Can't get over my ex

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Maria2525, Sep 11, 2015.

  1. Maria2525

    Maria2525 New Member

    Sep 11, 2015
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    Hi all - I'm new here. Looking for advice. First - a little background!

    I was with my ex for 4 years. I was feeling unloved and that I wasn't important to her so I thought we should take a break - which we did. During the break I met someone new. Right before I met this person I was considering getting back with my ex to give it one more shot. However, I hit it off with the new girl and fast forward 1.5 years later and she's my girlfriend. I love her and she is really good to me. Around the time when I met the new girl I was very distraught over the "right" decision. Do I date the new girl or get back with my ex? I spend A LOT of time mulling over that, talking to friends about it, etc.

    The bottom line, is I still very much love my ex. Not just care about her as a person but I never really got over her and I'm not sure if I ever will. I have too much "what if's" going on in my head. ie., what if we had gotten back together? It's selfish I know since I have a great gf now. I feel like I jumped too fast because I was looking for a distraction.

    The other problem is my ex has a new GF and just moved in with her. They have been together almost a year and I think are very much in love. (also FYI, my ex and I are both in our 30s)

    If we were both single, I'd want to give it another shot in a second (if she were willing). But we both have new GFs that we love and now it's messy. My heart is a mess. Every time over the past year at least, when I went somewhere where she was my heart would flutter. She has always been on my mind (have had dreams about her, etc) the past 1.5 years and recently it's gotten more pronounced. I think because she moved in with her GF and it hit me that she's very serious.

    I should be happy for her, but I'm jealous. I should be happy for myself. I am. Whenever I think about not getting back together with my ex or hear certain songs lately it literally brings me to tears (like My Immortal).

    The reality is I probably need to find a way to move on, lest I mess up more lives. Right? I need to love the one I'm with (so to speak), let my ex love the one she is with and find a way to get past all this. The hopeless romantic in me wonders if my ex was the "one" for me and I should talk to her at least. The realist in me thinks there are several "the ones" and I need to let it go and be happy with what I have. Ugh.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I think you may have the case of "I want what I can't have". You left your ex for a good reason, she did not give you what you need. You have all you need with this new girl but you are bored not having to chase it.

    I think people have evolved in a way that we like chasing things we don't have. It is good in some ways for survival but so not good when you need to love and be content with things that you do love but something else is nagging you that it is not enough. If you give up this gf, one day, you will see her all happy with someone else and you will regret this one and all the time that you spent mentally away from her. Live in the present, it is a lot harder and more challenging (and fulfilling) than you'd think.
    Gentry and Bluenote like this.
  3. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Here is some truth for you: your ex is no longer available.

    So, tough cookies, girlfriend. She has a new partner, is happy, and is making a go at moving on - which is what she thought you were doing this whole time - and getting back with her is no longer an option (at least not without some pretty severe, disrespectful, and unkind shenanigans). I think you know this, even if your heart and hormones don't. My mom's solution for situations like this was to break something, swear loudly three times, and turn around in a circle.... and then to walk away, because what you want to happen is not a possibility and you unfortunately can't rewind time.

    At the same time, I think you should remind yourself of why you broke up with her: you felt unloved. That is a pretty serious charge coming from the person in your life whose role is pretty much loving you. You might like and love a lot of things about her, but at the end of the day, you decided that the sum of the parts was not good enough and that you deserved more. You still do.

    But I don't think that you should, necessarily, just content yourself with the one you're with. It's not very fair to your current girlfriend to be hung up on someone unattainable and probably idealized. If this hangup/crush is as serious as you describe, I have to believe it would be interfering in your current relationship, and that your emotional involvement with an at-this-point imaginary woman would prevent you developing an honest love and partnership with this woman who is apparently putting up with all the swooning and crying over someone else. If you want to stay with her, you have to do the real and pressing work of being present in the relationship you're in now, not seeing her as someone to bide time with until returning to your ex or finding the next "one." If you can't do that, you should break up with her - not because you want to be with someone else, but because you need to heal yourself so that you can be a good and fair and loving partner.
    Emm, greylin, Spygirl and 2 others like this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    I think that lorienczhui basically said it.

    It can be hard to make decisions and close doors. It can be hard to say "I am going to do x, and let go of ever being able to do y." It can be very easy to spend a lot of time "what iffing," to the point where we are so caught up in our heads that we aren't really living our lives.

    I think that the answer to your dilemma lies in being really honest with yourself. I think that you need to ask yourself some tough questions.

    1) You broke up with your gf because you didn't feel loved. Then you started wondering if you should give it another shot with her.

    Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity. Do you have any reason to believe that if you had gotten back together, things would have been different? It's not like you gals broke up because of something that has a clear fix (we didn't spend enough time together, ok, put more effort into the relationship).

    You broke up because of something - out of your control. Your ex-gf either loved you, or she didn't. Dating her multiple times is not likely to make her love you more.

    2) Do you have a history of chasing unavailable people, or staying in relationships / friendships were you aren't valued? Some people have unfinished business. Maybe they grew up in a dysfunctional family, the child of divorce, etc... They can be left with unfinished business - reenacting their losses, getting into similar kinds of relationships as an adult. If this is the case for you, then therapy can help you see these patterns and break free of them.

    You have a gf who loves you and treats your well. Why would you drop that for a girl who didn't love you?

    3) Do you have a history of what iffing lots of decisions and doubting yourself? If so, a little therapy can help you learn to doubt yourself less and be more comfortable making decisions.

    4) Just because we love someone, doesn't mean that we should be with them. I had an ex who had a drug problem. What started out as an occasional social thing, turned into hard drugs socially, turned into a real problem - very quickly. So I broke up with her. And though I still love her and miss her, it was not the right thing to date her (she oded a couple of years ago).

    That happens sometimes. What our heart wants and what is good for us can be different things. You loved your ex, but she didn't love you. Going back with her and getting your heart stomped on again wouldn't achieve anything. Some people learn after one stomping, some people take a couple of stomps and some people never learn.

    I try to be of the one stomp variety "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." It has served me pretty well in my life.

    5) Lorienczhui makes a great point that thinking about your idealized ex-gf can be interfering with your ability to be with your current gf. Are you idealizing your ex? This girl you are thinking about is who you want your ex to be, or who you think your ex is - not who she really is. Of course ideal relationship girl is better than your current gf. Because imaginary relationship girl always does the dishes, makes you feel loved, is amazing in bed, etc... But - that girl isn't real, that is in your head. So how does that match up with the reality of what things were like with your ex?

    6) What iffing about your ex gf can be interfering with your ability to commit to your current gf. Do you spend lots of time thinking about your ex, instead of enjoying your current gf? Try to pay attention to how often you what if, or think about your ex, while you are with your new gf. Then, when you catch yourself doing it, try to focus on your gf. Is she kind to you? Does she look / feel / smell good. Are you having fun with her, or enjoying day to day? You will be surprised how much you are missing by being trapped in your head.

    7) Your gf is taken. You can't get back together with her. Accept that and move on.
    lorienczhiu and greylin like this.
  5. Maria2525

    Maria2525 New Member

    Sep 11, 2015
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    Thank you all - and thanks for this very detailed response! :)
    greylin likes this.
  6. pikatan2

    pikatan2 Well-Known Member

    Oct 28, 2014
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    well, this is a messed up situation on your part... all I can say is good luck

  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    In addition to the other excellent answers -- I find it a bit selfish that you think that your ex would want to get back together with you after you broke it off with her. She's moved on.

    Time does not make a relationship -- despite being together for 4 years, the fact that you felt unloved and unimportant is HUGE. The thing is -- taking a break doesn't change what's ultimately wrong in a relationship. You don't treat the symptoms of a problem to make the underlying problem go away; you treat the problem. In my experience -- breaking up and getting back together multiple times over never works if you don't address the issues. Sweeping them under the rug while you're back in that "infatuation" stage only means that those problems will resurface again at some point.
    lorienczhiu, Bluenote and greylin like this.

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