coming out denied

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by blissface, Oct 24, 2013.

  1. blissface

    blissface Member

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    so I knew I was gay at 16 (but sort of intuitively at 4) and came out to my mom last night at age 25..shes said im not sure since I never had a gf or bf and im still young...

    I really thought this was a brave thing to do, but I feel like I didn't come out at all..anyone whose parents reacted the same way?
     
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  2. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    I like to think of the coming out process (when it comes to parents in particular) is much like our own. When I first thought that I might be gay I went into to denial. I tried dating men, thought I was young and quite possibly hadn't quite found the right guy, then I moved on to "maybe I am bisexual and could still end up with a man" to finally fully accepting my sexuality and then being comfortable with it. It was a process for me, and for some parents its a process for them. So this is what is important. You let her know that this is in fact not a phase and something you have thought about and felt, for quite some time; but also know that as it took you time to come to terms with it, accept it and now come to the point of sharing it with others that she can also take time to go through the motions and take, what we hope is, the path of acceptance. Its all a journey, so just as we need time to go from confusion to certainty to acceptance, so do they. You are not in the closet, you did in fact come out so congratulations!
     
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  3. key

    key Member

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    First off...congratulations on coming out to your mom. Despite her reaction, it was a brave thing to do.

    I waited to tell my mom till I had a gf, so she didn't really have a chance to tell me I wasn't sure. She didn't react very favorably though. She did come around eventually, so agree that it is a process for them. Now it actually surprises me how much she's changed since I first told her.
     
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  4. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    You came out. Your mom didn't want to hear you, but you did it! Congratulations on being brave, honest, and true to yourself. That feeling of lingering uncertainty you feel? That's your mom's fear and worry, blended with the narrative that coming out is cathartic and magical (hint: sometimes, it's just another confusing step).

    You decide what to do with that. If you feel that you need closure with your mom, you can have a follow up conversation with her to tell her that this is not a phase, and that no amount of experimentation will change what you feel in your heart, and that if she would like to talk about it respectfully you are willing. She might not accept this, and that's on her; you can't make her face and process something she's not ready for. If what you need is to establish your identity publicly, to come out all the way, then I would tell your friends or someone else you trust (if you haven't already). If what you need is to stop pretending, then you did that! and can keep doing it with other people in your life.

    And remember: you are not responsible for anyone but you. If you are telling your truth and taking care of yourself, then you don't need to make your mom believe you or accept her opinions and judgment. It's going to take her a while to process and deal with this change, and sometimes our parents are more invested in our safe straight privileged identities than we are, because they see only the public ramifications and not the private triumph. Just be patient, consistent, and honest with her.
     
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  5. zunixaani

    zunixaani New Member

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    Thank you for your reply Nancy!! You're right, telling her everything is probably a lot to take in and i wouldn't want to freak her out even more if she was in fact to have a negative reaction to me telling her my preferences. Regarding her sexuality that is something i would never bring up or discuss with her, its none of my business and i understand how awkward i would feel if someone was to approach me about it before i was ready! Just got to pick the right moment to tell her i guess!
     
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