Breaking up is hard to do particularly with a bff

Discussion in 'General Advice' started by NotMona, Mar 30, 2015.

  1. NotMona

    NotMona Member

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    I will apologize in advance, why?!

    1. My threads may long
    2. The titles may contain song lyrics
    3. I'm all over the place most days
    4. I suck at grammar and spelin

    Well the list goes on, but life might not (sorry late night tv shows about end or world kinda thing) so chop chop Monica.

    Yes so here goes my second post, after a successful first one about advise this is more of a informational telenovela type post.

    To be clear I DO NOT have any romantic feelings towards these beautiful women.

    I came out to BFF M about a year ago, I felt safe and also I wanted to share with someone. She and I would speak she is a supporter of marriage equality and would see nothing wrong, we have straight friends that would go out to gay clubs not us because we have always been stuck in the "clean teen" (OTH reference) mentality so we kinda just stayed stuck at the movies or karaoke.

    Until recently which she has been all about going out and clubbing at the straight people club which I suggested (gross I could feel half boners, thankfully I'm not blessed with super smooth moves to I would trip or step on them guys toes ) so anyways I invited her and a couple friend to our local gay friendly club and she responds by "I'm not sure, I'll have to thinking about it" That didn't hurt me it was her expression, while A texts me back saying "hell yeah, dancing plus I'll be your wing girl"

    So I just wanted to say that it sucks a lot, coming out is hard as it is,i trusted this human I wished I hadn't said anything, but I did not plan to fall for a female(s), I concealed myself and vigorously looked to fall for a guy, but when I see a hot woman I'm sorry but I go jelly. (By hot I mean smart, confident, funny, taller than me ;)

    Anyways, I decided to break up with my Best friend on thursday.
    She deserves to be around people she is comfortable with. I deserve to be loved and validated my the people I chose to be a part of my life and guess what I feel freer. I may lose more people as I move forward with my feelings towards woman and that is fine because I still am pretty rad on most occasion a complete geek/ dork I'll give you that but I'm still the same girl.

    A little edit:
    No I didn't decide to take a break from M because she wouldn't go "clubbing" I dislike the nightlife, she loves it. I dislike casino outings but thats what we do for her to have fun. What hurts the most is that it's okay and completely comfortable that if someone brings a BF to our hang outs but if I bring someone and mention if I can I get the "um I don't know " then she cancels plans. I think it's probably our personalities are not one with another anymore and that is ok. I feel like I'm intuitive enough to know when it's time to move on. Having a best friend only frequent you like an acquaintance it not how bf's deal. I spoke to her before I made my decision, I honestly believe that she is the one that made that decision a while back I just being my loud mouth put it out there. I'm the end I'm okay with my decision and no I did not point fingers when I spoke to her it takes two people so I took responsibility too.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 30, 2015
  2. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

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    Seems unecessarily rash to me. If she's your bff, you aren't being very loyal - dropping her quick without think about her side of things.

    1) it's normal for people to take awhile to adjust to having a gay friend/ coworker/ family, etc... people who start off homophobic, can wind up really supportive.

    2) Her not wanting to go to a gay club is a rejection of- gay clubs, not a rejection of you. Supporting a friend and dirty dancing with a random you aren't into are two different things.

    I wouldn't go to a straight club and dirty dance with a dude. But that doesn't mean I reject all my straight friends.

    3) If she really is your bff, she deserves a little time and some benefit of the doubt.
     
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member

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    If I text someone "I'm not sure, I'll have to think about it," in reference to a night out what I mean is "I'm not sure I want to go out, I'll see how I feel closer to the time." When I go out with my straight friends, I hang out with them and it's no issue for me to be in a straight environment, just as when we go to gay bars etc with me. I think you're jumping to conclusions and need to sit down and have a chat with your bff before cutting her off.
     
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  4. Farore

    Farore Member

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    Erm, thats pretty harsh to want to "break up" with your friend just because she doesn't want to go to a gay/gay friendly club. It might have nothing whatsoever to do with you, and everything to do with the club. I mean, hell, I'm as gay as Ellen is but I don't like gay clubs if they're really in your face about it, but you haven't said what kind of a place it is.

    You're jumping the gun in a huge way. You haven't even talked to her about it, so this strikes me as seriously immature.
     
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  5. NotMona

    NotMona Member

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    You are right, there have been more things than what I posted but how much time or little things need to happen. Not even for my birthday, her birthday. Last time I saw her other than last thursday was in December that really sucks. Italked to her she just says she had nothing to say, but that she missed me.
     
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  6. NotMona

    NotMona Member

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    I did talked to her on thursday, she said she just needs to get used to me I feel like I haven't change so I asked her and I just kept quiet have her time to talk, we spend the time talking about the waiter. I guess it's normal for people to drift. So maybe don't cut her off, I didn't I just said "let take a break from one another, that I don't feel bad for not hearing from you and your don't feel obligated to do or hand out with my friend"
     
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  7. NotMona

    NotMona Member

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    Yes she does deserve the benefit of doubt, I don't drop people I actually never do, so this decision was hard, not impulsive but heartbreaking. I am being selfish perhaps, when someone's says that feel uncomfortable I don't want to put anyone in a position they feel uncomfortable I feel like that often and that is not my intention what so ever. It hurts, when you want hang out or karaoke like before and it's okay if I bring a boy but not okay if I bring a potential love interest. Shouldn't i also be given the benefit of doubt I mean she hasn't even met the girl yet.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 30, 2015
  8. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I don't see the need to do/say anything harsh like breaking off a friendship unless she does something that's patently offensive to you. Not wanting to go to a gay club...isn't indicative of a rejection of you.

    Friendships evolve...there's a cheesy saying that says that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime..my best friend at 21 and I were friends since we were 6...we drifted apart for no other reason than our lives and interests veered in separate directions. The point is...you don't have to kill a friendship unless she's done something horrible...let it play out; let it evolve. If she's uncomfortable with who you are, then you'll naturally grow apart because her interests and your interests will diverge. Sometimes friends grow apart but can reconnect...one of my other best friends..the first guy to whom I ever came out..we just reconnected after about 5 years of not talking (for no good reason..again, life, etc. got in the way). And the awesome thing...it was like no time had passed.

    I'm not a big fan of burning bridges unless it's absolutely necessary.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 30, 2015
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  9. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't cut off your friend like that. It takes time to adapt when you come out, not just for you but your friend's and family too. It's not that someone doesn't like who you are because youre gay, but when you're friends with someone so long, it can take a moment for them to adjust to a new part of you.

    As for not wanting to go gay clubbing, i get it, that's your best friend and you want total support. But, to be honest, you wouldn't catch me in a straight club these days (well any club to be honest). And you seem not to want to go straight clubbing (which i totally get). So you just have to understand what you want is not always going to be their scene.

    It's hard coming out to friends, it is. You go through an awkward phase sometimes with friends and family and that sucks. Just don't give up your friendships because people take time. As for not seeing her as often, well, that happens. As you get older, unfortunately you don't always see people as often as you use too. Be the proactive one, meet up for a coffee and talk to her.
     
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  10. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

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    I'm right there with you on that one.....
     
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