, because then at least I could have some kind of closure and move on.

    I'm just scared to bring it up because I already know what the outcome will be deep down, but the real problem is that she refuses to be in a situation where we could actually have this talk. I've told her on chat that I'd like for her to come over to talk, but she says she can't come over because she is busy. I think it is the avoiding me that is really driving me crazy here.

    It's just hard to understand why someone you are so intimate/close with all of a sudden withdraws. I wonder if she misses it, too, but then at the same time she must not or she would respond when I write, etc. But the fact that the other day it was her who closed the door/ initiated laying on the couch suggests otherwise. After this she's gone MIA again, so I wonder if she regrets it/ feels confused. I do agree that friends don't cuddle this intimately—at least I never have with anyone.

    How can I get her to sit down with me and just talk, honestly, like adults? Because if she doesn't want to come over and see me I can have no closure.
     
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  6. ThenAndNow

    ThenAndNow Member

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    "It's just hard to understand why someone you are so intimate/close with all of a sudden withdraws"

    I can relate to this feeling. I think you should try every avenue to speak to her in order to make things easy for you and her. Also, do not expect her to understand your need and reach out to you or willing to cooperate quickly.

    You said you both work in the same firm, why not ask her to join you for lunch? In any case, you need to let her know how terrible you feel right now regardless of the outcome. In the end, you don't want to waste your time or her time. We all deserve to be in love and happy with a person who is willing to give us that.

    I truly hope you get a chance to meet her and talk it through.

    *Hugs*
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps you should write her a letter or an e-mail -- put everything out in the open so that you can say what you need to say uninterrupted. The perils and pitfalls of doing so is that there's your heart -- in black and white rendered on a page of text -- and it can't be taken back.

    Either way, you are at a crossroads with her -- and she's apt to retreat again as she keeps doing that when the subject matter gets tough. At least, however, you will know you put your thoughts out there and she will have "heard" them so-to-speak. The alternative of not doing so, at least based upon what you've written, seems to yield the same outcome in her withdrawing anyway.
     
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  8. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

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    To answer your questions, I think that she does like you. Many have pointed out the reasons already. However, this looks like a classic girl-discovering-she's-gay-and-freaking-out textbook case.

    I don't think her hot and cold behavior has to do with you specifically, but more with the fact that she has strong feelings and attraction to you and she doesn't know what to do. I think that her Hindu heritage plays a strong role in how she is dealing with this new found desire. Furthermore, even from the distance, family can have an immense influence in her life.

    Coming to terms with one's attraction is difficult. You represent what she wants to most and what she fears the most. One can feel attracted to women in silence so no one knows, not even yourself. Saying out loud you like a woman means to materialize it, and see it live. It means to admit and acknowledge you have a feeling that everyone else in your family think is not right. From experience, I can tell you that it may feel more comfortable to keep the status quo than stir feeling you know are stronger than you - of course it does not mean it is the best thing.

    For your last question, I will not offer advice for you. Here is why: You want to have closure, that is what you want, but it is not what she needs.

    However, if you want to help her with this, you have let her set the pace. If you want her to open up, she needs to feel comfortable and safe, but she can sense you are anxious. You are lucky you figure this out by yourself but she is struggling.

    I think neutral grounds are a better option to have a conversation like this. Work or your/her house provide distractions and a chance to get interrupted or being overheard. You can start by sharing, showing a little vulnerability can inspire her to reciprocate. Maybe she can learn to acknowledge her feelings by the example you set. Although, if you say something don't immediately expect her to do the same. I know you said that you hinted heavily that you like her (I don't know what the means really), but that is not the same as saying it.

    Last but not least, take it easy, go slow. Open your heart first and let it go.

    I wish you all the best.
     
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  9. akara

    akara New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    Once again, thank you very much for all of your advice. Though I haven't posted in a while, I have found myself returning and rereading.

    I saw her a few times since I last posted. We went on very normal friend outings, movies, dinner, etc, and nothing noteworthy happened. Though I was slightly disappointed (she's just so attractive!) about this, i really did enjoy just spending time and catching up. It made me remember that we started off as friends, which in itself was lovely. Then one day after we hung out, and I was already home, she asked if she could come over. As soon as she walked into my room she basically jumped on my couch and leaned against me so I could nuzzle her neck, and several minutes later we were back to the intense cuddling on my bed. We did this for a few hours, and it felt as if things were back to before. However, the following two days I did not hear from her, which made me feel a little used? I think there is no denying that she's attracted to me, as it is her who cannot stay away and clearly wants to be physically intimate (though things have not progressed beyond the usual 'heavy petting'). However, I guess I am starting to realize that I cannot do that if that now means that she's cold with me in between these moments.

    She traveled for work the past two weeks so I haven't seen her. The day before she left I invited her over so we could talk, and I basically told her that I felt hurt by how things had developed and how she suddenly appeared to have stopped caring. She replied saying that I was important to her, and that she was dealing with a lot of other stuff but would try to be more communicative. That was the last time we spoke, even though I emailed her a few times (I stopped when she did not reply). I guess this gives me my answer, but I am just very hurt that she would sit on my couch and tell me that everything is fine, only to then immediately following that disappear. I don't know. I guess she's been leading me on all along. It's sad to view the great times we spent together in that lens, and I'll try to think of them fondly, but for now I'm just very angry about the entire thing. I suppose that's the first stage of moving on?

    Thanks again to all of you.
     
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  10. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like she is very inexperienced and probably waiting for you to make the first move. If you can't bring yourself to do more than cuddle, like kiss her, then you at least need to talk to her and tell her how you feel about her. Let her know what your expectations are and ask what hers are. If she brings up the fact that there are other things in her life that are keeping her from going any further ask her what those things are. You'll never know anything unless you talk to her about it.
     
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