Can’t forget the past

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Clairyfairy., Aug 16, 2018.

  1. Clairyfairy.

    Clairyfairy. Member

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    I met a girl on an online dating site 6 years ago. I thought she was single but after getting to know each other it came up that she was married. We got on well so we decided to chat as friends. She told me about her marriage and that it was not good they argued a lot, she didn’t love him and she wanted a divorce. As time went on we fell for each other I know I should of stopped myself as soon as I knew she was married but I didn’t and she told me she loved me and was in love with me. We met in person a few times and I felt something really strong between us I really fell for her. She said she really really wanted a divorce. Then one night she told me she was pregnant. My heart dropped and I realised that they were both very much still sexually active and intimate together, but how could she love me then? I was so hurt and we decided things couldn’t go on between us but we still spoke online until one night her husband found out and she completely cut me off without even a goodbye. It really hit me hard and I felt used. After a while I managed to move on and I got to a happy place again. Then 5 years later she contacted me and said she was divorced and single. We caught up with each other and all my feelings came back for her so I ended the relationship I was in straight away. Now we are back together, things are going well and we love each other but I just can’t forget the past. I can’t forget how she treated me like a bit on the side and how much she hurt me. She was so careless towards me it still really hurts to think about. And her ex husband is still very much active in her life because they have children together. I don’t lack trust towards her I just really feel hurt. And she still keeps our relationship secret from her ex husband although we’ve been together nearly 2 years. It hurts what she did and it hurts that everybody still thinks I’m nothing to her especially her ex. What can I do to try and forget or to stop the hurt i really need help or advice.
     
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  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    If I were in your place I would not be able to forget the past either. It is because your present is still haunting you. You are not getting the kind of relationship you really want even though you feel a lot for this woman. How are you with her kids, do they know? Are they little? And if the kids know then her ex would know and everyone else. I think your lady has a way of compartmentalizing things to preserve a certain appearance.

    And your only fault is convincing yourself to go along with her when she is clearly not ready for the kind of commitment or relationship you wanted. And you did that twice with her.

    The first step is to figure out if you can really deal with her not being out. This could be your deal breaker and the rest, her past actions would be moot and sadly it would be time for you to leave her and find healing.

    I can understand your feelings that she is not really putting you first. It is because she has all this entanglement she has now and the one she had before. I doubt she would even know how to put herself first. When you met her, she probably learned through wanting you to put herself first, something she had not done for a long time. She was married with children and could not figure out the mental hole she was in. Perhaps you could call it that she is having her cake and eating it too. But is she really happy with this situation? She wasn't when she was married, even though she did what she did at your expense. And I bet she is not too happy now either. If you want to figure things out with her, I suggest you guys invest in counseling. Otherwise, this sounds like something you don't want and you will see if you can come to an agreement together.
     
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  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Here's the thing -- and I'm going to be blunt.....

    You've ALLOWED her to hurt you. In the past. And, by ditching a relationship like a hot potato to go back to her when she says "I'm single," you're again allowing her to hurt you. You're allowing her to have the upper hand. You knew she was married; got pregnant, and had a child. Yet you RUN back to her even after the fact that she was dishonest. She kept secrets then (i.e. still having sex with her husband) and she keeps secrets now. How do you know that you're getting 100% honesty from her at all?

    The fact that you cannot forget the past is on you -- and for good reason. She knew you loved her and she took advantage of it -- all while being married.

    Hindsight is 20/20...back then the relationship was on her terms, and it is STILL on her terms. Unless and until you're assured you're getting honesty from her, you'll never be able to forget to the past.

    The question is: do you want to continue to be in a relationship where you keep waiting for something bad to happen again?
     
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    Last edited: Aug 22, 2018
    Clairyfairy. and greylin like this.
  4. Clairyfairy.

    Clairyfairy. Member

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    Thanks for the replies guys I really appreciate it.

    I think I’ve left out some parts that I probably should of mentioned to make things clearer.

    My partner fully came out when she was 16, some of her family didn’t take it too well and her sister who is religious (converted to Muslim) stopped any form of relationship with her. She struggled with life and came to a point where she just wanted to be what she thought was ‘normal’ get married and have kids etc. So she also became religious and entered into a religious marriage.

    She had moments when she struggled and moments of loneliness which is what bought her to a dating site. I mean she was a gay woman trying to be straight!

    She was always open with me but I never really asked about their sex life I just presumed it was not active because she didn’t love him, they argued a lot, she wanted a divorce, she said she loved me etc etc.

    In our current relationship now, her religious sister doesn’t know she is with me and her ex husband still has her sisters contact number, so allowing him to know would mean her sister finding out too.

    Her kids know, we spend a lot of time together. The reason no one else has found out is because she has always taught her kids to keep hush about me - which hurts..

    She says it’s her private life and coming out to him would mean coming out again to her sister. She also said he might try and take the kids away from her or stop seeing them so it would effect their life too.

    It’s all a bit messy. I do really love her so it would be hard to just ditch the relationship, but am I a fool for holding on and waiting for something that will never happen or should I be more patient?

    What makes it worse is she still has contact with him because they have children together and as far as he knows she’s still single and has been since they split. I get so so paranoid and jealous sometimes.

    To be honest I think I would find it easier to let go of the past and lay it to rest if I wasn’t such a big secret, like I was before. Neither of us are doing any wrong now. Plus her ex husband was very controlling when she was with him so it feels like he’s still controlling her sometimes. I wouldn’t feel the way I do sometimes if he knew she was taken.

    If she’s not telling anyone it could also mean that she’s not 100% sure on me and doesn’t want to make a mess for nothing.

    We have been together nearly 2 years though..

    I don’t know..

    @greylin you really hit the nail on the head, she does completely compartmentalise life.
     
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  5. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I can see the tremendous struggle that you both are having. And there are kids involved. Ay!

    I see in her life, she does not know how to live as herself. Do you guys have lesbian friends or friends who celebrate you guys' togetherness? Just some affirmations here and there sure helps.

    The controlling ex thing is very hard to deal with. I know I would end up tripping over everything she does because of him and end up sounding like a controlling ahole myself. If you are not already doing so, then you need to find something to be Zen about and hands off and just listen. Don't give him any more power than he tries to grab for himself. She is living with you in secret, yes, but she would rather do that than be married to him so you can draw satisfaction in that. Also, keeping secrets with kids is harder to do than being a trapeze artist. I don't care how good the kids are. If she is that worried then it is a constant thing in her head whether they will spill the beans.

    I think you can only hang in there with her if your current situation is tenable for you. Otherwise a lot of things can change even in a relationship planted in loving acceptance of a community. I know now that I can't go through life waiting to be happy if only something happens. I can either do something about it or live with it or a mixture of both. If say you wait, stewing for like 5 to 10 years till the kids are grown and she is out. You could be all of a sudden broken up. It is not impossible what you are doing but it is hard work and you guys would have to put in the work together. If you are supporting her secret then she needs to support you on your feelings.

    See this forum. You can see a lot of people who have been there. You can read about the married but gay, the angry girlfriends of married but gays. Go here.. and click on "community": https://lavendervisions.com/
     
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  6. sunsetdawn

    sunsetdawn Member

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    Having been following this site for many years, I will say this is the first post that I have read that inspired me to sign up. While the other posters have made some very valid points, I have a different perspective.

    As a mother that was once (decades ago), married to a controlling man, I will offer you some unsolicited advice.

    Drop the past. She found hope in you and you are messing up a potentially great relationship by rolling in old piles of crap.

    Reality check. If you continue to threaten her safety and that of her kids with the ridiculous, self centered, egotistical,BS about needing to go public with your relationship, it will be over. She will not jeopardize her safety, and the safety of her children just to prove to you that she loves you. There are serious consequences for her that you do not seem to grasp. Women in relationships with controlling individuals often put their lives on the line to leave those relationships.

    Yes, she was intimate with the jerk, and became pregnant. Did she consent, was she raped and impregnated as a form of control. Until you know the whole story, drop it.

    Yes, she will drop you like a hot potato and shut you out of her life to keep her kids safe. So stop jeopardizing her safety.

    Like it or not she is tied to this jerk at least until the children turn 18. No mother is going to jeopardize her kids emotional and physical safety until she is in a solid, safe, loving, nurturing relationship.

    So for now, if you truly do love her, get down off your victimized holy high horse and support her desire for privacy and need to feel safe and secure with the woman she loves. You will never know how secure your relationship is until you drop the past, drop the ego, listen with your heart, and follow her lead.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
  7. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    So glad for your perspective, @sunsetdawn. However, I don't think what the op wants is self centered and egotistical. Sometimes it is hard to tell what really goes on between 2 people. Sometimes women sign up for relationships they are not really suited for and it is good to know or work on sooner than later.

    All I can tell is that she doesn't like what is going on now and what goes on now brings up all the hurt from the past. Perhaps what you said will help bring her some clarity.
     
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  8. sunsetdawn

    sunsetdawn Member

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    Mom has laid down the terms of the relationship and those terms are not being respected. She has every right to stand up for herself, demand privacy, and protect her family from further harm until she regains her emotional stability and security. Denying this need comes across as egotistical and self centered.

    The relationship requires a high level of emotional maturity and stability from the op, along with the willingness to sacrifice personal needs in the short term for the benefit of the family.
     
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  9. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I can only respectfully disagree with that. I would say feelings are valid and important in a relationship. How else do you communicate with each other and form a better union? I can sympathize with the mom and her getting involved in something she shouldn't have gotten involved in. Isn't that the OP's story as well, potentially? No one's happy in this situation and the only way they can figure things out is to treat how they feel and where they come from as important.

    Often people fall into a relationship then realize it is not what part or all they want, that is a good thing to figure out. I am not sure how well the OP's wife really laid down stuff because, well, she really didn't have to. The OP wanted her so much she would abandon any rational thought to be with her. People in love do that. I also don't think a lot of things are spoken, like well, her still having unprotected sex with her husband while having a lesbian affair was not spelled out. Sure there may have been extenuating circumstance and we will never know where she came from. But it is something for the OP and her wife to come to an understanding on that.
     
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  10. sunsetdawn

    sunsetdawn Member

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    Greylin, I have followed you on this site for years and sincerely respect your opinions. As you know, messages are not just for the op, but for anyone else that happens upon a particular thread. I find it disheartening that women today, after decades of progress in many areas, are still being victimized, disrespected, beaten, and brutally murdered because they do not kowtow to the demands of their controlling partners. No means No. No does not mean maybe. No does not really mean Yes. No is No and the Op for whatever reason does not appear to be respecting the word No.

    A domineering, territory marking, attitude is rampant through many posts of this site and there doesn't appear to be much push back from the community. Granted, I have been coming and going from here for years, and likely have missed a lot of posts that may have shown me otherwise. However, if women do not stand united against this type of behavior we will all continue to be victimized by society in various forms of discrimination, abuse, and disrespect, and further loss of rights. .
     
    #10

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