Can anyone shed some light for me please?

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Dezzy, Mar 29, 2016.

  1. Dezzy

    Dezzy New Member

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    Hello,

    Have any of you ever dated someone that actually takes things really really slowly?

    I have been dating for a little while and had some successes but over the years but i have always struggled with girls that go full speed ahead after a first date. The last girl i dated ended things because i was too 'normal' and had my own life that i wanted to keep and didn't express the desire to spend every waking moment with her.

    Onto my current situation. A few weeks ago, i met a lovely girl online, she is (admittedly) not a texter, which i am, but she does initiate a conversation at some point during the day. I'm lucky if i get more than three responses in a day though, it's painful sometimes. We've been on a few dates, luckily she's chattier in real life, but my i'm in two minds about how to perceive what's actually going on. On our first date, we were kicked out of the bar because it was closing and we had not realised the time, this is good i hear you say but there was no physical contact, the departure was single handedly THE worst goodnight of my existence and when i texted her with a message just to say i had fun, she responded with an 'aww thanks, me too.'

    I didn't think i'd see her again! But low and behold, there she was the next day and the next, we've been on three dates now, but there has literally been no physical contact! I'm not saying that i wanted to jump her on the first date, but really, is this how people date slowly? It's getting painful. I can't figure out what she wants, is she sussing me out?

    Current evidence shows that she would definitely speak her mind if she's not interested and what i'm currently doing is trying to enjoy the ride and not think too much but obviously, reverse psychology works in the most painful of ways and i'm driving myself mad. She literally puts distance between us so that our dates are no more than what feels like two new friends getting to know one another. I get no flirtatious vibes from her but perhaps they're just not overt, It literally seems as though she isn't interested in me, but we are both incredibly busy people and we do take the time to meet each other. I just can't figure out if this is a 'normal' way of dating, or if it's just a massive waste of my time.

    I should probably make time to add that she has expressed that, despite being very open about her sexuality amongst her friends and family, she has never got any further than 5 or 6 dates with a girl and has had long term relationships with men (of which she has met through people she knows).

    URGH! DATING SUCKS!
     
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  2. RLrose

    RLrose Member

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    Sounds like she a has a barrier up and doesn't want to get too close. Her staying away from physical contact is a way to protect herself. She hasn't been in a serious relationship with a girl yet and has only made it a few dates with other girls so it sounds like this is probably going to end up being a very frustrating situation for you. But you should go on a date with her where you are able to sit right next to her (like at a bar counter), so you can touch her leg or put your arm around you occasionally. See how she reacts to that physical contact.

    Don't push her or be aggressive in trying to hook up with her...Take it slow, but since history shows she only goes on 5 or 6 dates with girls and you're on date 4...you may see what she how she is feeling very soon. ha
     
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  3. Gyldenragg

    Gyldenragg Well-Known Member

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    I'm slightly torn between telling you 'hey, how nice that she wants to take it slow' (my latest experience was the opposite, way too rushed from her side!) and obviously understanding your confusion and exasperation.

    Now, you haven't actually told us much about your own behaviour during these dates. Did you try to initiate any kind of physical contact (i.e. touching her arm slightly during a conversation or something equally lowkey to at least gauge her reaction by)? Maybe she's holding back/waiting until she gets some kind of hint that you are into her before letting herself be closer or more touchy with you.

    I guess my main piece of advice to you right now would be to try to up your own game a little. Be a bit bolder, make it obvious you like her (if you do) so that you erase any doubt in her mind and hopefully she'll respond by opening up more as well. Good luck :)
     
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  4. rawr_balrog

    rawr_balrog Member

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    I tend to go on the slow side myself. For me, in the first couple dates, it has to do with me figuring out whether continuing to date is something I genuinely want (for all that I am a slowpoke, attraction and romantic feelings are very intertwined for me. I rarely, if ever, have one without the other, so it can take a little bit for me to figure it out.) Beyond that, though, it's more of a trust thing for me. I'm the kind of person who has to have built up a level of trust to do much more then kissing, or to feel comfortable initiating. (Can anyone guess why I'm single?)

    I can understand, though, how your situation would be frustrating for you. Maybe try to initiate smaller steps on the next date or two. Try holding hands or putting your arm around her, and if it feels right, try for a kiss goodnight? (I'm talking something tame here. I've definitely stopped seeing people who were too aggressive early on.) As long as you broadcast well, if she really doesn't want to kiss you, she can pull away or give you a cheek, and if she does that, you'll know a bit better where you stand or what conversations need to be had.
     
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  5. Dezzy

    Dezzy New Member

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    Hi!

    Thank you all so so much for taking your time to help my brain. It's honestly really reassuring reading your thoughts on this.

    To explain a little further, i'm definitely not on the overtly pushy side, which is probably why i'm not getting direct signals, although, i do have a very hands on job and physical contact with people is something which comes very easily for me. i think that this is perhaps a part of where my frustrations lie...which is actually no fault of hers and probably why i'm finding the lack of contact a little awkward. I have made a few moves to show that i'm interested; i've actively taken her hand to look at a ring and touched her hair (writing those down has made me laugh a little about how ridiculous this sounds). I suppose that what was looking for was reassurance that i'm not just going along with this for the sake of it and rawr_balrog, your response has proven that if she is anything like you, i am not, so thank you for your insight. I am a little concerned that the longer she leaves it, the less my confidence in the situation will be even if she is interested in me, as relaxed as i can be i still need to feel wanted in order to make a move, otherwise i will retreat back into my shell of independent single ladyville unnecessarily.

    I'm totally caught in the middle of celebration and frustration! i've been messed around by girls for the majority of my life and while this approach is making my mind go into overdrive, i think that this is possibly going to be a good thing in the long run. I always asked for a girl that would take things at a slower pace so clearly the moral of my story is be careful what you wish for!
     
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