Coming to Terms with Trust Issues?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by alex-j-j, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. alex-j-j

    alex-j-j Member

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    Hi, afterellen community. I've been a member for a few years now, and you all have given me consistently good advice, and here I am with some relationship woes. I'm an out lesbian in my household, living with my parents. My parents are okay that I'm gay as long as I'm not in a relationship. So being in a relationship now is difficult because I can't ask my parents for advice. So I apologize in advance if my issues seem elementary. Backstory will be kept as short as possible.

    So my girlfriend and I have been "officially" dating for six months now, though it took a couple months to get there. When I first came on to my girlfriend, she reciprocated physically. A little after a month together, we had sex. That's when she decided to call me her girlfriend. Fair enough. However, up to that point, she had insisted, even though she's bisexual, that she wanted to be with a man in the end. "80% straight, 20% gay," is what she'd say. She even suggested friends with benefits before she agreed that we were dating because she wanted to pursue a guy that she was interested in previously. She still texted this guy a couple weeks after she admitted that we were probably more than friends with benefits, and later, when she decided to be completely monogamous, it was because things with this guy fell through. Later, after we dated for a month, she tried to break up with me because she felt guilty for being bisexual. I, of course, don't care that she's bisexual. The only thing that bothered me was that she seemed to prefer a man and acted like she'd leave me if she found a man.

    Fast forward a few months and things are finally moving along. We've had a bunch of bumps along the way, from her saying that she only saw us together for a few years to her saying that she didn't trust me. But now we're in a place where she's not opposed to marriage in the next few years and we're devoted to each other.

    Her explanation for the whole "friends work benefits," "I only want the dick," "I'm more straight than gay" routine was that she was scared. She's had a few relationships. This is my first. She's been hurt and she doesn't trust people. The couple guys she was interested in, in all fairness, came before me, though she apparently has had a crush on me for a few years. She also didn't think we'd work out, so she didn't want to commit. She doesn't consider herself more straight than gay. She basically said to ignore everything she said before.

    It all seems great, but I have a problem: I'm having a hard time letting go. I know I have her now, but I don't know if I can trust her. I still have a fear that I'm her last choice. I don't know if I can let go enough to trust her. It's been months since this has happened, but I still can't let go of some of the things that were said.

    I suppose I'm looking for words of encouragement and advice. Thanks in advance for reading.
     
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  2. alex-j-j

    alex-j-j Member

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    Might I mention to that I have security issues, and this ordeal at the beginning of the relationship only intensified my insecurities. I flare up at the mention of her previous love interests, and I have a hard time controlling it. Any advice on controlling jealousy would be greatly appreciated too.
     
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  3. Raiden

    Raiden Well-Known Member

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    She thinks too much and she's not going with the flow. The more you think about something, the worse you will do it or not at all, I'd tell her that if I were you. You should question yourself, what is your relationship based on if not on trust, because it is kinda cruel and way too selfish to joggle with decisions while someone is hurt.
     
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