Confused and afraid

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by alicebird, Jul 10, 2013.

  1. alicebird

    alicebird Member

    Jul 10, 2013
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    Hey everyone,
    not sure if this is the right place to be posting this but I felt like I needed to vent all of this out somewhere,
    it's really hard to be dealing with everything alone and hopefully at least someone here will take the time to read this.

    So basically I'm pretty unsure about my sexuality right now..
    I mean I fairly recently broke up with a guy I had been with for over 3 years,
    and though I'm sad and I still miss him and all, I've been noticing I'm having more and more
    strong feelings towards girls, rather than guys.
    I'm really confused by all of this, just because I was in love with him for so long and have never really dated a girl before, and I'm not sure how I really feel or how to figure it out.
    I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone, which in a way is a bit crazy I guess,
    cause my sister is gay she's even married (or civil union or whatever) and all of our family is so supportive and
    I know none of my friends are homophobic or anything like that, we even have friends in common who are gay.
    Yet somehow I just don't know how to talk about this with anyone,
    and I don't know why. I guess I just feel like because I was with my boyfriend for so long, everyone thinks I'm straight
    and it's too difficult for me to tell them I'm actually bisexual, especially while I'm still questioning it myself.
    I'm so afraid my loved ones are gonna look at me differently, like cause in general I'm a really affectionate person (hugging my friends a lot, walking hand in hand) I'm sometimes afraid that if my friends knew I was bi, they'd start thinking of me doing stuff like that differently.. Or like my parents.. As supportive as they are and I know they will always love my sister, I still do feel like they talk differently about her relationship and her wife and all than about my other sister's marriage to her husband. It's hard to explain, but there is a difference, like my dad can ask my sis things like "where is your wife? or should i call her your husband?" It's hard to explain, but just little hints that they're not always entirely ok with it. And I know very well that they actually don't like my sister's wife, not cause she's a woman but just don't like her personality ect. so i'm just not sure if the differences are to do with her being gay or just specifically who she's married to.
    I'm really close to especially my mom, and I'm really afraid of our relationship changing.

    I also feel really scared of my own feelings sometimes
    because of how much hate I see around me all the time, directed towards gay people. I mean my family is so loving and supportive, but all around the media for example.. We're not even close to getting equal marriage rights through here in Finland and half of the current government is homophobics and racists who are spewing out so much hate all the time. I feel like I'm trying to change or suffocate my feelings, even though I already know it's not possible. But I feel like because of all my fears and anxiety, I can't really freely try to figure out how I feel and what I want. I'm just too scared all the time.
    I also already suffer from depression and I think keeping everything bottled up inside is just making my feelings worse.

    Sorry for the extremely long rant post, I'm really hoping someone will take the time to read this anyway,
    I could use some advice or at least someone to talk to..
    Thanks in advance
  2. Cazza

    Cazza Active Member

    Jul 3, 2013
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    It sounds like your growing attraction to women has taken you by surprise. A shock to the system if you like, however it doesn't always necessarily mean you like women in that way. It's normal for you to feel apprehensive given what you've written, however you shouldn't let it dictate what you do or who you are in this particular instance. I would look at this as an opportunity, to discover yourself and whether you like women in that way. I think it's a bit too early to suddenly label yourself and I for one am not keen on labels. I think in some instances the need/want to label things can add to the pressure.

    You are fortunate in one way in that you have a sister who is gay :) You don;t have to go through this alone. Your sister most likely is going be more experience and has probably gone through similar emotions and feelings that you are now experiencing. If you have a good relationship with her, I would chat to her and discuss with her the feelings you are having; she may be able to provide you with some insights and support. And more importantly point you in the direction of where to find the ladies ;)

    Let us know how you get on alicebird.
  3. Brandy Alexander

    Brandy Alexander Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I agree with Cazza. I don't like labels either. Labels are generic and people are not. I think labels do a great injustice to individuals. I don't believe you need to label yourself. You should learn and explore your varied emotions. I do believe, if your sister is receptive to talking about being gay and experiencing different emotions towards the same sex you should indeed talk to her.

    I'm often misunderstood when I say it's in the kiss for me. I dated guys. I had long-term boyfriends and had sexual relations with them, however, it wasn't until a girl kissed me did I understand the "birds-and-the-bees". The clouds parted and the sun shone down on me in that instant. I knew without a doubt I was gay. I don't know if you will have the same or similar experience, but you have to explore to find out. It did NOT take me kissing a guy to realize I was gay. It actually took me kissing a girl to know. I grew up in a time without internet, without LGBT clubs, and without political correctness. I didn't have anyone to talk too. I didn't know really anything about being gay because it wasn't a subject anyone talked about. You're luck even though your government is homophobic at least there are some outlets for you to explore. You have more access to discovering your true emotions and expressing them then any other time in history. Take things slow and learn as much as you can. I hope you find answers to your confusing thoughts and emotions.

    Good Luck. Let us know how things progress.
  4. iLikeyShuffle

    iLikeyShuffle Member

    Jul 12, 2013
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    Hey :)

    Venting is good don't apologise for it! Clearly no ones experience is the same but I'm going to throw in my opinion anyway :p When I was confused the best thing I did was be sure of my sexuality (as sure as you can be anyway) before I came out to people, it strengthened my resolve. As for not being able to talk to people who you know would be accepting about your sexuality, I think that's more to do with people judging you, it may be irrational but I still am not very comfortable talking to my brother about girls and he is one of my best friends, talk to a randomer (like me! :p) I think if you want to discuss things openly without fear of judgement. Also while your sisters relationship makes her a better person to talk to, her relationship with her partner is not something to base your future possible female partners reception on, as you said her family don't particularly like this girls personality. I am from Ireland which isn't anywhere near marriage equality so I understand where you are coming from but you can't let that stop you, the people who hate on you aren't worth your consideration. Sorry that my sentences are so long and rambling!
  5. alicebird

    alicebird Member

    Jul 10, 2013
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    Thank you guys so much for your replies,
    I really more than appreciate all the help and advice!

    I really would like to talk to my sister about all this, and if this was 2-3 years ago
    I definitely would. We used to be really close, but she's changed so much lately
    and it's so difficult to talk to her about anything, let alone something I'm a little uncomfortable and shy about.
    She's really irritable these days, and she doesn't really care about other people's feelings.
    She's constantly rude to our parents and to be honest I think her wife gets the worst of it. I of course love my sister,
    but she wasn't always abusive and argumentative and just.. constantly angry like this. So these days,
    I just wouldn't know how to talk to her at all.

    I really hear you guys about not labeling myself too early though, I generally tend to dislike labels too,
    I guess this all has just got me a little confused and sometimes I feel like everyone else
    is pushing me to define myself so quickly. Or they're already doing it for me, which I dislike even more.
    It's partly also probably just me feeling uncomfortable about there being something I'm not sharing with my family,
    in general. I'm really close with especially my mother, and I just feel odd and guilty and just.. not good about
    having something I'm not talking to her about. But I just wouldn't know what to say.

    I guess I should experiment and just try to discover things, I just.. I wouldn't even know where to meet
    a girl that could be interested in me/that I could be interested in.
    I wouldn't know how to find an opportunity to experience things, and figure out how I feel...

    Thank you guys so much again for the replies though,
    I'm so happy just to be able to talk about this with someone :)
  6. Ladyelf07

    Ladyelf07 Member

    Jul 19, 2013
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    Im from the Philippines, but im working as a nurse here in Saudi Arabia. I knew i was a lesbian for a long a long time now but coming from a catholic family i was so afraid to be myself in front of them. I was afraid that they would disown me and those who are close to me will just leave me. So i got married and had kid but through out the relationship i never been that happy. How could I be, I've never been true to myself. I got a chance to find someone that will make me happy but never pursue on it and ende up hurting her feeling. I just hope that i would have a courage to face this soon.
  7. Kaste

    Kaste Member

    Jul 20, 2013
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    Dear Alicebird,

    Your situation is a bit different from mine, but I've also been strugling with coming out for years (can't even dare to say how many!). Every now and then the topic of relationships and why I don't have a boyfriend would pop up with family and friends and I felt like I needed to come out, but felt it was just impossible to get the words out of my mouth.

    Lately my sister has been giving a lot of hints about how supportive she is for gay people. It has made me realize that I am just as normal as anyone else and I have the right to be happy. My sister is my best friend and I've felt so bad for such a long time for not telling her. She has given me so many opportunities and still I have chickened out. This weekend I was at a cottage with my sister and her boyfriend and the boyfriend asked me all the possible questions about why I'm not dating and how he would have a really good guy for me. When I said I wasn't interested he said he also has a lot of good women for me. It was the perfect moment to come out, but I just got up and said I was tired and went to sleep. I couldn't sleep all night and in the morning I though I had to tell them. I still couldn't do it. I felt like such a coward.

    Today I was getting really upset about it and I knew I would get depressed sooner or later if I didn't come out to my sister at least. So I invited her for lunch and there were many awkward silent moments. Then I just couldn't stand it any longer, so I drew "I'm gay" on my ipad and I told my sister I needed to tell her something. I finally came out! My sister took it so well. She said she didn't care at all and that she will always love me. She also said she'd known for a while, but she also asked me how long I had known myself. When I said forever, she just hugged me. After I told her I just felt like a huge elephant had left the room. We started looking at old pictures and everything was back to normal. No awkwardness at all.

    Right now I'm so releaved. I feel like this was the huge first step I had to take, and now it feels easier to start thinking about coming out to friends and perhaps even my parents. But that'll take a while.

    I don't know if this helps you at all, I just wanted to share this with you. I also live in Finland (Helsinki), so if you need someone to ventilate your thoughts with, I'm here.

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