cant lose her

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by drew52, Oct 7, 2015.

  1. drew52

    drew52 Member

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    Ive been with my partner for 4 years. We love eachother very much and have talked about the future often (marriage, house, kids). In our relationship we struggle with intimacy, i have a low lobedo, shes opposite. I try to show as much physical affection as i can but she often expresses its not enough. She recently told me that if we dont fix things now that she doesnt think she can be married to me and be happy in that aspect of our relationship- infact she knows she wont be happy if our level of intimacy remains as it is. So either things get better or i lose my whole world.

    I enjoy sex, shes beautiful and sexy, i guess im just not in the mood as often as she is. I'm setting alarms to and consciouly making an effort to fullfill her needs. I cant lose her. Any suggestions or insight?
     
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  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Try couples counseling. Maybe see a doctor. Maybe there's psychological or other medical issues beneath the surface which are contributing to the fact that your libido isn't where it needs to be to satisfy your partner.

    Above all, communicate with one another as you work through this to try to solve the problem.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If my partner is giving me an ultimatum when I have done my best to the point that I am setting alarms to please her then she would have already lost me. I really would not want to be with, live with, in the same space with day in and out with someone who thinks I am just not good enough.

    Your libido is not too low it is just different than hers. If she is not content with it, it is just something to work through together. Don't have sex when you don't want to. It is damaging to you both. Even so, go to counseling and and give that a go.

    I do understand you wanting to take care of her. I feel the same way with my partner. I have a double standard where if she needs to be intimate and be touched, I would want to do so no matter how tired I am. But I would not want her to do so for me if she is tired and not feeling up to it for whatever reason. So like I am saying, I understand where you are coming from. But if I were to be under the pressure you are under, I would not find it fun and I would be quite upset at her.
     
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  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I'm pretty happy to bang a girl anytime she wants to get banged. But I have a much lower drive for being on the receiving end. "Sex" can be a lot of different things, it doesn't have to be intense and mind blowing orgasms for both partners.

    Now, for the really nsfw portion of things.

    I guess what I am trying to say is - what does your gf want from the more sex? Is there a compromise that you can both feel comfortable with? Would you be ok with taking care of her and then she gives you a back rub? Would she be satisfied by something like her masturbating while you touch her?

    Yes, sometimes couples have different libidos. Having a lower libido isn't necessarily something 'bad' or something that needs to be 'fixed.' Sure, if your sex drive has suffered because of illness, stress or depression, you should get that treated. But that is because you overall want to be healthier, not just to get your sex drive back.

    You shouldn't have sex when you don't want to. Like @greylin said - it is damaging for both of you. It can lead to all kinds of resentment and messy feelings. Right now you feel like you have been given an ultimatum which is likely to lead you to feel coerced - which is not good at all.

    I agree with @Spygirl that couples counseling could help. It is tricky business when your partner wants sex a lot more than you do, but you have the right not to feel coerced.
     
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  5. Frazier

    Frazier Well-Known Member

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    All couples will experience ups and downs in their sex life and you are not unique.However,to put an ultimatum and say we may not be together as a married couple is unfair.Relationships are so much more than sex and no two people will ever have the same sex drive at any given time.It's called love,understanding,compromise.communication,including companionship.If that is her position even after couples therapy,then marriage,kids and all isn't the route you should go down with this woman.Sometimes love just doesn't conquer all.......
     
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  6. drew52

    drew52 Member

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    She says that she needs to feel wanted, she needs me to initiate more sex, she wants to feel like i want her as badly as she wants me - and i do. I am very affectionate with my partner, but she wants the passion, i get that. She said once that she feels like my roommate sometimes, and that when we go two weeks without sex OR shes the only one initiating it, it makes her feel unattractive and unwanted.

    It does and doesnt feel like an ultimatum... She wants to marry me, but her concern is that we get married, and 5/10 years down the road shes so miserable with our sex life that she cant do it anymore. She said that shes bringing this up now so we can work on it before we decide to make a huge commitment.

    I understand how this makes her feel- i hate that it makes her feel this way and im willing to take whatever steps to fix this aspect of our relationship. Do you think this is the beginning of the end? am i fighting something thats destined to fall apart, or do you think its possible to find that balance?
     
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  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    With this clarification I really do think that going to a therapist to hash it out is wise. You know you want her but like @Bluenote has mentioned about the different types of sex, it is something you maybe able to compromise on. The devil is in the details at this point and having a 3rd party guiding the conversation between you two is a good investment.
     
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  8. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    Setting alarms for physical affection is really super unhealthy relationship behavior. Does you partner know you set these alarms? Is she ok with it? Because if she is thats a whole different problem.

    You sound like you both need to meet in the middle. You should absolutely not be having sex just because you are worried you are going to lose her. But maybe there are some things you both can do to understand each others side.

    Does she want you both to get laid to feel the passion(sorry, for lack of a better way to put that)? Not that you should ever, ever do something you're not in the mood for... but if you feel comfortable, can you satisfy her needs without it having to be a two way thing all the time.


    I get where your partner's coming from. She finds you attractive and wants to feel that you want her too(not that you don't but from her perspective). Maybe you both need to have a conversation about how you can spice things up or compromise when it comes to to who has a more active sex drive that the other.
     
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  9. drew52

    drew52 Member

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    I agree we should probably talk to someone - although it's realy hard to swallow my pride and admit that we need this kind of help. We are both young (mid to late 20s) and agree that this is the time that we should be Banging like bunnies, cause it wont get easier when life starts getting crazy.

    She actually suggested i set alarms for myself - i dont think it means that my "coming on to her" is inorganic. Its Similar to how some busy couples "schedule sex". Its not meant to be a chore, and hasnt felt that way yet.
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    The one thing conspicuously missing from your post -- and I've grappled with this and it may give you some insight -- but you say you've been together 4 years, but now this is a problem. So..questions you should be asking yourself:

    1. Was it always this way? If so, why did she wait 4 years to say something?
    2. Did the sex used to be more frequent and then we just got into a pattern of having different expectations/wants?

    FWIW, if I was in a relationship where your present sex life was the norm from the beginning....I'd think it would be pretty unfair for her to wait 4 years to make this an issue and I'd be wondering whether this was a symptom of a different underlying problem. If something changed from the beginning of the relationship to now, then I'd want to know why...and what can be done to fix it. Precisely why you might want to talk to a professional.
     
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  11. drew52

    drew52 Member

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    Spygirl - this is actually not a new revelation for us. We have struggled on this one thing for the greater part of our relationship. Its something that is brought up quite often. Thats not saying that it hasnt improved at all since day one - it has, slightly, but its been a work in progress.. And Now that she's told me her fears about our future, i need to take some more durastic action in improving our sex life rather than things being good for a month and then slipping again...

    Not saying theres anything wrong with me.. But im getting bloodwork done to check the ol hormone levels..
     
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  12. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    So, I think you can try to meet her needs a little more, sure. Get counseling. Set alarms (that would stress me out SO MUCH! but if it works for you). But at the end of the day, without hormone intervention or lasting, permanent effort on your part, I'm not sure that it won't return to a basic mismatch: she wants more sex and wants to feel desired in a way that is not immediate or authentic to you. (Full disclosure, I find myself a little put off by her assertion that you need to change your behavior in multiple ways in order to be happy - by coming on to her, pursuing her, wanting her as much as she wants you. I would gently put forward that the other way to look at this is that she needs to learn to see your desire and responsiveness as validating, too, in the ways that you express it. My house is a domain of enthusiastic, mutual consent, and sometimes we just don't have a lot of sex when we're waiting for the stars/hormones to line up. The sex we do have, though, is GREAT.)

    What might be useful to integrate into this is an ongoing, open-ended discussion about sex that isn't about having more, but about really understanding what it is in your relationship and why it's so important to each of you. For example: I've felt the way your girlfriend does - like I want to be desired, come on to, and am being rejected when it doesn't happen. It's a crap feeling, but it's not really my wife's problem to fix, because she is not rejecting me by wanting something different, she is not a mindreader and I'm responsible for my own well-being; we talked about how I can ask for validation, or initiate myself so that she can respond with enthusiasm and help me feel desired. Here are some things that could be in play, together and separately:
    1. Is it about intimacy? Are there other ways you can be intimate and feel close to another, that you can easily initiate? (I want sex but my wife doesn't? Sometimes I ask for her undivided attention over a glass of wine, or a candlelit massage.)
    2. Is it about orgasm? Sexual release? If that's it, masturbation is a very personally responsible way to get it done - er, off. I've held partners close and helped them out when I don't want to be touched, and been there for the post-coital cuddle.
    3. Is it a communication problem? Are there signals that she's giving that she wants to have sex that you're missing, and she ends up feeling ignored? Because you could talk about what those signals are, and practice paying attention to them - or she could amp them up a little. I used to play with my wife's hair in a very particular way when I was thinking about sex; she thought I was being affection, I thought I was sending signals. Disaster ensued. We talked about it, and now she knows what that means, and now I often will also tell her that I'm thinking about her and give her the opportunity to respond. Communication wins!
    It sounds like you're talking a lot about the not-enough-sex, and how your wife envisions a successful sex life and what you need to do to get to that vision, and not how to actually work with the bodies and minds and desires and hormones that you have. I think that you can both be satisfied without you having to do something unnatural and artificial, but it might require negotiation and compromise on both sides - and that means your wife reimagining what intimacy looks like too.

    Also, just saying that every year of my life I have enjoyed sex more, and felt more comfortable and secure expressing my desires and trying new things, and I've heard from lots of friends in their thirties and forties that that's been their experience too. So it's not like you're missing some magic window of good sex in your "mid to late twenties;" rabbitly enthusiastic sex can be a lifelong thing.
     
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  13. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I think each person's libido is as different as their personalities. In my current relationship, my libido has been low. From start to finish, and my girlfriend says the same things to me. She wants more affection, more attention, more passion and I've just been doing things as they come natural to me. I think that stressing yourself out trying to please her may end up making her feel better, but you could make yourself feel worse. I agree with the others that therapy could be beneficial, but I don't think I can give too much advice as my relationship is hanging by a thread at the moment. But I wish you a lot of luck!
     
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