But she has a boyfriend

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by Fannywammy, Jul 17, 2018.

  1. Fannywammy

    Fannywammy New Member

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    I want to hide under a rock. Scream into a pillow. Hide in the woods.
    Day late, buck short as effing usual.

    Let me say this: I have not been in a relationship in a couple years...been crazy busy with school. But, after having moved cities for a program for school I got myself a part time job outside of my TA job. I work a couple days a week at this grocery store and I am having the worst time putting this crush to rest because I know she likes me but she has a bf. And I feel as though I have no business to try anything but our attraction is so strange. Like I’ve never felt this for another girl.....which I know sounds naïve but I’ve been around the lesbian play ground for sometime. So, I know what I want. I don’t play games. I have no intentions on hurting anyone and feel as though I am lost in a world of constant game playing. Which has made me rather cautious and cynical about dating.
    So, first few days of work roll around and for the most part I am very focused on the fact that I am there to do a job. It’s what they pay me to do.....so I am pretty good about not letting myself be distracted by women. (Although working at a grocery store means I see soooo many gorgeous women) But one day I was sitting in the back office and this girl walked by. And it’s funny, I looked up from my phone and saw her. I remember doing a double take because she caught my attention. Just absolutely beautiful! but, as soon as we made eye contact she looked away. Well, weeks roll by and I’m not actively looking for her but if she’d be around we almost always made eye contact. And it wasn’t like a...’oh stop staring’ but more of a ‘oh crap this is awkard’ type stare. So, one day I’m working the same shelf as her and she walks over and says...hey can I tell you something? And I said yes. So, she says: you’re kinda of intimidating. Totally used to hearing that...RBF. So I laughed and told her just that. I have resting bitch face but am actually pretty nice. And she was like ....yeah I’ve heard. You seem to get along with everyone here. She then told me she knows almost everyone in the store but hardly anything about me. We were then interrupted by my boss. but after this encounter she’d typically stop and talk to me or make some sort of joke at my expense. Because she claimed I looked like I had an awesome sense of humor. She says I gave her good vibes from the start. I really didn’t think much of it because I thought, this beautiful girl is just friendly. For valentines, we were chatting. I had a date that night and was really just making conversation...but said something about her plans with her bf that night and she looked over and was like, why do you assume I have a boyfriend and plans? I just laughed and was like
    Okay, well you asked me first. And she laughed. so, more time rolls on and I overheard her telling a customer ‘my boyfriend has one of those’ so afterwards I walked over and asked what it was that they were talking about and she said: I tell customers who are hitting on me that
    I have a bf. And I was like...do you? And she just smiled and stayed quiet. I began noticing after this that every time I’d see her we’d make eye contact and she’d look away. Or I’d attempt to say hello and she’d throw me the most awkard hello or just wouldn’t say anything. So, I thought oh lord. Maybe I’ve made her uncomfortable..recently she randomly walked up to me and was like hey! I want to go back to school. Let’s exchange numbers in case I have questions. Me thinking, she’s straight...I said sure! With really no intention on offering more than help with her school stuff. I wasn’t going to try and play anything or find out anymore about her. So, she text me later that night just a random thing and before I knew it we spent the rest of the day talking. Later in the night she got hammered and was like blowing up my phone. She even told me some super personal stuff about her. Which was kind of strange but I thought, well she’s obviously hurting. (Being a
    Future psychologist) I thought, I’ll be a friend. I would never use what she said to me against her nor brought it up the day after. Well, a few days after this we were having lunch and she was like hey I didn’t mean to annoy you the other night. And I was like hey really you didn’t. We’ll never bring it up again. And she thanked me and proceeded to making fun of me again. (As per usual) I work in stocking which is mostly boys/men...and one day one of the guys made a comment about her. I was like dude: that is literally the only girl I have eyes for here. And I remember all the other guys going...seriously? You can do so much better. And then one of them was like dude, I don’t think she’s gay...she has a bf....and a kid. That right away was a red flag and I pretty much let the emotion die that day. Began talking to other girls in other departments that I knew were into girls. A few weeks go by, a friend of mine (coworker) was talking to me outside and she was like hey, *crush* is going to join us. And I was like oh cool. Haven’t talked to her in a while. She then laughed and was like oh never mind. She doesn’t want to anymore. And I was like dude, I think she hates me. She laughed and was like dude, seriously..I laughed and told her about how I had a huge crush on her
    But had never said anything to make her uncomfortable. And she goes: dude are you stupid? I was like ummm....what? And she goes: she adores you. And I was like wait what? And she goes yeah....she likes you so much. She says she doesn’t like talking to you because you make her nervous. She says she’s always looking for reasons to talk to you but gets nervous. And I was like wtf. Are you serious? (These two girls are like best friends at work so I would believe it coming from her....) she just kept telling me how cute we’d be and how she always brings me
    Up but says I’m too cool for her. I then asked her to confirm the boyfriend rumor and she was like yeah...she has a bf, but is constantly saying that if he wasn’t part of the picture, she’d let me have my way.
    She then proceeded to telling me very explicit things that were said but I am afterall a lady....I won’t say them. this coworker is in an open relationship so of course, she’s telling me to make a move. But I will NOT do this. I strongly believe in karma, could never live with myself and have always believed (experienced in being cheated on) that if you suddenly have eyes for someone else....it’s time to break up. Also, when I AM in a relationship I only have eyes for the girl I’m with. (Which is probably why I am incredibly critical about not just the other girl, but myself) I am very old fashioned despite my looks and often find myself discouraged and depressed that open relationships seem to be the new normal. I don’t know how to get over this and want to persue something with her sooooo bad because not only is she gorgeous but she’s suuuuper cool and funny as hell. She seems to have a great heart and I really enjoy talking to her. (When she’s not running away) but now I feel as though I am making her feel the exact conflicting feelings I have. After this conversation, it’s made me more conscious of how often she looks over at me and how often she looks for excuses to walk by my department. Honestly I wish this other coworker would have never told me anything...because I was ignoring her for a while. I am so torn!!! This seriously sucks! I mean her and I talk so much and have hung out a couple times and now it just feels so wrong...yet I feel like I should
    Be doing something. (Also, just to not have everyone think I’m a home wrecker) current bf is NOT kids father. No, a child doesn’t scare me off either....

    What is a hopeless lesbian to do....
     
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  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I honestly am not sure what I just read here. It seems like it boils down to this beautiful woman, who has a bf and a kid from a different man comes in and flirts with you. You are very attracted to her, even though you have had limited interactions with her and evem though she is giving you mixed messages.

    What you have is called... a crush. Just because you are really attracted to this woman, doesn't mean you two have some special bond. Plenty of people are attracted to other people in a one sided way. Other times, attraction is mutual but it doesn't last- it's just a passing crush. Just because you don't usually get crushes this strong, doesn't mean this is more than a crush. You don't know her, she doesn't know you, you don't have any history and she is playing some games.

    If you respect that she has a bf, then stop there. Try to move on. Minimize your time thinking about her and talking ther. Avoid her. Focus on other activities, reconnect with friends, whatever. Don't try to imagine that there is some cosmic connection with... a woman you sometimes talk to at the grocery store.
     
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  3. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    Hi Fannywhammy,

    When you want to do something that you know is different than what you should do, it is called temptation.

    I was really tempted last night to have a pile of nachos after eleven pm. I resisted eating that before bed and I am so glad I didn’t. Because I would not have slept well or feel well in the morning.

    You know that you should not let this girl further into your life, not just because the do’s and don’ts but simply because she is bad news. She is not straight with you about what she wants or her relationship status. She employed these passive, I-am-so-shy-and-crushy tricks to get your engine going. She LIED by omission and suggestion about the bf bit. Can you imagine yourself getting caught up with someone like that?

    As in what to do, you are actually doing a lot of the right things. You saw the signs of her flirty and you knew this was not a good situation and you went and talk to other women instead. You also are asking for advice to confirm the good choices you are making so far. I would say it is best for you to not talk to her bestie, because she is not helping you. And I would not indulge in talking to other guys about it as a gossip, that is not good either.

    The good thing about temptation is that it can pass if you have the right help. I was able to stay away from the nachos because my gf reminded me how it would make me feel. It is about having a good person who cares about you telling you things when you are about to get into something cheesy. I also downed some water and a few nuts to keep from eating the nachos. It is also about turning your attention from a temporary temptation to something much better.

    This too, shall pass. Stay strong and don’t give up on accumulating good karma.

    And, btw, people in good open relationships do not like cheating. Otherwise it is not really open. Her besties should not be encouraging this.
     
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  4. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    Mmmm....nachos. :)

    Seriously though -- she's flirting with you but it's just flirting with a side of a bit of game playing (intentional or not). Game playing which started at the inability to mention directly to YOU that she has a boyfriend.

    And, she knows that you're into her -- so she gives you just enough to keep your interest piqued. Sometimes this is human nature -- I mean, really...don't we all kinda like when we know that someone we might be into finds us attractive or likes us? At the end of the day, she's going home to her boyfriend even if you make her hours at work fun for her.

    Also -- maybe you're building her up in your head because you know you can't have her or that it isn't right to pursue her. Think about it...how much do you REALLY know about her outside of what she's showing you? Probably not a lot.

    Listen to those red flags. This won't end well for you if you cross a line while she has a boyfriend.
     
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