College dorm-mate/best friend situation

Discussion in 'Does She Like Me?' started by teenagedream90, Mar 11, 2014.

  1. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    Hello ladies, I am new to this site and am looking for some advise on this girl I am crushing on badly. Without boring you, I will try to keep this relatively short.

    To start I am a 24 year old bisexual (not out) attending college and falling for my 21 year old dorm-mate. She is 21 and has no idea that I like women.

    We shared the same dorm for about 4 months then suddenly we became best friends and are inseparable sharing many of the same likes and interests as well as clothes, private jokes and friends.

    We’ll be watching TV and she will always comment on how beautiful the women are, how they have nice legs etc. Then say how hot the guys are. Ew. I know she is gay friendly as her best friend is a gay man.

    But just the other day, one of our friends was hanging with us and asked if either of us would ever date or sleep with another woman. Instead of doing the right thing and coming out, I diverted the question to her and she point blank said no. Likewise, if asked outright if she was bisexual, she said no. At that age if someone had asked me, I too would have said no.

    She also told us she hates having penetration sex and prefers oral and that she has never had an orgasm whilst masturbating and that I should teach her how.... Whilst it may have been a joke, bit of a weird thing to say.

    She is constantly making plans for our future, like next year we should tour the states, we should go to Vegas together, we should do this etc.

    Even though we share the same dorm (separate rooms), we often hang out in hers and have movie nights and hang out there. She is always offering me a space in her bed even though mine is just across the hall and one of our friends told me that she told him that she is glad I am her dorm-mate and that she now finally has a friend that is a girl instead of all guys and that it is cool that I stay there often.

    Talking of guys, she has had boyfriends and often goes home to her folks house to meet up with a guy she has sex with, she’s going to be spending a week of spring break with him and said to me that she would have nothing else to do as I wouldn’t be around so she might as well go.

    I am so torn, I feel that we have a real connection and that she could be bi but I also feel she is scared to act on it. I don’t want to make the first move but I can’t get her out of my system. I am wondering if anyone else has been in this situation and what did they do to combat it?

    I know my heart is going to break next month when she tells me all about what she got up to over spring break. She is so perfectly beautiful, I know she is young and may not know she likes girls (if she does) or could just be hiding it if she does. I don't wanna lose her friendship by doing something I will regret as I still have to live opposite her.

    Any advise and comments would be much appreciated.
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Come out. In other words, don't worry about her, worry about yourself. If you can't be open and honest about your sexuality, then you aren't really ready for a serious relationship.

    Really liking someone and being able to make a relationship work are two different things. In this case you guys don't have a good foundation - you're both somewhat closeted, you aren't talking about feelings honestly (babe, I want to spend Spring Break with you, don't see that guy), you're sending tons of mixed messages.

    I know it's hard, but you need to get more honest in your personal life.
     
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  3. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    Hi, I am out to most people but just not to her, I have tried to drop hints but she just ignores them. I am afraid to tell her incase she completely abandons me.

    I myself, am going on a family trip to Europe for spring break which is why I won't go be around. She has already made plans for us to Skype and FaceTime so we can see each other even though she will be with the guy.

    She tells me she doesn't want a relationship with him but if he asks then she'd find it hard to say no to him as he is nice and caring but she doesn't currently have any romantic feelings towards him. Instead she just uses him for sex when I am not around to be her friend.

    This woman is so frustrating!
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She's frustrating because you allow her to be frustrating. Or, more precisely, you choose to passively stay in the situation, but then blame her for it.

    Guess what, this situation was created by both of you. Both of you have been lying, hiding, giving mixed messages and all that other stuff that sabatoges relationships. So don't be surprised or frustrated when - oops! You don't have a relationship.

    Being honest sucks. It sucks, it hurts and it is really hard. There are a lot of crappy things in life and facing most of them is just no fun at all. But we do face them because lying is worse in the long run. When you face the truth, you get to move on in life. When you lie, you have to keep telling more and more lies. Eventually, the lies overwhelm us and we have to start getting honest.

    Yes, if you tell her the truth, she might abandon you. But you don't really have her now, anyhow. You have some weird, dysfunctional thing that is pushing both of you to lie to each other and is frustrating you. Continuing to lie is never going to 'win her over' and it's just going to mess with your head, eventually.

    I know this isn't easy advice to hear. But you're talking to an old married dyke who has some perspective here. It's your choice if you want to stay locked in some miserable thing, or if you want to start building something real.
     
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  5. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    Bluenote, I honestly appreciate your replying to this thread :D

    I will try and be more honest with her from now on. From what I've said, does it sound like she could be interested but hiding it? Or am I completely imagining it?

    Thanks again
    x
     
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  6. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Bluenote has given you some VERY solid advice here. The girl is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, she wants to be your friend. From the sounds of it you've been the only one making advances towards her. Don't sleep with your dorm mate, it does nothing but cause drama.
     
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  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    Where's MakeMeLaugh when you need her, she should have some awesome dorm-mate/room-mate advice :)
     
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  8. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    Is she not on the new ae? She really would have the best things to say for these situations
     
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  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    She is, but sporadically.
     
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  10. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    So no one here thinks that she could be into me but in denial? Gee way to make a girl feel welcome ;)

    Seriously I appreciate all of y'all advise here.
     
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  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I think that it's important not to get hung up on the what-ifs. First things first you need to talk to her about your feelings, which as scary as it seems now will come as a weight off your mind.
     
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  12. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    I didn't get the impression that she was into you, but as you say, if she is hiding it, then she would behave as if she wasn't into you...So...Catch 22

    Mate, there is no way to know if she is into you except for you to be real with her and honest about how YOU feel. The buck stops with you on this one in term of how you should proceed. You can't control how she feels about you...the best you can do is give her the honesty she deserves. If she is in fact just interested in you as a friend, she would prob be quite upset to know you were harboring these feelings for her for ages without telling her and that you are reading the time you guys spent together differently. It's not very nice to be sharing a bed with her 'n what not and letting that go on without telling her how you feel. I know it's scary, but she might feel a bit betrayed or something, if she really does see you as a friend just.

    From a different perspective, you are going to have to get used to telling girls you like them when you do. Nothing is going to happen if you lie and hide it, not with this girl or not with future girls. There is only one path to successful girl-getting and that is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. So yea, prob not what you wanted to hear, but we have all learned this the hard way.
     
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  13. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    Oh Boy... I feel a little pressure to give some good advice here.

    Here goes....[takes a deep breath and...]

    Based on what you have written here nothing here gives me the impression that she is into you; but then again some people will not show signs of interest if the person they are interested has stated that they are straight. The first thing you need to do is be honest with her. If she is your best friend; as you state, there is no reason to keep from her that you are also attracted to women. Women who question their sexuality or are open to being with a woman but are not "OUT" are waiting for the experienced/out woman to take the lead. If this is the case with your lady then grow a set and let her know that you are bisexual. See if her attitude towards you changes. If it changes for the worse....dump her as a friend she isn't worth your time. If it stays the same---you are in the friend zone. If it changes and all of a sudden there is more physicality between the two of you test the waters.

    Now I feel it is my duty to warn you of roommate romances! While I had a brief roomie that I pushed the lines of friendship with (and by pushed I mean crossed), we were able to maintain our friendship as we had come to a mutual understanding that it was a friends with benefits situation. Whenever you date within the pool of "friends" you always risk the chance of losing a friendship. So make sure that is something you are willing to risk; or something you think you can recuperate from.

    Did I do okay guys?
     
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  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    You sure did MML :)
     
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  15. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    Hello again :)
    I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply to this thread.

    Our spring breaks finished now. I went to Europe (very nice I might add) and she went with the guy and they had fun (sex), she said they talked about my trip to Europe and me a lot - I have never even met him and feel he knows more about me than I do, they always talk of me.. She has told me this and shown me her messages referencing me.

    When I came back we both signed up to OKcupid and she is looking for guys and I am talking to both guys and girls (she thinks just guys); she gets an weird kind of look when I get notifications on my phone and say how many 'people' have been messaging me and that I have became friends with. Again, she shows me all the messages when she talks with guys that are referencing me.

    When I was away she also made sure that we facetimed everyother day and kept up to date with each other and asked me to be her 'date' to her brothers wedding in the summer, of course I said yes and she said that we can share her bed at her folks house and that all her family can't wait to meet me! Why do they even know about me? She talks about me so much!

    Before we go I am going to tell her that I like women and that I think it is better that we don't share a bed, especially after a wedding where the alcohol will be flowing ;)

    So yeah, that's my little update for you all.. Any thoughts? xxxxxxx
     
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  16. Belle_of_the_boulevard

    Belle_of_the_boulevard Well-Known Member

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    Yeah just get it out there, tell her you like girls! What's the worst that could happen?

    Scenario 1. She shuns you because of your lady-loving ways = she's a bawbag and not worth having as a buddy
    Scenario 2. She embraces your innate gayness and tells you "it's like super cool bbz" = wingwoman (if/when you get over her)
    Scenario 3. She expresses interest in you because of your declaration = haud the bus - Yer in!

    If she's isn't a dickhead, at the very least you can start to be yourself around her a bit more. There's nothing worse than keeping your sexuality from someone you're close with. Well, there's tonnes of stuff worse, but it's bad enough.

    Good luck!
     
    #16
  17. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

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    Well, Belle pretty much covered your options I rekon. But yea, tell her. totz. If the worst does happen, you are as well off knowing that she thinks like that. And in all fairness, it's unlikely that she will react that badly. You guys are young and down with that kinda stuff. (gross generalization alert). But you know what I mean...Tell her. I still don't know if she fancies you. Like her behavior could be taken both ways. The trauma though, of filling in online dating and checking people out with the girl you fancy.
     
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  18. Justposting

    Justposting Well-Known Member

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    If you get option 3 and she wants to make out with you, I do suggest that you wait to start anything. You still have a few months of being roommates left (at the very least). Making out with the person you live with is great, but fighting with them? Seeing the person 24/7? That's a lot to handle in any early relationship.
     
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  19. teenagedream90

    teenagedream90 Active Member

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    I can't see option 3 happening really, I am sure it's all in my head although she has kissed women before :(

    Today we spent most of the day just lying in her bed watching TV including some shows about online dating, I said that if I was chatting to a guy and it turned out to be a woman then I would be open to it and become friends with her - she agreed but I don't think she was getting at what I was hinting at. She is so different when it is just us as when I have said that before with others with us, she has turned down the idea completely. Perhaps she is just confused.

    I'm currently talking to some women online that I would like to become friends with - I guess time will tell how she will react to that if I bring them back to our dorm!

    Thanks again ladies, your words are very appreciated!
     
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  20. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I have absolutely nothing to add...except...

    You're getting some good advice from some pretty "heavy hitting" advice people here:...Moses, Bluenote, Nancy, MakeMeLaugh.

    Trust what they tell you.
     
    #20

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