Can you say "I love you" too much?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Ooohwhatprettystars, May 16, 2015.

  1. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I know that everyone has a different opinion on this, so I want to ask, what do you think? Can you say "I love you" too much to your significant other?

    I ask because, yesterday, my girlfriend literally told me about 10 times in 8 hours. And I am very grateful that she loves me, and I love her, but.. I feel like sometimes, especially yesterday, she is saying it just to have me validate my feelings and say it back to her? She normally tells me at least 5-10 times a day, in person, not counting ending phone calls. I have never expressed my feelings multiple times a day like that, I do of course say it at night before going to sleep, at the end of phone calls, and randomly but not that many times a day at all.

    Am I being stupid? I feel like I can't ask her about it because she will just get upset. She's the type that gets upset and then tries to hide it (which doesn't work because I can read her pretty well) or she gets upset and shows that she is upset and is a wild card about how she will go about dealing with being upset.

    I am just trying to figure this out..I do random things to show her that I love her, but I feel like unless I do something that she specifically wants me to do to show her affection then its overlooked. If that makes sense, I'm not really sure how to describe my thoughts sometimes. Anyway.. let me have those opinions, constructive criticism, anything!

    Oh and we have been together for almost a year, we were together before for a year and mutually split due to arguing and differences. This time has been significantly better, however like all couples we still have our problems.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I think you are hoping for that magic key to make yourself feel more comfortable so you don't have a fight with her about it. But I think maybe you and your gf need to rethink how you communicate with each other.

    My long term relationship and I say it more times than that because it feels good for us to say so. Does it feel like a chore or more like a query for you? Perhaps you weren't ready to say it to begin with? Perhaps your relationship last time and this time all happened too quickly for your comfort? You probably will need to figure out how you and her can declare a sacred space to talk over things without feeling like someone is ending things. Tell her you just want to get on the same page and ask her if she feels reassured in the relationship. Sure, life is too short to not tell your loved ones you love them every which way, but maybe that is just not your way to express it as much and certainly not as an obligation. At this point most people might think of the love language book, and it is a good piece of the puzzle in understanding your partner and have your partner understand you. You have decided to be a couple and you are a couple, all you can do is try to reach her with kindness, understanding and assurances. You can also make it playful, do simple and, oh yeah, sexy things that she likes and let her know it means another, "I love you." when you do it.
     
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  3. Avatar Korra

    Avatar Korra Member

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    say it whenever you feel like, you don't have to feel uncomfortable every time just because she will get upset
    if she's smart, she sees your love for her through your actions. or at least you can remind her that
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Yes, it can absolutely be too much. I think the term "I love you" is often confused with actual love. And YES, there's a difference, especially if people don't have the first clue about what love really is. From your post, it sounds as if your girlfriend is completely insecure, and thus, says I love you because she's afraid of losing you. So it's more for her than you but also as her mechanism that, if she says it, you'll absolutely positively know that she loves you and you won't do anything to fuck it up.

    Frankly -- that kind of insecurity, almost desperation...is a turn off. I say "I love you" many times to my wife..but I've never counted how many times during the day I say it. The point is..we KNOW we love each other without having to say it a million times. When we do say it...it's sincere. It sounds like in your situation, your girlfriend (and frankly you) are both uncertain.

    And for the record...I hate the "like all couples we still have our problems".....NO....not all couples have problems. A year together and the honeymoon's over and your'e arguing? Don't stay in a relationship because it's comfortable. I've had many of those relationships....the one where "like all couples we still have our problems"...I can honestly say that my marriage is relatively problem free...and the problems that DO happen are ones not caused by either of us..but extraneous forces...like, I can get shitty after a really long day at work (and owning my own law practice gives me the right sometimes to feel completely overwhelmed and feel shitty...yet I NEVER take it out on the wife).

    The excessive "I love yous"..in this case...I think are borne from insecurity and are a device to keep you close.
     
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    Last edited: May 17, 2015
  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I think that when you are both at the same level in a relationship, it doesn't matter. And no one is counting how many times it;s said. But it can be really hard for someone to be pushing for an amazing constantly romantical relationship all the time. Especially because long term relationships aren't like that. I'm not saying you don't have any romance, but you can find that in watching a movie on the couch together.

    So when someone is trying to push you into a place you're either not there yet or you're actually perhaps at a more advance place in your relationship that her and you might be in the 'ok the honeymoons over im perfectly content to get on with life but life with you' stage. Which might sound a bit confusing, but once the honeymoons over you start drifting back into ordinary life where it gose from all romantic dinners to 'did you get the milk (and not in a bad way, but not everything is on a cloud because stuffs gotta get done)'. Quite frankly i've loved both parts with my girlfriend.

    Anyway, my long winded point is some people find it harder to get into the second stage and push too much for the over romantical. Which in turn can end up pushing someone away.

    My only other thought is, if you are not digging the love word constantly, perhaps you are not at the love stage yet.
     
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I don't think that there is a right number. I think everyone says it and is comfortable saying/ hearing it a different number of times.

    My question for you is - do you love your gf? It sounds like you are in the place where little things about her are annoying you / you are judging them. Which is usually a sign that 1) those 'problens' are adding up to resentment 2) you have fallen out of love 3) all of the above.

    So honestly, how much does she do that annoys/ frustrated you? How much can you accept her and appreciate her differences? How much can you accept her faults and quirks?

    I think @Spygirl makes a good point that your gf seems insecure. But there can be a dynamic - she is insecure so you withdraw. Or you withdraw so she feels insecure.
     
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  7. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you for your replies! I have tried to talk to her about her possibly feeling insecure and if there was something I was doing or not doing to make her feel that way, but she has denied it. She just keeps replying that she is fine and that everything is fine.

    I normally do not count how many times a day we say "I love you" that was just a random thing the other day that just seemed very excessive to me, I think because when she said it, it seemed empty and like she was saying it just to hear me say it back. Like she was looking for reassurance.

    Sorry Spygirl, you do make a good point. Not all couples do have problems. Most couples I know personally do have some sort of problem be it finances (which make them argue), trust issues, etc.. But I also don't have many friends to begin with so it could very well be just my social pool of friends/family that has problems lol.

    I have also asked her if she knows that certain little things I do are my way of showing affection sometimes, even though its not the same way that she does. And she said she knew that. But I feel like she just isn't telling me that she is unhappy or doesn't want to rock the boat.. I'm all about communication and am open to any concern or feeling that she has, and I have expressed that to her multiple times.

    I think I am aggravated because insecurity is deeply unattractive to me, so therefore you may be right Bluenote, her insecurity may be causing me to withdraw myself. But she says she is not insecure? So what do I do?
    I know 100% that she is insecure, she has always had a small touch of insecurity since we first started dating, however it has spiked in the last two weeks.

    I am a very independent person. I feel comfortable in my relationship and don't really need constant validation from her. She goes out with her friends as she pleases and does what she wants to, I never say anything about it. Her best friend is her ex girlfriend, whom she was engaged to at one time, and she still tells her that she loves her. And I'm fine with all of this.

    Greylin, I feel like parts of it may have happened too quickly but all has been fine until lately. I think our age difference also is against us right now. For instance, I'm still in school and have about two years left total, and she wants to get married ASAP and have a child in the next year. I want that life and am working toward that life, I just don't want to rush into it before I am ready. Yet I feel guilty for being that way because she is significantly older than me.

    I just feel like my head is going to explode. I've tried talking to her but she just says everything is fine. I feel like something has changed lately and I don't know what to do if she doesn't see it.
     
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  8. Turquoise

    Turquoise Member

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    I personally say it really often as well, I guess you have two types of people. One that feels everything excessively, and one that is more moderate or can stay more grounded.

    When i'm with my girlfriend I feel as if my affection, love and attraction for her overrule everything else in that moment and feel the need to express my feelings excessively. So I tell her I love her often, kiss her and hug her constantly and feel as if i'm brimming with love all the time. In the past I used to buy her so much presents, it would drive me insane that I didn't get the same amount of attention put into showing me she loved me back from her. But eventually i've learned that her way of showing love is completely different from mine, it's there in the little things as you say. I know another couple with the same dynamic, which can be destructive both ways when there is no understanding of each others way of showing love.

    Although I have to say, my girlfriend never, ever told or made me think she got annoyed by me being affectionate in words or actions..
     
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  9. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    That she's not admitting insecurity does't mean she's not feeling it. (And insecurity is a major turn off for me too) Clearly communication is a problem if you sense she's not telling you the real story -- I say insecurity as well because she's ready to get married and have a kid, like now. That kind of pressure is huge -- especially if you're not ready for it on her timeline.

    Stop feeling guilty for what you want...you should take the time to finish school and enjoy a career before you decide to get married and have a kid...otherwise, you'll find yourself living the life she wants you to live out of guilt...and end up resenting her in the process. Guilt is not a good reason to compromise who you are.
     
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  10. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps a way to start having a real conversation with her on how you feel is next time she says, "I love you" and waiting for your response. Sounds like that is the time to get her attention. You can start by saying, "I love you, let's talk."

    If you are not on the same page now, having children is a complete life-sucking nightmare.
     
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  11. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Haha greylin, yeah I want to make positively sure when the point of having children comes around that we are absolutely on the same page.

    Spygirl, I indefinitely feel the pressure. It's hard to explain to her that I do want those things, however, I'm not ready for them just yet. I feel guilty because she is wonderful and I love her and want to make her happy, but I know that if I am not ready it will crumble.

    After our earlier conversation she is now apologizing and telling me she feels bad that I thought she was insecure and that she is totally fine? I was never really looking for an apology, I just wanted to communicate so there was no misunderstanding about anything. She has this routine after we talk about serious things that she apologizes for whatever and says its all her fault.

    Ultimately I feel that we have a problem communicating. But I don't know what to do about it. I honestly think she bottles up her emotions and thoughts because she is afraid to rock the boat. A lot of things don't bother me, but I will be vocal and absolutely tell her if I'm upset or whatever I may be feelings. I make sure that she knows she can always talk to me, but she just sweeps it under the rug and acts as if nothing is wrong or says that she was just being stupid and wants to move past it.
     
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  12. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Poor lady, someone's done her real bad. Counseling?
     
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  13. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    I thought about counseling, but I'm afraid suggesting it would send her over the edge. She has not really had any bad relationships to my knowledge. I've been the insecure one before in a relationship, however I was insecure because I was in an abusive relationship and had no self-esteem or confidence. I'm not quite sure where hers stems from. She sees a therapist on occasion, but I don't know how long it has been since she has had a visit.
     
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  14. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    It maybe something deeper in her background, like the way she was brought up? If you are thinking about having a family one day maybe use that as a lead in to get her to talk more about her childhood. Since she already has a therapist she can go to, if emotions shake loose in a conversation she may see someone on her own.
     
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  15. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You deserve to have an honest relationship -- and you're not getting it. She's tiptoeing around, apologizing for things that aren't her fault and not being truthful in her communications with you (and yes holding back is not being truthful as well) because she's afraid that she will lose you. Clear insecurity and lack of self esteem are evident.

    This kind of behavior would leave me second guessing....like..is she saying all this b/c I WANT her to say it or is she saying it b/c it's how she really feels? I wouldn't want someone who isn't honest and who isn't afraid to stand on her own two feet even if it means having a difference of opinion.

    And that you're afraid to suggest things like counseling? Her actions are forcing you to withhold what you're honestly feeling out of fear. Relationships are about discourse and different vantage points and respecting each other for those differences, yet you're compromising what you want to say out of fear and she's not being honest with you out of fear. Unless you rip the proverbial band aid off the wound, you'll never get past this. I'd suggest counseling so that you both can learn to communicate -- independently and honestly. As I said before, her actions may have you resenting her if things don't change.
     
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  16. Ooohwhatprettystars

    Ooohwhatprettystars Well-Known Member

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    Thank you ladies! Things seem to have worked themselves out somehow, I mean I talked to her but nothing was ever officially resolved to my knowledge. She seems to have backed off on the affection, not completely but back to normal. So who knows?..
     
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  17. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Then she's biding her time because she's afraid to rock the boat....think long and hard about how you proceed from here, especially if things remain unresolved "to your knowledge."
     
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  18. Gentry

    Gentry Active Member

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    My girlfriend says "i love you" all the time and I never got annoyed with it. I think it's super sweet, i didn't say it as much before but being with her changed me on this aspect. Idk, but, in a way, it made me love her more. Even if it was said out of insecurity, it melts my heart to know that this super gorgeous girl wants me that much. I tell her i love her and that she should trust our love and think of all the things we've been through because of this love.

    Your case seems to be different though. Relationships need transparency. Your connection may be getting barred by her "dishonesty" and that, in my opinion, is unhealthy. It's important for you to settle this as soon as she is ready to talk about it because this will inevitably rise up again sooner or later.

    Goodluck!
     
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  19. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

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    She sounds extremely needy. After a while you'll get tired of responding then she'll question your feelings. Pretty soon you'll hate hearing those words. You should ask her why she says it so obsessively.She needs therapy.
     
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  20. XxSeraxX

    XxSeraxX New Member

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    I'm in a similar issue. My husband says it a LOT, he said it a lot when we were just dating, but i thought it was because it was new to us saying it, and you want to shout it from the rooftop kinda thing.

    Don't get me wrong, i love him very much, i have mentioned once or twice in the past am that i found it odd how excessively he said it and not that it was necessarily bad, but just not something I'm used to and he had one of those "okay then i won't say it anymore reactions" so i dropped it.
    We've been married 3 years and it's still constant and I've noticed out of habit i say it first sometimes just throughout the day and when i hear it come out of my mouth it depresses me, the words don't have the weight they used to and i miss that.

    Before i met him (since i truly feel in so many other ways he's the one) i didn't believe in marriage, swore i never would and believed "love" was a chemical imbalance that homosapiens used to justify their propagation or to manipulate others into getting them into the sack.

    But now that i found someone i actually feel that way i about, less is more IMO, i want to say it when i feel it, but also let it build up. Maybe he's saying it when he feels it? Would that be wrong? Am i being too critical? Is it absolutely imperative to tell me you love me before walking to the bathroom or as you're going to check the mail?

    To me, personally, you never know when your last goodbye/i love you will be, so always let your loved ones know that you love them, i think saying goodnight, after making love, when you're leaving the house for a while (work, trip etc) or when you're getting off the phone are all valid times, but anything beyond just seems excessive to me.

    Anyone have any suggestions for me?
    (As i Bogart the OPs page, lol i made an account just to throw out my query since Google sent me here when i searched my issue which is very similar to OPs)
     
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