Closet lesbian during a pandemic

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by WellEnough, May 12, 2020.

  1. WellEnough

    WellEnough Member

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    I always had an attraction to girls. The first person to ever Kiss/touch me was one of my best friends when I was 15. Her mom heard us and the next morning said “what are you fu*^ing dykes”... and that was the last time I ever let a girl touch me aside from kissing. I was so humiliated and shamed I convinced myself I just kissed girls for fun like the other girls did. That everyone fantasizes about girls. But I couldn’t really be gay because I wasn’t attracted to either of the two lesbians I knew then.

    I also didn’t have a childhood. It’s an entirely different post, but I wasn’t abused.

    So my desire growing up was just wanting a normal life someone to take care of me.(I’ve never outgrown the love of a good Cinderella story). Marriage, Mortgage, babies. That’s what normal people do right? Being gay didn’t fit into the box of having a normal life. I definitely could NOT be gay.

    But my wish came true(kind of). I met a boy when I was 16. He was 21 had a job and an apartment of his own and was kind and thoughtful and every single thing I told myself I wanted. We moved in together when I was 18. We got married when I was 23 and had our kids when I was 24&25.

    I had everything I wanted, but I still wasn’t happy. Something was missing.

    I was 21 when I finally accepted I was attracted to girls. You can only watch Imagine me & You so many times before it hits you. But, by then I’d been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I loved him so what did it matter. No body every needed to know because those feelings weren’t relevant to my life.

    My husband is a good man, an amazing father, a hard worker. We don’t really share interests but In so many other ways he’s my best friend. Because we got together so young we were very codependent on each other. I never had a point in my life where I got to truly discover who I was.

    Two years ago he took a job working out of town. I suddenly had to take care of myself, and my kids, solo. It was difficult at first but I realized quickly just how capable I was at doing things alone. I started embracing myself more, which had my sexuality poking its head back through the cracks.

    Without my husband around as a distraction I was now always fantasizing about girls. I even started a new job and I was so attracted to the one girl I couldn’t even talk to her without blushing, and I was so disappointed when I found out she had a boyfriend.

    I’m a sexual person. I crave physical touch. It’s my main love language. But our sex has never been that great for me. I spent a lot of time and effort trying to make it great and not understanding why I was failing.

    As he was working out of town our intimacy diminished. Where he used to kiss me or hug me it stopped. He became impassive. His idea of touching was an a$$/boob grab, which when combined with other stuff is cute and flirty, but solo feels cheap and dirty. Also... I just stopped wanting him to touch me. I told myself it was because of the lack of intimacy but even the moments he tried, I just didn’t want it. Meanwhile I’m fantasizing about women every night at this point.

    I became very unhappy so I started therapy. Which has been opening me to everything including my sexuality. I thought I must be bi because I find some men attractive and I’ve obviously been having sex with my husband. But if I am it’s about an 90/10 split because all I think about is women.

    So where does this end? Happily ever after?

    Maybe someday. Covid19 hit when I started therapy and now I’m a stay at home mom who’s a closet lesbian because I can’t come out during quarantine when I have no where and no job.

    I have no idea how my husband will take me coming out. I hope well eventually. I care about him a lot and we have two children so will always be in each other’s lives. I’m trying to find the right way to tell him. But nothing feels adequate.

    I have taken some steps though. I’ve also started telling 3 of my close friends so I have people around me who support me. But I feel like the villain in my own life right now.

    I’m not sure how to end this So if you’ve made it this far thanks for listening. I just needed somewhere to share my truth. Finally.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi, you are doing everything right to figure yourself in this situation. Are you stuck there with your husband day in and day out? Do you feel safe talking to him? You are not a villain. You have been brought up to feel shame on something that is natural to you and you have tried cutting off a part of you that you can no longer deny. Whatever you do with your husband, please make sure you have a backup plan, some place to go. Otherwise, you will require a lot a patience to get through this pandemic first.

    I hope this message gets to you because the forums are not quite reachable. No idea if they are shutting it down.
     
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  3. WellEnough

    WellEnough Member

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    You are very kind to reply. Yes I’m still home with my husband. He got a temporary lay off so he’s home day and night right now. I’m being as honest as I can right now telling him I’m working through therapy to help discover myself and figure out who I am since I didn’t have that chance before. He’s feeling the disconnect and distance but doesn’t fully understand why but nothings opened up yet for me to be able to start working and establishing myself so that once he knows I can support myself and our kids. I feel so awful and deceitful all the time though. I’be been the person to take care of everyone my entire life. The idea that I’m hurting someone. It’s anti me. My therapist has been helpful. She reminded me since I can’t change my situation right now to keep building our friendship so that hopefully when this is over we’ll still have that. Being as honest with him as I can be has helped. That when this all comes out it will show I put an effort it. I don’t like myself for it, but at least I can live with it for now. We don’t have family or really close friends around that can help us through this.
     
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  4. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I am glad you are in therapy and have someone there to help you through. I can understand how you feel about this, keeping things from someone you care for. This is no different a situation when someone's in a relationship she no longer wants to be in. You are not plotting against him but you are just trying to get by. If you can, find a divorce lawyer so you know what kind of situation you could be in legally if and when you split up. Find lawyers based on reviews that they are concerned about all parties. You want to make sure to figure out how you will live and what to do with the kids. There is an additional resource called https://lavendervisions.com/. They used to have a forum but now it is gone, I think they can't keep up the expense. But there are still resources on there you can go through. You are not alone.

    Edit: A lot of divorce lawyers have free initial consultations. You can survey them and see which one is the best if and when there is a time you need one.
     
    #4
    Last edited: May 18, 2020
  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I’m sorry you’re going through all this. And it definitely doesn’t help that there is a pandemic going on.

    Sometimes just having friends or people who know that core important part of you helps. Even one person.

    But if you feel like you can’t come out to anyone you know there are lots of people on here that are pretty amazing and helpful.
     
    #5
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  6. Writer23

    Writer23 Well-Known Member

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    I commend your courage to share your truth because very few people are brave enough to take that step. Make sure that you are financially secure and have a place to live for you and your children before you say anything to your husband. Based on what you’ve shared about your husband, he sounds like a nice guy; however, because the stakes are so high, you have to plan for a scenario in which he does not take it well and wants you out of the house. And when you do tell him, express yourself with the same grace that you exhibited here. Tell your truth with kindness and empathy.

    You already know that you are capable of surviving on your own, so you will be okay, and it is also good that you have a good support system to rely on. You will need them. However, rely on yourself first and them second. When you have moved out and on your own, consider journaling because it is a good way to talk to yourself about yourself in order to further find yourself.

    Lastly, although painful, in some way, when your mother, or any loved one, calls you a “dy ke”, it straightens you so much so that if someone else should ever call you it again in your lifetime, it will not even scratch your armor.

    God bless and good luck on your journey
     
    #6
  7. WellEnough

    WellEnough Member

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    Thank you. That is one reason I posted on here. I just needed to be able to say it “out loud” in a space where someone might understand. I’ve come out to 4 people I knew would be supportive. While they are I can tell two or then really don’t understand. They think I don’t know or it’s a phase. One who has issues with her husband told me “sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it”.

    They don’t see how long and how much work mentally it’s even taken me to get to this point. How freeing and yet weird it is to have anyone know that part of me.

    One friend suggested I try “experimenting” before I make anything permanent. Which is so awful for so many reasons. First I’m not confused about my feelings. Second I wouldn’t want to my my husband even more by doing that. Third, even if I was confused, why would I bring another person in like that just to potentially hurt them too? Ugh.

    Unfortunately I don’t have any gay friends so that side has just felt extremely lonely.
     
    #7
  8. WellEnough

    WellEnough Member

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    Thank you for your kindness. My therapist has said the same thing. Right now we are looking for a 6month possible exit so that this can pass enough for me to find work and a place for myself and the kids. I struggle mentally with that but again therapy helps. If the situation comes up where I can come out sooner I will, but having a goal helps.
     
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  9. MovingForward

    MovingForward New Member

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    I too am struggling with my sexuality during this pandemic. All of the free time is forcing me to truly face my identity and come to accept who I truly am, which is a good thing! This past week I came out as bisexual to my best friend and my sister. I am 32 years old and wish that I realized my truth sooner. I just read an article on Autostraddle called “How do I let go of feeling guilty late in life?” in which the author stated “part of grief is reflecting on the past and the possibilities that have been foreclosed. The other part of grief is taking the first small steps towards building your new future.” Sounds like you are on your way, my friend! Stay strong! We can do it!
     
    #9
  10. WellEnough

    WellEnough Member

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    I’m glad that you are able to find your truth too. Its scary but so freeing to finally accept and talk about who you are.
     
    #10

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