Complicated when it shouldn't be

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by Valentne, Apr 18, 2015.

  1. Valentne

    Valentne New Member

    Apr 18, 2015
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    Hi everyone,

    I'm new here, and I recently started to see girls. I need some advises please :)

    I've always been attracted to a specific style of women but never acted on it. It just didn't happen. I don't know if it's just emotional.

    But since I broke up with my ex boyfriend of 4 years, I took "some time off" for myself to move on, trying to be sensitive and finally started to date again. But just recently, and with girls.

    I'm not a lesbian, I can't say Bi either as I haven't slept with a women (yet) to really know how it feels like. But I am definitely curious. I consider myself femme and independent but easly approachable. I'm 28 photographer in London. I have always being dating guys, all good but I want a bit of change and I want to know if I'm missing out on something that I have been always curious to experiment.

    First time I kissed a girl recently, my first thought was: if I can feel all this with a girl as much as with a guy, I wish everyone could experienced that. It's beautiful.

    But so far, honestly, I feel that girls are very complicated and it's a huge turn off for me. Even in this forum you do have a section called "does she likes me". Why not just going there and finding out? What would you wait, and put yourself in that position of torture.

    I'm someone who is direct but gentle, and walk ahead for something I want, I try. It's not easy. I understand if someone is extremely shy, I guess that's an other issue.

    I made recently one or two lesbian friends but they openly told me that they like to be approached. Fair enough, but what if none comes? Haha one of them is actually a beautiful girl, and super nice so she doesn't even need to worry but for me, if I was attracted to her and I knew that she prefer to wait most of the time.. it would lose all the charm as I see that such not having much personality. Witting the LGB community or just hetero, same deal.

    Or worst, you get invited for a drink, you get on amazingly and not just in a sexual way and slowly things drift away without explanation. With guys I never had these issues, you know they like you or not. There is nothing inbetween, and if there is, you know it's just physical and you deal with it. And I'm not taking about basta*** or people who have problems.

    I just want to know, and maybe that's a stupid question BUT are girls really that complicated? Is it maybe a age thing? Shall I go for older women like I used to for men? (28-33)

    It's a huge turn off for me. I just think that things can be simpler, there is much more important stuff going in the world than making someone else or yourself, confused.

    I also read inbetween the forum topics someone asking if that girl or whatever liked her as she became less available and everyone was very positive about it. I would just say, drop it. Why? Because your time is the most precious thing. And being positive but with a goal makes you a happier person. I work in a really competitive and busy industry, but if someone I like drop a message to meet up, I show that I'm available. That person would never even doubt. And I would appreciate that too from someone else. Obviously.

    Doesn't have to be perfect.

    So, do actually lesbians really understand each other? I want to meet someone and see furtherer but so far, this push me toward going back to fully straight. And it's a bit disappointing.

    Would love to hear your opinions x

  2. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I find it interesting that you think people complicate things or overthink when you are doing the same thing.

    People are complicated, not just lesbians or women... people. We come in all kinds of colors, shades, complexities and simplicities. Sometimes, even all of the above. That is what is so fascinating about people.

    My question to you is why not go there and find out.
    Farore, Spygirl, aussie_gabby and 2 others like this.
  3. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    It's not a good idea to draw conclusions from a small or skewed sample. It's not wise to fall prey to confirmation bias.

    Not everyone is in your same circumstance, perhaps walk a mile in their shoes before judging.

    Different people have different desires, different turn ons and turn offs. Just because it doesn't work for you, doesn't mean it doesn't work.

    1) Not all lesbians will be like your two friends. Maybe if you'd surveyed 100,000 lesbians you'd have something approaching data. But two people isn't a big enough group to represent 'all lesbians.'

    2) Likewise, the 'Does She Like Me' threads here are skewed. People who have problems post. For every poster there could be 1,000 happy lesbians who have it all sorted. So don't judge 'all lesbians' based on the few who have issues.

    3) Confirmation bias is when you hold a belief and discount information that counters that belief. Hetero relatioships were easy for you, so you assume that is how they are for all heteros. But that is not true. There are advice columns for heteros and 'does s/he like me,' is a common question.

    4)I live in a place where it's ok to be out. I have legal protection and people aren't ignorant about homosexuality.

    Not everyone lives like that. Plenty of DSLM posters are closeted or semi-closeted, are in environments where people are ignorant and homophobic. If they misread signals and hit on a straight girl (or repressed gay girl) they may be outed or worse. It's understandable that they are very reluctant to 'make a move' on a girl. Hence some of the DSLM agonizing.

    5) And some people are just into different things than you. Some girls really like to take charge. Some girls really like to be pursued. There is room in the world for the chasers and the pursuees to get together and be happy. And there is room for people who like things to be more equal to get together.

    6) Do lesbians understand each other? Well, I know a number of posters here are married or in ltrs.
    So yes, some lesbians understand each other.
    Farore, aussie_gabby and rac like this.
  4. Valentne

    Valentne New Member

    Apr 18, 2015
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    I understand.

    I didn't mean I only have two lesbians friends, and I'm not saying lesbians are bad and heteros are good. Not at all. Actually I had a lot of fun going out most of the time than I would with hetero friends. But it's the next stage that is slower from my experience.

    Maybe that just London. Maybe guys are more use to go and chat up with girls. Maybe that's just a false conclusion. I have personally no problem to go an chat up people I like and it worked out well the other night but feels like you never know with girls haha okay, not all of them. But it's totally new for me.

    I'm definitely going there to find out, but for some reason I thought it would be actually easier because everyone is a woman. Maybe it's a bit naive. I just found it a little complicated that it should be. Maybe girls are more cautious.

    That's just my first impression.

    But there is more to it, and that's what it makes me curious about it.

    And also, I think it depends where you live and ages. London is pretty lonely in a way for anyone, nine comes here to live but fr their career and girls younger than me mostly feels too young. So I'm thinking to make some changes and see within a couple of months if it feels right for me.

    Thank you for taking some time to reply, really appreciate it :)
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I lived in London in my late teens to my mid 20s, before I moved to the countryside. As a young 'un I burnt the candle at both ends and had a whale of a time. Sometimes I would approach girls that took my eye and other times I would be approached. I'm not terribly out going so making initial contact can be a little daunting for me but if I want to meet someone I will. Some people are the type to initiate a hello and other people are shy and prefer others to make the first move. Older girls may not be out in bars to the small hours,so you may find them in other places where you may have a similar interest or even try online.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2015
    Bluenote likes this.
  6. Valentne

    Valentne New Member

    Apr 18, 2015
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    Nancy, that's exactly what I thought. Maybe I wasn't going to the right places etc but there is no rush really, if it happens, then it will be.
  7. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    Yes, women are complicated. And, so is being a lesbian. The most complicated part about being a lesbian or bisexual woman is trying to figure out if another woman is straight or gay. That's why we wonder if she's into us. The cues can be hard to tell because if you take something from the aspect of one woman expressing interest in another woman those same actions can be made by a straight woman with no romantic interest in woman. Confusing? Yep, you bet it is. If you're looking for a clear indication of whether a woman wants to be with you versus being your friend you'll just have to ask them. But, then you stand the chance of offending those women who had no idea you thought they were flirting with you or interested in you.

    Good luck.

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