Cheating with another lesbian

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by 123j, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. 123j

    123j New Member

    Dec 4, 2016
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    So my story is a lot complicated. I'm back in college working on another degree and I've fallen for an instructor. She has fallen for me too, and we will both admit it happened on the same day. Things have slowly developed between us, I broke off a long term relationship for the possibility to be with her, and she's in a somewhat new relationship, i.e. under 6 months. One day she asked to see me, and she kissed me. Needless to say, things have slowly developed over the past 4 weeks and we've now slept together twice. We both feel like shit for it, but the chemistry is amazing. I want her. I'm chasing her. She makes me feel things nobody else has ever been able to make me feel before. However, she said she's having a difficult time deciding between us. I'm having difficulty accepting the fact that she isn't even willing to tell her girlfriend the truth. I know I'm not innocent in any of this, and there's a good chance that I'm going to get hurt. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. Am I getting played?
  2. Emm

    Emm Well-Known Member

    Dec 1, 2014
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    Yep. If you're asking the question chances are you already know the answer. She doesn't seem willing to leave her girlfriend and honestly... If she's in a new-ish relationship and banging someone on the side chances are that she's not that great of a person to have a relationship with.
  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    She has chosen one for the commitment and you for the thrills. It is really hard to reject this type of advances, especially from a professor. There are reasons for colleges to forbid prof/student dating, the power imbalance for one, is immense. As long as you allow it, she will continue. You want more than she can give and that alone is unhealthy. Even if you were to get her to commit, would you trust her never to cheat on you?
    rainydaze and Bluenote like this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Yes, you are probably getting played.

    Let's start at the beginning - I don't want to assume that you have the same beliefs and desires about relationships that I do, so I will try and take that into account with how I answer your post.

    If you are just looking for a hookup and don't have issues with lying and cheating - then keep sleeping with her. If that is your desire (just hookups) and that is your moral code, then you can probably get what you want with her. That is - hot sex and drama, but no long term future and a big side of dishonesty.

    However, if you are looking for a relationship, look elsewhere. Simply put, if she cheats with you, she will also cheat on you. Even if you don't have a moral issue with cheating, there still is the practical concern that she isn't faithful in relationships. You can't realistically expect that she would suddenly pull a 180 and start being faithful to you. Unless you are ok with being cheated on, or with open relationships - then move on. I find it strange that you cheated with her, but now are frustrated that she won't tell her gf what is going on. What did you expect? Did you actually think she would leave her gf for you?

    If you do have a moral objection to cheating, then you also should move on from her. I don't see any point in giving you a big lecture on what you find morally objectionable about cheating - the lying, the emotional betrayal, etc..., etc...

    Now for the last bit. You broke up with a ltr relationship to chase after this woman. That is something that you really need to think about. Why did you do that? Did you leave a perfectly good relationship for sex and drama? Had your old relationship been 'dead' for a long time, but meeting new lady just made you finally deal with the truth? Did you even try to salvage your old relationship?

    People end relationships for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes, they jump ship for the promise of something better the minute the going gets rough. If you really want lasting ltrs, you can't just break up the minute things get hard, or something better maybe comes along. All ltrs will go through tough times, periods of disconnect, not being on the same page sexually, stress, etc... Frequently, these issues can be worked through if both partners are willing to make some changes and have patience.

    Of course, if your ex refused to make any changes, or your relationship had become way too toxic, that is a different story.

    Second, you ended an ltr to chase after a woman who is in a relationship. Why did you do that? Why didn't you stop and think 'hey, maybe it is really unrealistic of me to pursue an ltr with someone who is a cheater?'
    rainydaze and greylin like this.
  5. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    Well, I'm going to speak more harshly than usual; at least it sounds harsh for me.
    I disagree that your story is all that complicated. It actually sounds a little like a basic professor-student scenario, and sadly these happen far more often than professors are willing to openly admit (especially to the special "one" they are having affairs with). And they are fairly simple in their construction and predictability, although the characters in particular roles are often surprised and perplexed in the storyline.
    You probably feel like it is really complicated because it sounds like you are running on the adrenaline of a new and taboo relationship. You even used the word "chasing"...Well, we all know that running creates feel-good hormones in the body...that can be literally or figuratively.
    That is likely why the "chemistry" is like nothing you have ever felt before...because right now, that is exactly what it is "chemistry." Like a drug, not real, but very addictive and sometimes extremely destructive especially because judgement is compromised when one is acting on chemistry. You just can't think clearly, but it feels so good it must be right, right?

    You know this already or you wouldn't be posting to ask the questions and saying you both "feel like shit" about it.
    Love isn't supposed to feel like shit after, but drug use certainly does.

    So, you said you know that there is a good chance you are going to get hurt, and I'm going to agree with you on that...Either now...or Later...but the probability is very high that there will be pain involved.

    You are both adults. You will choose what you want, and that does not always mean you will choose what is good for you.

    The professor certainly knows the risks of engaging in sexual intimacy with a student; she has signed some sort of contract with her school indicating she knows their policies/expectations for moral conduct. I am not at all surprised she is not quick to want to tell her girlfriend! Can you imagine the outcome of that conversation???...when gf starts with the usual questions: when?!? Who?!? Where?!?
    One angry call to the school from a betrayed lover can result in a lot of drama and scandal for Teacher. Even if it doesn't end her contract, it can cause tons of gossip, embarrassment, and informal consequences for years to come, like consideration for future promotions.
    Chemistry alone doesn't always result in the reality of someone wanting to put her career and reputation on the line...But damn, it feels good during the chase.

    Reality can really suck sometimes, and not in a good way! ;)
    Good luck in sorting through what you want versus what you need & what is good for you. When they don't seem to match up no matter how you stack it, the outcome can get pretty ugly. Buckle up, because while I hear the ride is thrilling, the crash can be sudden and brutal. :confused:
  6. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    I'm late to the party -- but I sometimes find myself in the role of the Professor.

    Nevermind the fact that I'm married (I am really anti-cheating so normally my analysis would end there)..I cannot even remotely entertain the idea of abusing the trust of a student by crossing a line and involving myself in a relationship. I don't care that a contract says I can and cannot do certain things, but on a higher level, to me that compromises my ethics. Have I had students flirt with me? Yes. Does it make my ego feel good? Yes. Will they ever know it and will I ever allow it to progress beyond professor/student? No. I don't care how hot she is or how intelligent she me, there's something really kind of skeevy about being in a position to abuse someone's trust or manipulate her.

    Would my opinion change if, hypothetically I weren't married and found myself in a situation with a former student....probably. Once the professor/student relationship is no longer in the equation and we're equals....then maybe.

    OH..and while I'm at it...if she can't say that she wants to be with you...then she probably doesn't.
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2016
    greylin and rainydaze like this.
  7. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

    Jan 15, 2016
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    Either have fun with the instructor while you can and accept being the other woman or find yourself someone who's actually yours.
    greylin likes this.
  8. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I 2nd and 3rd on the teacher/student dynamic. For me, I think it would be one of the more blatant and egregious form of professional misconduct there is. Someone I know who had just been a TA and even in that capacity she viewed it as inappropriate. She would say that any faint hint, anything leading to something more is inappropriate. That is, to the point that a TA is never to even supposed to comment on a student's attire.

    123j, I understand you may think your situation to be exceptional. I really do. I mean, I have met exceptions where a professor had an affair with a student, married her and years later are still happily together. However, I would say from the little that you had described, even taking it out of the academic context, I would still find the teacher an iffy person for you. You have sacrificed for her and you may think that you want to see this through. However, I do hope you find it in you to just cut your losses. Well, I heard tell there is some Chinese saying about halting your horse before a cliff. You haven't gone over that cliff yet, there is still your academic life to think about. What you did, you did, please don't beat yourself up for it. Please be well and get through school first. Build yourself up and don't give up on your focus on a building a career.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2016

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