Can I come out here please?

Discussion in 'Coming Out' started by CherryBerry, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. CherryBerry

    CherryBerry Member

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    Hi. I'm Cherry. I'm new here..... (why am I doing this? why am I doing this?)......

    So... I think I might be gay. Actually, can I opt for bi for now?

    You see, I'm married. To a man. And we have a young daughter.

    But I'm gay.

    I think I've always known. It has always been women I've fantasied about. It has always been female celebrities I have had crushes on. It's not that I've denied it all along - I've Googled and Googled and appeased myself with the ideas that "sex with a woman is the number 1 straight female fantasy" and the notion that perhaps I don't have a crush on [female celebrity], I just want to "be her".

    I've had relationships with men. I've loved. I've loved deeply. I had had the butterfly feeling you get when you really, really like someone and they send you a text..... but I've never, ever felt sexual attraction to a man. I Googled and Googled and told myself that "90% of women have never had an orgasm through penetrative sex" and consoled myself with the idea that it's the ultimate female myth, that women everywhere are pretending to live sex when surely everyone feels as cold and as irritated as me. I mean - what is there to like??

    I met my husband. We fell in love. We got married. We bought a house. We had a baby. And I was unhappy. I *am* unhappy. I am repulsed whenever he tries to touch me. But still I didn't quite get it.....

    And then I met Her. Don't worry, I'm not having an affair! I'm not stringing on some poor woman while I "discover myself"! But I do think about her a lot. She's a work colleague, an out lesbian and she's just perfect.She makes me laugh, she makes me swoon, she makes me blush when she smiles at me across the room.....! Don't worry, she's in a long term relationship, she's not getting dragged into this mess. But meeting her was the final puzzle piece. It all makes sense now.

    I don't know what I will do. I want to go to therapy with my husband, discover that I do still want to be married to him, that I'm really bi and I can live happily ever after without ruining everyone's lives. But I fear that now I've come to realise what I really am, this is only going to get harder until I made the decision to leave and come out.

    It feels so good to say this all here. Thank you. Wish me luck,
     
    #1
  2. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You have to figure out what your "truth" is....right now you're teetering and hoping that your truth won't cause you to ruin lives...but you're still somewhere caught between who you've been, who you think you might be, and who you actually are. There's no timetable to figure things out. There's no right or wrong answer as to how to go about reconciling that you've made certain life choices based on the assumption that you're straight and that your fantasies about women and your feelings about sex are 'normal'.

    But I can relate..on some level I can relate. I tried to avoid "the gay". I mean, I couldn't possibly be 'that'....while at the same time fantasizing about being with a woman when I was actually, physically, with a man. When I came out, I did come out as "bi" as it was less threatening in my warped sense of logic -- noncommittal, even. I even went back into the closet for awhile; however, repression doesn't work.

    But this is about YOU. You get one shot at life -- and you will ultimately have to make a decision -- whether to be selfish, and find out what YOU want regardless of the past life choices you've made or whether you can still be the person you're supposed to be in life as you know it now. Perhaps counseling is the answer?
     
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  3. CherryBerry

    CherryBerry Member

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    Thank you for your sensitive reply, Spygirl. Yes, counselling is undoubtedly the answer!
     
    #3
  4. Kaiden

    Kaiden Well-Known Member

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    If you will always be unhappy then you know you will keep lying to yourself, no matter how much counselling and therapy you're going to do.
    I think your daughter will love you the way things are going to be, parents divorcing isn't an uncommon and unhealthy thing and you're a human being, not a bridge that connects people to keep them happy. And then you die unhappy.
     
    #4
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Spygirl gives good advice.

    Counseling will likely help you. I think there are also support groups and books for coming out married.

    its not easy and no 2 people choose to handle it the same. But it is possible.

    Just posting here is a big step. Congratulations.
     
    #5
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  6. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I guess to elaborate, everyone handles it differently. Certainly people choose to come out, but stay married. Others stay married, but have an open relationship. And some people divorce, or separate.

    No one way is "right." It's no ones' business if you decide to stay married, but bring 3 somes into your relationship. And it's no ones' business if you decide to divorce and have female relationships, instead.

    Rather, you have to get a handle on what you want / need. Then go from there.
     
    #6
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  7. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    Hi there,

    First of all, congratulations for this first step, I think you are being very brave.

    I am currently going through this very problem in the role of your husband. My wife told me last week that she is attracted to men and asked if I would be willing to have an open marriage (to give you a tip, that is not the best place to start if you want to open up the discussion).

    So after a lot of angst we have decided to start on what will likely be a long journey of trying to work on our relationship in the hopes that we can rekindle the flame and that what she craves is not men per se but new love and all the passion/desire it brings. So counseling and therapy it is (though neither have started yet).

    I try to be strong when we talk about it because even though I wish she'd figured her shit out earlier, I can't really blame her for who she is. Plus she loathes herself enough as it is, so I try to let her know that I appreciate her honesty etc. But I do wonder if, in the end, she is really bi or straight (to me this sounds like it would be an easy question for her to answer, but clearly it is not). In my opinion, if the end conclusion is that she is/feels entirely straight, we will have to get a divorce because it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay together: I believe I deserve to be with someone who finds me beautiful and desirable, and she deserves to be with someone who can make her happy sexually.

    Anyhow, I don't mean to make this post about me. I just wanted to give you an insight of what he might be feeling when you will decide to talk to him. Even though I try to be strong when we talk, the truth is I am in so much pain. I go from feeling sorry for myself, to being sad for my children or angry at my wife. And a lot of the time I wonder if we should break up already and save ourselves the pain of this long journey.

    Here are a few of the questions/blames you might prepare to answer:
    - how long have you known, why didn't you say anything?
    - how do you know you don't like to have sex with me if we have never had an honest discussion about what your fantasies really are/ how I could make sex more pleasurable for you
    - how do you know you are gay if you have never been with a woman before?
    - why did you let us go ahead and have a child if you were already having doubts?
    - in all our years together, were you never attracted to me physically? Or is it something that went away as time went by and the passion in our relationship dwindled?

    Also, once the conversation with him has started, be very careful of all your gestures. I find myself over-analyzing every move she makes: I feel it when she tenses up if I kiss her or touch her, I notice how often she makes the first move etc etc. It kind of fucks with my head!

    Anyway, I don't know if this is helpful or just bleak and self-indulging. I was hoping it would be useful, but I apologize if it is not.

    In any case I wish you a lot of luck and happiness!

    p.s. maybe your husband and I should start a support group! ;-)
     
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  8. CherryBerry

    CherryBerry Member

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    Oh Noedee, I'm so, so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing with me.

    In truth, I don't think I will ever tell my husband how I feel - certainly not while we are together. It would only cause more hurt. If, after some soul searching, I decide that I am 100% gay I will end the relationship and come out some time later I think.

    I wish you all the luck in the world for your future, whatever that looks like. I really admire you for being so understanding of your wife and so supportive of her journey when it's clearly tearing you apart. You're obviously a very caring person.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    @noedee , I really respect you for being in so much pain, but being able to reach out to someone with such kind, honest and thoughtful words.

    I know that takes a tower of strength. I can't convey how rare and admirable that is.
     
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  10. Just Me

    Just Me Well-Known Member

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    I was in a relationship with a guy for 5 years trying to convince myself I was anything but gay. Sad, I know. We bought a house together and would always talk about getting married. Thankfully, I've never personally wanted children or we would have had them.

    I felt a lot how you explained, fantasies, celebrity "it's not a crush I just idolize them", and being generally repulsed by contact from him.

    It's an incredibly shitty situation, but at least you've acknowledged your position in life, and you're trying to fix it... Hundreds of thousands don't even make it as far as realising what you have about yourself.

    It sounds like you've got yourself together realising you need help sorting out these feelings with your husband first. Counselling will help immensely, if not to bring you two together, then to at least find yourself.

    I have to admit, I put way too much work into making that relationship "work". At the end of the day, if you're still physically repulsed, the best answer is to end it.

    If you're unhappy your child will eventually see it, in most cases it's better for parents to be separate then discontent with life.
     
    #10
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  11. rac

    rac Well-Known Member

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    Remember that we are here for you, @CherryBerry. It doesn't matter if we are all strangers to each other here, we can be your internet friends so if you need anything, a question, help, or even just someone to listen, everybody's here for you.
     
    #11
  12. noedee

    noedee Active Member

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    If it comes to that, I would suggest you do tell your husband why you are divorcing him - I am sure he would rather know the truth than torture himself trying to figure out why. Plus, if you come out later, chances are he'll find out one way or other...

    good luck and thanks for your nice message!
     
    #12

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