Broken

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by bmt, Jun 13, 2014.

  1. bmt

    bmt Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hello..

    Don't think I'm really seeking advice, think I just need to.. vent.. Or something.

    My girlfriend, whom I lived with and thought I would spend the rest of my life with, broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. It was 2 days after our 7th years anniversary. It came out of the blue and I would never have guessed it. I knew we where in a period that wasn't that great for the moment but I never thought it was because of us and I thought it was just one of those moments that gets better. But I was wrong. Clearly.

    She said we have grown apart and her feelings have changed but she doesn't want to work on it. She says it wouldn't change anything. She wants to be alone and live alone.

    It's so hard to believe its true. I feel like I'm still in shock. where so good together. There was so much love,respect and caring. We where not only girlfriends, she became my absolute best friend. Every time we were apart and doing our own things and she wasn't with me it always felt like something was missing. She was my nr. 1 person in the whole world. She's the best, kindest and loving person I have ever met. But right now it feels like it was one sided and I feel so stupid and betrayed.

    One day I had her, our puppy and our home. Next day I lost it all. They where my family. I loved my life with her. I have lived my whole grown up life with her. We have done so many things together. Even after 7 years she was still my favorite person to be with. And i always thought I was so lucky to have her and our life together. And I felt sorry for people who didn't have what we had. Whenever I thought about losing her or spending my life without her my heart hurt and I felt sick. Now my worst nightmare has become reality.

    Even friends can't believe it. Everyone I have talked to have said that they would never thought we would break up. Ever.

    Now I have to learn to live without her even though I don't want to and I need to find somewhere to live. And I don't know how to. It's so hard. I feel so sad all the time. I have trouble being alone with my own head and heart. It hurts so much. So I'm spending so much time possible with friends and family so I don't have to think or feel so much. So because of that I think from the outside I start to look alright, because I'm not hiding in bed. They have stopped asking me how I'm doing. They have no clue how bad it still hurts. They don't know that I feel like I'm dying inside and suffocating in my own thoughts. I feel so alone and to be alone all the sudden is.. Hard. The everyday life is so lonely and sad.

    It feels like I'm never gonna be completely healed from this. A piece of me will always feel broken, sad and lost.

    It felt good to write this down just to get it out, even if no one reads all this. But if you did -Thank you.
     
    #1
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    Dear Bmt, I read this I think soon after you had posted it but I was not able to post a reply right away. I just want you to know that I really feel for you and want to send you thoughts of hope. I think I know in some ways what you are going through. In times like this one can wake up and for a couple of seconds feeling normal but then the realization of something tragic had happened overwhelm you all over again. I know you feel you cannot heal from this but you can. Trust me, you can. It takes time going through all the emotions and it takes work and support of others not to let it taint you and weigh you down.

    On a very practical note. You have been building a life for seven years with this woman, make sure she is not just turning you out, make sure she is not unkind to you. You may fight over the smallest things you want to take with you. Hopefully you can find a good situation quickly and settle things with her amicably. When you are in a new place, you can find time to mourn and regroup. Do all the things you liked but she didn't like. In other words, be really nice to yourself. You are worth it and you did not cause this, she changed and didn't take you with her or clue you in. *hugs*
     
    #2
  3. Anonymus

    Anonymus Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well said greylin, tips seems to be helpful!
    Dear bmt, I'm sorry you are hurting and going through the pain by yourself... I know some people like to portray how strong they are outside even though they are devastated inside... as greylin said here treat yourself, do all the things you even wanted or you can start doing something like learning a language or taking a new course to advance your profession something which involves thinking so that you don't have time to think about your ex or those sweet memories at this moment. I think distraction is better solution for now to subside your pain! As the time passes you may feel better but I know the loss of her will always be there especially when it came as a shock without warning!

    Good luck!
     
    #3
  4. MizzLadyPants

    MizzLadyPants Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2013
    Messages:
    210
    Likes Received:
    2
    Reading this brings up all my fears about love.
    #1 that I will find the person I want most... and that I will lose them.
    anyways....

    I think we all get like this eventually... we all get restless. Maybe that's not even it...
    I tried to leave my boyfriend a few months back because i wanted to be alone and find myself; im 23 and we've been together since i turned 18, were in a super committed relationship( and im still wondering if i even want date men at all). He ended up convincing me we could still be friends. then were on a break... now were back together. Its easy because I love him... So obviously its hard to go anyways.
    My point is sometimes we end up waaay into something to realize were not ready for it, its not what we want, or even that what we want has changed.
    Can I ask how old you two are? I'm just curious

    My only REAL advice is to live fully for yourself for awhile... be selfish for awhile... and find out who you are without her.
    I'm not saying you did.. but we often lose our center while being with someone else.
     
    #4
  5. bmt

    bmt Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thank you all for your time to post a replie. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your time and all your points and thoughts. Really.


    greylin - You are absolutely right about feeling ok for some seconds just to get a slap of realization and to have it all come back again. And if i get some seconds that feels ok i always end up in places that remembers me of her. Either we have been there togheter and she always makes the smallest things feel so special, or I can't stop myself from feeling that I wish she was with me to make the moment feel that special that only she can. I was at dinner a couple of weeks ago with my family and my brother suggested we all go to the big amusement park we have in our city (even though we all are adults) And I caught myself getting excited about going but it didn't even take like two seconds before I felt a fist in my belly and a knife in my heart. Sure it would be fun but just half the fun without her.. And that happens all the time.

    Maybe you are right about me going to feel healed. Maybe I will to some degree. But I can't stop feeling like it won't be hundred percent. Sure I could met someone new in the future. But after I had her, how I'm I ever gonna be able to say "I love you more than everything in the world" or "you are the best thing that ever happend to me" and really mean it. She is that person and she will always own that place in my heart. It's so confusing to feel that way when she could just.. Stop and throw it all away. I don't understand it.

    Thank you for pointing out to look after myself. I know that can be an issue when couples break up but in this case it's the opposite. She is to much of a beautiful person even on the inside to be selfish and argue about who gets what. She would give me everything I want. But the thing is I really don't want anything. Every single thing we have, we bought togheter. Everything is new and not even a year old. I don't know how I could take any of it and have it looking at me everyday and remind me of the life I want and had. I can't even bring myself to sell any of it and buy new things. Also I feel so incredibly protective and caring of her. I don't want her losing anything. It makes my stomach turn and my heart ache just to think about her not having everything she needs. I don't ever want her to feel worried about anything. I just want her to be okay and that we share our puppy. Everything else don't feel important.


    Anonymus - Yes that is exactly what I'm thinking. I have a hole list of things I would like to do and need to do for myself. I just don't know yet how to do it and in what order I should do it. I'm struggling to find strength to be able to focus on me and wrestling about if I should start by being practical and mature or do the things I really want and need first. I have always been practical so maybe it's time to do what I want. I'm also struggling with building courage to do the things I want and need because before this happened I would never have consider doing them alone. Now I'm thinking that doing it alone is maybe exactly what I need to but as I said I don't know if I have the courage that's required.


    Mizzladypants - This has been my worst fear too. I hope you never have to experience it.

    Of course you can ask about our age. I turned 28 yesterday and my ex turns 31 next month. I was 20, just about to turn 21 and she was 23 going on 24 when we met.

    I don't know. Maybe she is restless. Maybe not. I don't even think she knows. I don't think she will figure this out until she's been alone for a while. All she feels is that she wants to be alone and that we shouldn't be together anymore. We were also in a super committed relationship and when I read about what you said about breaking up with your boyfriend it makes me think about one thing my ex said to me. She said "sometimes I feel like I should just stop all this and we should get back together because it hurts so much. But that's just because what we had was so good and our relationship was so safe. But that's not enough so I can't." I can't help feeling that it sounds a bit like what you want to tell your boyfriend. But what do I know.

    I agree with that people don't always know what they want. But I feel confused because she wasn't showing any signs. 4 months ago we bought our Rottweiler puppy together, we have talked about it for years and have waited for the time to be right because we both take that responsibility really serious. We needed to upgrade our car because of our new puppy who's gonna be big, so 3 days before she broke up with me she was looking at cars and was showing me ads with cars she liked. A couple of weeks before we planed our 3 weeks vacation together and booked a cabin in the mountain.

    But clearly she didn't know and must have been really confused. I don't get much answers from her because she says she don't know herself why she didn't know before. According to her she felt something was wrong for a while but didn't know she wanted to break up and that why she didn't say anything about it then. She said she decided this on a day, same day she broke up with me. Personally I couldn't make a decision like this in one day without some discussion at all. And I never thought she would either.



    Yesterday I had my birthday without her and it felt really sad and empty even though I had people around me all day. She has been away for a week visiting her parents and came home late last night. It's strange how it can feel comforting and heartbreaking at the same time to see her again.

    Thank you all again. You are stars!
     
    #5
  6. Anonymus

    Anonymus Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    I really hope it all works out for you, she gets over whatever is going through her mind and chooses you again!
    However, if it doesn't work out you better be prepared to pick up yourself. I'm going through something similar it wasn't a long relationship like you but nevertheless she changed my world more than I ever could imagine and anyone ever did. I thought she was the one and I still do.. I can't imagine myself with anyone else and I don't think I could ever be but, for now I have to deal with it and stop crying and being depressed all the time. One thing I learned hard way is no one ever going to save me I'm solely responsible for my own life and I can't throwaway precious time and life after someone no matter how great she might be! This is what I'm doing.. I used to play squash now again I started+ going to gym 2-3 times/week so that I can get exhaust and sleep at least for couple of hours at night+ get that body shape I wanted :), started learning a new software which I was putting off like forever, took my first professional credential test out of my discipline which she wanted do it, I wanted to surprise her but now it will be a sweet memory of what we had after my name for ever, I'm still in school so joined couple of student clubs and started organizing events, I'm kind of introvert and very shy but started socializing now and making new friends, reading book like crazy strictly no romance!!!! memoirs, biographies of great people, business, technology etc where they don't talk about love & relationships, no more listening to music because every damn song is a love song and reminds me of her!... after 2 months this is my status. My brain is still running at very high speed, I still can't stop thinking about her, wondering what went wrong, how I could have stopped the inevitable.. But for now I don't cry as often as I use to. I know it's not easy to focus on anything but you might wanna start implementing your list.. Focus and interest come automatically. Make yourself tired both physically and mentally.. I don't know if it's the right approach but for now this is what working for me. My popularity and academics graphs kept going up and up again this is all because of her! My renewed energy, passion everything because of how she made me feel.. she gave me the confidence that I can do anything, helped me come out my shell and see the world, supported every decision I made open heartedly... I'm highly grateful for all the love and affection she showered upon me the time we were together... I choose to cherish it and ignore the pain that came with the break up!
     
    #6
  7. bmt

    bmt Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Anonymus I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. I dont wish it on anyone. But im glad to hear you are coping and are able to make something positive out of it. Good on you for taking care of yourself and doing things for yourself. It inspires me a bit. I will start on my list. I'm working on it. I think that is the right approach for me as well.

    I know how you feel about not being able to imagine yourself with anyone else. people tell me it will pass and that I should give it some time. But I'm not sure thats true. Feels like nobody around me completly understands that feeling.

    I like what you said about cherish what you had and ignore the pain. Im going to try that.
     
    #7
  8. Anonymus

    Anonymus Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi bmt, how are you doing now? Me neither ever wished for anyone to go through this agony. Yes people say it will pass and there is always someone better or we find greater love again but, I don't know if I belong to that category. My ex is not perfect, she is not even my type but, we did became very close, she made me feel wonderful and extremely happy…. I don’t know if I will ever have that level of intimacy & affection with anyone. Its good that you are going to work on your list, it will definitely distract you. But, I'm still having hard time..even after engaging myself with number of tasks still my thoughts are running around her but yes since lack of time not shedding tears anymore or looking depressed.
     
    #8
  9. bmt

    bmt Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2013
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi! I haven't figured this site out completely. I was thinking of sending you a private message but it won't work. When I'm searching for your name nothing comes up. Do you know what I'm doing wrong?
     
    #9
  10. Anonymus

    Anonymus Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2014
    Messages:
    116
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hurray!!!!I figured it out... In profile settings under friends and foe click on find member (if it doesn't work right click and open in new tab/window) there you will find different options like username, joining date etc., To make sure its right member, I cross checked profile pictures. Once you find the member you can either add as friend/send private msg etc., I already sent you private msg on safe side.
     
    #10
  11. ElevatedMind

    ElevatedMind New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    This post made me cry. I felt like I was reading about my not so recent break up.

    I went through/going through a somewhat similar breakup but a bit more complicated. In my case however, we were together for more than 10 years! It also came as a surprise to me when one day she just decided she wanted to be alone and she's not happy with herself. She said it would be best of we cool off for a while because she needed space and time to figure things out alone.

    That was in January 2014. We maintained communication through Text, no facetime and simple hello and friendly updates. Once, I tried saying i still love her but she replied with "Thanks". It hurt a lot.

    The complicated part is, we were living together for 8 years then i started working abroad on our 9th yr and she took her masters in another country. So yes after so many years of being together, we promised we would make long distance work. And i thought we did after a year, but boy was I wrong.

    I tried to move on though it was a very painful process. I would cry while driving, or when i wake up in the morning --- because I couldn't understand how one could throw away 10 years just like that. We were so happy and we rarely fought. Almost never.

    At some point, i told myself I would never cry about it anymore. I tried to enroll in a gym class, played sports a lot, spent time with friends a lot, trying to forget her. I even opened an account in online dating sites, but I still think of her all the time.

    It's been more than a year now since we broke up. I sent her a message just last week and she said sorry she didn't know what to say.

    More than a year...and I'm still Broken. In spite of all the efforts.

    Anyway, BMT, thanks for sharing and for reading my post. I hope you're in a much better place now.

    Take care,
    ElevateMind
     
    #11
    jellohead likes this.
  12. MujerLoba

    MujerLoba New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2013
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    8
    I was there 4 years ago. My wife of 8 years had cheated on me, stolen money from me, lied about several things over the years and I realized it a few days before our 8th anniversary and we broke up just 3 days later. I was devastated in ways I didn't even consider possible. I have never in my life felt such pain, such bitter disappointment, I trusted her with my life, too see and feel that deceit was more than I thought I could take. I mean, she had slept with the other woman the day she took my anniversary gift from me, she looked at me and said I was the love of her life and she wanted to have a family with me... Well, yeah. I was crushed to say the least. I didn't manage to stop crying for 6 weeks. I went from nightmares to waking up to horrible pain, to crying myself back to sleep, just to have nightmares, to wake up to feel like I was being stabbed. I honestly thought the heartache was going to kill me eventually. I had been her wife for all those years, making our house a beautiful home, decorating it, putting so much love into it. We had two cats together. She was my everything. And that was the problem. When she was gone, practically my life was gone. I stared at myself and saw NOTHING. I saw blank pages that used to be filled with the life she and I had. I stared at emptiness where previously all was full of our relationship. And then it came to me: I had forgotten who I was, what I wanted for myself in life, what I loved, independently from someone else. So I began changing things. I bought books on self love and on how to heal and survive divorce. I figured that I was emotionally dependant on her in very unhealthy ways. I thought I would NEVER again feel anything for anyone, I thought I was never going to forget her, let alone be anywhere near happy without her. But then I started doing all those things I never did before, or did when we first started dating and stopped when she became the center of my universe. I learned to cook, and to travel alone, I did yoga on a very regular basis, I went for night walks and went to all sorts of cultural events. I met people and even met a wonderful woman here on AE, whom I traveled the world with for a while and had a very intense yet short relationship. I treated myself all the time, doing only what felt good, and I did NOT hide and run from my pain. I confronted it big time, I wrote about it every day, I painted, I talked to my confidantes about it, I found myself a new home in a new city closer to my family, and I started rebuilding my life again, until I felt it was MINE and mine only. I fell in love with who I am, I started to feel incredibly strong and self sufficient, and looking back, this break-up was the best thing that could've happened to me. I know you're not feeling it right now, and probably your ex didn't pull those horrid stunts on you as mine did, but if you feel that your life is empty without her, it's time you fill your blank pages with all the colors you want and love. It's a shitload of hard work, I'm not gonna lie, but you will make it, you will find yourself stronger and shinging. Listen to encouraging music, read self-help books. I even joined a break-up forum where I could toss all my pain and people had amazing advice there. Go for long walks, try to avoid substances that make you "forget", they only prolong the pain. Go outside, spend time away from concrete, go to nature, write all you want to say in a journal. Find your own place asap. Cut contact with her.

    It will get better, I promise. Right now it feels horrible, but you'll be fine. I thought I'd never love someone again, and now I am living with and loving the most amazing woman I could've ever dreamt of. You'll get there too. Stay strong, you can do it, and you will do it, because you deserve happiness.
     
    #12
    pikatan2, ElevatedMind and Bluenote like this.
  13. ElevatedMind

    ElevatedMind New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2015
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    1
    That's a great story MujerLoba. I can only wish I can get to where you are now.

    It's been a year of trying to love myself and I am generally a happy person. Like you, i did read a lot of self help. My friends would also tell me to forget her, move on, cut contact. But I just couldn't put myself to think negatively of her... I really wish i could. Sometimes i wish she just cheated so I could easily hate her. It's either she's so good at hiding it or I am just stupid to see it.

    Factor in the distance, i really cannot do much. Plus she deleted her facebook. So zero knowledge on what's going on.

    Anyway, i think I have moved on though i still think of her a lot. And she still texts from time to time. And i just text back. Sigh.

    But I am fine. anyway. Thanks for sharing.
     
    #13
  14. Jane Doe

    Jane Doe Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2013
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    30
    Wow. Reading your posts makes me feel better in a way.
    Same story here. Broke up with my girlfriend for five years. I came to AE tonight because it is our 6th yr anniversary tomorrow if we hadnt broken up. But yeah. 4 months now. Im still brokenhearted. Still wakes up in the middle of the night and cry because i really miss her and what we had. She has been my life for the 3years that we lived together. But like Elevatedmind, i moved to another country for a better opportunity. She was supposed to follow me here after a year but she suddenly broke up with me. It HURTS big time.
    Like what MujerLoba said. I believe everything will be okay. We will heal from this hurt. That time will come i know.
    I JUST HOPE IT WOULD BE SOONER.
    This my hope for us who are going through breakup. That we will come out from this as better people. And that may we find 'the one' in the future. Though I have decided to be single in the next 2-3yrs, im planning to take up masters.
    GOODLUCK TO US.
     
    #14
    Bluenote likes this.
  15. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,390
    Likes Received:
    1,489
    I went through a bad break up with my ex-wife(OK, technically civil union).

    I'm now remarried to a great girl.

    I don't think just time, or just trying to make yourself happy works. I mean, I do think it is important not to wallow.

    But I think you have to find balance between grieving, facing what happened in the relationship and trying to keep sane in the here and now.

    If you just run and run and bury your feeling - the problems are still going to be there. If you process the feelings 24-7, you're going to get overloaded and dragged down.

    It was hard for me to get "closure" with my ex, because she handled our break up pretty shitty. She refused to talk about what happened or why. Eventually, I was able to take a step back and realize - my ex couldn't cope with being in an ltr. The intimacy, commitment and (especially) vulnerability were too much for her. She couldn't admit that (sorry I married you but, I don't actually like relationships).

    It took awhile for me to work through everything. Why did she dump me? Why did she say such awful things? Why didn't I see the signs that she disconnected about 1 year before our break up? Why did I try so hard in a relationship with a partner who had checked out?

    It sounds like you don't understand why you guys broke up. Which has left you hoping that you guys can get back together. Which just prolongs your grief.

    If you want to talk more, I'm hete for posts or pms.

    Take care of yourself.
     
    #15
  16. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    2,149
    Likes Received:
    963
    I had a friend who went through the live together bit after the separation but before divorce was finalized because of property division. It was hard even when the decision was mutual and it was worse when they started sleeping together on and off. It got better as soon as they lived separately and one of them put her foot down on nos on the sexcapades.

    I am sorry you have to go through this, I hope things get better soon for you and the divorce proceedings can go quickly.
     
    #16
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2015

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice