Broken heart should I let her go

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Gem82, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    Broken heart
    My long term girlfriend broke up with me just under two weeks ago, we were together for just over two year, engaged and living with each other, I was her first girlfriend. out of the blue she told me that she needs to find herself and she doesn't no who or what she wants anymore. Two days before she broke up with me she told me I was her world and that she was so in love with me. We were booking to go away for my birthday.
    Since the break up she has sent me a few texts asking how I am, or trying to arrange a day to pick up her things, although she has made no contact this week so far. also since we broke up she has gone out brought new clothes and a new car, posted how happy she is on media sites but hasn't taken down any of are photos together. She has told me she doesn't want to fix things because we got stuck in a rut.she told me she is happy. I tried to explain that it was fixable as nothing huge happened to cause her to split. But she just kept saying she didn't want to fix it and I don't no why,
    She is acting fine and happy and I feel like she has wiped me out of her life. Am heart broken and would do anything for her back. I feel like I don't no this girl anymore, her attitude has changed and she doesn't even sound like the girl I've been with for the past two years. I don't no if I should give her space or try and talk to her. She also started new antidepressants two weeks before she left me. Am so lost
    Have I lost my soul mate.
     
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  2. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Are you sure that you've actually known her? Sounds to me that she was wasting her time with you. She might have had feelings for you but something had happened WAY before the break up and it may have nothing to do with you. Have you thought about what might have changed? Again, you may not be even involved in her change of character. I personally believe it's from the outside. She might have fallen for someone else or simply realize that she's not into you. Sucks but feelings for someone change. This sudden break up (like you said-2 days before the break up she was saying "I love you") to me speaks like she's not worth it, sweetie.
    Trying to fix things up is a good idea when both of you are involved but to me it seems like it's her issues and not yours to work on. She needs to figure her life and so do you and if that means being apart, then so be it! You deserve someone who's there with you and so does she (despite that I believe that she might have been cheating, hope I'm wrong though).
    You shouldn't try to change her. She needs to do it alone. You're trying to keep her by your side but being without her might actually be a good thing. In fact, being single can be for the best-it'll give you a chance to figure out where you stand in life and even help you cope with what you're going through (the antidepressants). Hope that was helpful.
     
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  3. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    I to thought someone one else might be in the picture but good friends of mine assured me they wasn't, she is only 22 and me 33 but the age never mattered, her parents never wanted her to be with a women and only just started to come round to the idea. Her work friends also started to tell her that she should be doing what normal 22 year olds should do ie going out not being tied down, she told me we were stuck in a rut doing the same thing over and over again, working then coming home to watch tv etc, that we never went out, but to me we were always so busy. Most of the time it was her idea to stay in and snug down. Then she started to say we never had enough sexual contact, all this came right out of the blue to me. Since I've known her she has been on anti depressants for her issues with food, and weight loss. I tried to help her with that so much, maybe I pushed her away buy getting her to seek more help, it didn't help that I caught her being sick a few weeks ago, and her telling me she had been doing it for a while. I feel so low and not all all coping with this break up
     
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  4. TheScandinavian

    TheScandinavian Well-Known Member

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    Maybe you should stop wondering what went wrong and try to cope with being single.
     
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  5. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I am sorry that you are heart broken. Break ups are hard and they hurt. You are dealing with a lot right now, so lets take it in little steps.

    You are confused. It is understandable. Your ex broke up with you and you are trying to make sense of it. You are also in the denial / bargaining stage of things. "Maybe we can fix things up?" "Maybe she will take me back?"

    The hard truth is that it takes two people to make a relationship. If one person decides to quit - they quit. You have no control over that. They can quit for great reasons, or stupid reasons, or no reason at all. But if you have approached her about trying to fix your relationship and she has said 'no, I don't want to try and fix things, I am out of here,' you can't make her work on fixing things. If you have tried to talk to her about fixing certain issues (sex, going out more, whatever) and she says 'no, I don't want to try and fix things,' there is nothing that you can do.

    It hurts and it is hard. But you can't make her change her mind. Her reasons may never 'make sense' to you. But that doesn't mean she will ever change her decision.

    Your ex gf is 10 years younger than you, chronically depressed, possibly has an eating disorder and dumped you without warning. I do not think that she is your 'soul mate.'

    I am not sure if I believe in soul mates (7 billion people and only one fits with you?). But if soul mates do exist, I don't think that they suddenly change into people that you feel like you don't know. I also don't think that soul mates are people that you have to work really hard to try and fix. (As opposed to someone who wants to get better and doesn't need to be pushed.)

    It is not uncommon for 22 year olds to not want to be tied down. To be 'free' to buy stuff and to go out. To date, but not get into a committed long term relationship. She may feel like she is too young to get married. She may feel like she wants to have some fun and 'sow her wild oats' before she settles down.

    You are not wrong to want to get married. She is not wrong to not want to get married. As hurtful as this break up is, it is better that she backed out before marrying you - as opposed to marrying you and then having a messy and painful divorce later.

    I think you should give her some space. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to get back together. Trying to talk her into getting back together is just going to be reopening your emotional wound. It's like her breaking up with you over and over.

    Unfortunately, the feelings that you are feeling - confused, sad, low, wiped out - are pretty common after break ups. The good news is, that they don't last forever. The feelings do fade. The hurt and sadness and what have don't last forever.

    The best thing that you can do is to just be kind to yourself. Give yourself space to cry, to hurt, to feel bad. But also take care of yourself - talk to friends, try to eat a little, try to get some sleep. Do things that comfort you - like going for a walk, making a cup of tea, talking to someone who cares about you (like a sister, uncle, mentor, etc...) Just try to get through each day. It will start to feel better.
     
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  6. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    Thank you all for the help,
    I am really confused and low, everything we did was her idea, she wanted to get engaged, she wanted to live with me, even thou I tried to take things slow to start with, I followed her Leed really. I understand that we got into a bit of a rut, but the love was always there and she was more than happy to snug down and relax in the evenings ( so I thought) she has made no contact and it's like I've just dropped off the planet. I know she is still asking about me, asking my friends how I am etc
    I no if she came back I would stop hurting and the pain would go away, I want to text her and tell her am falling to pieces but I no it wouldn't change her mind. I really hate the fact that she is carrying on as normal, without a care in the world. Maybe she is truly happy with out me, and the end of our relationship is a weight off her shoulders..
     
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  7. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    You say "I no if she came back I would stop hurting and the pain would go away..."

    I've said this time and time and time and time again. You cannot rely on someone else to be the source of your happiness. Sure, another person can enhance that but you cannot make your happiness the responsibility of someone else. That's a lot to put on anyone.

    The fact of the matter is -- she's 22 with her own issues. If she doesn't love herself - which is a distinct possibility given the depressive/eating disorder issues, there's no way that she can right now love you the way you need to be loved. She's 22 and she has a whole lot of figuring out to do as to who she is, what she wants, and the direction in which she wants her life to go.

    You also have to recognize that life is not static. What was true for her in one particular snapshot of time, i.e. two days before breaking up with you she told you she was so in love with you, might have been her truth in that one moment. It doesn't mean it remains her truth two days, two months, or two years from the time she said it. It also could be that she might've been feeling guilty and said those words to assuage her own personal feelings if she was already recognizing that the relationship wasn't working for her. Additionally, people change -- people either grow together or grow apart, and there's a big difference between someone who's 22 and someone who's in her 30's...you're at different phases and points in life -- she's still got a lot to experience while you're probably focusing on settling down.

    Breaking up sucks. There's no way to sugarcoat it. And I've been where you are -- no matter how hard you try you can't make someone love you. You can't make someone want to be with you if she doesn't want to be with you. But you have to go on and move forward too. Take time to grieve. Focus on yourself. Eventually the pain will subside and things will get easier.
     
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  8. diana817

    diana817 New Member

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    It's very hard moving on. Specially you don't know why all of a sudden the relationship just went off. I felt the same way. Almost 2 years as well. Just focus on yourself and go to the gym. That's what I did.
     
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  9. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    She doesn't sound like she is coming back. But if she did, your pain would not go away. You would not be able to trust her in the same way. You would be forever wondering 'is she going to leave me again?' 'Does she mean it when she says she wants to get married?'

    Worrying that a gf is going to leave is painful. It leads people to do unhealthy things- like being overly needy, overly accomodating, over controling, etc...

    I get that you hurt right now. But you are trying to bargain your pain away. 'If I could talk to her, 'she still asks about me,' 'it was her idea to go so fast...' The truth is, her decisions are not necessarily logical, but that is human nature. Like @Spygirl said, people change. She may have really wanted to marry you 6 months ago. But after 6 months of snugging at home, she may have realised that she is not ready to get married.

    And, honestly, she doesn't sound ready to get married. She sounds like she has some things that she needs to work on, before she can commit (depression, eating issues, knowing what she wants from life, etc...)

    I am concerned that you are bargaining so much with your pain. And I am concerned that you seem focused on changing her behavior, to make YOUR pain go away. Your mindset is that her decision to break up was an aberration, a mistake and if you could just talk to her, maybe she would see that.

    I certainly understand that you are confused and feel blindsided by this breakup.

    But it's not such a great idea to try and get people to do (or not do) things so that we can feel certain ways.

    She obviously is in some kind of pain of her own- depressed, weight issues, throwing up food. I don't think that pain was caused by your relationship. But she has told you very clearly that she needs to break up so she can work on her issues.

    In other words, she has said to you 'I am in pain (depression, etc...) I need to figure some things out, so I can heal my pain. I can not balance healing and being in a relationship, that is too much for me to cope with at once.'

    You want her to get better. You want to 'fix' her (or see her get fixed.) You say you love her, she is everything. But when she says 'I need to break up to get fixed,' you don't want to accept that. You focus on the pain the break up is causing you and not on how she making efforts to get better (instead of having to be pushed.) And you focus on your pain and not if it would be hard / stressful / impossible for her to face her issues while dating you.

    I don't know what soul mates are, really. I am not sure that I know exactly what love is. I mean, if the great philosophers can't define it, the best a scrub like me can do is 'I know when I feel it.' But I do know what isn't love. And I don't think that it is love to try and get someone to do something that is too hard for them, too painful for them, so that we don't have to feel pain.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 9, 2016
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  10. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    So I feel I should give you guys an update, this evening my ex came to pick up the rest of her bits (in her new car) she didn't seem happy but kept telling me she is, and that's she's fine and that she won't change her mind about us and the break up. She also told me that the main reasons we ended was because we were just like best friends and didn't do enough sexually. Find that hard to believe because she always said how happy we were so close and how she loved that she saw me as her best friend too.
    Anyway I kept calm, no tears and didn't beg for her back, I simply said what will be will be. That I loved her very much and miss her but understand why she feels the relationship didn't work out. She told me she wouldn't text me as she feels it doesn't help anything, but also said she will always be here for me, (an hour of leaving me she texted me asking if I was ok) She asked me if I wanted the engagement ring back as she wouldn't wear it, I said it was a gift and no I didn't. We spoke for a while about life,work etc and then I kissed her on the cheek and said bye. Am truly heart broken and can't believe it's been two weeks already, she has just about forgot about all we had and shared, deep down I get the feeling she is seeing someone else, as much as I don't want to think that, it's the only thing that makes sense. I feel she texts me asking how I am because she feels guilty, which ever way am hurting so bad that I have lost her.
     
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  11. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

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    I'm really sorry you're hurting; it takes time for love to leave your system, and to some degree you just have to wait. Distract yourself with movies, friends, exercise, work, because to some degree you just really have to get through it.

    I very much doubt it; it sounds like she valued what you had, but that is was no longer what she wanted in a romantic/sexual relationship. Ultimately, she decided that she needed to be accountable to herself and take the difficult step of ending the relationship that was no longer serving her needs. That hurts, yes, but it does not invalidate the good in your relationship, her prior happiness, or her care for you. It just means that she is moving on in the best way she can (while still trying to care for you! The evidence that she values you is that she is being kind and supportive by checking in, even while it is not necessarily what is best for her right now).

    Maybe to get over her, you need to believe that she is being unfair or unfeeling. That's okay. But is there anything that she could do, without getting back with you, that would show you that she remembers and values what you had?

    Nope. Don't do this.

    1) It doesn't matter if this is true. The only thing that matters is that she no longer wanted to be in a relationship with YOU. You'll only torture yourself trying to second guess her reasons and find secret explanations - and frankly, there is enough in her personal life and a few red flags in your quick engagement and broad age difference that you don't really need to go looking for infidelity.

    2) I think she has already given you the reason - that she was no longer satisfied with your sex life, and did not feel your relationship is meeting her needs. Note that this is the second reason she's given you that is not satisfying to you; the first was that she needs space and to find herself. If you keep pushing her to give you new different reasons, she is going to get less and less honest and potentially more and more hurtful, and none of it will satisfy your heartbreak or make real sense to you.
     
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  12. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    Thank you all so much for your words and support. I no I shouldn't go looking for other reasons why she left, it just feels like all the reasons she told me were once the reasons why she was so happy and wanted to be with me. Her personally at the moment is so un like her, everyone is saying it.
    When she came over she kept asking if am happy and don't I feel happy, Inside I was screaming and crying!
    She continued to text me last night about the things we had brought for the house, (just little bits we have brought along the way,) I told her she could have and take what she likes just let me no, she wants me to send her a list today of everything. I told her that I wouldn't want much because we brought that stuff as a couple, and she text back ' ok well don't worry about it too much.'
    Maybe one day she will realise what we had was very special (we have been thru a lot) or maybe she won't with the anti depressants she's taking.
     
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  13. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    You are processing a breakup, all the things you are asking as to why she is doing this and wondering where it had all gone south is normal. However, it maybe too soon for you to hear, but don't depress yourself with a goal of having her come back. There is processing and there is obsessing and the latter is a complete liar that gives you false leads and half truths. What you had may have been special, but maybe that is just because what you want in a relationship is intimate and special. Perhaps also, that, you had tried to make something special with a person who was good for it for a short while and not the long term.

    I hope you find a different goal in personal happiness instead of wishing she'd come back. Maybe then that you will see this clearly and your search of where it had all gone wrong will then be fruitful and you will be able to have the relationship that you want next time around.
     
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  14. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Maybe ask her to take a break and not text you for awhile. Ask her to give you a week or two to grieve a bit.
     
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  15. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    I have tried that but she's keeps texting me about the bits she's left behind, for ex her bike I offered to take it when she came to collect her boxes, she said no, she will pick it up at the weekend, ( which she still hasn't) now am getting texts about the little bits we brought for our house, saying she wants her gifts back etc I must have told her a hundred times she can have what ever she likes and can even take it all, but she's like no I just want what's mine. I feel like maybe she's playing games even thou she is so sure it's over and isn't coming back, like all the little texts are to get a reaction or leaving her things is just dragging this break up out. But she's the one who ended it, she's the one who keeps telling me she's happy and won't change her mind so why won't she just clear break with me, pick up all her things in one go like she could have, then I can cut all contact and have time to heal. Struggling to figure this out!!!
     
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  16. Maya

    Maya Member

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    But she's the one who ended it, she's the one who keeps telling me she's happy and won't change her mind so why won't she just clear break with me, pick up all her things in one go like she could have, then I can cut all contact and have time to heal. Struggling to figure this out!!!

    Why? Because she is young and immature. One day she wants to be a butterfly and next day she wants to be a unicorn.
    It is up to you to set your boundaries and keep them. Good luck.
     
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  17. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    That made me laugh maya

    Your right thou, I guess it's all just a game to her just sad that she has become this person, after the big all deal about wanting all her stuff back turns out I had already packed in away in the boxes she got last week, she just hasn't looked in them, I didn't think she would have as they mostly had photos and our memory's in them! She has just left them boxed up and put them away to one side.
    anyway I have arranged to drop her bike off at her parents tonight and the other little bits she would like,(she kicked up a very big fuss about that) also told me she wouldn't be there. We have both taking each other off Facebook I have also blocked her now too.
    I then sent her a text to not text me anymore unless it was important, I told her it's done now, there is nothing else left to do, she simply texted back ' OK ' so hopefully now I can start to heal without wondering if she will text me each day.
    It's horrible to no that after all this time and how well she knows me she has no idea what she has done to me. Nor bothered. And I am deeply hurt by her actions and words. I Never thought that she could ever be like this, I guess her age is showing now. I no in time the real reason will show its head to why she called things off, I hope by then I can say am in a better place and healed enough to deal with it.
     
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  18. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    I think the thing is that you are expecting her to behave in ways that are logical and consistent. But not all people are logical, or even consistent. Some people are impulsive, irrational and have split or dueling motivations.

    She is pretty clearly using her 'stuff' as a way to somehow have some control over you. Like, she doesn't want the commitment of a relationship, but she has some need to get actions out of you. It's not uncommon for people to have this kind of split motivation - wanting to have their cake and eat it too.

    I know that right now sucks. But you are doing a good job taking care of yourself. Just keep setting boundaries and don't let her drag you into her weird (and painful) games.

    Hang in there.
     
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  19. Gem82

    Gem82 Member

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    It's done.

    I dropped all her stuff off last night (she's wasn't there) I officially have nothing of hers now.
    I think I got a goodbye text from her late last night, saying she is sorry for everything. I just sent a kiss back. ( first bit of emotions since the breakup)
    I don't expect to here from her now, I can't think of anything she needs to get in touch about. Feel very low and sad this morning. I no it's for the best, I feel I have my closure now. And that she nos the best thing is not to get in touch. I hope I start to feel better soon, happy. Right now I don't wana get out of bed or do anything. I really hope this feeling doesn't last too long.
    Just can't believe this has happened and that's it now. Never thought I could feel so sad
     
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  20. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

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    I would just go do stuff that my ex partner never wanted to do, or procrastinated on doing with me, or swayed me with something else.

    I mention this a lot on post break-up threads because in the early days after the relationship is gone, and when one is stumbling feeling like you are missing a partner in a 3-legged race, it helps to remind you what an independent person you are. Find the old you, and fast track it to an older, wiser and happier version.
     
    #20
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