Brain vs Heart

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by bananapancakes, Nov 5, 2015.

  1. bananapancakes

    bananapancakes New Member

    Nov 3, 2015
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    Hi Everyone,
    I'm wondering if anyone has been in my shoes before and has a little advice for me. I've been in my "relationship" for 3+ years, but we never officially were girlfriends. It's due to her not being willing to put that title on us just from previous relationships or issues.
    At this point, I feel like I'm getting old haha and I wonder where we are going. I ask her, and she says yes she sees us living together at some point, but not entirely sold on marriage (not necessarily to me, but just in general).
    On the one hand I feel like I deserve a relationship "title" by now. On the other hand, I don't want to force her into it, buuut I have been waiting for 3 years.
    She is not 100% out, but I guess neither am I. She is more the type to purposefully hide things where as I just don't tell everyone everything about me. So when we go out, neither of us is very PDA, but it goes so far sometimes where I feel like she acts as if we aren't even friends.
    I would like to feel as if I am in a real relationship. But I also want to be sensitive to where she is in the coming out process.
    My brain tells me to move on, but every time I think of it my heart hurts. I've just spent so long picturing our future together, I love her. I just don't know.
  2. greylin

    greylin Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Sometimes we go with people that are "safe" for us. I think if you are out yourself then you would have gotten out of this long ago and left for a more accepting community in California and found another woman who is out. When you have figured yourself out then you will know what you really want from her. I don't know if you will ever find her compatible with what you want. But you have been together 3 years, at least let her know what makes you unhappy. And if you are here posting on a public forum, methinks you want to change things, yes?
  3. Spygirl

    Spygirl Well-Known Member

    Jul 2, 2013
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    Out or not out, it looks like your priorities are different -- she may never want an official "girlfriend" title...and it certainly sounds like she and you are not on the same page in terms of commitment or marriage. You're craving the security of not only a title but the security of knowing that your efforts in the relationship are going to lead to a progression of that relationship into something more serious.

    This leads to the obvious question...does she not want a commitment?... or does she not want a commitment with you? These are two very different things, and she may not even have the answer yet. Either way, she is not giving you what you need out of the relationship in that you need the security of knowing the both of you are actually in a relationship. Is she biding time?

    At some point you're going to have to be selfish and make a decision. Waiting for her to make any kind of determination as to whether she sees your relationship progressing might seriously end up in....a LOT more waiting because she may never get there. Also -- it's been 3 years. If after 3 years with someone she doesn't know whether she can make the kind of commitment you need tells me that for whatever reason, she can't...or won't..make that kind of commitment to you (whether it's you or something internal with her).
    rainydaze, Frazier and Bluenote like this.
  4. Bluenote

    Bluenote Well-Known Member

    Jul 4, 2013
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    Break up with her and move on. You deserve to be with someone who is willing to commit to you.

    I get that some people aren't into the idea of "marriage." But commitment can be more than marriage. It can be stuff like life insurance, getting on someone's health insurance, having a will, be their designated medical decision maker. Some people never get legally married, but go through all the steps to make a legal and financial commitment to each other.

    If someone isn't willing to commit to you, won't move in with you, won't give you some of the security of being a partner - it isn't really a "relationship." And if you are ok with just dating, but never having something committed, then that is ok. But if you want commitment, this girl isn't willing to give it and, as hard as it will be, you need to move on.
    rainydaze, Frazier, Emm and 1 other person like this.
  5. aussie_gabby

    aussie_gabby Well-Known Member

    Dec 10, 2014
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    3 years is too long.

    I really thought about your post. I thought, I would accept a non tittle thing for 3 months if that's what someone wanted. But that would be my maximum time limit because after 3 months, I know if id want someone to be my girlfriend or not.

    I know there are a lot of people who don't like titles. But you know what? It's ok to be someone who likes titles. Especially after 3 years.

    Do you have an open relationship? Because that's another reason why people don't want to put a title on it. Not saying that's the situation your in, but people can not want a title or commitment so they can have a justified reason in their head to screw around.

    Do you mind me asking your age? For example, im in my early 30s and I know exactly what I want relationship wise. Because living and being in a committed relationship is where I'm at in my life. So my point is, maybe you're feeling you are at a certain age where it's time wasting for you to be 3 years in and not even a damm girlfriend title! It would be for me.

    You really need to think about what it is you want. And if this girls not going to give it to you, there are plenty of other women who will. Sit down, tell her what you want , if she can't give it to you, leave.

    As hard as that might be, it will hurt so much more waiting for something that doesn't sound like it's coming.
    Gentry, rainydaze and Frazier like this.
  6. lorienczhiu

    lorienczhiu Well-Known Member

    Jul 18, 2013
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    I think you should listen to your brain.

    Hearts, broadly, are idiots. Three years with someone, no matter how good or bad the relationship, and familiarity and hope will make your heart cling to them. (I had a friend who stayed with an abusive partner for two years after they officially broke up, because it hurt her too much to move on and she had to "listen to her heart." Think about that.) But a lot of what your heart is seeing in your relationship is, by your own admission, imaginings:
    Scientist in me says: you have no evidence of that future, bananapancakes. None. She won't call you her girlfriend (or partner, lover, beau, ladyfriend, emergency contact, "great friend" in the words of my wife's super gay closeted great aunt), treats you coldly when you're out together, and won't confirm that you are in fact in a relationship even privately. Living together "at some point" is a start, but it's pretty vague and is not necessarily leading anywhere concrete or committed. That future you are picturing is your picture, not one one that you have painted together and have agreed is where you are headed.

    I don't love titles, but they are useful to make sure that we understand what we are to someone and that we are on the same page. When I moved in with my now-wife, I started to call her my partner at work (and on insurance paperwork!), because it told both of us that this was not temporary or casual, but real and committed. When we started dating, I waited a month or two before casually referring to "my girlfriend" in conversation, and only did that when she called me and said, "Hey, I just got asked out, and I said no. I guess we're doing this, huh?" I'm the one who wasn't totally sold on marriage, for complicated political and social reasons, and who will talk your ear off about your right to define a relationship on your own terms - but I feel pretty strongly that good relationships are those where people are open, honest, and clear about what that definition is. That she hasn't felt, in three years, that she wants you to be her person, whatever it means to her - well, that tells me that either she isn't in a place in her life where she can have a person, or she just doesn't want you to be it. That's heartbreaking, but it sounds like you want something more and different from her and from your relationship. I would tell her what that is (and I think that, all hedging aside, you know pretty clearly what you would like to have), and be prepared to move on. Sometimes, even if you love her, that's not enough to sustain a relationship, partnership, or whatever-this-is, and breaking up can be the good choice.
    rainydaze, Spygirl and Frazier like this.
  7. Coffee Addict

    Coffee Addict Well-Known Member

    Jul 23, 2013
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    I understand where are you coming from. It is not easy to pack and go, after all it has been three years invested in a person and a relationship. I have plans, and dreams you want to share with her. You have included her in your plans for the last three years. The least you expect is for her to include you, too.

    It is a hard realization to see the person you spent three years of your life is not on the same page with you. Sometimes, we tend to assume that what's obvious for us, it's also obvious and understood by our partner.

    However, those years also give you right to speak your mind about your relationship, what you want, what you hope for. Talk to her about what you feel and what would you like to work on. You owe it to yourself to talk to her and try to figure things out. If it doesn't work or if you cannot get to an agreement with her, you tried.

    I wish you the best of luck.
    rainydaze likes this.
  8. Eloise

    Eloise Well-Known Member

    Jul 26, 2013
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    Three years? It's time to move in or move on.

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