Can asexual person have sexual desires?

Discussion in 'Advice (Dear AE...)' started by hello0916, Jun 14, 2016.

  1. hello0916

    hello0916 New Member

    Jun 14, 2016
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    Hello AE,

    I've done some research on google, and it seems like basic definition of asexual person is someone that does not have sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. But, I'm kind of confused because my gf identifies as asexual, but she seems to be very interested being intimate. So... can asexual person have sexual desires?

    I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful person... she is smart, motivated, and really geeky (which I find extremely adorable). And I really like spending time with her. So before we begin dating, she told me that she's asexual. I was ok with that or actually I was really glad because I have some... body issues/anxiety and I've never been intimate with anyone before.

    But, it seems like she wants to do stuff with me? Like, for instance... I was over at her apartment one day and we started kissing... Actually, this was the day I told her that I don't really want to have sex. And she said to not worry about it and that there are other ways... without you know... Anyways... so we were kissing and she wanted to take my shirt off. I didn't want to because like I said I'm really anxious about my body and I wasn't comfortable. But, she was very persistent. So, we sort of wrestled a little... her trying to take it off and me trying to keep it on- ect. It wasn't malicious or anything, it was fun... and she was very nice about it. She could have taken it off- if she wanted to since she's much stronger than I am.

    Ok, so fast forward to couple weeks later. She said we need to talk about how if we continue dating, that I should be able to stay over at her place and not be nervous about it. I've never stayed over because I'm afraid that things will move really fast. Since the talk, we haven't been able to see each other because she was away on a business trip. She's coming back in next week ... and I feel like I have to step up if we are going to continue dating.

    I've asked her about her asexuality and she said that she's not interested in sex, but she likes the way I react when she's... touching me I guess. I mean it's very flattering and all. I'm attracted to her... I mean I really like her. But, I still don't understand how asexuality works and maybe I'm asexual?? I do get turned on ... so I'm so confused about this.

    I don't want to lose her because I'm insecure about my body... Maybe I just need to get it over with? So I'm not so nervous all the time? How important is sex or being intimate in a relationship?

    Any advice will be greatly appreciated!
  2. rainydaze

    rainydaze Well-Known Member

    Nov 22, 2015
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    Hello, hello0916!
    My gut reaction is screaming for you, "Noooo,Noooo, Noooo!!!" - let me explain...
    I am not nearly as concerned about your girlfriend's sexuality label as I am with you feeling like you have to allow her to do things to you sexually that you do not feel ready to do. And secondly, I am concerned that you believe she may leave you if you don't allow her access to your body.
    Slow down!!! the key is communication and it is ok to explain to her that you are confused by her saying that she is not interested in sex and then pursuing you physically even when you are telling her "no, not yet." Even though you described this as playful, you are still here explaining that you are worried that you are going to have to let her do more or she will leave you. That part is not playful, it is hurtful and worrisome. She is asking you to respect her boundaries about not wanting sex, and she should also respect your boundaries about your body.

    I am sorry that you are not comfortable with your body, and I hope you are working toward being able to find greater comfort, but that can be a lifelong process and it certainly isn't helped along by someone pushing you or pressuring you beyond your comfort level.

    That being said, it may be that there is just a misunderstanding of the way you are each using terms with each other. I know that people describe their sexuality in different ways and just because they use the same term it does not mean their definition is the same. Talking about it, setting boundaries, getting specific - these don't have to be scary conversations, they can be quite fun, interesting, and sexy...but they need to be respected and agreements need to be honored or there is no trust and no comfort. Make sure you know what you are really agreeing to before you decide to sleep over at her house.

    If this woman leaves because you told her you are not ready, then you are far better off than if you just let her at you to "get it over with." You are going to be nervous, your first time, that is perfectly normal. This is new and you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable. But feeling nervous/excited is very different than feeling pressured and manipulated. Be sure you are tuning into to what you want just as much as you are inclined to be sure her needs are met.

    Be kind and understanding with yourself. You deserve to be treated with patience and gentleness.

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