Can I forbid her this?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Diana, Apr 8, 2014.

  1. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Hello, everyone! I have a big problem. I'm in love with this girl, I never felt so in love with someone in my life. I had a few girlfriends, but this one really stole my heart. We've been through a lot. I'm living in another city because i'm in college and she is still in our hometown. We see each other as often as i can. Her profile: she gets angry very easy, she is very impulsive, she drinks (she is not an alchoholic), smokes, gets in fights. I'm quite the opposite, except from the drinking part, i also drink when i go out. But i'm calm and i try to temper her everytime she gets angry. I don't like when we fight so i try to make it up everytime, even though, a lot of times, i'm 100% it's not my fault we fought.

    The problem is that she started talking about drugs, like taking LSD. We talked about it once and i told her if she takes that, i'm breaking up with her. She told me she won't do it because she doesn't want to lose me over this silly thing. I thought we are over that. Now, she told me she wants to go to the sea side in the summer. And i was like "ok, i want that too". Then she told me "yeah...about that, i don't want to just go and do nothing". And i asked her what she meant by that. She said she wants to take stuff, smoke stuff, LSD and snort stuff. She said that it's only a few days, that it's ok. Now, i told her again that if she does any of that, i'm breaking up with her. I made it very clear that it's not a threat, but that i can't let her do that to herself. She has some health problems and i'm constantly worried about her when she feels sick. Now, if she wants to do more damage to her body, i can't be ok with that. She started saying that it's not fair for me to break up with her over this. And then i told her she has a second alternative. She can buy the stuff she wants and i'll give her money to buy me the same things and we'll do it together. She said she can't do it. The thing is, i would never take that crap, but i wanted to make her see that those things are not so innocent if she is afraid to give them to me.

    So...what do i do now? She kept saying that it's not fair for me to put her in this position, that it's her life and it doesn't affect me if she takes drugs. Am i doing something wrong? Because i tried to see her point of view and I still think i'm doing the right thing, if not for her, at least for me. She is not a drug addict, but if she picks the drugs over our relationship, i will have to walk away. I think this is very immature of her, to make such a big fuss over not letting her to take this things. So i'm asking you...is it ok for me to put her in this situation? I know i can't be with someone who takes drugs and she says it's only one time, but one time is enough for me to get scared and worried. And i don't see why she would chose to put me through this. What would you do if you were in my place?
     
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  2. Raiden

    Raiden Well-Known Member

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    You did a smart thing about putting her in your position and she is denying it without any good argument. If I were you, I'd try with her for once only. I smoked pot because I was curious why is so overrated; but I am one that doesn't need stimulants to have fun. I agree more with the idea that most of the times, non-creative people use drugs to have fun, who are soaked of energy, of imagination, of strength, they don't have the courage to do whatever they want and they think that only drugs can wipe out those barriers. When you can, you should go on vacation or something, take her on an adventure and show her that, you can still have a lot of fun in life without drugs. Also, be sure about yourself that, YOU are not going to be trapped in the web of drugs, only if you are going to try and it will be some amphetamine. LSD isn't dangerous like cocaine or heroine (which I'd put a huge ugly fight for that), you will have hallucinations, it will depend on your emotional status and how strong you're mentally.
    Theoretically speaking, if she would continue and you would leave her, she would feel alone and fall in the abyss of drugs. I think this is the worst thing someone can do to the other one, turning its back on her instead of fighting to the end.
     
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  3. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    I won't try anything, i'm scared and even if i weren't, i don't wanna do it. I don't want to do it for anybody. As much as i love her, i won't do this for her. I would do anything for her, but this. Also, she is 17 and i'm 21. She wants to go to the sea side and take drugs because she will be away from her parents so they won't be able to control her. But i want to go with her to spend time with her, not take care of her and not be able to even talk to her because she'll be wasted. Also, i told her that she can smoke pot, but that's all i feel ok with her doing. Maybe i'm narrow minded when it comes to this, but i'm afraid to let her take drugs.
     
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  4. Raiden

    Raiden Well-Known Member

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    Nah, on the contrary, you think nice. Drugs are not cool and is for uncool people.
     
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  5. RVT

    RVT Well-Known Member

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    You cannot control her, but you can control what you do.

    It's not unfair for you to have boundaries in your relationship - that's exactly what this is. If you don't want a gf that does drugs, then you should walk away. And I wouldn't blame you. She might do all sorts of things under the influence of LSD and other substances...including cheating on you. A drug-addled mind is a dangerous one and it sounds as if your gf does not have the maturity to understand that.

    You need to be strong and firm about this. You are already respecting her pot habit - she does not need to add other drugs to it.
     
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  6. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    She is your drug and you need to quit her already. Otherwise you are in this parenting, drug counselor position and you are no longer a girlfriend. There are a lot of nice, clean college age ladies you can find. You can't care for a person wanting to take drugs.

    You are not the cause for her to take it nor are you, should you be the cause for her not to take it. She wants to and she will just do it. Have nothing to do with her drug habit if you really want to stay with her. She goes somewhere to do drugs, you won't be there.
     
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  7. Cricket

    Cricket Well-Known Member

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    Wow she is not my type at all. My opinion is that you are attracted to the idea of her, not who she actually is. If you actually go over the profile you made up of her, you will see what an unattractive personality she has. Ugh. Just no.
     
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  8. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    I get it that i only mentioned bad parts about her, but i wanted you to get the picture of how her personality is and how hard it would be for me to control her. She also has great things to offer. Even though she gets into fights to defend herself or other friends, she would never hit me or let anyone harm me. She is also very loving when we are together and even if we don't see each other as much as we would like to, when i'm with her, her world spins around me and nobody else matters. I know she is difficult and i'm sure i have plenty of issues too. She has bad habbits and gets angry and yells and i try to get over that because this things happen when we are apart. When we are together, it's different and perfect and she is proud to have me as her gf and we always have a good time going out with our friends. Tonight i'm taking a train to spend my Easter Break at home and i'll be there 17 days. I know we'll have a great time and i'll try to not think so much about this issue as long as she doesn't bring it up again. Because if she does, i'll have to break up with her, even though she will tell me that she didn't take anything. But as the subject keeps coming up, i feel like she really wants to do all of this and she is trying to convince me to change my mind, which i won't do. Also, it doesn't help the fact that friends of hers ask her to buy pills for them. She tells me she doesn't take pills because she cares about me, but i feel like she is saying it with regret.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I could be wrong but you sound like a few people I know who were in abusive relationships. They'd often drag out the "whole picture" of the person when people point out how destructive the relationships were. I don't like the yelling and anger stuff. So she doesn't hit but she is yelling at you? It is also not fun when you like someone a lot but you just want to change a couple of things about them and want to be able to control them. It is good that you are trying to set boundaries and let her know your deal breakers, but if such boundaries are not handled carefully, it could soon morph into a method of control and she will rebel against that. I don't think she will drop the drugs thing for you, she might just not tell you or tell you much later to set a new normal.

    If I were you and still want to stay in the relationship. I would give her one final, unemotional spiel on what could happen to people on LSD. I would then say that from this day on I will have nothing to do with her drug use. I will not want to hear it or see it or be around her when she is on anything at all. I will not be "chill". Also, I might call it quits at any given moment because of her drug use.

    I still remember when John Bellushi died from an OD and I remember hearing about his widow saying that for a long time she had stopped being involved in any way with his drug habit. She would not be a part of it nor would she be the one to help him curb it. I think that helped her survive and stay sane.

    Please take care.
     
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  10. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    I've been thinking about me and her while i was on my way back home, which is a 7 hours train ride. I have talked to my best friend and he told me to just tell her that that's the best i can do, those are my limits. If she can't handle those, i should break up with her. And i agree. I love her, but i haven't been happy in the last couple of days, not being able to eat and all my enthusiasm about coming home and seeing her has dissapeared because of the drug discussion. I always thought i am a smart girl, capable of saying "no" and walking away with her head up high if things drag me down. With her, it has been different and even though i love her and i'll suffer, if she doesn't change her attitude towards me, i'll walk away. At this point, i gave her all that i have and i'm exhausted to fight and to be the one that apologises just to end the fight. I don't want to become a girl without respect for herself, who lets someone abuse her. I always said i won't be in that place and that i deserve better. I deserve more than a moment of happiness in a sea of angryness and yelling.

    The only problem would be that we live in a small city and we have a lot of common friends and we go to the same places and we'll bump into each other all summer long. But oh well...i still hope these days will change something in her, since i will be here. I'm actually going to her house in an hour and seeing her.
     
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  11. MakeMeLaugh

    MakeMeLaugh Well-Known Member

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    You cannot control what people do. If this is how she wants to live her life, then so be it. What you can control is what you put up with. You can't tell people if you do this then I will break up with you; because what you really want in life is someone that does not do those things because they have similar morals/beliefs/whatever you want to call them as you do. Successful relationships are most prominent when two people share similar beliefs/morals especially when it comes to morals and finances. You do not have to agree on everything but the major things should be similar. That is not to say that you have similar interests but it helps if you guys can agree on things like drug use. So this is an argument that you will have with her long term. If you do not wish to be with someone who is interested in drugs, then do not date someone who is interested in doing them.
     
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  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    I've been trying to find the rights words for this problem and then today I come here and see that MakeMeLaugh has worded something very close to what I had come up with. You need to have shared goals,if you're anti drugs and she wants to take drugs you have a clear problem.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Makemelaugh often makes me think. She has succinctly described the core of the OP problems and as she often does, and I believe, appealed to the OP where she is at. Lately I have been chatting with a lot of older people who have been partnered/married for 20 30 years and they were often the opposites attract type deal and while it worked and some stuff were well tolerated in their youths, they express now a lot of anger and regrets feeling like they had given way too much and cared for way too little. They also have so much trouble letting go because they had invested a lot into it as well as still being in love with the partners they now somewhat despise.

    To Diana, if, for the summer you are not tied work/school wise to any particular spot, how about a fresh start? House sit for some people going on vacation in a nearby town? Surely there is a web meeting place for screening out good people? In the US a lot of folks are on taskrabbit and the like.
     
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  14. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    I don't really know what to do. I am back home and we saw each other on the last couple of days. We had fun, she's been great and loving and all that i wanted. But she told me that when we fought, when i'm away, she thought about dumping me, but she is happy she didn't do it. I told her i wanted to do the same. Now...she told me that she is very happy when i'm here, but very unhappy when i'm away, that she cries every night and she is misserable. I don't want her to be with me and be unhappy and i told her that if she feels like she can't wait for me to come back in June and be together more than 3 months, i'll let her go. I can understand if she suffers, i wouldn't want to make her unhappy. It's hard for the both of us, but i can't change the date of my returning. I'm scared that once i go away, even more if we break up, she we'll do more drugs in order to feel better. Even though i won't hear about it, i'll still be worried about her. And then i'll come back in summer and maybe we won't even be able to be together again.

    I know that maybe it will be the best for me to walk away and focus on my exams and not be worried all the time about her getting wasted. But i love her and it's so hard and it will be harder to get over her. Even more for the fact that in my college city, i don't have many friends. I'm social, but with all this problems, i isolated myself from people from school, even argued with some and i only go to classes to get the higher scores and be my competitive self and then go home alone. So being alone won't help me distract my mind from her.
     
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  15. sundancer

    sundancer Well-Known Member

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    I'm not going to pass any judgement... think about what your deal breakers are. Drugs are definitely a deal breaker for me, even if you "just want to try". It's a long story, but I would automatically dump someone who was doing drugs. 100%.

    Anyway, I think these song lyrics may help:

    I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
    Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
    So I sat quietly, agreed politely
    I guess that I forgot I had a choice
    I let you push me past the breaking point
    I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything
     
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  16. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Well, she told me today she needs time and space. And that after i leave, which is in 7 days, we should break up. I'm gonna meet with her today. I don't know what to say to her. But i don't understand how she expects me to act all these days? Why not break up now? It's not like i can pretend i don't know we are over.
     
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  17. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If you want to break up sooner, that is something you can do. Breaking up does not require a two party agreement.
     
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  18. Diana

    Diana Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, we are over. We broke up, and then we met on the street like one hour later and she took me in her arms and kissed my neck and checks and i know she wanted to kiss me, but i didn't let her. Later, she told me that i should have kissed her and was angry that i didn't. After she dumped me, she wants me to kiss her. Asked me to meet her, to be hers for the last time, but how could i do this to myself? Said no...she was angry again. Anyway, we are over now so...

    She told me she is having some problems and that she took pills to get a little bit of freedom and because of me, she only took a little. Said that if i wasn't here, she would have been drunk and wasted in a ditch. I love her, even if we are not together. I want her to be safe, but i know that she will do her way, no matter how much i try to protect her. In a few days i'm leaving, i won't even be here. I feel like dying because i already miss her and i'm doing my best not to contact her. But i'm scared that once i leave the town, she'll take more pills.
     
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  19. TADinUS

    TADinUS Well-Known Member

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    Drug addicts like her WILL ALWAYS take more pills.

    She is 17 and has lots of issues. Want to do her a favor? Tell her parents, if they love and care about her.
    She is not a legal adult at this time... She is about to step on a road of bad shit, with or without you. I've been there, done that (trying to help people).

    She needs help, and there is only so much you can do. But please, don't let her drag you down.

    The way the system see it (Police, etc) she'll be a statistic. And you will NOT be the cause of this.

    With my partner, we both are better people because we have each other. That is what love is about.

    Good luck.
     
    #19

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