Coming out story, mid-life, happy! (Long!)

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by Ferdy, Jul 8, 2015.

  1. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    This is my mid-life coming out story. I never thought even 2 or 3 months ago that I'd be able to write this. As it is, events are really fresh, and this is the story of the beginning of a journey, definitely nowhere near the result or final destination. I'm writing this off-line to give me the time to do it properly, so apologies if it ends up very lengthy and rambly.

    I've always known, on a level, that I had strong feelings for girls and women. I experimented with this in school, while I was also experimenting with the boys :) - looking back, my extreme penchant for very feminine men and my disdain for masculinity should have really spoken a bit louder to me. Also my taste in young adult literature - Annie on my mind and Stir-fry two particular favourites (still are!) Anyway, androgyny and sexual ambiguity were quite the thing in my sixth form years, so I was pretty content to follow the trend. I had a bad experience with my main crush / girlfriend though, whose adherence to the fashion of the time was only skin-deep, clearly. Looking back from a time when rainbows are everywhere it seems crazy, but in the mid-90s LGBT culture was pretty underground, Queer as Folk was massively controversial, and 'disgusting' to some of my peers, This Life hadn't happened, and so my university reinvention saw me jumping entirely the other way. Maybe women who've been in similar situations will nod along with this. My thinking went, 'ok, if I'm bisexual then I can choose either way! And it's easier to jump for men!'

    I have huge regrets that I did this. For one, it wasn't right for me. For another, I missed out on a lot of fun and experimenting to find out exactly who I really was. And finally it means that my very best friends have no idea who I am. I've never disguised my admiration for women, to the extent that the people who know me best must have an idea that I'm somewhere on the scale, but my actions have only ever told one story.

    What I don't regret is that I met my husband at this time, and married him soon after. I did confide in him at the time that I considered myself to be bisexual and had some slight concerns about getting married, but we were very much in love.

    Many many years on we have a family, all the trappings, and we still have a brilliant relationship. I don't want to bring him into this too much. All that matters for this story is that we're happy together in every way. I could have chosen to live my life like this and it wouldn't have been terrible. And there was no choice right? I'd made my bed.

    But yet... A life of crushing on women, slightly too intense moments with friends, watching women who love each other from a jealous outsider's point of view, and more than anything, feeling as if I wasn't living my own life.

    I decided that enough was enough after an evening of drinking again saw me laying the flirt on pretty heavily. I was turning into a sex pest. I started to take myself seriously, and to try and work out exactly what was going on and where I'd end up. To my amazement, I found that there were at least a billion women (there or thereabouts) in the same situation. The internet is brimming with articles about married women who love women, women's sexual fluidity, coming out in mid-life. And a whole lot of angst too,which mirrored what I was feeling. Guilt that I could possibly be having these thoughts and feelings. Despair that I wasn't living the truth.

    Around the same time, I was completely caught out by a new friendship,which had quickly turned into a very intense emotional connection. Plus, I fancied her something crazy. No one was more surprised than me when I actually made a move and we ended up snogging. The next day, I was a mess. She was entirely unfazed, on the surface. A few weeks later, she put the moves on me. I was a lot happier that time! We weren't talking though, and it was driving me insane. I didn't want to lose her friendship by coming on too strong, but I was also getting reminded of school and getting played by my straight girlfriend.

    Total insanity. In the meantime there were a couple of other dalliances and flirtations. Strangely enough, my relationship with my husband also felt the strongest it ever had. I was consciously making an effort with him, as I didn't want to damage us by default just because this was starting to take over my life. Couldn't concentrate on work. Was starting to look at options for therapeutic counselling.

    In the middle of this, I found this forum. It felt supportive and welcoming, like a really friendly community. While I was on holiday, with a bit more space to sort myself out, I took a decision, and joined.

    I've been chatting to some great women, who above all have been fantastic listeners. I've articulated my story and finally felt as if I'd come home, no secrets. Suddenly,although life was no less complicated, I felt completely at peace, and a huge sense of growing confidence.

    I realised what had happened - joining the forum was the first time in my life I'd identified myself as a gay woman and engaged with others with that true identity. For the first time, I'd come out to myself. It suddenly made sense. I'd been shoving everything I knew about myself away in a corner and refusing to acknowledge or act on it.

    (I didn't even realise there was such a thing as coming out to yourself!)

    So to move things on a few weeks - weeks where I've been happy and sorted. Last week I spoke to my friend which was hard and somewhat embarrassing, but we were rocking along in this ambiguous way. We made a firm commitment (slightly more reluctantly on my side!) to be great friends and nothing more. With added flirting.

    This led in to the hardest bit. Last week I sat down with my husband and came out to him. I told him that there was nothing driving it, that I wasn't having an affair or even looking and I didn't know where this would take me, but that I wanted his support and in return there would be no secrets between us. I made it clear that I was sexually attracted to and curious about women, and that I needed to be true to myself. It was one of the most difficult conversations of my life,and he reacted in the best possible way. I want to guard his privacy and not go into any detail, but he was so supportive and confident in our relationship.

    So this is who I am. I'm at the start of my road, and no idea where I'm going next. But whereas I thought that coming out was about admission and disclosure and other people's reactions, I've found that it's about self-acceptance and confidence. I feel pretty powerful, slightly breathless, and very content, and in no rush whatsoever to start sharing with the world,but equally with no secrets. No regrets for the part of my life that's gone before, but anticipating the rest of it!
     
    #1
    Plane Jane, slayerbeans and poegirl like this.
  2. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    Im really happy for you!! I wish you nothing but the best. Way to live your authentic life.... :)
     
    #2
  3. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    Thank you :) I do feel quite a lot like singing :)
     
    #3
  4. sela9

    sela9 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2015
    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    58
    Is your husband okay with things or is he worried about it? Do your kids know?
     
    #4
  5. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    Ok I think. Not shown any signs of panic. Knows I love him. Kids too young.
     
    #5
  6. poegirl

    poegirl New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2015
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    8
    Congratulations! I came out to my husband a few months ago so I understand the fear and confusion but ultimately the freedom and power that your coming out brings. I'm so glad that your husband took it well and I hope you find happiness and fulfillment in wherever your life takes you. If you ever need an understanding ear just message me.
     
    #6
  7. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    Ah thanks - your post was one of those that really helped me kind of tune in. I hope things are still going well for you! After that first rush I'm finding myself thinking 'what now'? But really in no hurry, although I'm keen to try and find my way a bit while my confidence is so high
     
    #7
  8. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2015
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    24
    Thank yo
     
    #8
  9. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2015
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    24
    hi there
    Thank you for sharing your experience - it's really helpful for me as I just 'woke up' on Sunday !
    I didn't know I could come out to myself either ... And now I am - it's magnificent how I pushed all the signs 'in the corner ' as you said -
    It's quite something to wake up and then run over my life and go 'oh yes now I see '
    Fab that you have been honest - what else is there -
    To deny our sexuality affects a lot - I'm even finding I'm sitting differently since Sunday ! Ha ha
    So good to find this out and wonder why the males I've been in relationship have felt like aliens. . And the sex has been rubbish

    I have known I have no sexual tendencies for a long time but to wake up and say 'I'm not bi sexual I'm gay ' wow that is a life changer :)
    Happy
    Thank u for letting me ramble - I may even have answered in a way that is not how things are done here but I haven't read the guidelines properly yet and I just found I got on a waffle :)
     
    #9
  10. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    Hey, so glad for you, and that my story was helpful! I know what you mean about the life changer :) Even though nothing has actually changed outwardly, and I'm bouncing along in my marriage, I am so much more confident and feel as if I actually understand myself and how I behave.
    I've also found that it's unleashed the full strength of my feelings for women, which has taken me aback, but I'm just enjoying the ride at the moment without feeling I have to shout out to the world or put myself out there. I'm also enjoying female friendships in to way I didn't really allow myself to do before - the barriers were always down to getting too close in case something happened, and now I'm far more relaxed and can just appreciate those friendships.
    Hope things continue well :)
     
    #10
  11. Emmarose

    Emmarose Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2015
    Messages:
    40
    Likes Received:
    24
    Yes ..! I feel like that too - I don't have a need to shout it to the world or put myself out there ...
    Just enjoying the freedom :) :)

    I also am feeling that a barrier has gone regarding relating to women .. I never used to get why I seemed to enjoy male company more and now I see it was because I was emotionally holding back ..
    I just today shared what has happened to me with a friend on the phone and she cried as it is very similar as to what happened to her -
    I am really grateful to share here it feels nice and it's good to be me today :)
     
    #11
  12. Ferdy

    Ferdy Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2015
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    9
    Yes. Complete freedom. And it's only got better since then. I am so so happy for you and glad it's good to be you!
     
    #12

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice