Coming out struggles

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by mbtyson, Oct 2, 2018.

  1. mbtyson

    mbtyson New Member

    Oct 2, 2018
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    This is the first time I have ever posted on here, going through a bit of a crisis right now. I am 20 years old, and for most of my life have only ever dated men. Never because I genuinely thought I was into them, but because it was what everyone else was doing so I thought I should do it, too. I had always had certain feelings for girls, and while I never actively repressed them, I never thought much of them either. I was always more infatuated with the female leads in movies and shows instead of the guys. About a year ago, I started really questioning my sexuality. As soon as I thought I may not be straight, I decided that I had to know immediately, I started using online dating sites to try and find a girl to confirm my suspicions. Although I ended up going on a two dates and talking to many girls, I never ended up kissing or becoming intimate with any. This frustrated my a lot, as I thought that it meant I would never be able to confirm my feelings and constantly be in a state of confusion. I have not yet actually come out to anyone, I am nervous no one would believe me if I try to come out without ever having experience, but I am more certain than ever that I am a lesbian. Not sure what I am even looking for on here, but any sort of advice would be great.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Hi Mbtyson:

    I am sorry you are going through a crisis and experiencing such confusion. I think it is difficult for anyone, gay or straight to find someone who suits them. Dating is frustrating enough without part of the population on this earth hating on you.

    I have a few decades on you and I remember being anxious about things that I would not be anxious about now. I don't know where you live or what your social circles are like. But at least where I am, the acceptance of one's sexuality is so much better than before. I think if I were going through the same things in my 20's nowadays I would start off by sounding off to my best buddy. I would tell him/her, like, "You know what, I am gay. I think I will date women from now on." And, I am not sure I would even care to make an announcement unless I just want to talk to friends about it. I am not sure why the fear that no one would believe you? And what if you actually can confirm one day that you don't particularly like women anymore, what is the harm to tell your own friends your thoughts now? The good thing about announcing these things is that, maybe it will help you meet more women.

    Our dating pool is smaller than heterosexual couplings, but the search, the journey can be quite fun. Go enjoy your dates like it is a social gathering, not as only a means to find out more about yourself. Finding someone you like is supposed to be exciting and fun. Sending you love and light in your journey. Cheers.
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2018
  3. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I think congratulations are in order. Recognizing to yourself the way you feel is the most difficult part.

    I agree with Grey, enjoy the journey. Get to know people, make friendships, there is no rush. Discovering your on attractions takes time. Not every date has to end up in something.

    I guess what I am trying to say is good luck and enjoy.
    greylin and Nancy like this.
  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    You don't need any kind of experience to join this club.

    Experience might help you hone your sense of identity and trust your inner voice a little more, but, honestly? My understanding of my identity has changed basically every step of the way. And that little voice that said "queer!" to me, some twenty years ago, was right and worth trusting. And if people demand a lesbian resume, I suggest a disbelieving "wow." Because that's weird and rude.

    Coming out it not something you do once. It's something you do over and over, in different settings and contexts. Which might seem overwhelming, but is also an opportunity: you get to get better at it, to get more confident with your identity, to learn what you want to share and how. You came out by creating that profile and going on a few dates; you come out by checking out a cute girl; you come out by going to a queer meetup or hanging out in your queer hipster coffee shop. It's real, even if you don't kiss anyone.

    greylin and EvedeGeneve like this.

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