Can we stay friends after this?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Oct 12, 2013.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

    Aug 11, 2013
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    Hi! :) Here goes my story.

    About a month ago, I started talking to this girl, M. on FB. We chatted everyday. I kinda liked her, we flirted a bit, but nothing serious because we haven't met yet, at that time. She studies in the same city as me, so we knew we'll meet when the summer is over.

    Our talks were about ex girlfriends and other stuff, she told me she still loves one of her exes, even though that girl has moved on and is living in another country. I tried to be supportive, but something inside of me, felt somehow glad that her ex is not around anymore.

    We finally met. We talked over a beer and then, she invited me over to one of her friends' house. I said "no", but later that night, I finally accepted to go. So there were the 3 of us, just chilling. We hanged out and then, we went to sleep. All night long, she held me in her arms and it felt so good. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't know if she was just cuddling me like a friend or if she liked me. Next day, when we woke up, we left pretty early. I was sad that I had to say goodbye to her. But, after a few hours, she invited me to her place. Well, I accepted and bought a bottle of wine and went to her. We watched some movies and we cuddled and she kissed me. I was so happy and we kissed a lot, I felt like I was about to burst with joy. She was so sweet all the time, kissing me and holding me. I spent the night, no sex involved, and she kept cudding me all night long and making sure I'm well covered and warm.

    A couple days later, I was back at her place. We kissed again, things heated up pretty fast, but I told her I'm not into one night stands. She understood so we kissed some more and that was the limit. We planned on going to a lesbian party at the end of the weekend. The party was last night.

    Before going to the party, I asked her if she minds if I kiss her in public, since there were going to be some of her exes and some of our friends. She said that she is fine with it. She also said that, she knows that i'm into relationships, but she doesn't feel like having one right now because she is still not over her ex. I wasn't surprised at all so I tried to act chill. She also told me that she likes me, but she is afraid that she might not feel as much as i feel for her, because she is still in love with her ex. M. said that she is up for "playing" if I want to. But I declined the offer because I actually like her and I couldn't just go and kiss her and touch her without falling in love.

    So we went to a bar to drink and dance a bit before going to the actual party. She was really sweet, dancing with me and holding my hand. Then, we went to the party. Danced a bit there too and suddenly, I see her going outside with a girl. Thought she might be going to the bathroom or something. She came back, stayed a bit and then left with that girl again. It was obvious what was happening. I felt horrible. At this point, a friend of ours said she is going home because she has to work the next day. I decided to go with her since it was obvious I had nothing left to do. We tried to reach her so we can say goodbye, but she wasn't answering her phone. So we just left. After 30 mins, she called me. Told me she is sorry she disappeared like this and all that. Today, she also said she is sorry and she doesn't want to lose my friendship.

    Now, I don't know what to do. I like her a lot and I feel hurt. I know that she can do whatever she wants, she is not my girlfriend, she doesn't have to give me any explanations. She wants us to still be friends, but I don't know if I can do it. I have to meet her tomorrow, to give back a book she gave me. But I just want to give it to her and leave. I think I should stay away for a while, but I'm afraid that, once I'm ready to be her friend again, things won't be like they were before we got "involved". So...what do you guys think I should do? Should I take a step back for a while and not contact her or try to be her friend now, even if it hurts? I don't know if she will be in a relationship with the girl from last night, but if she will be single, I'm afraid I won't be able to control the urge to kiss her and hold her again.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    There are women who are for one reason or another not into relationships and can be really up front with women for just hookups and still getting into messy situations. The women who understood the situation and did the hookups probably thought they could handle it and not develop feelings but still did anyway. In the same way, friendships can be just as intimate as hookups and the slopes just as slippery into realms of the romantic feelings for someone.

    So you are very careful and clever not to just hookup with her and are now even questioning continuing a friendship with her. You are sensing your limits and respecting them. I think if I were you I would not invest too much time into this friendship either. She is not making all the best choices because of her ex and that will be her main focus and it is not much of a good start of a friendship anyhow. I would not be so rigid and tell her I want to stop being her friend but just pick up and do something else and find other people to do things with. Surely, this thing with her, while the kissing was blowing your mind, cannot be all that fun.

    I am suspecting that her hookup at the club was a show for her ex and she knew better than using you for that. She does like you to a degree but not enough to be worthy of you. She knows that.

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