Closeness

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by after_the_comet, Feb 7, 2015.

  1. after_the_comet

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    I wanted to write this forum today, to ask if anyone else has trouble getting close to prospective significant others and remaining close once the chemistry has been going and signs of interest having been popping up?

    That's the problem I seem to be having. I've been hung up on the same girl for nearly six years. It never got more heated than steamy looks and a few "suggestions" that could have been taken to mean something- as at this time we were both young, from a small conservative town, and as strong of feelings i felt for her i never wanted to take chances on being out in the open or having my heart broken. We were fairly close friends though. And she doesn't know how I felt. Today, we keep only in casual contact once every few months and I haven't seen her in person for nearly three years. I miss her. For the longest time- I was sure I loved her. Of course now that is being put into question with the distance and all that, but that leads me to my current problem that has persisted over the past few years- that being that because I felt such "love" towards this girl for so long, I would begin to ignore/not flirt back with some really great beautiful, intelligent girls who (looking back) i'm sure were interested in me at the time. My heart was aching during that time (yes, I realize these feelings seem excessive considering how far I never got with my old "flame") and I still felt so invested in her that I felt disconnected from the idea of trying to find love with someone new. Disconnected is truly the perfect word to describe how I felt.

    While maybe my story seems pathetic to those of you reading, I want to ask for your advice- particularly if you have felt yourselves once having been in a similar situation. I don't want to miss another opportunity on a great girl again, and I know its up to myself to step up to the plate- but I would appreciate any advice.

    Much Love AE'ers xoxo
     
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  2. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    Hey. If I read your concern right, there are three parts to it.

    Firstly, you ask yourself the question of having a strong chemistry (or trying to build this chemistry) with a significant other and keeping it for as long as it's alive. In my opinion, personally, to build closeness or any form of chemistry it has to be a two way agreement. In that, it means what? You and your prospective significant other need to first know what you're looking for in being together. It's the whole idea of you ladies planning and working things out on how the bonding between you two would happen. I say that because, there are moments where it takes a tedious process for a couple to have 'an actual chemistry' between them so as to keep their relationship going (in most of the cases), and in others it's just spontaneous. But on the other hand, it's not always the case. You need to work yourself to that point or stage, before then realizing that it might end up working (or maybe not, depending on the efforts you've put in).

    Secondly, you mentioned of this 'girl' you've 'been hung up for a period of six years'. May I know why? To me, it tends to start becoming unhealthy to an extent where it's either 'leave or die' of a situation. See what I'm saying? On one hand, living in a conservative town it's never too easy to declare your feelings for someone without having that crowd of people criticizing all the time (not excluding your family members at times too). Plus, she may have not known how you felt because you may have neither confronted her up close about it the right way nor you may have found the right time or means to do so (not saying that you never tried). Anyway, you can always prove me about those two. Also; now if you ever told her about it, she would feel so neglected and indifferent about it because she'll think you've never had the chance to tell her of it (or at least hint her in small bits about it) the whole time you ladies were together. So now, it puts you in a hard situation because even if you two talk about it on a casual level at this point of time, it won't mean as much to her anymore as it would have when your feelings were still freshly beating off your heart. See the difference?

    And thirdly, your chances of finding someone else. My question to you is this: How would it be any different, from your previous experience(s), that you won't be tempted on having these mistakes repeating themselves again? When you mention about 'opportunity' of finding someone, to me it either means you're selling the idea that you desperately need to find someone by any cost or just that you're obliged to find someone. And now based on that, you're putting yourself on the race to rectify your mistake of never having had that chance you've needed before with this potential girl you mentioned. I may be wrong or missing out something. Listen, my dear friend. When it comes to finding someone to love, you see, it's something that you need to take your time to understand, cultivate your feelings for, and just be well-grounded emotionally and physically. Why? Because, you have to invest a tremendous amount of time finding that right person; and once you do, the time of getting to know them, opening up to them with the idea that it's a two way exchange (like I mentioned earlier) and every other thing in between - it's no child's play. So, you also have to know what you're looking for; since it's not something you just wake up one morning and expect to have by the end of the day; you need to find someone that best defines each other's principles and way of life, someone that completes each other, and just that unique individual that just makes everything else worth it. So, just be careful on that.

    I hope to have helped you to the best of my knowledge, capacity and bought light your concerns. Feel free to contact me anytime you have any other worries. I'm always here to listen and help. #HaveASafeWeekend
     
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  3. after_the_comet

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    Thanks for the reply Johille- you did hit at some of what I was getting at.

    regarding what you said:"Also; now if you ever told her about it, she would feel so neglected and indifferent about it because she'll think you've never had the chance to tell her of it (or at least hint her in small bits about it) the whole time you ladies were together. So now, it puts you in a hard situation because even if you two talk about it on a casual level at this point of time, it won't mean as much to her anymore as it would have when your feelings were still freshly beating off your heart."
    ^^^^I never really thought about it like this before. This statement definitely brought me back down to earth when i read it, and i realized how right you really are.

    And to elaborate a little more on my "problem"- its not that i feel obliged to find somebody or am desperately seeking someone, rather over the past few years I casually met some really great girls just through everyday life and when things seemed to be progressing to declaring our "liking or interest in one another" i pulled away, shutdown, and got quiet and "friendzoned" them, friendzoned myself i guess too, because i felt guilty about the possibility of starting to fall for someone else. So its not really a problem with "chemistry", its a problem with me being open to new possibilities and not being grounded in a mental commitment to the idea of my six-year lust that has gone nowhere. I haven't allowed myself to get close to these girls (emotionally moreso than physically at the the moment) and I want to know if others have ever experienced the same problem and perhaps how they have worked through it?
     
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  4. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    To be curious asking, why did you do that?
    Just because you:
    Now that doesn't make sense, in my opinion. Seriously speaking. On the other hand, if I can understand this more clearly, are you looking for an emotional and mutual relationship? Or you're just looking for lust and something physical with women?
     
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  5. after_the_comet

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    After much self reflection i did realize that yes, indeed the reasons why I was pulling away and shutting those girls out was because i felt guilty about starting something new while I was still mentally/emotionally hinged on the old girl. Is there perhaps another underlying reason that I have yet to find or admit in self-reflection? Perhaps.

    As far as what type of relationship I see myself in- I believe it depends how two people begin to fit together and the chemistry they have. With some girls it has began to start off as more physical and lust based, and with others the emotional connection and mutual support had begun to build before a physical connection came about. The ideal end product would ultimately be a relationship that both parties would find emotionally and physically fulfilling and supportive.
     
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  6. Johille Anderson

    Johille Anderson Well-Known Member

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    Well, to that note then, I believe it would be easier to get over the previous girl first (if you still haven't). Take some time to heal, reflect some more, and then start building yourself back up emotionally and mentally. From there onwards, you'll need to then figure out what it is that you REALLY and ACTUALLY want out of a relationship, as to when the time is right. Whilst in the process, find someone that best completes you no matter what happens between the two of you (regardless of the relationship you ladies are looking to have or build). From there now, the rest will follow accordingly.
     
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