Conflicting sex drives...what do I do?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by begemot, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. begemot

    begemot Active Member

    Oct 27, 2013
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    My girlfriend and I have been dating for four months. I have never really had a relationship last this long before. I'm 25 and basically have had a lot of bad luck dating ever since I came out at 19. I moved around a lot in the past 6 years and had a couple of sexual relationships, but never really anything that lasted more than a couple of months. I also had a really intense emotional love with a closeted girl who wouldn't be physically intimate when I was abroad, which was really emotional taxing and took a big toll on my self esteem (I was 21, it was the first time I was in love and basically got myself into this really emotionally unhealthy relationship). Before I met my girlfriend, who I will call D, I hadn't had a girlfriend in about 3 years and hadn't been intimate with anyone in a while.

    The first three and a half months were pretty great. I met her online and it was the sort of thing where even reading her profile I had a hunch we were going to hit it off in a way that I never had on that site before. We have taken a couple of weekend trips together, saw a bunch of each other, communicated well and had lots of fun. We both have our anxieties and arent perfect, but what couple is? Being intimate with her was lovely and we had great chemistry. In the past few weeks, she moved into a new housing situation after her lease expired. Finding affordable housing in our city is pretty hard and by coincidence the roommates that accepted her to live in their house live about 10 minutes from me, which is a lot closer than before. And after she moved, I have noticed a drastic change in her behavior towards me. It seems like her interest in being intimate has all but disappeared. She was never the most sexual person, but I felt loved and desired and she would go out of her way to make me feel special, to touch me, to cuddle or spend the night.

    Now it is hard to get her to spend time at my apartment. She said she prefers to be in her own bed, is often "too tired" to have sex (mind you, her work schedule is hard and she has to get up very early, so I understand this), she texts less and is less verbally affectionate. I have no idea what happened, but I'm an anxious person who has always (and perhaps somewhat understandably) been insecure about rejection in relationships. I have told her several times that this has been bothering me and she said she would work on it, but I haven't noticed much progress so far. My stomach is a nervous mess and I find myself crying a lot because I don't know what to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking in circles and can't manage to express what I'm feeling. She says she's also not sure why her sex drive has suddenly switched off and that she wishes she could find a way to make sex more rewarding for her like it was in the past. I would love to spice things up, especially if it would make her happier, but she just came out and is sort of sheltered when it comes to sex, especially with two women. I am not sure what to do at this point. My roommate keeps quoting dan savage and saying sexual compatibility is important. I know this, but I know we have chemistry and had it before. I don't want to break up with her because I love her and until recently things were going swimmingly. I would hate to break up just because of this thing, at least at this point. Has anyone been in this situation or can anyone offer tips? I just want to bring that special spark back. It pains me that in the last few weeks our relationship has become like an old married couple.
  2. mymindinthegutter2

    mymindinthegutter2 New Member

    Jul 4, 2014
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    Hey Begemot,

    I'm actually in a similar situation except... I'm basically sitting in your girlfriend's seat. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 1/2 years and we've been great EXCEPT for our 'conflicting sex drives'. In the beginning we were at it as often as we can because we were in a LDR (until she moved to my city) so every time we get together, we were intimate. In the last year or so, we getting less intimate. This was fine by me because I don't define the status of my relationship with the frequency of sex.

    However, she did NOT agree with me in that thought process. We would have multiple conversations (aka fights) and I would try my best to alleviate the situation. I tried to communicate more and show my affections in different ways (and try my hardest to improve the sex drive). I'm usually too tired to have sex because of my abnormal work schedule so she's pretty understanding. She also used to complain about how I don't really text/talk to her as much as I did when we first started going out. I guess I got too comfortable and now, I try to reach out to her as much as I can. She would always want me to sleep over but sometimes I do feel more comfortable in my bed but we reached a compromise. She's definitely a lot happier now.

    For me, the frequency of sex doesn't matter. I rather snuggle next to her on the couch watching a B rated romantic movie, or cuddle in bed where we talk for hours and laugh or watch ridiculous youtube videos that has no significance whatsoever.

    My advice for you is, try to have a sit down with her again (but hold back on your anxiousness, sometimes it might not help with the situation. When some people get too anxious, I would try to say things that they would want to hear rather than what I mean).

    First of all, has she been in this situation where her sex drive decides to drive itself off the cliff? Second, I know you mentioned she just came out, was this while you were dating or before you were dating? There could be external factors that may be stressing her out or causing her to feel this way. Third, have you told her how you really felt or did you 'sugar coat' it in a way that she might not find it a big deal? I'm mentioning this because I didn't really realize how my gf really felt until she broke it down for me. She would drop hints and mention it a little here and there but never a "full sit down talk". This situation seems to call for this kind of action because obviously you seem very distraught over it.

    Another question I have is does she show her intimacy in other ways? For me I find that cuddling seems more intimate than sex sometimes. Your gf might be one of those people or maybe not....

    I'm not sure how helpful I was but good luck tho!

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