Closet Case or Fraud?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ByDesign, May 24, 2016.

  1. ByDesign

    ByDesign New Member

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    Greetings! This is my first time posting and I will try to keep it short.

    I was in a relationship for about 10 years, we lived together 6. She never wanted to be honest about our relationship because of her fears, parents, friends, etc.She'd claim she would try to come to terms with her issues, but never really tried. I was ready to go public before she was, but I gave her a couple or three years before I'd had enough. I was tired of living by deflection and omission. I felt like we were living together at home and living separate lives elsewhere.

    So I forced a break up because I couldn't deal with stifling our relationship and keeping up the charade. (Really how much of a charade was it when we were living together for years). We stopped living together. I felt saddened, but relieved and worked to move forward (including therapy). Over the next year, she would try to contact me, but I told her we couldn't be together if she wasn't ready. We barely talked. We had a conversation last year and I even encouraged her to try dating men since she was so scared of being with a woman. (I knew she dated men in high school and college). She said she didn't want to be with anyone else, male or female. She asked me not to date while she figured things out. I told her I couldn't make any promises, but that I would tell her if anything became serious.

    Two months later, she called me to tell me she was engaged. To a guy. I was shocked because I didn't know she was even dating, but I wrote her off as going after what she really wanted all along (acceptance). Plus, I figured she must have gotten really serious with him really quickly. I did think she could have told me before reaching the engagement stage. Because she had asked me not to date at all and was still trying to be with me 2 months prior. But there was nothing I could do about that. I told her we didn't have anything to talk about anymore.

    Well then what do you know? She started sending notes, flowers, calls, etc. This started within 10 days of her engagement. She kept saying how much she loved/needed me, that she made a mistake, etc.

    I tried to be understanding of where she was and foolishly expected her to be honest. I thought the timing was significant; that this was a wake up call for her. I was giddy, but cautious. I gave her space to sort things out and she kept up with her notes/emails/unannounced visits. It then became clear to me that she wasn't going to do anything about her so-called "mistake." I felt like she was trying to just make me her twisted mistress and I told her I wouldn't be a part of her deceit or charade. She disappeared. But not before trying to get me to confirm that I wouldn't "tell", lest her parents, fiancé, friends, etc. find out.

    She kept repeating the same things about her parents and fears. So then what the h*** was she doing back here? Then she expects me to pretend for all time in the future so that her secrets and lies can remain "safe." When we split a couple of years ago it was to allow her to go live according to her fears, priorities, parents, whatever.

    I understand that it may be hard for people to come out, but I don't think that her fears give her a pass for being deceitful. I really wish she would have just left me alone or that I would have seen through her earlier. But I just did not believe she would continue to be so dishonest and begin a life with her fiancé by being dishonest. I also feel like she didn't respect me because she tried to use me to keep up her charade and had no desire to change. And yes, I feel stupid.

    We are mid-thirties by the way. I feel like all of this reinforces how much she didn't want to be with me. I am feeling shell-shocked, used, depressed, demoralized and discarded. If I felt stifled when we were together, I feel like I am suffocating now.
     
    #1
    Last edited: May 24, 2016
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am not sure what to say other than I am sorry. She clearly has two sides to herself - the side that is really gay and the side that wants to please everyone else. She can't be honest and satisfy both sides, so she is justifying some pretty awful behavior (cheating on her fiance, manipulating you, lying to everyone.)

    Your post is a lot about her, but it says a lot about you in the 'inverse.'
    1) She tried to keep you a secret, you refused.
    2)She needed time and space, you gave her a reasonable amount.
    3) She got engaged quickly, you were stung and surprised but accepted it.
    4) She tried to charm you into being her mistress, you refused to live that lie.

    Let's rewrite that so it is about you first.

    1) You value living your life honestly, even when that is hard.
    You are proud of being gay and accept who you are, are proud of who you love.
    2) You are understanding and have compassion for others, but also set limits for yourself and stick to them - even when it is very painful.
    3) You can see situations, even ones that are very difficult, with a clear head.
    4) You live with integrity, even when it involves a person you don't really know (the finance).

    I get that it feels horrible when someone tries to use you. Maybe your ex is an awful person. Maybe she is just way too deep in denial and unable to separate from her family. Maybe one day she will get things figured out, maybe she never will.

    But you have realized that your values are too far apart. Before there was a chance of reconciliation - maybe she would come out. Now - you see that she is someone who is willing to cheat, lie, betray, manipulate. Deep down, you don't want to reconcile, because she isn't who you thought she was. Or she isn't someone you want to be with in a deeply committed way. She is trying to cheat and that is a big betrayal, no matter her 'reason' for it. Delete your ex from your life. Block her phone, her fb, all social media, etc... Let her go.

    It hurts and it is going to hurt for a bit. That is grief. but grief doesn't last forever. The pain does end, the feelings even out, things become bearable and eventually peace comes.

    Once you get through the grief - you will still be you. Honest, a person with integrity, comfortable with who you are, loving, able to set limits for yourself and able to see things clearly. Someday, you will meet a woman who has those same values. Someone who sees you as a catch, as what she has been looking for all along. Who respects your integrity and is proud of your good character.

    Hang in there, you did the right thing even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it.
     
    #2
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  3. ByDesign

    ByDesign New Member

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    Thank you, Bluenote! I really appreciate your reply. You are right; our values are not aligned. It definitely hurts, but I was willing to accept that she didn't choose me. It's the lying I find unacceptable, the ruse, the request that I lie going forward (forever!) to protect her "old" gay secret and her "new" cheating secret is mind boggling. Especially when I insisted we break up before because I couldn't do the secret thing. Even this time, I had to pull the plug as she would have strung me along as long as she could. If she is that ashamed of our relationship and would go to such lengths of deceit, I have to question a lot more. I feel so discounted. I don't know her fiancé (hell he could be her husband by now for all I know- I'm not on social media at all), but I think it's unfair to him. I'm feeling dumb for believing her at all. But I hope to find peace again. Love will have to wait, but I hope to be ready again one day.
     
    #3
  4. Insisterous

    Insisterous Member

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    First of all, I am sorry for what you have to go through with your ex. It is difficult to be strung along with someone who doesn't know what they want in life, drag you along with their insecurity, indecisiveness and treat you as an option. I'm glad that you finally cut her off and hopefully you will heal soon and find someone who treats you better.
     
    #4
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  5. ByDesign

    ByDesign New Member

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    Thank you, Insisterous!!! I definitely was tired of feeling like an option. I appreciate your reply. Even though it's still fresh, I can feel my focus shifting and I'm beginning to look ahead.
     
    #5
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  6. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Quite frankly, I'm in a similar situation (only excluding marriage and the time we were together is less than yours). You're torn-your mind's telling no and it's right to tell you "no"-you know quite well that this will lead nowhere, perhaps the only thing you could take from it is the physical pleasure. And yet, again-your heart wants her back. You didn't mention it but you still love her, judging by the way you wrote it all (if you didn't care you wouldn't have written this whole post as a start).

    If you were someone revengeful, you would've exposed her because she's deceitful to her soon-to-be-husband and even he doesn't deserve that. However, we all know Karma's a bitch so she'll eventually give your ex a taste of her own medicine sooner or later.

    Don't expose her. Let her be. Cut contact with her.... If you're able to do this. I think you should ask yourself whether your heart or your head will "win" so if you end up being her "mistress" as you said, you better know what you're getting into.

    Wish you luck!
     
    #6
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  7. ByDesign

    ByDesign New Member

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    Thank you! I'm no longer in contact with her and have no plans for revenge. I am disappointed, but better off.
     
    #7
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