Confused af

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Lollapalouza, Jan 7, 2017.

  1. Lollapalouza

    Lollapalouza Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Heey everyone and thanks in advance for reading (and hopefully giving me some advice)!

    So Ive been sorta going out with this girl. On our 3rd date I expressed my interest in her but she basically told me that she has been hurt in the past (her last relationship was like a month or 2 ago) and doesnt wanna rush things and she wants to be friends first blah blah and when i asked if that meant that i could date other people, her reply was "if that's what you want".

    Normally I would have already moved on, but I really like her.. I had told her that im going out with other people along with her and that I dont like to define myself in terms of sexuality. And i fear that i might have come off as a player.. At the same time when we go out, she won't ask me many questions or engage in deep convos. Same with texts. I don't know what to do.. we haven't spoken for a week now cause i have been waiting for her to make a move but what should i do? Should I text her, should I let her go..? I really like her..
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Pardon the cliche, but she really doesn't sound like she's that into you. If she wanted to date you, she'd reach out, ask questions, arrange dates. Even if she was super shy and cautious, she would find some way of getting in touch and letting you know that she was interested (I have some excruciatingly awkward email/text exchanges with my now-wife to demonstrate how nervous gunshy girls (me) can keep trying even when they super do not know what they are doing. She did the asking every time, but dammit, I kept letting her know that I wanted her to.)

    People sometimes say they're "not ready" for a relationship, or want to go slow, or just want to be friends first, as a way to cover that they do not feel as interested in someone as they think they should be or would like to be. She might really like the idea of you in theory, but not be feeling much connection in person; she might want to be in a relationship, or think that she should be dating, but not be ready to be open and vulnerable after what happened in the past. Either way, what it translates to is "I don't want to be in a relationship right now or with you."

    That's all just guessing, so you should ask the person who knows: her. I am generally a fan of laying your cards on the table. "I like you and I'd like to keep getting to know you. I don't mind going slow or building a friendship before anything else, but I would like to know that we are both interested in going somewhere. Is that also something you want?" She might say yes, or she might say, you know what, no, I don't. She might not really say anything, which also gives you an answer. (If that's the conversation you already had, then I think her hedging is really a "no" in a lot of words.)

    And if you get anything less than enthusiastic interest/consent, consider whether you really want to be pursuing someone who feels "meh" about you. It's great to really like someone, but ultimately relationships are about what is between you, not just how great a potential partner is, and it's what you can build together that matters.
     
    #2
    Bluenote likes this.
  3. Lollapalouza

    Lollapalouza Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    First off thank you very much for your reply.
    I agree and know you are right. What "confuses" me (and it might as well be my wishful thinking) is that basically yes, that was the conversation we had BUT. When I told her "i dont know what you are thinking cause you dont seem much interested" her reply was "we've been out 3 times already is that what you think?".
    When she said that we should start off as friends, I started getring ready to leave and the moment i did that, she started talking to me about the randomnest things, as if she didn't want me to leave like that (including asking me about things that as she told me she learnt by a mutual friend -which means she asked about me). Generally she will text me with random comments on my insta pics sometimes and she did sent me first a happy new year text.
    But i cant understand if those are signs of someone who is playing or someone who just does't want to get hurt..

    And since I did ask and her reply was the one i mentioned, I dont know if the best approach is to ignore her so that she comes to me, text her first or if she is a player to make up my mind and let go..
     
    #3
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    That is confusing, but I actually think it's more of a red flag than a sign that you should proceed.

    Relationships - friendships, romantic partnership, tolerating your coworkers - are basically giant exercises in communication. When you straight up told this woman, "Hey, not understanding your signals of interest, little help/comprehension check please?" she responded by basically saying "you should get this." Note that she didn't say, "Oh, that I have gone on three dates with you means I am interested." Or, "Yeah, I get quiet and nervous, but I really am interested! I see how you could misinterpret that." Nope, she says basically "How could you possibly not understand what three dates means?"

    I don't think she's playing, but I think she is both holding her feelings cards real close and operating under the Good Girlfriends Are Mindreaders delusion. You are going to keep being confused by her, I think, and she is going to keep thinking that she is being super clear and that you should already understand her. She is going to think that her intent - communicating her interest by showing up on a date, or sitting through a quiet dinner - is the important part, rather than how it affects you - you can't tell whether she's all in or bored out of her mind. Without working on this basic communication mismatch, this is going to be a pretty frustrating experience for both of you.

    So, I revise my opinion slightly: I still think she's not into you/this relationship in the ways that count, but that she isn't going to tell you that directly, both for reasons of duty (she should want to be in a relationship, she should be into a girl like you) and because of her subtle-to-the-point-of-nonexistant communication style. Your decision therefore isn't based on what she tells you, because she thinks she has already answered the question to everyone's satisfaction but you have no idea what's going on. Instead, I wonder if these questions will help you decide to pursue something with her or not:
    1) She probably is not going to be willing to change how she communicates (at least in the short term, and possibly for much longer). Are you okay with/interested in learning to read her behavior and guess accurately enough at her intent for a relationship to function? (Or, are you willing to put up with being confused af in the meantime?)
    2) Do you want to spend time with someone who, outwardly, shows only middling interest in you? (And I'm kind of curious, what do you talk about if she doesn't ask questions or have deep conversations?)
    3) She might get more comfortable and open with you - but also she might not. It's always worth asking yourself how long this particular state of affairs will be tolerable to you - three more dates? six months? three years? What do you like about her, and is it contingent on her sharing more/getting into deeper conversations? Or is it okay if what you've seen so far is what you get?
    If you want to pursue this relationship, I am going to hazard a guess that she is going to keep expecting you to do the pursuing and asking, and that waiting for her to text you is going to send a signal that you are not interested, whether that it what you intend or not. Ignoring, therefore, carries a pretty big risk of ending this association now. If you want to change the dynamic that your three dates have set up, you have to talk about that, rather than changing the game without letting her know. So if that is your best case scenario, you should probably be the initiator with a plan to put the ball clearly in her court for next time.

    And if doing all that work for a relationship that's barely off the ground seems like too much (which it might to me!), then that's a reason to move on, too.
     
    #4
  5. Lollapalouza

    Lollapalouza Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you so much. Honestly everything you just said was on point. I did need to hear all these from someone..
    Going in a relationship like that seems to do more bad than good and since what I want is a partner and not a passive aggressive brat then I should be ending this asap.

    As for what we've been talking about, according to her she had told me the most important things about her and I should just "chill". In the beginning when we started texting, we texted quite a lot with her complaining when I hadn't texted her one day saying that it should be mutual, but ever since we started actually "dating" that stopped with her texts being short and without questions. She would sometimes make me feel that the fact that I don't want to label myself -despite the fact that I was clear about liking women or the fact that I was going out with other girls made her feel uncomfortable.
    Also, I'm the type who takes her time and I had told her that, so when she had told me that she had told her friends about me, I told her that only one friend knows. I had also made the mistake of insisting I had told her something to which she had no memory of and telling me that "I had probably said that to some other girl" which did end up being true..which I suppose didn't help either now that I think about it..
    And she had told me that in her previous 2 relationships her partners treated her awfully which might explain that either she's into drama or that she's still too scared.

    It's true that I have been passive aggressive with her too but that was when she had come at my place and laid on my couch freaking chilling with her phone at hand! Now you don't do that when you're interested in someone. But when I told her that if she's tired she should just leave, she didn't want to. Same applied to me telling her that if she's tired/bored and doesn't wanna hang out I could just leave and she would tell me to stay. Making me think that she's only interested when she's about to lose me.

    Thank you once again for taking the time to write everything so clearly. And I'll follow your advice cause no one deserves that much drama -life is tough enough without all that bs!
     
    #5
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2017
  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    638
    Likes Received:
    596
    Yeah, it sounds like this is not a great recipe for success - you guys have been mis-communicating, and it sounds like there are some different expectations around what being in a relationship means (exclusivity, sharing info with friends, how often you communicate, what you talk about) etc. And three dates is not deep enough in to have a whole bunch of stuff to fix already! (Or to have run out of important things to say about yourself, IMO - I am still discovering things about my wife, 7+ years in.)

    I'll admit, I've been prone to the "well, if this was really meant to be, my partner would just get me and I wouldn't have to explain" black hole myself. It's easy enough to do, even if it's a sure-fire way to end up behaving/being treated in ways that are passive-aggressive and counter-productive. And the best thing that I've learned from having those expectations/beliefs challenged is that I can just say things to people who care about me, and if we trust and love each other, they will take it in the best possible light. For example, saying, "Hey, it's okay if you don't want to talk right now! Why don't I give you some space to chill on your phone and you can find me once you've recharged?" or "I don't love trying to have a conversation through your phone, so I'm gonna get some stuff done that will take about 30 minutes. After that, let's go get coffee and leave the phone at home." Or even, "We don't have to hang out if you're not feeling social right now. I think it's time for me to run some errands and you to go home. I'll call you later!"

    In none of these scenarios am I saying "Please put down your phone and pay attention to me or I'm going to pout," and because we really know and trust each other, my friends/wife make a choice based on their/my needs, not my manipulative feelings. It takes a lot of practice to communicate and react this way, but it is super worth it. People who freak out when you clearly state your expectation/desire/boundary and think you are being rude or mean - well, they are going to play the politeness and mind-reading game. Good friends and good partners can hear that clarity for what it is, and assess their hurt feelings or surprise as their reaction, not your problem.

    Anyway, good luck finding a partner and communicating with potential partners in ways that are healthy, clear, and positive. Doing that is basically the work of adulthood, and lots of people don't master it, but it's definitely worth the effort if you can get close.
     
    #6
    Bluenote likes this.
  7. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    Honestly, it sounds like this girl doesn't know how to behave on a date. And it sounds as though, even though you like her, you don't really like a lot of her behavior (and maybe visa versa) so 'long term' you two won't really make a good couple. (By long term I mean in a few months when the honeymoon infatuation bit wears off).

    1) She doesn't seem to know how to behave on a date. This is pretty straightforward - dating is actually about - dating. The fun bit about dating is being attracted to someone, having chemistry, getting dressed up, having someone dress up for you, going to new or cool places, etc...

    Going on dates (even when my wife and I do date night) is a bit artificial and - it is supposed to be a bit artificial. You try to put your best foot forward, make it a fun evening / afternoon for everyone. And yes, you are trying to figure out if you have chemistry with each other. That doesn't mean that you have to hop into bed on the first date, but it does mean do you have physical and sexual compatibility. If things don't work out, you still have some memories from that evening "Yeah, Tandori is a really great restaurant, I went there with...umh....umh....what's-her-name. But the food was so, so good."

    If she is laying around on your couch playing with her phone during what is supposed to be the 'best behavior, high attraction' stage, what is she going to be like in 6 months, or 2 years when the pretense of best behavior is gone?

    2) You don't seem to like a lot of her behavior and she doesn't seem to like a lot of yours. She seems to want to hang out with you "in the friend zone" while calling it dating. You seem to want to have some sort of clarity - are we dating or not, do you actually like me? So you are in the friend zone, but then feel defensive about how you label yourself (it is 100% cool to not like labels beyond 'yes, I am into dating girls), about dating other people, etc...

    My wife and I were friends first before we dated. We met through friends of friends and hung out at first as part of a larger group. Even so, there was instant chemistry between us. Even as 'friends' I was really drawn to her and she was really drawn to me. With all the nervous, cute, trying to play cool while checking my phone 100 times a day to see if she texted me that you would expect...

    3) tl;dr
    In my experience, girls who say they want to date you, but then really just hang out with you in the friend zone aren't actually ready to date. They like the idea of a gf (or the idea of dating a girl), but aren't actually into the details of dating a girl.

    And yes, you deserve more than hanging out in the friend zone and calling it dating.


    My relationship with my first gf was like that. She was out and had been for awhile, to the point where she was pretty 'in your face' about it. (Not that there is anything wrong with that). I think she liked the idea of having a gf much more than she ever actually liked me. She wanted to be very out to people around us and handholdy in public. But she didn't want lots of heart to heart talks, cuddling in private, even much kissing. I was always stuck not being enough for her (not being 100% out and proud) and being too much for her (always wanting more affection, making out, etc...)

    I see some similarities to what you are going through. You feel like you aren't enough, but you also aren't getting what you want.

    I am not sure why you like this girl so much (maybe she is really hot?) But I just don't see this working out. I think you are better off moving on.
     
    #7
    Spygirl and lorienczhiu like this.
  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2013
    Messages:
    743
    Likes Received:
    1,058
    I can't give better advice than the last two posts -- but I will say this:

    You've gone on ONLY 3 dates and she's behaving this way. When you're really into someone, this should be the infatuation/newness/excitement stage. 3 dates isn't always enough to tell if the dating will progress into a relationship, but if she's not acting like she's into you...then maybe you shouldn't waste your time with her.
     
    #8
    Bluenote likes this.
  9. Lollapalouza

    Lollapalouza Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0

    Truth be told, I half-blame it on me, cause despite the fact that other girls that I'm currently dating are much better, nicer, show interest in me and basically offer good material for a relationship (if I dare say so), I find myself thinking this one girl who (and no she is not that hot) ignores me.

    And despite the fact that I am very aware of the fact that she's no good, I'm still hang up, probably because at the end of the day, maybe I don't want to invest in a relationship and when you know the other party is not interested, you can blame it on your bad luck/her/etc instead of admitting that "I'm fine being single, I'm not ready". Or because I've been so broken hearted before that at least in her case, I know she's "not that into me" so I won't have any nasty surprises in the end.

    Maybe it's a selfish thing from both of us. I should probably mention that we are both very competitive to the point that I beat her in a game and then was a dick about it (we're both brats when it comes to stuff like that, bragging etc). Maybe that's why we'd fit each other though! And what a healthy relationship that would be!

    Thank you for the advice and for taking time to help me figure this out. I think that at the end, instead of trying to figure out her behaviour I should probably help figuring out mine.
     
    #9
  10. Lollapalouza

    Lollapalouza Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2017
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm partially to blame too, but I will agree with you. I think that it's a combination of her not knowing what to do and not being interesting all that much. Being cautious (seeing how i date other people etc) could be the cherry on top.

    On our 2nd date she had taken me on a car ride to show me her favourite place in the city and because I didn't wanna leave, she had told me that she'd take me there "the next time". And sometimes when we'd watch a movie etc I'd catch her looking at me when she thought I was too absorbed on the screen. She also hinted that she had asked her friends about me (which shows a certain level of interest I think). Hence my confusion.

    But maybe she was just playing after all..
     
    #10

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice