Completely broken and lost.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Lostgirl, Jan 27, 2016.

  1. Lostgirl

    Lostgirl New Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I've just been reading other posts to get help for my situation and then I thought I'd ask for advice or just express and vent hopefully gain outside perspective.

    My ex GF broke up with me last week, she asked me to marry her 6 weeks previously and I said I saw my future with her and wanted to marry her but wanted to set up our lives first and make a home.
    My family are just coming around to the idea and I felt if I have it more time they could be happy for me. I felt we had our whole lives to plan our wedding.

    After this she was understandably hurt and confused and became withdrawn and cold, I tried to make it up to her and said I did want to marry her regardless of outside factors but she couldn't accept this.
    Finally last week she told me she couldn't get over it and whilst she loves me she is not in love anymore and didn't want to try anymore.

    She moved out of our shared apartment and now I'm just so broken hearted and lost I can't see my future with anyone else all my future hopes and dreams include her. I can't eat, sleep and it physically hurts so much I can't get out of bed today, it feels like my heart has been torn out. I just don't get how someone can turn love off like a switch. I would have done anything I suggested space, counselling, but this was rejected.

    Last week we e-mailed back and forth and she is still contacting me about some of her stuff she left behind and repeatedly apologises for hurting me. I really want to message her back and keep contact as it lifts me every time I see her name pop up on my phone but don't know If this is a good idea. She seems to be so fine about our break up which hurts so much.

    Also I am suspicious now there maybe someone else a girl she works with who would message her when we were together at all times of day and night and even from holiday, this girl who I've never met has since blocked me on social media which I've found very strange , my partner denies there is someone else when I asked.

    I don't know if I should have fought more and if maintaining contact will mean there is a chance for reconciliation or friendship. She was so important I can't bear her to be a complete stranger. Or should I stop contact for now.

    Any perspective would be welcome.

    Thank you
     
    #1
  2. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, your questions are:
    (1) Should you stay in touch with her?
    (2) Should you have tried harder/continue to try to hang on to your relationship?
    (3) Is this other girl a factor?

    First off: I'm sorry. This sucks, and it is completely bewildering when your serious relationship dissolves overnight. It is normal for you to be upset, hurt, confused, and heartbroken, and all of those feelings are bad ones. It is also very, very normal to want those feelings to go away in the short term, even if the way that you get them to go away is not helpful in the long term. In some ways (in a lot of ways), love is a drug. Years of being in a relationship, and your heart and brain and body and habits are used to her presence, her name, her affection; getting cut off is like going into withdrawal, and you will do anything for a fix. This is a good metaphor, yeah, but it's also a chemical reality. When her name pops up in your inbox, it is a tiny little ghostly reminder of what you used to have, and it feels good - but it also hurts, right? It hurts that she's fine. It hurts that you're not going to see her. It hurts that your relationship is over.

    The answers to your questions, then, from my perspective are these:
    (1) No, you should not stay in touch with her. Keeping in touch keeps the wound open, and gives you constant reminders of what you used to have. You cannot heal this way, and it keeps you in this depressive, awful place. Get her the rest of her stuff, tell her you need some space, and then block her on email, social media, and your phone. You can get back in touch when you have a scar, not an open wound.
    (2) No, you should not have tried harder or continue to try to preserve your relationship. It is an hard truth, but you can't make anyone do ANYTHING they don't want to do. Ending relationships does not require a unanimous vote, and "trying" is actually a bad idea, because it means that you are pushing her to ignore the way she feels in favor of the way YOU feel. Fighting for a relationship sounds romantic, but it can veer into emotional manipulation pretty quickly, and getting what you want by virtue of wheedling is not the same as having a partner who is psyched to be there. At this point, she knows what you want; if what she wants changes, she can tell you about it.
    (3) Maybe. But also maybe not. It doesn't actually matter. Your partner has ended your relationship, and whatever her reasons are, your relationship is over. This other girl could have blocked you because she has a crush on your ex, or because they are close friends and she thinks you are a jerk (who, from her perspective, said no to a marriage proposal and then wanted to string your ex along), or because she decided that now that you are broken up she will probably never see you again. Without a crystal ball, you don't know why, and even if the worst is true, it doesn't change the fact that you are no longer in a relationship with your ex.

    Eventually, it will not hurt, although you will always have a sore spot where she used to be. Until then, it's okay for you to grieve your relationship: cry, watch funny movies, call on your friends and family. Get exercise, indulge in whatever takeout she didn't like, take up a new hobby. Fill the time, and let it pass, and eventually you will find that you are feeling just a little better, just a little healed and freer, and this will be a part of your story and not the whole thing.

    (I know that from where you sit, this perspective is pretty cold - I know that you are hurting so much, and what you really want is someone to tell you how to hang on and get her back. But I don't have the advice that will do that, because you can't make anyone do anything just because you want them to, and all you can ever do is take care of your own self.)
     
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  3. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I'm really sorry you're hurting. I think most of us have had our hearts extremely broken at one point.

    You don't just fall out of love with someone in a second. Maybe she is telling you that so you can both move on. I have said that to someone before and i was still very in love with them, but it wasn't working so at the time i felt like i had to say that so they would move on. Maybe your ex is just wanting you to move on the only way she can.

    If someone had turned down my proposal, that might of been a deal breaker for me. Maybe not if we had only been together a year but after living together, a couple of years and all that really might make me walk away. I just wouldn't know where to go from there. I'm certainly not saying this to make you upset, but get a little perspective.

    I get that you wanted some time for your family to fully come around but maybe she thought that she was second best to you wanting to make your family happy. So after you saw that she was upset did you then go and say "ok lets get married anyway"? (Sorry im sure you didn't say it just like that).

    As for the other girl, don't even worry about her. If there is or isn't something going on now, thats out of your control. I'd say stop having any contact for a little while with your ex. If you need to talk to her about her getting stuff, or furniture etc, do what you got to do. Get it over and done with so there is no lingering her stuff is still here 3 months late. That won't help. You need a clean break. Which will be hard. And it will suck. And there will be tears and wanting to contact her. But stay strong and don't contact her. Don't go onto her facebook or any of that. Infact, turn off social media just for a week. Take one week with no social media, contact with your ex and go from there.

    But i really am sorry to what happened. It will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it but it will.
     
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  4. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    Looks like there may have been underlying problems that came to the fore and led to the break up.I believe that she could have been gradually falling out of love and needed a long term commitment to reassure her that her feelings are still there,otherwise she could have understood where you were coming from in waiting till things are better on the home front.I also get where she's coming from-having your marriage proposal turned down can be an awful experience.It leads one to wonder why you are not rushing down the ile to make an honest woman of them.That said,this other girl couldn't have been the cause of the break up and if she's blocked you on social media,it speaks volumes of what she may think of you.Put things into perspective.Give yourself a chance to heal like the other posts suggest and refrain from all contact with your ex.This may actually have the opposite effect and she could have that time to also clear her head and perhaps see where you were at.You did the right thing by telling her ,you were not ready.Marriage is a life long commitment and cannot be rushed or forced.With time,it will get better.Don't hide from the world,socialize a little and surround yourself with friends.
     
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  5. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Hello, Lostgirl, I am so sorry your heart is breaking. Since the break up was recent and took you by surprise, you are in the throes of the shock and heartache right now. It can feel like you could never go on, it's impossible to picture life without her, and it is difficult to imagine you could ever love again. This is a time to hang on to yourself/your life, let yourself cry, feed yourself, shower, go for walks/exercise, see friends, let yourself cry some more, keep breathing....put one foot in front of the other, day after day. It is not the end of the world for you, it is the end of this relationship. It is painful, horrible, sickening, and saddening, but at the end of all of that is hope for your recovery, Not for the relationship (at least not at this time...I'm not psychic, so I can't see the distant future). The best possible focus for you right now is YOU. Do everything good for you and healthy for you to see you through this.

    I agree with the other posters (and many others on AE who have given the same advice), TIME and SPACE will help with your healing. Even though your heart lights up at the sight of her number on your phone, it is false hope because you don't want to believe this is really happening, of course. You want her to say she has changed her mind, but that is highly unlikely right now. You have offered counseling, etc. She said no; you have to accept that. Ongoing contact right now is going to keep sending you into the same spiral of hope, disappointment, desperation, repeat. Step away from that. It is not healthy and will not help you. You cannot seek comfort from the source of the pain. You want her back so you can avoid the pain. She does not want to be back, thus the pain of hearing that/seeing that over and over through ongoing contact is only hurting you more and preventing you from grieving and then healing.

    Someday, when you are whole again, maybe you can be friends or at least not "complete strangers," but right now you are not friends, you are exes trying to dismantle and untangle the life you put together. Your comfort can come from your friends, not her. You have to build your own life now, without her. I'm sorry, but you have to let her go. It won't always hurt as badly as it does now. Just one step at a time.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am really sorry that this happened to you. I get that you really, really hurt right now. I have been there. A lot of people on this site have been there. People have given you some good advice on how to cope with the immediate situation and the immediate grief. My post is a bit more 'long term' than that. When you get a few weeks out and are past the not getting out of bed and living on ice cream stage, here is a little food for thought.

    I am once divorced and I learned some tough lessons from that. One is the tough reality is that sometimes, people use "gestures" to fill their own insecurities, rather than doing them with sincere intent.

    Like a couple that has a baby to try and "fix" their marriage, or two people who move in together to try and get past jealousy and suspicions of cheating. Rather than address the underlying issue - communication, insecurity, etc... they try a band aid.

    The fact that your ex-gf broke off your relationship so suddenly and refused to try and work on it - sets of alarm bells that her marriage proposal came with a hidden agenda. It is possible that she was proposing to you out of insecurity - maybe trying to push up the volume on how "out and proud" you are with your parents, maybe out of insecurity that you would leave her, maybe looking for proof that you really meant it when you said you loved her, etc...

    Obviously, it is not a good idea to marry someone because of fear, or issues in the relationship. Also, it is obviously not a good idea to marry someone who takes things as ultimatums, or black and white rejection and refuses to communicate or work through issues.

    Lets say you had said yes. What happens when you felt pressured, but felt like you couldn't back out? What happens when the buzz of the engagement wears off and her underlying insecurity creeps back in? What band aid would she need then? A kid? A house? A big move?

    What happens had you married her and 10 years down the road you go through a rough patch and she refuses to work on things, refuses to see a couples therapist? All couples go through tough patches, both partners have to be willing to 'woman up' and get through them.

    Your ex-gf was not and is not marriage material. That hurts, I really get it. But trust me, it hurts a lot less than marrying someone who isn't cut out for marriage, going through all the pain of trying to maintain a badly wounded relationship and ultimately winding up divorced anyway.

    I am truly sorry that it hurts so badly, but you did the right thing here.
     
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  7. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

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    Some other thoughts on your post. It sounds like you are seeking understanding for yourself about why/how this relationship came to an end. What you are doing is normal...you are asking yourself (and her): Was there someone else? was it my declining the proposal? could we go to counseling and fix this? did her friend steal her away? can I have a do-over????

    Everybody tends to do an autopsy on a relationship when it is over (especially if one is blind-sided by its ending). It is okay to do that. It is natural to want to have answers for why the love died. What killed it, right? Of course, you would want to know.

    The problem is, you probably can't get objective answers right now. Not from within yourself and certainly not from your ex, who is feeling guilty about the pain she sees you in presently. You are too close to the situation now to see it clearly. That will come with time, perspective, and reflection.

    So, I know it is difficult, but try not to obsess over the "why"...or if you do, be sure to take long breaks from it. It may be healthier to work on accepting that the ending happened first. Focus on rebuilding a different life than you imagined. Then, later, when you are feeling more stable and are ready for some growth, you can examine the relationship with more objectivity and clarity. Keep in mind that you can learn a lot about yourself and how you function in relationships when you are willing to look at the cold, hard facts. The only one you can change is you, though, so you have to be willing to see the redflags you missed/ignored and the way that you communicate. I suggest you are good and strong when you really decide to take on that task, and you will see it all more clearly once you are not so desperate to hang onto the relationship anymore. Once we can let something go, we often realize it wasn't so great to be clinging to it after all.

    With that being said, here are some thoughts to consider Later. Just from your brief post, it seems like there were big indications that things weren't great between the two of you or at least you weren't on the same page.
    -(I don't know how long you have been together?) The two of you were living together, but seemed to have different ideas about where the relationship was going and how fast. That seems like a huge communication issue if you don't have a good sense of what the other person wants. You were wanting to "set up (your) lives" and "make a home" first, and she wanted to plan a wedding....did you talk about expectations/timelines before moving in together?
    -a "surprise" marriage proposal 6 weeks ago, seems like a "hail mary" pass to save a relationship that may have been ending. I cannot imagine asking someone to marry me if we had not already had some heavy conversations about where we were both headed and it was something that I was sure we both wanted. It shouldn't feel like a risk, a gamble, or an ultmatum - Unless, of course, that is what it actually was rather than a proposal.
    -there were some miscommunications and/or mistrust around boundaries of friendships or work relationships (BTW, I agree that it is Not helpful for you to worry about whether or not your ex is with her friend now that the relationship is over. But, of course, I can understand being curious if you had gut feelings all along that something seemed off. There is just nothing to do about it.)....The point is those issues need to be clear and understood so that there is trust between the couple and the relationship does not feel threatened by friends or co-workers.
    -Lastly, you tolerated 6 weeks of coldness and withdrawal from her since the declined proposal. I can't tolerate more than a day of that living in the same household before it is apparent that we need to have some heart-to-heart talks to find our way back to each other. Over the last month and a half, although you didn't want to see it or believe it, you must have felt in your heart that the connection was suffering signficantly? Fear can sometimes prevent us from speaking or asking for the truth, especially if we think it might not be what we want to hear. Again, this is a big communication problem.

    I am not trying to load you down with more to think about, because it sounds like you are already doing too much thinking. My point is, I guess, try not to beat yourself up about the relationship ending. Although you are hurting very much now, with some perspective when you heal, you may find that this was not a fairy-tale relationship which suffered one fatal wound. (I don't know for sure, because I didn't live in it, you did) But, it seems like there were a lot of unresolved difficulties that led to its eventual endiing. With time, distance, and some honest soul-searching, you may be able to see that you are capable of having a healthier relationship that fits you better someday.
     
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  8. Lauren_1989

    Lauren_1989 Active Member

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    I can't top the exceptional advice you have already been given but what you are feeling is completely normal. You must be confused and hurt that only 6 weeks ago this girl wanted to marry you and now, she claims, she is not in love with you anymore. Only she knows whether it was the pain of rejection that caused her feelings to change so dramatically, you cannot dwell on the what's and why's. All you can do now is accept what has happened, take you ex girlfriends word for it that it is over and try to rebuild your life without her featuring in it so prominently.

    With hindsight you may be able to see the relationship for what it really was, love makes us blind to the bigger picture and eventually you will gain closure from looking inwardly, time will help you see things clearly and although it hurts so much right now, you'll come out of the other side of this feeling invincible.

    As for being friends with your ex, it will make things immeasurably more difficult in the coming days, especially if you think there's another woman involved. Take this time for you, make your life ABOUT you from here on out and try to move on.
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Wow...some really good advice here. My only .02 to this is:

    We tend to look at relationships with rose-colored glasses when they're over. I think @rainydaze nailed this one in that -- hello, there seemingly were major communication issues. Both of you not being on the same page to begin with..and then a "surprise" marriage proposal. The proposal does sound like a "hail mary" attempt. Trust me..I'm intuitive...in a relationship problems don't tend to happen immediately or out of the blue. What were you missing? What issues were there just simmering beneath the surface that remained unaddressed?

    Also -- and to be honest -- your turning down her marriage proposal -- for whatever your reasons, solid or not, was likely perceived as a flat out rejection. I've always maintained that in any relationship, if one has to question whether to be in it or not, then it probably isn't the right relationship. You left her with a question in her mind as to where you stood....she took the rejection and moved on.

    There will always be things we cannot control -- and someone falling out of love with us for whatever reason, is one of them. Chances are, there's nothing you can do to change her mind...as she's taken whatever measures she needs to take to cope with not only the rejection but to move on. You need to think about yourself now and how you can move forward.
     
    #9
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2016
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